Father-in-law at Aufruf

Home Coffeeroom Decaffeinated Coffee Rants Father-in-law at Aufruf

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 52 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #610650

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    So I have a rant.

    My granddaughter is getting married next week, and my son (the kallah’s father) was planning to travel to Belize City for the Aufruf (the chosson’s father is the shaliach of Belize).

    I told my son he should stay home. I think fathers of brides should not go to the Aufruf and should instead stay home.

    I mean, it is your daughter’s last shabbos home before she gets married–shouldn’t you stay there with her and spend it with her? Don’t you want to spend that last shabbos with her?

    I don’t get it too well. I think this minhag of fathers in law going to the Aufruf should be absolutely abolished.

    #1150059

    sharp
    Member

    I don’t get it too well. I think this minhag of fathers in law going to the Aufruf should be absolutely abolished.

    FWIW, I think so too.

    #1150060

    WIY
    Member

    I happen to agree as well.

    #1150061

    In any case, mazal tov! (And by the way, I didn’t realize you were old enough to have a granddaughter getting married!)

    #1150062

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Well, the story might not be 100% true. But I do have an unrelated mazel tov in my family, so I’ll accept that.

    #1150063

    The little I know
    Participant

    In Skver, the minhag is that the chosson’s father does NOT attend the aufruf at all. If he happens to daven at the same shul, he may be there. If he does not but lives in the proximity, he may attend the Kiddush. But is he lives elsewhere, the minhag is that he does not attend at all.

    If one reviews the practicality of it, it is rather challenging to get up and travel a distance while leaving the kallah at home, presumably alone, for her Shabbos kallah.

    #1150064

    akuperma
    Participant

    I doubt there is such a minhag. If the bride and groom are both in the same shul or even the same city (which until recently, meant the same thing – multiple shuls in a city is a modern innovation), of course he would be there. Where else would he go? Any such minhag is therefore a recent innovation.

    If the wedding is in a distant city, the bride’s family won’t be there on the Shabbos before. That a matter of practicality, not a minhag.

    #1150065

    TheGoq
    Participant

    If he stays home he is just going to be in the way and uncomfortable , what is he gonna do during the shabbos kallah? a lone man amongst a gaggle of women id rather be 1000 miles away.

    #1150066

    squeak
    Participant

    Hes not going for the aufruf, hes going to Belize. If the kallah lived in Belize and the chosson lived in NY Im sure hed listen to you and stay home. Ask him to bring you back some caulk from cay caulker.

    #1150067

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    My son lives on Caye Caulker actually. So going to Belize City is just an annoyance. He’ll probably pick up a few cases of bananas while he’s there though because they’re cheaper on the mainland.

    #1150068

    golfer
    Participant

    Is there even such a (possibly unmentionable, pardon me) concept as-

    Mother-in-law at Aufruf

    ???

    #1150069

    I have another question for you Popa:

    What is the point of the aufruf? To me it seems like a huge waste of time, effort, stress, and money.

    #1150070

    apushatayid
    Participant

    “What is the point of the aufruf? To me it seems like a huge waste of time, effort, stress, and money.”

    I’d like to suggest that because it IS all of those things, the aufruf was invented by the kallahs family as a small measure of revenge for all the effort, sterss, time and money demanded by the boys side of the girls family.

    #1150071

    writersoul
    Member

    At my cousin’s recent aufruf, the kallah’s entire family was there besides for the kallah herself.

    I can’t imagine what she was doing home by herself- reading Mishpacha? Never asked.

    Either way, mazal tov! Remember, all he’s missing is the possibility of being clocked on the head with a bag of stale za-zas.

    #1150072

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    FWIW, my in-laws were present at my aufruf.

    The Wolf

    #1150073

    In Skver they have a saying, “if the father in law goes to the kiddush, they make havdala with him”.

    #1150074

    “If one reviews the practicality of it, it is rather challenging to get up and travel a distance while leaving the kallah at home, presumably alone, for her Shabbos kallah.”

