Can someone please help me

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  • #1305751

    back from sem
    Participant

    Over the last few years I went through a tough time and did a lot of horrible things. I really came around the block. This year I went to seminary and I gained alotttt! now that I came back though I feel like I lost a lot of what I gained . I have a lot of hashkafa questions but no one to guide me. What should I do? Please help me

    #1305771

    back from sem
    Participant

    I need good advice

    #1305782

    from Long Island
    Participant

    Call Aish in New York. They will connect you to someone you can talk to.

    #1305786

    back from sem
    Participant

    What’s their number

    #1305787

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Go back to sem.

    #1305791

    back from sem
    Participant

    I don’t want to go back for a shana bet cuz I want to get married already. Another question- can I get married if I have a lot of hashkafic questions and im not so sure who I am anymore?

    #1305792

    back from sem
    Participant

    Who’s the real me- the me from before I went to seminary? The me from seminary? Or the me from after I came back from seminary (falling again)

    #1305835

    back from sem
    Participant

    😭😿😪 😡

    #1305807

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    A little bit of both.

    #1305856

    kj chusid
    Participant

    On a side note why ask advice from random lunatics on the Internet? Ask a Rav or Mentor

    #1305855

    kj chusid
    Participant

    Get your views straight before getting married, because once you’re married you can’t change your children from chassidish to litvish to Modern and back, while your single you can still change around your life

    #1305854

    ready now
    Participant

    back from sem: Forget all those relationships you formed with all the girls, that is what is confusing you, I think.

    #1305863

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    KJ, you are a random lunatic on the internet too.

    #1305876

    kj chusid
    Participant

    I agree, that’s y I suggested not
    To listen to my advice

    #1305891

    GAON
    Participant

    Rather go back and get married after. You need to stabilize yourself before you marry.
    The “real” you is the one and the times you were happy and content with. All the rest is a matter of overcoming your difficulties. We all go through strugles but the main objective is to be able to get up again and overcome the falls.

    #1305892

    GAON
    Participant

    In any case, you need real live guidance. Don’t you have anyone to contact from the Sem that knows you and can give proper guidance.

    #1305910

    ChillNGrill
    Participant

    As Pirkei Avos says, “ase lecha Rav’. Find someone who you can be open with and discuss whatever issues you are having. Someone who can understand but help guide you in a positive manner.

    I wouldn’t rush into marriage until you really know who you are and what you are looking for in life.

    #1305911

    Pinchas
    Participant

    The number for AishNY is 1 212-921-9090. Maybe they can put you in touch with a Rabbi or mentor. Also you can contact them via FB. Just search for AishNY.

    #1305916

    back from sem
    Participant

    Thanks everyone!
    Rebyidd23- am I really a mix of all? Cuz I don’t want to be how I was before I went to seminary.

    Kj- the only reason I am asking “random people ” is because I don’t have anyone in real life to ask.
    M
    Ready now- I don’t think that’s what’s confusing me. What’s confusing me is that I went from being “at risk” to being religious/ yeshivish too fast

    #1305918

    ready now
    Participant

    Ask Hashem to be patient with you, go slowly, your brain is confused, but Hashem is your only concern, you don’t need to live up to any other’s expectation.

    #1305941

    Superd
    Participant

    Wow sorry to here. it is extremely difficult and hard period going back, especially after going back from an intense growth filled year. Do you have a summer job? Having a daily schedule plan is essential. Having no plan and loads of down time can be a killer. Keep in touch with friends teachers madricha for moral support.
    In my opinion, Marriage should not be your focus getting back in to a healthy life style and figuring out what works for you should be your goal.
    Going back for Shana beis is NOT synonymous with not getting married. Girls get engaged in sem.

    #1305943

    Nechomah
    Participant

    It’s normal to come down somewhat after coming back from sem, once out of that vacuum, it’s almost impossible to maintain the levels obtained while there. What’s important is to keep looking forward and up. Life is a downhill escalator. If you’re not working all the time, you’re going down. The more you work, the more you will climb.

