YWN Coffee Room » Humor & Entertainment

Jokes

(1277 posts)
  • Started 2 years ago by getzel1
  • Latest reply from coffee addict

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  1. writersoul
    Member

    Dear Noah,
    We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
    Sincerely, Unicorns

    Dear math,
    Please grow up and solve your own problems. I don't have time for yours AND mine.
    Sincerely, a student who has enough issues that he/she couldn't care less what "x" is

    Dear Americans,
    We totally agree with you about illegal immigration. Please allow us to show you to the nearest airport.
    Sincerely, Native Americans

    Dear people who complain about our generation,
    Remember who raised us.
    Sincerely, your kids

    Dear 2011,
    We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals...
    Sincerely, 1950

    Dear Board of Education,
    So are we.
    Sincerely, students everywhere
    PS Learn how to spell

    Dear SuperGlue and NonStick Pan,
    One of you is lying...
    Sincerely, here goes nothing.

    Dear person reading this,
    You're here because you're actively procrastinating or avoiding real work, aren't you? It's OK...me too.
    Sincerely, I'll work tomorrow

    Dear you,
    After reading this you will realize the the brain does not process the second "the."
    Sincerely, cool, eh?

    Dear People who say money is made of paper which is made of wood which is made of trees so money grows on trees,
    Money is actually made of cotton.
    Sincerely, you fail at life.

    Dear you,
    After reading this you will realize the brain does not process the second "the."
    Sincerely, made you look!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  2. Shticky Guy
    Shtick on a Stick :)

    Man 1: My mother in law is an angel.
    Man 2: You're lucky; mine is still alive.

    ===

    My mother in law was banned from poker. She kept putting the chips on her shoulder.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  3. Shticky Guy
    Shtick on a Stick :)

    A Rabbi drove into a gas station and had to wait in line for a long time. The attendant, appologising to the Rabbi for the wait, said that he had found that in his job he met many people that knew they had a long journey to take but left all the preparations for it to the last second. "In my profession too" said the Rabbi!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  4. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
    Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”
    So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.
    His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So, where’s mine?”
    “Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
    Services will be held at 10:00 AM tomorrow.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  5. coffee addict
    Once killed a Troll with his bare hands

    Baal,

    You posted this already

    Posted 3 months ago #
  6. govoah the best camp
    Blocked

    Some guy knocked on my door saying he was collecting for a mikvah... So I gave him two cups of water and a bar of soap.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  7. Aishes Chayil
    Member

    Shticky guy, I heard that joke a bit differently.

    Man 1: My wife is an angel
    Man 2: My wife is also not human

    Posted 3 months ago #
  8. cb1
    Music Producer

    Warning: Do NOT repeat this to your spouse

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  9. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    “The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it’s difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine” - Abraham Lincoln

    “74.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot”

    “When it comes to math, there are 3 types of people: Those who get it, and those who are totally lost.”

    Posted 3 months ago #
  10. yummy cupcake
    with sprinkles on top

    (in the spirit of tu b'shvat)
    what's the difference b/t a hospital and bmg?
    in a hospital they go from life support, into the freezer. in bmg, they go from the freezer to life support!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  11. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    LOL, yummy cupcake! The Rosh Yeshiva should start his shmoozin with milsa d'b'dichoso like that one! LOL!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  12. Shticky Guy
    Shtick on a Stick :)

    yummy cupcake +1 funny!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  13. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    Toyota and Chevrolet have made a pact recently, and decided to go ahead and try to create some type of hybrid by merging the Toyota together with the Chevrolet. But all they were able to come up with was a Toylet.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  14. yummy cupcake
    with sprinkles on top

    i don't take credit- i did not make it up. just passing on a smile :) and baal habooze, i dunno what that means.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  15. OneOfMany
    Today, Nymphadora is sporting One Of her Many noses ^_^

    Ohhhh, that's bad. :)

    Posted 3 months ago #
  16. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    yc-
    milsa d'b'dichoso= a joke (a term used for one that begins a shiur or shmooze with a humorous pun or joke to 'wake up' the crowd.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  17. baron fritz
    Not the Red One

    The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

    Rosh Hashanah ------- Feast
    Tzom Gedalia ----------- Fast
    Yom Kippur -------------- More fasting
    Sukkot -------------------- Feast for a week +
    Hashanah Rabba ---- More feasting
    Simchat Torah --------- Keep right on feasting
    Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
    Hanukkah ---------------- Eat potato pancakes
    Tenth of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes
    Tu B'Shevat ------------ Feast
    Fast of Esther ---------Fast
    Purim --------------------- Eat pastry
    Passover ---------------- Do not eat pastry for a week
    Shavuot ------------------ Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)
    17th of Tammuz -------- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
    Tisha B'Av ----------------- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
    Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle.
    Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

    A rabbi was waiting in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

    “Rabbi,” said the young man, “I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

    The rabbi chuckled, “I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.”

    Selma Epstein, a very gracious old lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother Herman in another part of the country.

    “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk when she arrived at the post office.