    Because she is not with her father she is alone? Boy, if that were true I would have been pretty lonely between the ages of 12 and 23.

    #1150075

    Redleg
    Participant

    Acuperma, Clearly large cities like Minsk or Vilna had many shuls. I don’t know about other shtetlach but the town my father came from, which had perhaps 500 Jewish families (which constituted the entire population of the town), had three shuls and a couple of shtieblach. It’s an old joke but it’s true. Every Jew has to have a shul that he won’t set foot in.

    #1150076

    Ender
    Participant

    I think the FIL should not go, but for a different reason. Let the Chosson have one last shot at singlehood with all his friends there. Why should he have to deal with the extra stress of having his in-laws there. He then has to worry what his friends will say or do. Depending on the type of family he is marrying into he will also have more stress over preparing a vort, etc.

    #1150077

    yehudayona
    Participant

    I find Popa’s story hard to Belize.

    #1150078

    WIY
    Member

    Snort

    #1150080

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I disagree with popa on two fronts. First of all, an aufruf is a simcha (and no, Shabbos kallah doesn’t compare), and I think it is proper for someone to attend and participate in his son’s simcha (I hope popa’s son treats his son-in-law as his own child).

    Also, I don’t think popa should be telling his son what to do. If he is old enough to choose a husband for his daughter, he is old enough to make his own decision to go to the aufruf.

    #1150081

    Memo to bumper of random thread. I think it’s to late the wedding was 7 months ago 🙂

    #1150082

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Okay, but do you agree or disagree with my points? It’s not as if there won’t be any more aufrufs.

    #1150083

    Point 1) yes.

    Point 2) he is older than I am , cant really tell HIM what to do

    #1150084

    oomis
    Participant

    Popa, mazel tov on your unrelated simcha. Whether or not the story is true, I DO think the chosson’s father should be there. In the kallah’s house, the Shabbos before the wedding is all about Shabbos Kallah. There is absolutely no reason why a father should be home to spend Shabbos with a gazillion of his daughter’s friends in the house with her. But it certainly shows that he attaches chashivus to his future aidem’s simcha by being present, if possible, at the auf ruf. I wouldn’t travel out of the country for it, though, if I were the girl’s dad.

    #1150085

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    To be,

    Yes, I actually realized the irony of telling an anonymous person not to tell his own son what to do, but hey, this is the coffee room, we’re here to express opinions.

    #1150086

    DaMoshe
    Participant

    In Skver, I thought there only is one shul. If you daven somewhere else (an old age home, maybe?) you may be putting yourself at risk!

    #1150087

    Oh I thought were here to solve world peace. Or to debate great esoteric concepts such as if one’s pet dog has a pet rock can he come to his fathers aufruf 🙂

    #1150088

    midwesterner
    Participant

    I know of an adam chashuv who had two of his daughters marry brothers. He did not attend the first aufruf, saying “It is yenem’s simcha, has nothing to do with me!” However, when the second one rolled around he did attend. When asked about the inconsistency he replied, “My mechuten is making a simcha, I shouldn’t go?”

    #1150089

    🐵 ⌨ Gamanit
    Participant

    Generally, if it’s a short distance the kallah’s father will go. My nephew wasn’t going to travel to Israel three days before his daughters wedding so he stayed home. My son on the other hand didn’t have a choice as the ofruf was on his block, so he went.

    #1150090

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Midwesterner, great story. It reminds me of the person who got divorced and them remarried his gerushah.

    When asked why he though it was better the second time, he said, “She’s not bad for a zivug sheini”!

    #1150091

    cherrybim
    Participant

    If attending means getting shishi and the aufruf kiddush includes p’tcha, a herring bar and top drawer bourbon, my minhag is to attend and make l’chaims with all the future relatives and friends. If the kiddush is the just cake and soda type, my minhag is to pass.

    #1150092

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Cherrybim, you’d have to compare the cost of the airline ticket to p’tcha, herring, and bourbon.

    Shlishi? Priceless.

