Jokes

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  • #590717

    Getzel
    Participant

    I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

    ?

    ?

    ?

    ?

    I told them NO WAY!

    ?

    ?

    ?

    ?

    Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!

    #1200753

    Jewess
    Member

    Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

    A. He buys two cases of beer.

    Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

    A. The bonds mature.

    Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

    A. We don’t know; it has never happened.

    #1200754

    nameless
    Member

    My wife and I divorced over religious reasons;

    She thought she was G-d, and I disagreed, !!!

    #1200755

    toomuch00
    Member

    haha. heres one- vayishlach avraham es hamilachim=the yankees sent the angels home.

    and another one- a boy asks his father “daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” “i dont know son, im still paying…!”

    #1200756

    pookie
    Member
    #1200757

    pookie
    Member
    #1200758

    pookie
    Member
    #1200759

    pookie
    Member

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?”

    Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said: “Watson, you fool, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

    #1200760

    pookie
    Member

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

    #1200762

    Getzel
    Participant

    Spell Checkers – a little Poem.

    A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers…

    Eye halve a spelling chequer

    It came with my pea sea

    It plainly marques four my revue

    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word

    And weight four it two say

    Weather eye am wrong oar write

    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid

    It nose bee fore two long

    And eye can put the error rite

    Its rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it

    I am shore your pleased two no

    Its letter perfect awl the weigh

    My chequer tolled me sew.

    #1200763

    sammygol
    Member

    Which country is the most neutral one?

    Lebanon

    Its government doesn’t get involved even in its own domestic affairs.

    Which country in the most independent one?

    Mongolia

    Absolutely nothing depends on it.

    #1200764

    smartcookie
    Member

    Getzel- I love that one!! Read it many years ago and I really enjoyed it all over again!!

    #1200765

    Getzel
    Participant

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.

    In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as Replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

    #1200766

    Getzel
    Participant

    The entree was pochoys mikeshiur

    The soup, einoi ben Yomo

    The main course, nifsal meachilas kelev

    The desert noisen taam lifgam

    and the bill, a hefsed merubo

    #1200767

    sammygol
    Member

    Getzel!

    Very very good, or do I say wunderbar?

    #1200768

    Getzel
    Participant

    >>>>From a marriage counselors diary<<<<

    *********

    My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”

    I replied “Dust”.

    And that’s how the fight started…..

    **************

    A woman is standing, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel

    horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.

    The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s near perfect.’

    And that’s how the fight started…..

    **************

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

    anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200

    in about 3 seconds.

    I bought her a scale.

    And that’s how the fight started…..

    **************************

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

    order first.

    ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

    He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

    ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

    And that’s when the fight started…..

    #1200769

    Getzel
    Participant

    Sammy gol you will love this one!

    –Lipstick in School —

    According to a news report, a certain school in

    Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.

    A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning

    to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.

    That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick

    they would press their lips to the mirror to blot it

    and would leave dozens of little lip prints. Every

    night, the maintenance man would remove them and the

    next day, the girls would put them back.

    Finally, the principal decided that something had to

    be done. He called all the girls to the washroom

    and met them there with the maintenance man. He

    explained that all these lip prints were causing a

    major problem for the custodian who had to clean

    the mirrors every night.

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean

    the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show

    the girls how much effort was required. He took out a

    long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and

    cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have

    been no lip prints on the mirror.

    Priceless!!

    THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.

    There are teachers, and then there are Educators

    #1200770

    Getzel
    Participant

    Warning: Only For the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it … and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

    MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

    NICKNAMES

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah

    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

    EATING OUT

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

    BATHROOMS

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel

    The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    MARRIAGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

    #1200771

    mybat
    Member

    Getzel, very good jokes!! 🙂 you made me laugh!

    #1200772

    Getzel
    Participant

    My bat

    What can be better than a bisul simcha

    #1200773

    ronrsr
    Member

    why is English so hard to learn?