    “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the Selma.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  18. Ken Zayn
    born Kenneth Solomon Zaynestzky

    At the Olympics if they bring in a competition on interfering my mother in law will for sure win the top gold meddle

    Posted 3 months ago #
  19. moi aussi
    Member

    A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a CONGRESSMAN happened to appear. The CONGRESSMAN took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

    'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' He asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

    'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

    'What sort of question?' asked the CONGRESSMAN.

    Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

    The CONGRESSMAN thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

    Posted 3 months ago #
  20. moi aussi
    Member

    I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'

    Posted 3 months ago #
  21. moi aussi
    Member

    Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
    To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
    For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
    So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

    The next day someone stole it!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  22. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

    Catholic: “I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!”

    Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

    Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!”

    They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

    The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

    “I'm not selling!!!...”

    Posted 3 months ago #
  23. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars - and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

    Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars - and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

    Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know - fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  24. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?"
    Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and Oi've just wet mine."

    Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
    Mick: "What if one explodes, before we get there?"
    Paddy: "We'll have to lie and say we only found two."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  25. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    Meyer, a lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along the street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machts du? Yeah, du." (How are you? Yes, You!)

    Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it.

    The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot!"

    Meyer did.

    In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

    All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida.

    The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends.

    They both went to sleep.

    Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin (phylactyeries), all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tefillin hand made for the parrot.

    The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

    One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (Synagogue) was no place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.

    Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

    Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

    All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -- Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

    Nothing.

    "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

    Nothing.

    After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

    Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I had tefillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

    "Meyer, don't be a fool," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

    Posted 3 months ago #
  26. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present.

    The next birth day came but this year he didn’t buy her a gift.

    The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why it was that he had forgotten her birthday this year.

    The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

    Posted 3 months ago #
  27. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    Mick was in the pub with Paddy drinking a pint of Guinness, and he said “Me and the wife were so depressed we decided we were going to commit suicide yesterday ... strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck, soldier on!”

    Posted 3 months ago #
  28. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

    Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

    "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

    "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

    "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

    "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike."

    There's a few minutes of silence....
    "I no rike Jews" the copilot suddenly announces.

    "Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

    "Jews sink Titanic" says the co-pilot.
    "What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the
    captain, "It was an iceberg."

    "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no mattah... all same."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  29. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the temple's marriage marathon, the rabbi asked Saul to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

    The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

    The rabbi inquired trips to where?

    "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

    The rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Saul. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

    Saul replied, "I'm going to go get her back."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  30. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

    Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

    Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

    Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

    They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

    Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  31. uneeq
    Member

    Ok this ones my own. Sorry if it stinks.

    It's Erev Rosh Chodesh Elul. The yeshiva auditorium starts to fill in with students and locals, and is soon overpacked. The Famed Rosh Yeshiva gets up to the dais, with everyone waiting to swallow every precious word that leaves his holy mouth.

    "Rabbosai!!" The Rosh Yeshiva yells out.


    "ELUL!!" "ELUL!!!!"
    His trembling lips let out a piercing scream that hits everyone's hearts

    "ELUL...IS ONLY 12 MONTHS AWAY!!!"

    And with that he passes out.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  32. dove
    Member

    ONE

    Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

    'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
    teenager at the counter.

    'You don't?' I replied.

    'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

    'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

    'That's right.'

    So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

    (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

    TWO

    I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
    'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

    After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
    so she could scan it.

    Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

    I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

    She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

    She had no clue to what had just happened.

    THREE

    A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

    When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

    (keep shuddering!!)

    FOUR

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

    She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

    'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

    'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!

    FIVE

    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

    Brunette, by the way!!

    SIX

    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.... The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

    Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

    Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid

    Posted 3 months ago #
  33. dove
    Member

    A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth! :)

    Posted 3 months ago #
  34. dove
    Member

    New High School Exit Exam

    New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

    (Passing requires only 4 correct answers)

    1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

    2) Which country makes Panama hats?

    3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

    7) What was King George VI's first name?

    8) What color is a purple finch?

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

    10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

    Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

    Check your answers below .....

    ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
    2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
    3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

    7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

    8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

    10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
    What do you mean, you failed?

    Me, too.

    (And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

    Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  35. dove
    Member

    DEMENTIA QUIZ or how to feel really stupid fast

    FIRST QUESTION:

    YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
    THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

    ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
    THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
    SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

    TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
    NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
    BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
    YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

    SECOND QUESTION:
    IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE.....?
    (SCROLL DOWN)

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
    WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

    YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

    THIRD QUESTION:
    VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
    THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
    DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
    TRY IT.

    TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT... NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
    ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20.. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
    NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

    SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    DID YOU GET 5000?

    THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

    IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
    TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

    MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...

