Jokes

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  • #1200808

    Getzel
    Participant

    A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

    He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

    As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

    She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, ‘No health insurance.’

    The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. ‘No money in the bank.’

    The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’

    He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.’

    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, ‘Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.’

    The patient replied, ‘Okay, send the bill to my brother-in-law.

    #1200809

    NY Mom
    Member

    cholentkugelkishke: Funny, but obviously not apropos to all females.

    I am a bit irked by the implication that women don’t drive well. I consider myself a pretty good driver (ba”h), and I have ridden in cars with male drivers (mostly on shidduch dates) where all I could do was close my eyes and daven. (I am not joking!) I come across this attitude from males of all types and it bothers me, so sorry for getting a bit serious in the Good Jokes thread. Just venting a little, I guess.

    #1200810

    Getzel
    Participant

    NY mom

    Tell us the truth how many cars did you hit by mistake?

    #1200811

    mybat
    Member

    Very good jokes!!!! Thanx!!:)

    #1200812

    mazca
    Member

    Hey my neighbor hit my car, I went to his house and told him I have paint or your car in my car so they should pay, and guess what? It should make you laugh, he said no way I am not going to pay. Isn’t it funny that I thought he was going to pay. lol

    #1200814

    smartcookie
    Member

    Wwwwhhhhaaaaatttt mazca? Why am I not getting some jokes here. I’m usually quite good at this…

    #1200815

    ronrsr
    Member

    Perhaps we should start some additional threads, “Bad Jokes,” “Potentially Offensive Jokes,” “Retread Jokes,” “Arcane Jokes.” This should keep everyone happy.

    #1200816

    mybat
    Member

    The new son in law goes to meet his father in law for the first time. The father in law asks him “so how are you going to support my daughter?”

    “G-d will provide” he answers.

    “Where are you going to live?”

    “G-d will provide”

    “And where are you going to get a car from?”

    Again the son in law replies “G-d will provide…”

    The father in law turns to his wife and says “I like this guy, he thinks I’m G-d!”

    #1200817

    Getzel
    Participant

    What did ??? say when he saw his wife turn in to salt?

    ??? ????

    #1200818

    Getzel
    Participant

    There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

    The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

    “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find I lost my key. I can’t get in because my wife isn’t home. I leave, and come here. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

    #1200819

    Getzel
    Participant

    What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

    #1200820

    Getzel
    Participant

    Husband: I’ll admit I’m wrong if you’ll admit I’m right.

    Wife: OK. You go first.

    Husband: Ok… I’m wrong.

    #1200821

    yossi z.
    Member

    hmmm i am thinking of going to the espionage thread i got that joke texted to me from turxjokes

    #1200822

    Getzel
    Participant

    We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two..

    We haven’t used Sears repair since.

    My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

    Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald’s.

    I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!’ I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

    From Kingman , KS .

    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce..

    From Kansas City

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded,

    ‘That’s why we ask.’

    Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

    She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

    At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

    This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

    I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

    A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’

    This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

    EDITED

    #1200824
    #1200825

    The Wedding Ring Curse

    A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond

    ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

    “This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

    “What’s the curse?” the man asked.

    “Mr. Klopman.”

    #1200826

    craisins
    Member

    kids- when they’re young we want to eat them up! when They grow up we regret that we didn’t!

    #1200827

    yossi z.
    Member

    where in the torah do we see a mekor for choson cigarettes? it says eliezer brought to rivkah a PACK OF CAMELS

    stats show that there are less bald eagles now than 20 years ago which goes to show that anti hair loss medication works

    #1200828

    craisins
    Member

    a man n his wife had a bad argument.The results was…giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he

    had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife

    hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

    The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

    #1200830

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding..

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

    Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

    #1200831

    Phyllis
    Member

    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde

    was using the following password:

    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

    When asked why she used such a big password,

    she said that she was told it had to be at least 8 characters long..

    P.S. If you’re blonde and you don’t get it, just move on!