    A Hymn to Heteronyms by Richard Lederer:

    Please come through the entrance of this little poem.

    I guarantee it will entrance you.

    The content will certainly make you content,

    And the knowledge gained sure will enhance you.

    A boy moped around when his parents refused

    For him a new moped to buy.

    The incense he burned did incense him to go

    On a tear with a tear in his eye.

    He ragged on his parents, felt they ran him ragged.

    His just deserts they never gave.

    He imagined them out on some deserts so dry,

    Where for water they’d search and they’d rave.

    At present he just won’t present or converse

    On the converse of each high-flown theory

    Of circles and axes in math class; he has

    Many axes to grind, isn’t cheery.

    He tried to play baseball, but often skied out,

    So when the snows came, he just skied.

    He then broke a leg putting on his ski boots,

    And his putting in golf was in need.

    He once held the lead in a cross-country race,

    ‘Til his legs started feeling like lead

    And when the pain peaked, he looked kind of peaked.

    His liver felt liver, then dead.

    A number of times he felt number, all wound

    Up, like one with a wound, not a wand.

    His new TV console just couldn’t console

    Or slough off a slough of despond.

    The rugged boy paced ’round his shaggy rugged room,

    And he spent the whole evening till dawn

    Evening out the crosswinds of his hate.

    Now my anecdote winds on and on.

    He thought: “Does the prancing of so many does

    Explain why down dove the white dove,

    Or why pussy cat has a pussy old sore

    And bass sing in bass notes of their love?”

    Do they always sing, “Do re mi” and stare, agape,

    At eros, agape, each minute?

    Their love’s not minute; there’s an overage of love.

    Even overage fish are quite in it.

    These bass fish have never been in short supply

    As they supply spawn without waiting.

    With their love fluids bubbling, abundant, secretive,

    There’s many a secretive mating.

    #1200774

    Getzel
    Participant

    7 reasons not to mess with children.

    1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

    2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, “They will in a minute.”

    3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers! and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

    4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

    5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

    “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

    6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

    7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

    “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples”.

    #1200775

    tamazaball
    Member

    Getzel very good jokes , !!:)

    #1200776

    Poster
    Member

    The story of Noach modernized

    …And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I am going to

    > make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the

    > evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two

    > of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to

    > build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications

    > for an Ark.

    >

    > Six months later… “Noah,” called the Lord, “Where is the Ark?” “Lord,

    > please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big

    problems.

    >

    > “First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction

    > project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So, I had to hire an engineer

    > to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not

    > the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

    >

    > “Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by

    > building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the

    > city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for

    > the Ark. There was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had

    > to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Agency that I needed the wood to

    > SAVE the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any. So, no owls.

    >

    > “The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to

    > negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before

    > anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters on

    > the Ark, and still no owls.

    >

    > “Then, I started gathering up animals and got sued by an animal rights

    > group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got

    > the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark

    > without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

    > They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over

    > the conduct of the Supreme Being.

    >

    > “Then, the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new

    > flood plain. I gave them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve

    > a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how

    > many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets,

    > claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And, I

    > just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax.

    >

    > “I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five

    > years,” Noah wailed.

    >

    > The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across

    > the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, “You mean you’re not going to

    > destroy the earth?” he asked hopefully.

    >

    > “No”, said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”

    #1200777

    yoshi
    Member

    Here’s one for the kiddies out there:

    A man walks into a bar…….

    Ouch!

    #1200778

    ronrsr
    Member

    A termite walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Is this bar tender, bartender?”

    #1200779

    ronrsr
    Member

    A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

    The bartender asks, “Is this some sort of joke?”

    #1200780

    ronrsr
    Member

    A Texan is trying to impress an Israeli visitor with how big things are in America.

    “I can get in my car in the morning, drive all day, and at night, I’ll still be on my ranch.”