    FOURTH QUESTION:
    MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
    1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3.NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
    2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
    HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

    OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
    I.E.., A FINAL CHANCE TO
    REDEEM YOURSELF:

    A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
    BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
    SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS
    DONE.
    NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
    PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
    HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

    DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
    IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
    SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
    HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  36. cb1
    Music Producer

    A Priest says to God, "Will we ever have a woman Pope?". God responds, "Not in your lifetime". Priest then asks "Will Pope's ever be allowed to marry?" God responds, "Not in your lifetime." Priest then asks "Will the Patriots ever beat the Giants in a Super Bowl?" God responds, "Not in MY lifetime."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  37. coffee addict
    Once killed a Troll with his bare hands

    you're a marked man cb1

    dove,

    I actually got the math one and the ones after it right

    Posted 3 months ago #
  38. Imanonov
    Member

    I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive
    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
    And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
    People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  39. The Real Chasidishe Gatesheade
    Member

    Very short Rebbisha story:
    A Rebbish einikel borrowed money from someone.....
    End of story ☺

    Posted 3 months ago #
  40. coffee addict
    Once killed a Troll with his bare hands

    Ok,

    I'm sorry in advance if this turns out to be a bad joke

    A frum yid walks into a restaurant orders something and seeing the fleishigs right next to the milchigs runs over to the manager and starts yelling that the meat shouldn't be with the milk, to which the manager states that this restaurant isn't kosher

    The yid looks at the manager spits out what. He's eating and shouts

    "I want to speak to the mashgiach"

    Posted 2 months ago #
  41. Imanonov
    Member

    I've got the feeling that this one has already appeared once before, but there is no way I'm going to check all 1100+ entries:

    Boy!!! Was I glad to receive this!!
    Check your shampoo bottle label.
    I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!
    When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

    FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!

    NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

    Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads:

    DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

    Problem Solved!!!
    If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

    Posted 2 months ago #
  42. Ken Zayn
    born Kenneth Solomon Zaynestzky

    Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to stop and have a small nap. He had just fallen asleep when there was a knock on his window. 'Do you have the time please' asked a passer by. 'Its 8.10' he said. He dozed again but was woken up with another rap on the window. 'Excuse me what time is it' asked a cyclist. '8.15' he replied. To avoid being disturbed again, he put a notice in the window saying I DONT KNOW WHAT THE TIME IS and settled back down to rest. Just as he was drifting off, there was yet another knocking on his car. Scowling he opened his eyes. 'What do you want?' he shouted at the elderly lady standing there. 'I just want to tell you that it is 8.35' she said!

    Posted 2 months ago #
  43. writersoul
    Member

    With today's rapid advance in technology, we thought it important to bring to our readers' attention some new engineering conversions:

    2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

    1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

    Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1bananosecond

    Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

    365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite-year

    Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

    Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
    (think about it for a moment)

    1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

    Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

    453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

    1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

    10 cards: 1 decacards

    1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

    2 monograms: 1 diagram

    8 nickels: 2 paradigms

    2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbird

    Posted 2 months ago #
  44. Baloochi
    Member

    Did you hear about the Irish man who parked the wrong way at the car boot sale?
    He ended up selling his engine....

    Posted 2 months ago #
  45. Luna Lovegood
    Quibbling In the CR

    don't get that last one

    Posted 2 months ago #
  46. ymhtb1
    Member

    Here R a few

    Two Hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his Phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "my Friend is dead! what can i do?"the operator says, "calm down. i can help. first let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says "Ok, now what?"

    A guy says, "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers"

    A doctor says to his patient, " I have bad news and worse news." "oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient. the doctor replies, "you only have 24 hours to live." "that's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" the doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

    Posted 2 months ago #
  47. SayIDidIt
    Member

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

    Posted 2 months ago #
  48. baron fritz
    Not the Red One

    Little Moishie Rosenberg is at his cousin Hadassah’s wedding and asks his mom, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white on her wedding day?"

    Moishie’s mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

    Moishie thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black?"

    Posted 2 months ago #
  49. baron fritz
    Not the Red One

    For those who frequent Chinese restaurants and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) - well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are.

    THE YIDDISH ZODIAC

    The Year of CHICKEN SOUP
    1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
    You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children - resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.

    The Year of EGG CREAM
    1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
    You've got a devious personality, since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

    The Year of CHOPPED LIVER
    1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
    People either love you or hate you, making you wonder, "What am I, chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your back.

    The Year of BLINTZ
    1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
    Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy, but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

    The Year of LATKE
    1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
    Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's cousin Sour Cream.

    The Year of BAGEL
    1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
    You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.

    The Year of PICKLE
    1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
    You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.

    The Year of SCHMEAR
    1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
    You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher.

    The Year of PASTRAMI
    1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
    Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life, even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side.

    The Year of BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
    1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
    Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.

    The Year of KNISH
    1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
    Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.

    The Year of LOX
    1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
    Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.

    Posted 2 months ago #
  50. Luna Lovegood
    Quibbling In the CR

    Adam went to G-d and said "I'm very lonely could You make a mate for me"
    G-d said "Sure, I'll make you mate that is extremely beautiful she'll have blonde hair and blue eyes. she will be an amazing cook and she will never ever nag you she will be supportive of everything you do and never question you decisions"
    "Great!" said Adam "but what is this gonna cost me?"
    "An arm and a leg"
    "that's a little much. what can i get for a rib"

    Posted 2 months ago #

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