    As to the question of who you are, you are whoever you want to be – not the girl before sem and not the girl at sem, but a combination. You know what it was like to struggle like you did before sem and now you have goals that you were able to set your sights on while at sem. Let go of the image that you have of yourself before sem and just keep moving forward. It’s the yetzer hara that’s telling you that you didn’t really change and that you’ll never change and can never be like you were when you were in sem. Don’t listen.

    Try to get some basic values/guidelines set up for yourself before you go looking for shidduchim. You can’t fit yourself into the mold a boy might create for you. You have to define yourself more and then you’ll know when there is a good fit with the boy you meet.

    Like others have said above, get real life guidance. There are many continuation programs in US for after sem. You could find something that interests you and go to some classes and see if the teachers there would be good sources of advice. Don’t rush. Good advice is not easy to come by.

    Chin up and hatzlacha rabba!!!

    #1306198

    back from sem
    Participant

    P-thanx a lot!
    Super d and nechama thank you for ur wonderful advice!

    #1306210

    back from sem
    Participant

    How do I figure out what kind of guy I want? Before sem- I wanted a certain type, in sem- wanted a guy who would learn seriously for a year or two, now idk cuz Idk how I will be in a few years…

    #1306240

    Superd
    Participant

    Really sorry to brake the bad news to you, most ppl would advice you to 4get marriage for now. For now concentrate on you and you only, you won’t have much time for that later on in life. With time bezrat Hashem those answers will fall in to place.

    #1306292

    gingi
    Participant

    Contact Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstien at Or Naavah. He’ll help you. Kudos to you for coming so far. Hatzlacha rabbah! You have a great future ahead of you!

    #1306397

    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    My thoughts: (I tried forming a cogent reply, but I’m having a hard time connecting my thoughts, so I’ll just post them in bullet form.)

    -You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Thousands of other girls that just got back from their seminary year are struggling with the same identity crisis. I’m off to seminary once this summer is over, iyH, and I’m pretty certain that I’ll be just as confused as you are, this time next year.

    -Growth needs to be internal- not just external. Real growth takes place when you realize that your behavior doesn’t match up with your values, and you change your behavior so that it reflects your values. Life is about figuring out what our values are, and working on ourselves to get as close to shleimus as we can get by fixing our behavior.

    – I very strongly recommend that you discuss this with a mentor- preferably someone who you’ve spoken to in the past, knows you, and is wise. Remember that generally speaking, people gain wisdom with age- it would be smart to look to a woman who has seen enough of life to be able to advise you properly. If you have never spoken to a mentor figure about personal issues before, now is an excellent time to start! There’s so much potential for good in a mentor/ mentee relationship. 🙂

    – Talk to Hashem. He planned every aspect of your life. It is no surprise to Him that you are rethinking your growth, now that you’re home and it’ll take great effort to maintain your new standards for yourself. He is NOT angry at you. He’s your lifeline. Just talk to him.

    – I really like what Nechomah said in her above post. I agree with every word of it. Nechomah, you’re amazing! 🙂

    – Life is composed of ups and downs. Every up is followed by a down, and every down is followed by an up. Both stages are necessary and normal. Don’t give up on life, or on yourself, just because you’re in a down now. The up will come!

    Hold on tight. You can do this.

    #1306433

    back from sem
    Participant

    Superd -isn’t it better for me to get married now? Cuz then I’ll have to be on the level I am on now .. get my gist?

    Gingi- thank you ! But how can I get in touch with him

    #1306563

    back from sem
    Participant

    Thank you letakin girl! U r very smart for ur age 🙃

    #1306587

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Getting married doesn’t lock you in place, it just binds you and your husband together.