    “You know,” says the Israeli, “I used to have a car like that, too.”

    and, for the younger folks:

    I drive a Rolls-Canardly: It rolls down one hill, and can ‘ardly get up the next.

    #1200781

    Getzel
    Participant

    ronrsr good!

    we need more jokes!

    #1200782

    ronrsr
    Member

    A man calls the fire department to report a fire in his house, on 123 Elm St?

    “How do we get there?” asks the answering fireman.

    “Don’t you still have those big red trucks?” asks the homeowner.

    In a bus station, a man asks the busdriver, “Does this bus go to Duluth?” (note: Duluth is a city in Minnesota)

    “No,” the busderiver replies, “It goes ‘beep beep’.”

    #1200784

    Getzel
    Participant

    A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he

    thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach

    her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband

    could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from

    her, and in a normal con versational speaking tone see if she hears you.

    If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a

    response.”

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was

    in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what

    happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    No response.

    So the husband moves closer to the k itchen, about 30 feet from his

    wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from

    his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    Again he gets no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey,

    what’s for dinner?”

    Again there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    (I just love this)

    “Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”

    #1200786

    Getzel
    Participant

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

    She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

    ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    “She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.” “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

    “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically Correct. However, I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

    The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

    “I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

    “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

    You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

    You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but

    somehow, now it’s my fault.”

    #1200788

    aaryd621
    Participant

    a guy is walking around with a carrot in his ear, somebody asks him “why is there a carrot in your ear?” so he says “i cant here you i have a carrot in my ear”

    #1200789

    aardy

    the topic title is “good” jokes…;-)

    #1200791

    NY Mom
    Member

    getzel1: Those were “good” jokes! 😉

    #1200792

    oomis
    Participant

    OYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

    #1200793

    ronrsr
    Member

    A horse walks into a bar.

    “Why the long face?” asks the bartender.

    #1200794

    ronrsr
    Member

    A bar walks into a guy. Oops! wrong frame of reference. Sorry.

    A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single-malt Scotch and downs them one after the other. The barkeep says, “You look like you’re in a hurry.” “You would be too if you had what I have,” said the guy. “What have you got?” “Fifty cents.”

    A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a Scotch and soda. The bartender says, “O.K., but don’t start anything.”

    #1200795

    haifagirl
    Member

    A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single-malt Scotch and downs them one after the other.

    Sherry cask, bourbon cask, etc.?

    #1200796

    ronrsr
    Member

    “Hey Bartender. Pour me a cold one.” “Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?” “Maybe later; right now I just wanna beer.”

    A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you’re a pickle! What are you doing here?” The pickle says, “Well for starters, I’m celebrating the fact that I can walk.”

    EDITED

    #1200797

    ronrsr
    Member

    I can’t say which, but the man was wearing a colored shirt, and had already been vaccinated against H1N1 flu. He did not own a gun, but had two dogs, one of which was an excellent guard dog. He planned on eating three sufganiyot for Chanukah 5770, and wouldn’t enter a shidduch goral even if it included frozen girls. His shirt smelled slightly of mold, though he had tried everything to get rid of the smell. He addressed his rav thus: “What’s up, Rav?” He wore jeans ever since he was in yeshiva.

    What? What? The topic of this thread is “Good Jokes.” Ooops.

    #1200798

    haifagirl
    Member

    ronrsr: I still can’t stop laughing. After all the stale jokes that I’ve read at least three times each on various threads, it was nice to read something original.

    #1200799

    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D

    One fine summer day, Gimpel called his mother from Machane Gan Oisvorf, a summer camp for kids at risk. They spoke for a few minutes and then his father took the phone:

    “Gimpel, who is the learning director at camp? Is he good? What is he teaching you?”

    “Tatty, he is a really cool dude who said he learned in a really rad yeshiva in Harlem. When I told Mommy what he was teaching me though, she said, don’t you dare tell Tatty that or he’ll pull you out of camp and give you such a potch!”

