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Jokes
(1454 posts)-
Posted 11 months ago #
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In the past we have requested all from posting in the 9 days.
Posted 11 months ago # -
a) Are you going to the siyum hashas?
b) No
a) Why not, you went to the Internet asifa?
b) Well I sometimes look at the InternetPosted 11 months ago # -
I had to laugh the other day when i was waiting behind a guy by the drinks machine. He put in a dollar and took out a can of coke. Then he put in another dollar and took out another coke.
I was amused watching him taking out twenty cans. I said to him:
"Can you get on with it?"
He turned to me with a smirk and said: "You're just jealous - I won every time!!!"Posted 10 months ago # -
Guys - 9 Days are over; start smiling and get your keyboards going! We need some laughs over the next few weeks!
[Obviously - until Eluuuul, when the site MUST close down]
Posted 10 months ago # -
we still have a few hours of it
Posted 10 months ago # -
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Posted 10 months ago # -
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Posted 10 months ago # -
I'm thinking about setting up a rival service to Twitter, which allows you to write 145 characters, instead of 140. All those in favour, say
Posted 10 months ago # -
This annoying guy called Pinchos Gershon Stern told me I can call him GPS for short, so I told him where to go
Posted 10 months ago # -
I hooked the world's biggest ever fish last night. I'm still reeling!
Posted 10 months ago # -
25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now we have Obama, no hope and no cash.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Message/Tweet currently going around the UK:
If you took any electrical items during the riots last year, the one year warranty is now expiring. Should you wish to renew the warranty, please call us on 999 (911) and we will sort it out for you.
Posted 10 months ago # -
WARNING DON'T DO THESE ON YOUR FRIENDS
call up someone and ask is your fridge running if he says yes say well you better go catch it
or call someone and ask is max there if they say no say i'll leave a message keep on doing this till they get annoyed then call and say this is max is there any messages for me?Posted 9 months ago # -
@the happy one (User not found):
The max one is really funny! Its the kind of thing arwsf would do!
Posted 9 months ago # -
Apparently yesterday on an Elal Flight to USA at 16:44, a tall swarthy male of Palestinian origin got up on a plane, stopping a stewardess as she went past.
"Allah.. Allah... Allah... Allah..." He stuttered. Everybody feared the worst.
"I'll have a coffee please!!" He finished...
Posted 9 months ago # -
A German couple have moved into number 4 opposite us. They seem nice. I think he's a bit paranoid, though. He says he's living in fear.
Posted 9 months ago # -
True story this week in Lakewood
A drug deal gone bad ended with one of the parties being robbed at gunpoint, police say. The incident occurred at about 11:45 PM in the parking lot of the Best Western Hotel on Route 70.A man reportedly agreed to meet a drug dealer to purchase a product, and when he arrived, the dealer pulled a gun on his client instead and demanded his wallet and cell phone. He took the proceeds and fled, without handing over the drugs.
Police are investigating the incident. TLS-YYB/TLS-CCP.
What an idiot:
POLICE: Thanks for calling 911, Where’s the emergency?
DRUG ADDICT: A man just robbed me in the parking lot on Rt 70.
POLICE: Please describe what happened.
DRUG ADDICT: I was trying to buy drugs, but he just took the money and never gave me the drugs.
POLICE: Oh. Stay right where you are. We are coming to arrest you.
Posted 9 months ago # -
ATTENTION LADIES:
IF A MAN SAYS HE IS GOING TO FIX SOMETHING, HE WILL.
THERE IS NO NEED TO REMIND HIM EVERY 6 MONTHS!!
Posted 9 months ago # -
Why did the Jewish chicken cross the road?
Posted 8 months ago # -
Why shouldn't it cross the road?
Posted 8 months ago # -
1)maybe someone "cut him" a good deal..lol!
2)he was coming to my house. I love having booze with chicken.
3)maybe the lubavitcher across the road, who was mekarev him, invited him over for a shabbos seuda
Posted 8 months ago # -
Why did the American chicken cross the road?
The light was red.Why did the Canadian chicken cross the road?
It saw the American chicken do it.Why did it only cross halfway?
1)It didn't want to take sides
2)it wanted to lay it on the lineWhy did the Polish chicken cross the road?
It didn't see the truck.Why did the monkey cross the road?
He saw the chicken do it.Why didn't the rooster cross the road?
It was a chicken.Posted 8 months ago # -
What's a Ghosts favorite coloer?
Boo.What do yo get when you mix a porcupine with a turtle?
A slow poke.Posted 8 months ago # -
What do yo get when you mix a porcupine with a rabbit?
a fast pokePosted 8 months ago # -
Two Chabad-niks were speaking about Moshiach and ... suddenly Moshiach was there!
"What a pity" said one to the other "that we weren't talking about The Rebbe"!Posted 7 months ago # -
Important community announcement:
A Dirshu Hurricane will take place next week. Details to follow.Posted 7 months ago # -
squeak- :D awesome!
Posted 7 months ago # -
The daughter's of Lot wrote a book about their mother. It was called "My Mother the Netziv"
Posted 7 months ago # -
There was a Chassidishe in shul who never said Tachanun. Looking for a heter, some guys asked him why. He said:
"Make a Kal VeChomer - If there is yortzheit we don't say Tachanun, Kol sheken when there is nisht tzait we don't need to say Tachanun!!!"Posted 6 months ago # -
Carlebach story:
Let me tell you a story, my holy brothers and sisters... Once upon a time... i was walking in the desert. So thirsty, so hot; no water to drink.
I davened to the Holy One above, and He sent me a camel. [Interlude: Ko Omar... לכתך אחרי במדבר...]
So now I was walking with the camel, and i saw - we saw - a man standing, so holy, so pure - holding out some water.
