I am a very busy Mom B"H and I also work. I do enjoy socializing but do not have too much time to shmooze on the phone or go out for coffee. When I do find time like this morning, I am upset that I don't really have friends. Since I am usually busy I dont cultivate friendships and when I am need of friends I dont have too many. Help...advice...
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Friend-less
(19 posts)-
Posted 10 months ago #
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We invite people over for Shabbos, generally speaking one meal is family and one meal is guests (or eating out). This gives people a chance to sit and talk. We're not best friends with everyone we've had over, but I now have people to shmooze with in shul and I know my wife trades recipes and talks about the kids with them during the week even if its only for a few seconds.
Posted 10 months ago # -
To have a friend, you need to be a friend. The advice to invite people over is a good one. Engage in casual conversation with ladies whom you see after Shul. Go to the park with your kids, if they are age appropriate, or join some other group with them that encourages moms to meet. If you can find the time in what I am sure is a very busy day between home and outside work, join a ladies' gym, if you can afford to, or get your nails done in a salon frequented by frum young women. personally I don't go for manicures, but my friend does and she meets new people ALL the time.
Depending on where you live, if you go out walking for exercise, you will often see a number of women doing the same. If all else fails, strike up a conversation in your local supermarket, pediatrician's office, or even Dunkin'Donuts (so many kosher ones out there). Take your little ones (again, if they are little) to the local library when you are off from work. I am a Bubby and I ALWAYS see frum women there with the children or aineklach. I have gotten into many enjoyable conversations that way.
I realize that not all frum women will make use of ALL these suggestions, but find your comfort zone and use it to make friends. I wish you hatzlacha rabbah.
Posted 10 months ago # -
I definitely agree with inviting people for a shabbos meal. When I moved to where I live now last year I knew one other couple, and for a few months I was really sad that I just had no women to speak to. I'm not sure of your age, I am about to turn 24 with one child bH, I worked full time up until I gave birth and I worked in a different state then I lived so I was always driving and exhausted. We started inviting my husbands friends and their wives over and now I have a handful of very good friends, bH and feel much more at home. Acquaintances doesn't cut it. I need a friend/friends I can text randomly, or give a call just to schmooze, or plan a walk to the park. It took some time but inviting people over did the trick.
Posted 10 months ago # -
What are your neighbors like?
Posted 10 months ago # -
Thanks for the opinions and sympathy. I live in an apt building, I make sure to be very friendly to my neighbors and I have a nice relationship with them, but since I am work, and then get busy with the kids I am not the type that is constantly bumping into pple.
I don't work on Sundays and I do go to the park with my children which is great for shmoozing, but I don't feel like a have any close friends. Just someone to call in the morning (I had no work bec electricty is down) and say "Wanna go out for a cup of coffee?"Posted 10 months ago # -
I had another thought. Are there any organizations, PTA, Sisterhood etc., that need volunteers? You could make friends by joining in a group with people of similar interests to your own...
I made one of my closest friends by volunteering to help at our shul BBQ.Posted 10 months ago # -
Maybe you could invite a neighbor over for a brief shabbos afternoon play date/shabbos party?
It would give your kids a chance to get to know each other. If your kids are older, you could extend an invitation for either a meal or dessert. You could tell them "I see you here a lot, but I don't have a chance to get to know you. Maybe you'd like to come over for dessert or a play date this shabbos?"
I think the time to think about making friends is not when you need them. By then you're too desperate to think clearly.Posted 10 months ago # -
Every Jewish person is your friend. Also with less "friendly" coversation there might possibly be less chance of slip-ups in the department of lashon hara - I have overheard such conversation in public, with the defence beihg - "It's O.K.-I'm her friend"!
Be happy all is fine - you don't have to live up to everyone's expectations - which may not be suitable or right for you. Don't feel lonely, you are not alone.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Where are your school friends? Maybe invite over a neighbor with her kids to play with yours?
