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A Humorous Item

(1936 posts)

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  1. A600KiloBear
    Inactive, per member request

    BS"D

    Want to live in Mea Shearim as the chilonim imagine it, but with none of the sense of history that Mea Shearim offers and with no real rabbonim and rebbeim to keep your most vile and fanatic impulses in check?

    Come join us in Ramat Beit Shimush, where you will never have a dull moment. Burqa ladies, tinfoil shtreimel wearing hooligans singing Hashem Hu Malkynee and We Shall Overcome off key and loud, a great tznius patrol that is always standing by to bleach the many avyrois of your daughters and wives, lots of rocks flying on Shabbos, and more! Admittance to our hyliger kehilla is only granted to those who promise never to seek gainful employment or to publicly receive handouts from the tzioinishe medine. And now, thanks to our alliance with the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his money printing presses, we actually pay you to demonstrate against the medine and anything else you want to do that disrupts life for the tzioinim.

    To find out more about our housing and related schemes, our selection of garbage bins for burning, our subsidized tire loans so you can buy up to 10 tires a week to build burning Shabbos roadblocks, and our new Machon leTznius under the direction of Rebbetzin Brooche Burqa, contact us now:

    Creedmoor office: 718-444-BURN
    Otisville office: 845-1-RIP-OFF
    Yerushalayim office: (052) WEL-FARE

    We, the combined Tznius and Rabbinical Welfare Council of Ramat Beit Shimush are standing by to welcome you in our fight against an honest day's work!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  2. ronrsr
    Member

    A recycled joke - I first heard it as a Nasser joke, then as a Yasser Arafat joke, then ... Beforehand, it was probably a Hitler joke, and a Ahasueros joke.

    Here goes.

    Ahmedinajad goes to a soothsayer to have is sooth said. He asks, "When will I die?"

    The soothsayer tells him, "You will die on a Jewish holiday?"

    "Which Jewish holiday?" he asks.

    "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  3. haifagirl
    Chief of Grammar Enforcement Commandos

    Funny. I first heard it as an Idi Amin joke, then later as an Arafat joke.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  4. ronrsr
    Member

    I am convinced that it has been told about every enemy of the Jewish people since the creation of the world.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  5. ronrsr
    Member

    Chuck Jones, director of the most brilliant of the Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote cartoons, used to refer to the other people in traffic jams, and those who created them as the Anti-Destination League.

    In an interview with the New York Times, he commented:

    "Their job is to keep you from getting where you're going." Where Mr. Jones was going was to a radio studio in Manhattan, to give yet another interview about his new book of memoirs, "Chuck Amuck: The Life and Times of an Animated Cartoonist."

    "There's no point in cursing all these other drivers," he said. "They're just doing their duty for the league. It helps to know that this traffic is all just part of the conspiracy."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  6. ronrsr
    Member

    A Jewish man is struck by a car in a busy intersection. A Roman Catholic priest is nearby, and springs into action and begins to administer last rites to the unfortunate man.

    "Do you believe in the father, the son and the holy ghost?" asks the priest.

    "I'm laying here dying, and you're asking me riddles?"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  7. BasYisroel2
    Member

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
    CLASS: Maria.
    ____________________________________

    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    (I Love this kid)
    ____________________________________________

    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    __________________________________

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ________________________________

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
    ______________________________________

    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________

    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
    ___________________________________

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher
    __________________________________

    Posted 2 years ago #
  8. A600KiloBear
    Inactive, per member request

    BS"D

    If Carlebach sang Racheim in Creedmoor....

    "So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.." (now tune switches to Racheim)

    "Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
    On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
    Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."

    "And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."

    "So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"

    "So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"

    "Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
    He give out free samples too Raheem,
    Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

    "And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"

    "Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
    He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
    Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

    "Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."

    "Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
    With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
    Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."

    "And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..

    Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  9. smartcookie
    Member

    Um...is anyone else blinking hard?

    Posted 2 years ago #
  10. Bemused
    Member

    It's probably not a good idea to knock other people's jokes. Probably best to comment when we like them, and go on to the next when we don't.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  11. Mayan_Dvash
    Member

    Bear, that is so wrong on so many levels. I'm not big into Carlebach, but I'm surprised the Mod(s) let it through (perhaps they don't like Carlebach?) At best it's tasteless humor, but I think it's more like into the Motzi Shem Ra category.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  12. smartcookie
    Member

    Bemused. I wasn't knocking the joke. I'm just a bit surprised that carlbach is being poked fun at...
    That shouldn't be tolerated here.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  13. Bemused
    Member

    I hear you. I agree, we should not knock anyone. Since it's not the first time that a poster has knocked someone's joke here, I posted above. Thank you for clarifying.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  14. haifagirl
    Chief of Grammar Enforcement Commandos

    A friend of mine takes pictures of funny signs at the place where she goes swimming. One picture she just took is of a sign advertising:

    Divinity and Madness
    works by the artists of
    The Living Museum at
    Creedmoor Psychiatric Center
    Hosted by the Mount Mary College
    Art Therapy Dept.

