Basic Shidduchim Questions

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  • This topic contains 13 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  misandrynocool 2 months, 1 week ago.
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  • #615945

    FFBBT613
    Member

    I have some basic questions about Shidduchim-

    1) How do you ask someone to set you up? Or you don’t ask?

    2)If a friend sets you up, is it not as good as if a Rabbi/Professional Shadchen sets you up?

    3) Who should be involved in the shidduch?

    4) If you meet somebody on your own, who you may see a potential future with- how do you approach such a matter?

    5) What will be required of me?

    I am asking these questions because I was not brought up in a home where Shidduch dating is whats done, however, I don’t see how I will meet the type of person I want to marry any other way. TY.

    #1090421

    FrozenThaw
    Member

    It depends. Maybe seek out a trusted mentor for guidance.

    #1090422

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    )1) How do you ask someone to set you up? Or you don’t ask?

    Post on their facebook wall. Or on this thread.

    2)If a friend sets you up, is it not as good as if a Rabbi/Professional Shadchen sets you up?

    Depends if you end up marrying the set-upee

    3) Who should be involved in the shidduch?

    Both parties.

    4) If you meet somebody on your own, who you may see a potential future with- how do you approach such a matter?

    From the side, so they can’t see you coming.

    5) What will be required of me?

    Boy: Car, Money, Job.

    Girl: Looks.

    I am asking these questions because I was not brought up in a home where Shidduch dating is whats done, however, I don’t see how I will meet the type of person I want to marry any other way. TY.

    That is a good reason to ask these questions. I’d recommend joining a few of the yeshivish dating websites, and then going to their events.

    #1090423

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    1. You don’t ask. You just remind them to think of you.

    2. It’s just as good.

    3. Someone who has experience dealing with shidduchim.

    4. You ask a shadchan or someone with experience to redt it.

    5. Be honest. Best way to get happily married.

    #1090424

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    1) If it’s a professional, you call to set up a meeting.

    2) A friend is probably better as far as finding a good match, and worse as far as helping the shidduch proceed to engagement.

    3) It doesn’t sound as if your parents will. I highly recommend having a mature, discrete, seichel’dik “mentor” to discuss it with.

    4) See Torah613Torah’s answer above.

    5) Honesty is good, but at the same time, you do want to put your best foot forward. So, for example, if you smoke, you should say that at some point, but don’t smoke on a date.

    #1090425

    MRS PLONY
    Participant

    Don’t forget to find out what is expected in terms of ‘shadchanus gelt’. Even the amateurs receive a fee.

    #1090426

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    MRS PLONY, let’s hope it gets to that point soon.

    #1090427

    Joseph
    Member

    DY, is the reality that amateurs are not being compensated when successful?

    #1090428

    goofus
    Participant

    Joseph,

    Just like the PGA tour or the NCAA. Amateurs are not compensated for their successes.

    #1090429

    MRS PLONY
    Participant

    No way! I had to give my shadchanim a few hundred bucks, and that was almost 20 years ago. >:(

    They were just this couple; the husband knew my chosson and the wife knew me, and they introduced us. They were amateurs.

    #1090430

    BarryLS1
    Participant

    One question to always ask anyone setting you up, is this: “would this person be acceptable to you for your child? Why or why not?”

    I know someone whose daughter married someone with a great recommendation from his Rosh Yeshiva. Two years and a child later, the Choson decided he didn’t want to be Frum anymore. While conceivably that could possibly happen in any case, but not here.

    When the mother (the father was niftar years earlier) went to the Rosh Yeshiva and said to him, “how could you do this to my daughter,” The Rosh Yeshiva answered, “We thought that if he got married, he would straighten out.”

    So this Rosh Yeshiva ruined some lives on the hope that someone would straighten out, knowing that a serious problem existed. Notice that he didn’t set up his own daughter with that guy.

    So, don’t forget to ask “would this person be acceptable to you for your child? Why or why not?”

    #1090431

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Because their child has a different personality?

    #1090432

    Anyone can suggest a match for you. And you can chose anyone you want to be the “go between”. However, keep in mind, that it is better with shadchanim who have the tough experience to carry it through to the end, either way it ends. THey need to have the time, and brains. Because they have to know how to present things, and come back and forth negotiating in a way that always makes you feel like either the deal is too good to turn down, or that you are making a move against your own best interest.

    So once the other side says they are interested in you, you must get to work on calling anybody and everybody who knows or knew something about them. You don’t just want to call the references they have offered. YOu want to call the people that they didn’t offer. If you hear from more than 1 person something negative, that scares you, stay scared and don’t look for a life of torture.

    If you hear only good things, read between the lines, like a mentalist to the “way ” they offer their information. Then pounce on the word in the sentence that sounds questionable. Weigh things. Ask others who know them.

    #1334919

    misandrynocool

    Make sure you don’t judge a potential shidduch badly just cause he’s a man.

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