Posted 10 months ago # -
Why do pole have to stick with their school friends... Grow up life isn't only about school...
Posted 10 months ago # -
For all those of you that suggested I invite kids over for a playdate, the kids come without their parents. My neighbors children are always over at my house and my children go to them, I live in an apt building. That doesnt help my own social circles.
Sometimes I feel silly when this bothers me, I B"H have a great husband and am busy with work and family, but I still would like to have some friends for hanging out, not even for deep late night talks.Posted 10 months ago # -
You shouldn't feel silly at all. I know exactly what you mean as I work many hours too. When you suddenly have time for friendships you haven't too many (and they may be at work also.) If you have time for a ladies shiur/parenting class (Shabbos or evening), the discussion following this type of thing can lead to a real friendship.
Also, the neighbors in your building - sometimes things will happen to develop a deeper relationship. Not just borrowing, but ask advice on recipes or making a simcha, schools camps for kids. You can possibly build on the neighbor relationships until they becomes a friendship.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Poster, you are so NOT silly for feeling this way. We all need adult contact that is not work-related. What if you start a round-robin playgroup where the moms and the kids all particpate. Every week it is at someone else's house, and the mom's visit while the kids have fun. Supervision of the kids depends on the age group.
Posted 10 months ago # -
kollel_wife and Oomis, It is nice when feelings are understood and validated. I just joined a Tiferes group which hasnt started yet, but I signed up to one in the building next door. Tiferes is a project of chofetz chaim heritage foundation where you watch a shiur on a cd with a group of neighbors. Not that I have extra time at night, nor do I have the concentration needed to follow a shiur at that hour but its only once a month and I hope it will somewhat satisfy my social cravings....
Posted 10 months ago # -
more_2: Sorry to disappoint you, I am all grown up by now. It seems to me that the OP is much younger than me with young children, therefore if she kept up with any school friends that should be helpful. Then there are always those who didnt have any friends in school. Which leads me to my next point, WHY NOT??
My ex daughter in law didnt have any friends in school either!Posted 10 months ago # -
I'm not saying pple should break away from their childhood friendships they should most definitely maintain it... However you should be mature enough to create a new social circle based on your current circumstances... Always add and maintain. And the best advice I could give, is be a friend don't look for others to befriend you be a friend towards them... Invite them over for Shabbos, offer help with a simcha, offer to carpool, host a neibourhood shiur at your house.... Of your too busy for it during the week do it Friday night before the guys came home from Shul... There are so many opportunities... And if you've made friends in the past it should be easy for you now...
Ma'am in- Disapoint me.... In which way??? you def have a point if the op didn't have friends in school that suggestion wouldn't work, besides which if she did, it's not the best solution... I believe younge pple need to Brayden their horizons... I find in the Yeshivish communities that is not done and many pple do stick with school friends way into their 40s and 50 s.... I'm not your exdaughterinlaw... If thsts what you are insinuating Bh I've been married for many years... And thankg-d I had friends in my youth as well as now...Posted 10 months ago # -
Side point Your EXdaughter-in-law had no freinds in school... Why did your son marry such an unpopular girl?
Did your son also not have friends?- you may want to think about that one... No parent ever wants anyone else to think that their child has any faults!!Posted 10 months ago # -
More_2: I don't really want to take this thread off on a tangent but I will answer your questions based on MY SIDE.People very often don't give the total truth when it somes to shidduchim.
( Unpopular girl???) I was lead to believe she had friends, because people felt sorry for her.( so they lied) That is not true friendships. She was very antagonized by my sons social life. He had/has many friends! In all the YEARS of their marraige you can count on one hand how many times she got a phone call from any friend at all. She is only married to her own parents who have sabatoged her life! Nebach! Anyway back to the topic at hand, the reason I asked about the op's school friends was trying to see if it was an issue then too? That might answer some of our questions.
By the way you could not be my ex- daughter in law because she never remarried, probably never will!Nebach!Posted 10 months ago #
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