    #1150093

    dontbeagolem
    Member

    funny

    I cant find any reference to frum jews in belize

    great fishing & snorkeling (been there)

    no frum jews

    no sheliach

    bogus story

    #1150094

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Well, the story might not be 100% true.

    #1150095

    midwesterner
    Participant

    Please don’t be a golem: Let me save you some time on future research. When Popa starts a thread with a story, assume it didn’t happen. Especially when he acknowledges it to be made up in his very next comment!

    #1150096

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    funny

    I cant find any reference to frum jews in belize

    great fishing & snorkeling (been there)

    no frum jews

    no sheliach

    bogus story

    Don’t be a tipish. The thread is 7 months old. The sheliach left, because he missed his son who moved to Alaska to live near us.

    #1150098

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    How’s the weather in Alaska? As bad as Lakewood?

    #1150099

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Still a good point 2 years later.

    #1150100

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    It was a year ago that I said you were wrong. It took me a year to formulate the precisely correct response.

    #1150101

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I never responded to your points.

    1. I’m not balancing shabbos kalla against aufruf. I’m balancing daughter’s last shabbos at home with aufruf. I’m also balancing son-in-law against daughter.

    2. Are you my mother? No, I am not your mother, I am a snort.

    #1150102

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    1. Nor was I, but anyhow it’s not her last Shabbos home, it’s her last Shabbos in her parents’ home as a single. It’s no big deal if the last Shabbos as a single with her father there is a week earlier.

    2. No, you’re not my mother, you’re my father-in-law (I don’t think anyone fell for the grandfather bit) and I still don’t forgive you for not being at my aufruf.

    I’ll probably bump this thread every year until you apologize.

    And Estie says she doesn’t know why you keep saying how important it was to be there for that last Shabbos. All you did was get drunk and embarrass yourself and her in front of her friends, and she wishes you’d have gone away.

    #1150103

    Uncle Ben
    Participant

    How did this go unnoticed for 2 years?

    from The Little I Know: “In Skver, the minhag is that the “chosson’s” father does NOT attend the aufruf at all.”

    I highly doubt that’s true! Why would the chosson’s father not attend?

    #1150104

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    If there was an aufruf this week, it would be tough for the future shver to come.

    #1150105

    chatzkal
    Participant

    The little I know: “In Skver, the minhag is that the chosson’s father does NOT attend the aufruf at all. If he happens to daven at the same shul, he may be there. etc…” First of all I think you meant the “kallah’s father”. Second of all, as we all know, there is only ONE shul in Skver…

    #1150106

    flatbusher
    Member

    Why is this a matter of minhag at all? Whoever wants to attend sould, and whoever wants to stay home should do that. As for the original poster from two years ago, it sounded more like you were trying to get your son to do what you would do by guilt tripping him. He’s a big boy, he knows what he wants.

    #1150107

    midwesterner
    Participant

    Actually, my future son in law is having an aufruf this Shabbos, Acharon shel Pesach. And as I am a Midwesterner, with Yom Tov and all, I will sadly not attend.

    #1150109

    Bklyner
    Participant

    Actually, in the last few years there is a growing trend in Israel, especially by the litvish crowd not to do a aufruf at all and just do a shabbos sheva brachos where both sided join and split the cost togather.

    #1150110

    chatzkal
    Participant

    Bklyner: I’ve never heard about this “growing trend” but actually a chooson having an aliya the Shabbos before the chasuna is a chiyuv, atleast by Ashkenazim. The Sefardim I believe hold the Shabbos after the chasuna is a chiyuv. Having said this I doubt very highly that what you call the “litvish crowd” (who by the way 90% of their ancestors were Hungarians and never stepped foot into Lita) have any such growing trend. If someone wants to play down the party and both sides want to chip in for a joint celebration the week of Shabbos sheva berachos that’s their business but it doesn’t take away the chiyuv of “aufruf”, being called up for an aliya the Shabbos before one’s chasuna.

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 52 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.


Trending