    Does the Admour know about this?

    Posted 2 years ago #
  15. yidlmitnfidl
    Member

    "Rabbi! My wife is trying to poison me".
    "Don't worry! I'll speak to her, & I'll straighten things out."
    The Rabbi comes back after an hour.
    "Rabbi! What is your opinion on the matter?"
    "Take the poison!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  16. RoshYeshivah
    Joseph?

    An eighty year old couple comes to the Rabbi.
    Husband: " I want a divorce! "
    Rabbi: " But why ?! "
    Husband: " Every morning since our marriage my wifes throws a pillow at me ! "
    Rabbi: " So where were u all these years ?! "
    Husband: " Today was the first time she hit her mark !! "

    Posted 2 years ago #
  17. BasYisroel2
    Member

    I found this post and I thought that it was very funny!

    "Ever since I’ve gotten married, I expanded my vocabulary. This is of course encouraged by all educators, as it broadens the mind and enables a person to communicate more accurately and effectively. It’s also a great way to look smart and intimidate people when need be. However, I’m not sure my newly acquired lexis, will garner me much fear and respect. You see, I’ve learned to speak yeshivish, courtesy of my husband.

    I’m sure you understand that there are several levels in increasing one’s vocabulary: there is recognizing the word while reading, using the word in writing and last using the word in your own speech.

    It’s not just that my husband uses these words and I understand him. But even further, I’ve found these words creeping into conversations with my friends, who are, well, far from yeshivish. I’m finding it mildly amusing, but mostly bemusing as I feel my IQ dropping by the idiom.

    I compiled several examples of my lapses in to “yeshivish” for your entertainment….I’m too self depreciating, I know

    Maskim – I’m not Maskim to that style, navy and black does not match

    Chutsh – He said no, after 6 dates? Did he chutsh give a decent reason

    Lmaaysa – She thought she was going to BJJ, then she figured Bnos Sarah, l’maaysa, she’s in Machon Half Day and Touro

    Ein hechi nami – I’m not, not going with you, ein hachen ami, I’m just not coming, I don’t feel well

    Lechoyra – She seems like a nice girl, Lechoyra, but honestly, I don’t really know her

    Epes – It has epes a design on the skirt, real nice.

    Be’eztem – It’s a nice idea to buy a 16 piece serving set by Noritake, but be’etzem I don’t think it’s gonna work out, kollel budget, remember?

    B’kiztur – ….she told her that she didn’t mean that, but she thought that she said she did and around and around, whatever, b’kitzur, they’re not talking

    Ch’kav – ooooh, that salad bowl is ch’kav…I like those details, don’t think I’ve ever seen that combination anywhere

    Mudne – she said that? Really? That’s mudne, why would they do that?

    Shvacha meysos – She said she worked on it for hours, look at it, shvacha meysos, she dumped it together in five minutes

    Uber – I wanted to buy that ring, uber I knew my Rabbi was getting me something for yomtov so I just waited

    Raya – Ye….can you tell me about Chanche Bronche? She’s very hardworking…ye, and creative….can you give me a raya?

    Klering – I’m going to my in-laws for the first days; we were klering on going the second days, but I have to be back for work

    Dveilah – I’m looking for a job, dveilah, I’m brushing up on my culinary skills.

    UpShlug (shlug someone up) – The salesperson tried giving me a million and half reasons why it looked great on me, and that I should buy it, but I had no patience and she was making me nervous, so I shlugged her up on every point….ooh it felt good…Good thing I don’t shop there that often

    Zicher – He’s zicher gonna want to come home, so I’ll have to cook supper anyway

    Feste – She was wearing Feste shoes, Christian Louboutin, cost an arm and a leg

    Yur n’Tzerik – Yur n’Tzerik I’d call her, now I’ll just text her mazal tov.

    Musig – The play was so boring, and clichéd, you have no musig of the pathos evoked.

    Shtulz – Uch, their so shtulzy, with their kids in Lily matching jumpers, I’m not even trying.

    Not chal – Don’t show till after ten. It’s not chal until Mrs. K, opens up her mouth.

    Matziv – It’s so not a matziv, for heavens sake it's an event

    Mistama – Mistama she’s not gonna wanna come, do I still have to invite her

    Chevtza – She’s a chevtza. Of what? Of garbage.

    Spitz – It’s shpitz her to say that and not even realize what she said

    Kav – It’s not your kav, I don’t think you should buy it.

    Zach – He has this zach about sports, don’t even go there.