I ran towards him, i could see the kedusha on his face... and i fell into the pit, with the camel on top of me...
[Guitar strumms...]אשירה לה' כי גמל עלי...
Posted 6 months ago # -
Yekke2 - very funny!!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rabbit? Nisht a hen and nisht a hare.Posted 6 months ago # -
Get Prepared - Things are going to get ugly
This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continues meddling in Egypt, Libya , and other potential hot spots in the middle east, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.
It's gonna get ugly!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Spell Checkers - a little Poem.
A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers...Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two noIts letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sewPosted 6 months ago # -
a few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “dear, what would you like for your present?”
wife: i really don’t think i should say.
husband: How about a diamond ring?
wife: i don’t care much for diamonds.
husband: well, then, a mink coat?
wife: you know i do not like furs.
husband: A golden necklace?
wife: i already have three of them.
husband: well, gosh, what do you want?
wife: what i’d really like is a divorce
husband: hmmm, i wasn’t planning on spending that muchPosted 6 months ago # -
a couple was having a party at their house. an hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. so she sent her husband out to get it. he was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. so he stopped at the bar on the way. an hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. he quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. he tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him but at that moment his wife came out. he quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "come on guys, we're almost there."
Posted 6 months ago # -
One of the guys in my yeshiva said this at a sheva brochos, he gave advice to the chosson and said - chosson dont do the washing , i am telling you from experiance that boys simply cannot wash clothing. just the other day i put 2 shirts in the washing machine pulled the chain and i never saw them again.
Posted 6 months ago # -
A Jewish guy buys a car, and chooses a Lamborghini. He then decides, that he wants to put a mezuzzah on it. He goes to an Orthodox Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I want you to put a mezuzzah on my Lamborghini".
The Rabbi answers, "What's a Lamborghini?".
The Jewish guy says, "It's a very expensive, fancy Italian car".
The Rabbi says, "Sorry, we don't put mezuzzahs on cars".He then goes to a Conservative Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I want you to put a mezuzzah on my Lamborghini".
The Rabbi says, "What's a Lamborghini?"
The Jewish guy says, "It's a very expensive, fancy Italian car".
The Conservative Rabbi answers, "Sorry, we don't put mezuzzahs on cars".He then goes to a Reform Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I want you to put a mezuzzah on my Lamborghini".
The Rabbi answers, "What's a mezuzzah???"Posted 6 months ago # -
Shuychus - one of my good friends said the same - Are you who i think you are or is this a famous joke?
Posted 6 months ago # -
Shuychis
Don't get it.Posted 6 months ago # -
yekke2- i dont know who you think i am.
Wiy - think really hard about pulling this chain.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Shuychus
The light :-)Posted 6 months ago # -
I hope this was obvious already, but just in case it wasn't, in the old days, the WC was equipped with a chain. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Chicken crossing version 2.0
Why did the litvishe chicken cross the road?
Why shouldn't it cross the road?Why did the Chassidishe chicken cross the road?
That side was only for roosters.Why did the conservative chicken cross the road?
It wanted to go off the derech.Why did the Lubavitch chicken cross the road?
To be mekarev the conservative chicken.Posted 5 months ago # -
I just started a koillel where yingeleit learn practical halacha.
The topic for this zman is the Arba Misois Byse Din.
Posted 4 months ago # -
3 litvaks and a chassid were visiting a friend for Shabbos. At Seudah Shlishi, the host puts out a plate with 5 pieces of herring on it and says, "Enjoy! Don't wait for me, I don't like herring."
Each guests grabs one piece. They are all eyeballing the one piece left on the plate, not wanting to seem like the greedy one for taking the extra piece. Suddenly, the lights go out. A piercing scream is suddenly heard! Just as quickly, the lights go back on.
There, on the plate, is a hand holding the last piece, with 3 forks stuck in it.
Posted 4 months ago # -
Hershel comes up to his rebbe and says he gets a mazel tov."It's a baby girl", he happily reports. The rebbe gives him a warm mazel tov and asks him if he would like to schedule the kiddush for this coming shabbos. Hershel says he would, but can't figure out what name to give his baby girl. "Maybe you can suggest something." The rebbe suggests that he look up a girl's name mentioned in the week's sedra. "Good idea!", and Hershel goes home. That shabbos Hershel names his baby 'Shprintzah', and the rebbe is taken aback. He asks Hershel why he didn't choose a name from the parsha, and he says that the only name he found was already taken by his Shvigger. Moments later the Rebbe looks in the chumash and notices it was Parshas Mishpotim. (There are no names of girls in that parsha)! "Hershel, where is your mother-in-law's name mentioned in the parsha?" Hershel grins and says, "מכשׁפה לא תחיה"
Posted 3 months ago # -
A chasidishe bochur went to a store to buy a TV, he chsoehwich model he wanted and asked the salesamn to sell it to him.
The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to a hassidic boy like you.
The boy reutrned home, ane changed his clothingm returned and asked the salesman again for the TV.
The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to a hassidic boy like you.
The bochur returned home another time, and trimmed his beard, put his peyot behind his ears, and retuned to the store.
I'm sorry, The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to a hassidic boy like you.
The boy returned agian, this time dresssed like a nonreligious perosn and tried again.
The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to ahassidic boy like you.
But what makes you think i am hassidic? asked the boy
Only a hassidic boy chooses a microwave and asks for a TV.
Posted 3 months ago # -
Why start with 'vahu bimai achashvayrosh' not 'vahu bimi Ester' U dont start with ladies Yarma Rebbe by airport. Agent 'No more seats'. Yarmaa Rebbe 'Its ok, i can use milk box"
Posted 3 months ago # -
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself...
Posted 2 months ago #
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