    #1306589

    Superd
    Participant

    To be honest I do not get your gist as I have no idea where your holding now or where you were holding b4. in my opinion deffinetly not. your future husband will not have answers to all hashkofa ?s. Seems like you also need to find ppl that can guide you in the future, can take time finding the right 1 for you and easier while your single. And when ur ready I’m sure you will be on a higher level then you are now. P.s if you currently have a bf (not that u do) he will only hold u back achieving your most.
    Hatzlacha with any decisions you make and finding clarity in your life.

    #1306607

    back from sem
    Participant

    What if I know that he will help me with hashkafa

    #1306608

    back from sem
    Participant

    Like what if I know for a FACT

    #1306613

    Avram in MD
    Participant

    back from sem,

    Superd -isn’t it better for me to get married now? Cuz then I’ll have to be on the level I am on now

    Unless you know what your values and goals are, that is a recipe for disaster, and would CV”S lead to deep resentment.

    What if I know that he will help me with hashkafa

    Like what if I know for a FACT

    Impossible to know in real life.

    #1306695

    back from sem
    Participant

    A- how is it impossible to know in real life? What if I know in real life that he will help bring me up

    #1306754

    back from sem
    Participant

    How would it lead to resentment

    #1307076

    back from sem
    Participant

    🙊🙉🙈🐵🐒

    #1307095

    ready now
    Participant

    I think going to seminary confuses people, too many distractions, too many comparisons, too much competition, too much looking at other people and measuring oneself by them, and not understanding that each person is so different from any other Try growing SLOWLY at your own pace, trying to understand that you will not be left behind because all in in Hashem’s Hand, not panicking, staying sane!
    You need to de-stress after seminary, a very un-natural environment!

    #1307092

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    You owe it to yourself and your future husband to get your life and values in order before you start seeking marriage. Marriage is not going to magically change you or make being you easier. You have to succeed at being a single person before you can succeed in marriage.

    #1307089

    back from sem
    Participant

    I’m getting depressed

    #1307110

    ready now
    Participant

    Hashem has the perfect way for you so have emunah in Hashem, lack of emunah causes depression!

    #1307111

    ready now
    Participant

    What are you doing now, working or lounging around at home?

    #1307113

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    It’s okay to be single and a little bit lost. Most people go through such a stage, some more than others. It just means that you should take some time to find yourself before throwing yourself into a huge lifelong commitment.

    #1307135

    back from sem
    Participant

    😢😔😭
    Ready now- how can I gain Emunah? And yeah, I’m lounging around

    Rebyidd23- I thought I found myself in seminary but now I see that I didn’t……

    #1307163

    ready now
    Participant

    “how can I gain Emunah ”

    Well if seminary did not teach that! Seminary is not the real world.

    Can you get “Faith and Trust” by Rabbi Shemuel Houminer
    Page 27 for just one of many examples ” Remain hopeful”
    This book is THE greatest, can really lift a person up, just read and re-read.
    Just nearly 200 pages, but all in short snippets, so great really.

    Your connection to Hashem is unique, forget everything else!
    In any case , everything is pre-determined!(still we have to try) and we have free will, so relax, plan what to do next, but don’t get frustrated with any disappointments, as they were not meant for you, that is the emunah, knowing with absolute certainty that things that are delayed or do not turn up are wrong for you not meant for you and that Hashem will do what is good for you and only you.

    #1307145

    aishet chover
    Participant

    Firstly, try to figure out why the yetzer hara tripped you up before and what changed when you were in sem.

    Are you back in the same situation/conditions/relationship dynamic that tripped you up in the first place?

    Secondly, utilizing our strengths productively (think job or chesed), maintaining an attitude of gratitude (think gratitude journal), and strengthening our relationships can help us maintain a growth mindset.

    #1307147

    aishet chover
    Participant

    I think marriage at this point is a great idea if you can subscribe to these two conditions- with no unsubscribe option ever:

    1- I will devote myself entirely to this person and will fulfill my obligations to him always.

    2- I understand that this marriage is for the duration of our lives; therefore, any difficulties that may arise are to be fixed and not used as an excuse to absolve myself of my obligations.