    Not shayach – You havta read it, it’s not shayach!

    Mehalech- she wanted to leave after the chuppa; I told her it wasn’t a mehalech

    Masbir – What I don’t get it, you sign up, you get the discount and then you cancel? And they don’t chap? You have to be masbir to me

    Nogea – I get paid on the books, make to much money; WIC is not nogea"

    Attention mods you can break this up and put it into 2 separate posts if it is too long to post! Thanks!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  18. theOne
    Member

    Don’t know if its already here, didn’t read all of them...: a Jew and a Chinese are sitting next to another in a plane. After 20 minutes the Jew says: I don’t like Chinese people. The Chinese asks: why not???? the Jew answers: you bombed pearl harbor. The Chinese: no, not was us...!! Was the Vietnamese... the Jew says: Vietnamese, Chinese, all the same. After another 20 minutes the Chinese says. I no like Jews. The Jew asks: why not??? the Chinese answers: you sank the titanic. The Jew says: no... it wasn’t us, it was an iceberg. The Chinese says: oh, Goldberg, Silberberg, iceberg…. Its all the same!!!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  19. d a
    our friend

    Why did Obama make a Seder?

    He wanted to lean to the Left!
    (I think he was leaning a little too far and fell off his chair!)

    Posted 2 years ago #
  20. myopinion
    Member

    The economy is so bad and the real estate market is suffering. Homes aren't selling. In fact, some people had to sell their homes for nothing. But don't worry, after eight days, they're getting their homes back. Chag Sameach!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  21. d a
    our friend

    Why, when companies make products more expensive they make cheaper quality? We bought liquid soap for Pesach. Same size bottle as all year round, more expensive, NO quality! I heard that Kedem says that they put in as much water as possible into their wines. If you put in any more, it won't be wine. The same is true with the soap! It is more like diluted, flavored, scented diet water!
    What about the paper towels? More expensive but very cheap quality. And the same is true for foil! Its ridiculous!!!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  22. Shticky Guy
    Shtick on a Stick :)

    Have you seen the new sequel to Mary Poppins? Its about a top brainy historic hermit who was a poet who walked barefoot so he had many callouses on his feet. He was also frail from not eating properly and his odd diet gave him bad breath.
    The film is called:
    The Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  23. Ken Zayn
    born Kenneth Solomon Zaynestzky

    Great one Shticky Guy :-) ROTF

    Posted 1 year ago #
  24. Ken Zayn
    born Kenneth Solomon Zaynestzky

    The Israelis and Arabs realised that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.
    The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

    The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.
    They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

    When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
    Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

    As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

    The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.
    The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

    The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

    The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

    Posted 1 year ago #
  25. believer
    Member

    someone goes to the repair shop that says we fix everything...and theres a sign on the door that says "please knock the bell is broken.."

    Posted 1 year ago #
  26. BSD
    proud member, platinum member, remember, dismember, abi ah member!

    Sign at a shoe repair shop:
    We are not saints, but we can heel your sole.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  27. Shticky Guy
    Shtick on a Stick :)

    A death row inmate had just been strapped into the electric chair when he had a bad attack of hiccups.

    "Do you have a final request?" he was asked. "

    "Yes, hic" he said. "I cant, hic, stand these hiccups. Do you have anything that will give me a shock?"

    Posted 8 months ago #
  28. REALIST
    Member

    Can someone please explain this to me?
    I just noticed that my 'age-defying!' wrinkle removing cream has an expiration date!!@!!!

    Posted 7 months ago #
  29. REALIST
    Member

    Hope some of you are old enuff to get this.
    What do Maxwell House and skydiving have in common?
    Both are good till the last drop!

    Posted 7 months ago #
  30. miritchka
    Member

    this is such a long topic! hey mods, whats the longest thread on this site?

    Posted 7 months ago #
  31. littleapple
    Member

    My wife is making me crazy with her weight-loss schemes, I checked five stores already and I can't find any diet water!

    Posted 7 months ago #
  32. REALIST
    Member

    LITTLEAPPLE, I THINK SHE SUCCEEDED!

    Posted 7 months ago #
  33. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

    Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

    When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

    "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
    "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

    Posted 7 months ago #
  34. littleapple
    Member

    Realist: yuck yuck

    BTW What happens after they make a luncheon in the public library?

    ans.- Reader's digest.

    Posted 7 months ago #
  35. REALIST
    Member

    littleapple, wise guy! eh?

    Q. What's the result of smokin' too much?

    A. Coffin!!!

    Your turn...

    Posted 7 months ago #
  36. Naysberg
    Member

    Why wont sharks attack lawyers?
    Professional courtesy.

    What is the definition of mixed emotions?
    Watching your lawyer drive over a cliff in your new car.

    Posted 2 months ago #

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