    #1200834

    ishman
    Member

    a man walks into a bar. OUCH!

    #1200835

    ishman
    Member

    a yeshiva bochur walks into a bar. the rabbi in the bar says, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A BAR?

    #1200836

    ishman
    Member

    a duck walks into a bar and asks for some grapes. the bartender says i have no grapes. this happens again and again. finally the bartender says if you come in one more time i will nail your feet to the floor. the next day the duck walks into the bar and asks “got any nails?” bartender:”no” Duck:”got any grapes?”

    #1200837

    smartcookie
    Member

    Why r you all so busy with bars….

    #1200838

    Getzel
    Participant

    Definitions Not in Dictionary

    ADULT:

    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    CANNIBAL:

    Someone who is fed up with people.

    CHICKENS:

    The animals you eat before they are born

    and after they are dead.

    COMMITTEE:

    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST:

    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST:

    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF:

    Cold Storage.

    INFLATION:

    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO:

    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    RAISIN:

    Grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET:

    Something you tell to one person at a time.

    TOOTHACHE:

    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW:

    One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

    YAWN:

    An honest opinion openly expressed.

    WRINKLES:

    Something other people have.

    I have character lines

    EDITED

    #1200839

    Getzel
    Participant

    —-Israeli personals


    Shmuel Gabbai, 36.

    I take out the Torah Saturday morning.

    Would like to take you out Saturday night.

    Please write POB 81.

    Couch potato latke in search

    of the right applesauce.

    Let’s try it for 8 days.

    Who knows?

    POB 43

    Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul

    light shabbos candles,

    celebrate holidays,

    build Sukkah together,

    attend brisses, bar mitzvahs –

    Religion not important.

    POB 658

    Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get

    or can get get.

    Get it?

    I’ll show you mine

    if you show me yours.

    POB 72.

    Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys

    Yom Kippur,Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther,

    Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B’Teves,

    Shiva Asar b’Tammuz.

    Seeks companion for living life in the ‘fast’ lane.

    POB 90.

    Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.

    Seeks same in woman.

    POB 43.

    Nice Jewish guy, 38.

    No skeletons.

    No baggage.

    No personality.

    POB 76

    Female graduate student,

    studying kaballah, Zohar,

    exorcism of dybbuks,

    seeks mensch.

    No weirdos, please.

    POB 56.

    Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,

    havdallah candles,Yahrzeit candles.

    Seeks non-smoker.

    POB 787.

    I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to,

    share your innermost thought and deepest secrets.

    Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities.

    No fatties, please

    POB 86.

    Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,

    independent, self-made, looking for girl

    whose father will hire me.

    POB 43

    #1200840

    Getzel
    Participant

    A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,

    SAID, “HELLO, I’D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.

    I’D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE.”

    THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,

    “WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?”

    SHE SAID, “SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.”

    “I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION.”

    “3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?”

    “I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302.”

    “JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.

    OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE’S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,

    HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE

    AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE’S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O’ CLOCK.”

    THE WOMAN SAID,” THANK GOD!

    THAT’S WONDERFUL”

    OH! THAT’S FANTASTIC.

    THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS! “

    THE NURSE SAID,” FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!”

    “NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!

    AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!”

    #1200841

    Getzel
    Participant

    1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

    3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

    5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

    #1200842

    Getzel
    Participant

    Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

    No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an “Old Jewish Man” sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,

    “We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

    “Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”

    “A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.

    “Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”

    The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

    “So why did he say not to go there?” some of the pioneers asked.

    “Oh, you know those Jews — they don’t eat bacon.”

    So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”

    The near-dead man starts shouting,

    “You fool! You sent us to our deaths!

    We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”

    The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.” He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

    “Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.

    It vuz not a bacon tree.

    It vuz a ham bush!”

    #1200843

    Getzel
    Participant

    Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

    To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard

    and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home.

    You want it, you take it.”

    For three days the fridge sat there without even one

    person looking twice at it.

    He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of

    this deal.

    It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to

    read:

    “Fridge for sale $50.”

