Jokes

Viewing 50 posts - 1,901 through 1,950 (of 2,005 total)
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  • #1202882

    nachumberg
    Participant

    A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.

    The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

    “Yes,” replied the Chinese, “Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too.”

    The Jewish man replied, “Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.”

    The Chinese man was incredulous, “That’s impossible,” he replied.

    “Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

    #1202883

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

    The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be Head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor says, “That is very impressive!”

    The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in four pieces. “That is really impressive.”

    The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor asks in disappointment, “Why is the fly not dead?” The Jewish Samurai replies, “What? circumcision isn’t fatal!”

    #1202885

    nachumberg
    Participant

    A man named Irving goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.

    “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

    “What’s wrong?” Asked the Rabbi

    Irving replied, “I think my wife is poisoning me.”

    The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

    Irving pleads, “I’m telling you Rabbi, I’m certain she’s poisoning me! What should I do?”

    The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

    A week later the Rabbi calls Irving and says, “Well, I have spoken to your wife – I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

    Irving anxiously responds, “Yes.”

    “Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

    #1202886

    nachumberg
    Participant

    An 85 year old woman comes to court because she shoplifted a can of peaches. The judge, feeling bad for her asks her how many peaches were in the can.

    “Just six” she replied.

    The judge says “I’ll just sentence you to 6 days in jail, one day for each peach you stole.”

    The judge then turns to her husband and asks if there is anything he wants to say on his wife’s behalf.

    The old man replies “she also stole a can of peas.”

    #1202887

    Student of Torah
    Participant

    3 men in Miami were discussing how they had ended up there.

    The first person says, “well, there was a fire in old home back in New York, and my insurance company paid for me to move here”.

    The second person says, “I had a similar story. There was a flood in my home back in New Jersey, and my insurance company paid for me to move here”.

    The third person says, “I also had a similar story. There was a tornado that destroyed my home back in California, and my insurance company also paid for me to move here”.

    The other 2 people turn to him and say “how do you make a tornado??”.

    #1202888

    B1g B0y
    Participant

    Wife: I have a headache!

    Husband: Sad, Because I wanted to take you to the mall today. Wife: I was just kidding

    Husband: Me too!

    #1202889

    B1g B0y
    Participant

    Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs taking out?

    #1202890

    B1g B0y
    Participant

    Now-days, Avrohom wouldn’t have been accepted in a Yeshiva because he is a son of Terach, but Yishmoel would, cause he is Avrohom’s son

    #1202891

    B1g B0y
    Participant

    A Great Irish Text Message

    Paddy texts his wife: “Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads. If I’m not home in 20 minutes, just read this message again.”

    #1202892

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Chaim and his wife of 20 years had just encountered a pit bull that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. “Why, Chaim,” she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, “you always swore you would face death for me.” “I would,” he flung back over his shoulder, “but that dog isn’t dead.”

    #1202893

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    It’s ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

    #1202894

    zichmich
    Member

    Two hours later, Moishe came back with the entire amount. “Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?”

    “Easy,” Moishe replied. “I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us.”

    #1202895

    zichmich
    Member

    Drivers in New York are notoriously impatient and one Monday morning when Itzik was having car trouble in Brooklyn as no exception. While stopped at a red light, his car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind him was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind him was honking his horn continuously as Itzik continued to try getting the car to start up again.

    Finally Itzik got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind him. “I can’t seem to get my car started,” Itzik said, smiling. “Would you go and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

    #1202896

    zichmich
    Member

    Old Mrs. Epstein was called for jury duty and her son Jerry who was an attorney filled her in on what to expect.

    Asked about the occupations of her family members, Mrs. Epstein blurted out, “Your honor, you should be aware that my son is a very successful lawyer.”

    #1202897

    zichmich
    Member

    An El Al flight was leaving Ben Gurion airport in Tel Aviv on its way to New York. A few minutes passed and then another few, and it became clear that there was going to be a delay.

    Suddenly, the Captain picked up the microphone and announced:

    “We’re sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we have to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly.”

    #1202898

    zichmich
    Member

    David smiled. “That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts.”

    #1202899

    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe and Miriam were out for a drive with Miriam at the wheel, when suddenly the brakes failed on a steep, downhill grade.

    “I can’t stop!” Miriam shrilled. “What should I do?”

    “Brace yourself,” advised Moishe, “and try to hit something cheap.”

    #1202900

    zichmich
    Member

    Shlomo Klein worked for the security department of a large retail store, and his duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.

    Nevertheless customers always found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning “Alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of false alarms, Shlomo got fed up and placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: “Wet paint.”

    #1202901

    zichmich
    Member

    A man named Anthony who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn that services Jewish patients and took his portable keyboard along. Anthony found an old Jew named Saul who looked like he could use some cheering up and he went by his bedside, told some jokes and sang some funny songs.

    When he finished Anthony said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

    Saul replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

    #1202902

    zichmich
    Member

    Three rabbis were discussing how to have the best davening experience (prayer) and what the best positions for prayer were. A telephone repairman who was working nearby overheard their conversation.

    “Standing and swaying back and forth during the shmone esrei is definitely best,” said the first rabbi.

    “You’re both wrong,” the third rabbi insisted. “The best davening is Kabbalat Shabbat, dancing with my arms outstretched to Heaven.”

    The repairman could contain himself no longer.