    #1200800

    smartcookie
    Member

    600kilo- I don’t get the joke.

    #1200801

    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

    > > A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > ‘Please note that this Bank is installing new

    > > Drive-through ATM

    > > > machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without

    > > leaving their

    > > > vehicles.

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > Customers using this new facility are requested to use

    > > the

    > > > procedures outlined below when accessing their

    > > accounts.

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE

    > > Procedures have been

    > > > developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for

    > > your gender.’

    > > >

    > > > *******************************

    > > > MALE PROCEDURE:

    > > > 1. Drive up to the cash machine.

    > > > 2. Put down your car window.

    > > > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    > > > 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    > > > 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

    > > > 6. Put window up.

    > > > 7. Drive off.

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > *******************************

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    > > > What is really funny is that most of this part is the

    > > Truth.!!!!

    > > >

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > 1. Drive up to cash machine.

    > > > 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align

    > > car window with

    > > > the machine.

    > > > 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

    > > > 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger

    > > seat to locate

    > > > card.

    > > > 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back

    > > and hang up.

    > > > 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

    > > > 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due

    > > to its

    > > > excessive distance from the car.

    > > > 8. Insert card.

    > > > 9. Re-insert card the right way.

    > > > 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN

    > > written on the

    > > > inside back page.

    > > > 11. Enter PIN.

    > > > 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    > > > 13. Enter amount of cash required.

    > > > 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

    > > > 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

    > > > 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place

    > > cash inside.

    > > > 17. Write debit amount in check register and place

    > > receipt in back

    > > > of checkbook.

    > > > 18. Re-check makeup.

    > > > 19. Drive forward 2 feet.

    > > > 20. Reverse back to cash machine.

    > > > 21. Retrieve card.

    > > > 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place

    > > card into the

    > > > slot provided!

    > > > 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting

    > > behind you.

    > > > 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    > > > 25. Redial person on cell phone.

    > > > 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

    > > > 27. Release Parking Brake.

    #1200802

    working
    Member

    Neither did I

    #1200803

    Getzel
    Participant

    cholentkugelkishke

    very good!!!

    Please everyone else GOOD JOKES ONLY!!

    #1200805

    Getzel
    Participant

    A doctor in Chelem answers

    Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.

    Is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t

    waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up

    your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can

    extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?

    Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay

    and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more

    than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

    Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass

    (green leafy vegetable).

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,

    that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even

    more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms

    up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to

    one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular

    exercise program?

    A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…

    Good!

    Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!….. Foods are fried these days in

    vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting

    more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around

    the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You

    should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me ?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It’s the

    best feel good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me!

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had

    about food and diets.

    And remember:

    ‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

    arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather

    to skid in sideways — Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other

    — body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO!

    What a Ride!’

    AND…..

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on

    nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those

    conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks

    than Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than

    Americans.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine & suffer fewer heart attacks

    than Americans.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart

    attacks than Americans.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION:

    Eat and drink what you like..

    Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!

    #1200806

    Getzel
    Participant

    There was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought

    The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.

    The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the

    pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few

    minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went

    fine.

    out of class and there were no fights!

    pill! I put the pill into the coffee and after he finishes to drink

    #1200807

    Getzel
    Participant

    The mayor of Haifa was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Haifa.

    He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Haifa was full of

    pigeon poop, the people of Haifa could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive

    on the roads.

    It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

    One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

    ‘I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to

    the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.

    Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.’

    The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

    The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and

    released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into

    the bright blue sky.

    All the pigeons in Haifa saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air

    behind the blue pigeon. The Haifa pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she

    flew southward out of the city.

    The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City

    Hall.

    The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had

    performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid Haifa of the plague of

    pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor

    presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that,

    indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no

    fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million

    just to get to ask ONE question.

    The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

    Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the

    pigeons away?

    Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

    Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?

    Nooooooo!

    The mayor asked:

    ‘Do you have a blue Araber?’

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