    The next day someone stole it. Caution…

    #1200844

    Getzel
    Participant

    My colleague and I were eating our lunch in the cafeteria,

    when we overheard one of the administrative assistants

    talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to

    the shore.

    She drove down in a convertible, but

    “didn’t think she’d get sunburned

    because

    the car was moving”.

    #1200845

    Getzel
    Participant

    A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

    The lawyer sued…and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”

    NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD

    THINKS WE’RE NUTS

    #1200846

    Getzel
    Participant

    An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

    “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

    “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says. “They’re coming for Sukkot and paying their own airfares.”

    #1200847

    Getzel
    Participant

    Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Sid,” asked Mundo, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”

    I don’t know,” Mundo replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

    When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

    “I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”

    “Are you sure?” Mundo asked.

    “I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

    While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

    When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”

    “Are you really sure?” Mundo asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”

    “Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”

    #1200848

    Poster
    Member

    Wonderful Definitions

    Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

    School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

    Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

    Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

    Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

    Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

    Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

    Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

    Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

    Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

    Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

    Father: A banker provided by nature.

    Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

    Classics: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

    Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

    Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

    Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouths.

    Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

    Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

    Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

    #1200849

    Getzel
    Participant

    Hyman recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing “fairly well” for his age.

    Hyman was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor “Do you think I’ll live to be 80, doctor?”

    He replied, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”

    “Oh no”, Hyman replied, “I’ve never done either.”

    Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?”

    Hyman replied, “No, I’ve heard that red meat is very unhealthy.”

    “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” asked the doctor.

    “No I don’t,” Hyman replied.

    Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or mess have any sort of fun?”

    “No,” said Hyman, “I’ve done none of those things.”

    The doctor looked at Hyman and said, “Then why do you want to live to be 80?”

    #1200850

    Getzel
    Participant

    Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, Iran’s latest President, called President Obama on the phone late one night.

    “I’ve had a remarkable dream, Mr. Obama”, he said, “and it’s something you should know about.”

    “Well Mr. Mindinajar, what was your dream all about?”, queried the President.

    “I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation”, he said, “and in front of every house was a huge banner.”

    “That’s intriguing, Mr. Mindinajar. Tell me, what did it say on these banners?”, asked Bush.

    “They all said the same thing: Allah is God, Allah is great”, stated Mahmoud, as if he could taste victory.

    “It’s quite odd that you should call me about a dream, as I had one the other night as well”, said Obama.

    “And what was your dream about, Mr Obama?

    “I dreamed that Iran had gone through a reformation as well, and on every house was a flagpole.”

    “So, what was on the flags?”, asked the Iranian.

    “I have no idea”, said Obama, “I can’t read Hebrew.”

    #1200851

    Getzel
    Participant

    Two Jews, one old and one young, travel in a train in old Europe.

    The young Jew asks the Old Jew: -What time is it?

    The old Jew does not answer.

    After asking him 25 times, the young Jew seem to give up and asks the old Jew: – Tell me, why don’t you want to tell me what time it is?

    The old Jew answers: – Because then you are going to ask me where I am going to and I will have to answer that I am going to Zlabodka to visit my daughter Lea and you will certainly ask if she is single and I will have to say that she is single and you will certainly ask to meet her for a Shiduch and the last thing I want in my life is my Lea to marry someone who does not have money even to by himself a watch!

    #1200852

    Getzel
    Participant

    A Jew and a non-jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?”

    The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.”

    A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.

    The goy asks “how much herring do you have?” and the jew answers “a dozen pieces”.

    “And how much do you want for a piece?”

    “20 kopecks” (a lot of money).

    The man hands the money over and the jew gives him a piece of herring.

    “He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few

    kopecks”.

    To this the jew responds “see… your getting smarter already.”

    #1200853

    Getzel
    Participant

    A guy in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler.

    He killed the pit bull and saved the child’s life.

    Reporters swarmed the fellow.

    “Tell us! What’s your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow’s headline will be: “Parisian Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!”

    The guy says, “But I’m not from Paris.