    “Rabbis,” he interrupted, “the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole.”

    #1202903

    zichmich
    Member

    Morty Epstein was talking to his young grandson David about characters in the Torah. During the conversation Morty told his grandson that Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, which is older than anyone else has ever lived.

    Little David thought about this fact for a second and then asked, “Zadie, did you know him?”

    #1202904

    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe, busily occupied with a video game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Miriam. Some people don’t even know you.”

    #1202905

    The Queen
    Participant

    Thank you Zichmich. hahaha ???

    #1202906

    zichmich
    Member
    #1202907

    zichmich
    Member

    He approached one of the sales clerks who looked more senior. “Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” Herman asked.

    “Have you tried a wife?” he replied.

    #1202908

    zichmich
    Member

    While making the rounds at Hadassah Hospital, Dr. Cohen points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students.

    “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Chaim Yankel, what would you do in a case like this?”

    Chaim Yankel ponders for a second and answers, “I guess I’d limp, too.”

    #1202909

    The Queen
    Participant

    Thanks zichmich.

    #1202911

    sefardi guy
    Spectator

    To Mom:

    Can you buy me..

    Can you bring me…

    Can you go …

    Can i have …

    Can you get…

    Can lunch be..

    Can i go…

    To Dad:

    Where’s Mom?

    #1202913

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Sfardi guy,

    The last one was good

    #1202914

    zichmich
    Member

    “Do you know how to work this thing?” Mr. Graham asked Sam. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”

    “Yes, of course, sir,” said Sam, who turned on the machine, while he took the paper from the senior partner, and fed it in.

    “Thank you, son,” said Mr. Graham, “I just need one copy…..”

    #1202915

    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe and David were in third grade, were best friends, and were go getters. They decided to start selling candy bars out front of a local grocery store to make a little side money. One day as they were selling, an older woman walked by their booth and smiled at their pitch.

    She bought a chocolate bar, and handed the candy back to Moishe. He shook his head as he placed the chocolate bar back into his merchandise display. “I can’t,” he said.

    “Why not?” the old lady

    Looking the lady in the eye, Moishe responded gravely, “I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers.”

    #1202916

    zichmich
    Member

    Q: How do we know there were telephones in Shushan?

    A: Achashveirosh gave Haman a ring, then hung him up.

    #1202917

    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe Finkelstein sent to his son’s Rebbe Mishloach manos. Included was a envelope with ten crumpled single dollar bills with a note that had a quote from the megillah

    …”?????? ???? ??? ????? ??????”

    The boy’s Rebbe read the note and sent back some Mishloach manos. Included was the same envelope with the ten crumpled bills and a note that read,

    …..???? ????? ????? ??????? ????? ??? ??? ???? ????

    #1202918

    The Queen
    Participant

    zichmich, even the ones I heard already made me chuckle.

    #1202919

    zichmich
    Member

    The Queen,

    Thanks!

    #1202920

    The Queen
    Participant

    zichmich, you’re welcome. I noticed the jokes thread had your name on it, so I expected a good joke. nu?

    #1202922

    Joseph
    Participant

    Queen: We can accept submissions by you as well.

    #1202923

    The Queen
    Participant

    I want a wallet that works like my laundry, within minutes of being empty it gets full again.

    #1202925

    zichmich
    Member

    Mrs Katz, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

    The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ”Your dog is dead”.

    She was like ”Ok, how much do I owe you?”

    The doctor said ”$300”

    She said, ”What!?!? How could it cost that much??”

    He said If you would have taken my word it would have only been”$15 for me to say he was dead.

    The additional $285 was for the cat scan”

    #1202926

    zichmich
    Member

    A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I’m horribly sick!”

    The doctor looks at her and asks, “Flu?”

    “No, I drove here.”

    #1202927

    The Queen
    Participant

    ?

    I vote you give zichmich a subtitle ‘Joker’

    #1202928

    zichmich
    Member

    Whenever Myrna Adler went to the doctor, she would complain about the long delays she always endured.

    One day, after a long wait, her name was finally called and she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today Mrs. Adler,” said the nurse.

    Without a moment’s hesitation, Myrna replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”

    #1202929

    zichmich
    Member

    “Mr. Feldman, please give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them,” said the agent.

    “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

    “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!”

    “Speaking,” said Irv.

    #1202930

    The Queen
    Participant

    ??

    #1202931

    zichmich
    Member

    “Honey,” Miriam replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”

    #1202932

    zichmich
    Member

    At his 103rd birthday party, Zadie Herman Rosenbaum was asked by his great grandson Shmueli if he planned to be around for his 104th.

    “I certainly do Shmueli,” Zadie Herman replied. “As a matter of fact, statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

    #1202933

    The Queen
    Participant

    hahahaha good one! (the first one)

    #1202934

    zichmich
    Member

    When the man finally left, the next person in line, a tourist from Canada, said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”

    The El Al agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”

    #1202935

    The Donald
    Member

    She looked so stricken that Moishe offered some consolation.

    “That’s okay, honey,” Moishe said. “You still have me.”

    Miriam looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Yes,” she wailed, “but you don’t work either!”

    #1202936

    The Donald
    Member

    Itzik Smadar showed up to Tel Aviv Traffic Court, to fight an expensive parking ticket he received. Itzik testified to the judge that a uniformed Policeman had given his personal allowance for him to park there.

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