I have been silently reading your posts for quite a while now. I'm the raving lunatic who a while back brought to your attention the distinct possibility that your son, who you have raised so prudently and dilligently, may actually be suffering from an underlying mood disorder, namely bipolar disorder. You didn't buy it and I had no intention of nagging. However, as this thread has unfolded, I want to remind you of some of the things you have told us about your son:
-he has a serious anger problem
-he is depressed
-he does not sleep at night
-he relies on alchohol and cigarettes to cope
-he is moody
These are all signs of a possible underlying mood disorder.
If all of the above were true, but there was a history of abuse or serious traum, then my attitude would be different, but you claim that you have provided him with a functional, warm home. Based on what I've read, I absolutely believe that. So that leaves us with only two options; either you are in complete denial, or you simply have no clue what the face of mental illness looks like. Of course, there is a possibility your son does not have a mood disorder, but you won't know until you investigate the matter.
In my previous posts, you've responded that his behaviour began after several negative experiences with his Rosh Yeshiva, and a few rotten kids who harrassed him. Maybe so, but you fail to realize that those incidents may have been the trigger that ignited the flame of the illness. Often people with a predisposition for mental illness will do just fine as long as all is well in their life. But when a crisis or other chaos arrives, the otherwise latent condition rears its ugly head.
WOW--you've listened to and implemented every piece of sound advice given to you on this board. Tragically, none of it has worked. If there was a 10% chance that what I'm proposing would guide your child in the right direction would you try it? Of course you would. What about 5%? Probably so.
Your child's behaviour is out of line with the values and principles you have instilled in him. He has grown in a warm, caring and functional home. You deeply care about him and have exhibited a clearly open and non-judgemental attiitude about his defiance. You are asking for but a bit of respect, consideration, and sensitivity, yet he persists on a path that is totally erratic, unpredictable and lacks any logical explanation.
Can you honestly tell me, after everything I have spelled out for you, that the possibility of an underlying mental disorder is unrealistic?
Find a good psychiatrist (that's a medical doctor, not a therpaist), preferably one that is comfortable and accustomed to diagnosing mood disorders and bipolar disorder and provide your son with the medication he needs (assuming the doctor in fact makes that diagnosis)to function normally.
I really think you should heed my advice.