    “Reporters: “That’s OK. Then the whole of France will love you and

    tomorrow’s headline will read: ‘French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”

    The guy says, “I’m not from France, either.”

    Reporters: “That’s OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow’s

    headlines will shout: ‘European Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”

    The guy says, “I’m not from Europe, either.

    “Reporters: “So, where ARE you from?

    The guy says, “I’m from Israel.

    “Reporters: “OK. Then tomorrow’s headlines will proclaim to the world:

    ‘Israeli Kills Girl’s Dog!'”

    #1200854

    Getzel
    Participant

    A Texas rancher visits a kibbutz farm in Israel.

    After he is shown all the agricultural advances, he tells the Sabra: “I’m real impressed with your farm here, but where I come from, I can drive all day and not reach the other end of my ranch.”

    The Sabra replies: “I know how you feel.

    I once had a car like that too!”

    #1200855

    haifagirl
    Member

    “Reporters: “OK. Then tomorrow’s headlines will proclaim to the world:

    ‘Israeli Kills Girl’s Dog!'”

    It’s funny, but it’s also so true!

    #1200856

    Getzel
    Participant

    A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an

    Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow

    group of golfers in front of them.

    The Italian from New York fumed, ‘What’s with those jerks? We’re waiting

    fifteen minutes between shots!’

    The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor

    golf!’

    The Chinese businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money’!!!

    The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word

    with him.’

    ‘Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group

    ahead of us?

    They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

    The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters.

    They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we

    always let them play for free anytime.’

    The group fell silent for a moment.

    The Catholic Priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special

    prayer for them tonight.’

    The Indian Doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my Ophthalmologist

    colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’

    The Chinese bus inessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire

    fighters Union in honor of these brave souls’!!

    The Italian from New York said, ‘Why can’t they play at night?

    #1200857

    Getzel
    Participant

    Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he

    visited one of the classes. They were in the middle

    of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The

    teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the

    discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’

    So our illustrious president asked the class for an example

    of a ‘tragedy.’

    One little boy stood up and offered : ‘If my best

    friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,

    that would be a tragedy.’

    ‘No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.’

    A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus

    carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.’

    ‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we

    would call great loss.’

    The room went silent No other children volunteered..

    Obama searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

    Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised

    his hand. In a quiet voice he said:

    ‘If the plane carrying you and Mrs.Obama was struck by a

    ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’

    ‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can

    you tell me why that

    would be tragedy?’

    ‘Well,’ says the boy, ‘It has to be a tragedy,

    because it certainly wouldn’t

    be a great loss…and it probably wouldn’t be an

    accident either.’

    #1200858

    Getzel
    Participant

    One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or pester.

    But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

    The End

    #1200859

    Getzel
    Participant

    School in Paris

    Mohammad entered his school classroom. “What is your name?” asked the teacher.

    “Mohammad,” answered the boy.

    In the evening, Mohammad returned home.

    “The day went well Mohammad?” asked his mother.

    “My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois.

    “Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents??? Your heritage ??? Shame on you!” …And she beat him.

    Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.

    The next day Mohammad returned to school.

    When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked : “What happened my little Jean-Francois?”

    “Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arab terrorists.”

    #1200860

    Getzel
    Participant

    Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president…

    She was right on with this one!

    Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida

    Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It’s a win-win situation.

    + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

    + Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

    + Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

    Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes,

    Think about these:

    1. Cows

    2. The Constitution

    3. The Ten Commandments

    C O W S

    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

    T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ………why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we ‘re not using it anymore.

    T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

    The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

    You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.

    Also, Think about this: If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending

    someone– YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO SPEAK UP!

    #1200861

    Poster
    Member

    Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days………………..

    “When I was a lad, Momma would send me down to t’corner store wi’ a

    dollar, and I’d come back wi’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’

    bread, three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alfa dozen eggs. Yer can’t do that now.

    Too many security cameras.”

    #1200863

    Getzel
    Participant

    poster

    GOOOOOOOD

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