    #1307156

    Walktowork
    Participant

    Dear “Back From Sem” –
    You sound like a young woman with a good heart. I am an old man who has — amid all the joys of life — experienced periods of confusion and pain to which all humans are subject. Nonetheless, it is your pain and confusion. It is real and it deserves compassionate advice.
    Please excuse me if any of this sounds glib or simplistic. It is not. It is based on many false starts and the wisdom gained from all those dead ends.
    Amid all the suggestions of a spiritual nature, it is essential to not forget the physical. Assuming you are in good health, follow these guidelines for 30 days and — while there is no magic formula to solve every dilemma we face — you are virtually guaranteed an improved outlook and increased feelings of contentment if you do:
    1) Exercise! Find a program you can stick with and start… no excuses. Personally, I find yoga and tai chi best, but whatever the activity works best for you — walking, jogging, tennis, etc. — start slowly. But don’t miss a single day for 30 days. Mark off your days on a calendar. Then, after 30 days, you can re-evaluate the program to be sure it is one you can continue.
    2) Pay attention to your sleep habits. Try to get to bed every night and rise every morning at the same time. Save your naps for Shabbat.
    3) Get out of bed immediately when you awake.
    4) Take care of the things you least want to do first… in the morning and throughout each day.
    5) Limit your time on electronic devices.
    6) Keep a healthy diet. Beware of fads and unproven claims, but limit fats, junk food and sugars and increase your intake of fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains. This is easiest to do if you allow yourself such things on an occasional basis. My best success has been with saving such treats for Shabbat because, after all, you’re never more than three days away from Shabbat.
    7) Avoid excessive intoxication, but absolutely do enjoy some wine or a l’chaim on Shabbat and yomim tovim.
    8) Focus intently on making others happy through an open heart and a sincere smile. Actively search for such opportunities in the street, at school, at work.
    9) Spend time every day appreciating the natural world; plant a garden; study a tree; sit on the ground and watch ants at work; listen for bird calls; read nature guides about plants, minerals, insects, mammals, fishes, birds, weather, etc. Make a real study of it or of some miraculous subject such as anatomy, physiology, chemistry, etc.
    10) Find one pasuk that speaks to you deeply and repeat it. Repeat it again. Keep repeating. For me, “Zeh hayom asah Hashem; nagilah v’nism’cha bo — THIS is the day the Lord has made; let us be glad and rejoice in IT” (emphasis added) has even surpassed “Be Here Now” as constant inspiration.
    You’re in this for the long haul, BFSem, 120 years. You are the only one who can make these things happen, and you can only do so by taking responsibility for doing so. With the proper understanding of how unlikely it is to be alive in such an incomprehensibly amazing world, you can then follow this paraphrased advice from a teacher of mine, zatsal:
    Whenever you find yourself lacking in joy, picture yourself standing knee-deep in the middle of a cool, refreshing river that is flowing all around you. Now realize it is a river of simcha you are standing in — constantly abundant waters of joy. Whenever you feel the need, see yourself in that river, bend down, cup your hands and drink your fill.
    Wishing you all the best!

    #1307245

    back from sem
    Participant

    Walktowork- thank you so much for your advice
    It was so refreshing, made me feel like I have hope… thank you! I’m going to follow your advice and I hope things will get better! Thank you again!

    Att everyone on cr- I’m gonna be leaving, but thanks for all ur advice help and support!!!
    Good luck in life!!!!!

    #1308297

    back from sem
    Participant

    Hey guys I’m back 😜
    Really missed this place over past few days 😉
    Thank you guys for your support, I thought a lot about all of your advice/ support and I’m so grateful!! I feel like I have become much happier over the last couple days! Thanx!!!!!!!
    Anyhooo…. do any of you guys have rabbi wallerstein/ ohr naava email/ number? Thanx!!
    Love you guys!! 💚
    You totally rock!!!!!!!

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