How to Deal with a Request for a Shidduch Picture

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  • #1136540

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Oh, my, this is embarrassing. I was doing a CR search (searching for the word Brisker, of course), and I found this thread, and it turns out that my great granddaughter does have internet access.

    Who Wants to Marry a Tzadeikes Like Esther?

    If you’re reading this, mein tier’eh einikle, please don’t tell Mommy, Tatty, Bubby and Zaidy who I am.

    #1136541

    oomis
    Participant

    Purim really IS coming!!!!!!!

    #1136542

    Lovelyme
    Member

    Seriously just say you don’t want to or just give one anyway! If they find out you lied it will be worse

    #1136543

    a mamin
    Participant

    DY: it’s a very painful subject for me, am I the only parent here who’s son doesn’t accept any parental

    Opinion??

    #1136546

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Oy.

    L’maaseh, at this point, you can’t expect him to “accept” your opinion simply because it’s your opinion. The best you can do is have an honest conversation, express your opinion and the reasons for it, and try convincing him.

    #1136547

    Excellence
    Participant

    The Talmud says those who marry for money will have unworthy children. Money should not be any consideration in a shidduch. Anything could happen at any moment – the poor could earn their merit and become wealthy. The rich could lose what they have. Don’t the gedolim warm not to rejoice too much – who knows what your aveiras could cause to happen next week.

    Speaking of which, are you mad?

    This $400k dollar marriage startup, were you joking? Were you serious? You would spend a vast fortune like that? There is a man in my community who can’t work a job. He’s starving for food each week. You can see he is a reincarnation and that’s his punishment – might have been a slanderer or arrogant last lifetime. But now, he is completely and utterly dependent on people’s charity. And I heard he’s doing chemo now so where is he going to eat?

    And you would spend hundreds of thousands. Please tell me you were only joking….

    If not… They say the test of wealth is harder than the test of poverty.

    As for the son of a Rosh Yeshiva, well… so what. You don’t know what favour a simple unassuming man has in the regard of Heaven. Appearances are nothing. I have seen Torah scholars with shirts tucked out, or putting a chumash under a siddur, or flicking a sefer closed instead of gently closing it. And I have seen women in mini pants asking when a meat dinner is because she had pizza for lunch.

    The best to look for is not necessarily education but middos – does he offer hospitality, does he have anger inside him or is he quick to forgive? These are a man inside his heart. Knowledge and familial connection are external and superficial.

    And what’s this RUBBISH about showing off a pic to the family?! Gossip? Talking about someone behind their back? The Chofetz Chaim has volumes to say about that. Are those women bored with their time? The conversation will be banal and devarim bateilim. Empty talk.

    And of course you give the dating man a pic of the lady. They swap pics of each other. That’s normal.

    #1136548

    Excellence
    Participant

    Sigh… Does no one read the Tanach? Don’t we learn from the Book of Kings – Chizkiyahu Hamelech Hatzadik – not to show off your treasures? To be quiet and discreet. The Chassan’s or kalla’s pic is no one’s business other than each other’s.

    You think I am chumra? Makpid? Whatever I said is the societal norm.

    #1136549

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    The Talmud says those who marry for money will have unworthy children. Money should not be any consideration in a shidduch.

    See ??”? ???”? ??’ ?”? who says it’s fine, as long as she’s not ????? ??.

    http://hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=44286&st=&pgnum=58&hilite=

    This $400k dollar marriage startup, were you joking?

    Yeah, I know, sounds very cheap for such a metzuyan, but as I explained, his father is wealthy.

    As for the son of a Rosh Yeshiva, well… so what. You don’t know what favour a simple unassuming man has in the regard of Heaven.

    Right, so since we have no idea either way, we might as go for kavod.

    And I have seen women in mini pants asking when a meat dinner is because she had pizza for lunch.

    I can assure you, that was NOT my great granddaughter!

    The best to look for is not necessarily education but middos – does he offer hospitality, does he have anger inside him or is he quick to forgive?

    Of course that’s also important! If you’d have read the entire thread, you’d have noticed that I mentioned that he has good middos. After all, what would people say if our great granddaughter married someone who didn’t?

    And what’s this RUBBISH about showing off a pic to the family?!

    Yes, we’re also against it, that’s why we sent the wrong picture. Tee hee.

    And of course you give the dating man a pic of the lady. They swap pics of each other. That’s normal.

    It may be normal for you, but it’s unacceptable in my family. Such superficiality! What do you think the Chofetz Chaim would say about that? Feh.

    #1136550

    Yserbius123
    Participant

    Time #9823 that my wife almost murdered me:

    Someone was asking about a shidduch for my sister. It was a “double shadchan” situation, where one shadchan knew my sister and the other knew some guy. The boys shadchan (not a professional, just a ba’alabusta) asked to email a picture. I sent her a smiley face I drew with the message “You trust me on her middos, surely you can trust me on her looks”.

    #1136551

    shtusim
    Participant

    Send her baby picture. this way they can see what the Einikel will look like 🙂

    #1136552

    oomis
    Participant

    Shtusin – GENIUS!!!!!!

    #1136553

    Excellent trolling by Excellence. (I think.)

    #1136554

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Shtusim, that’s a great idea! Oomis, can you send a picture of your granddaughter through the mods? I’m sure they’re all adorable.

    #1136555

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    (I mean your grandchildren are adorable, not the mods.)

    #1136556

    oomis
    Participant

    I’m sure the mods are adorable, too. I have only one maideleh and three yingelech, so far. They are kinehora ALL adorable AND adored!

    #1136557

    Appearances are nothing. I have seen Torah scholars with shirts tucked out, or putting a chumash under a siddur, or flicking a sefer closed instead of gently closing it.

    The first “or” might have been a mistake. Either way, an untucked shirt

    is apparently either supposed to be a sign of excellence or something on a level with putting a Chumash under a Siddur* or flicking a sefer closed instead of gently closing it.** I don’t like either of those options, so I’d prefer not to believe that post was sincere. (Actually, the second one doesn’t sound too far off.)

    *

    Don’t many Siddurim have the weekday leining in the back?

    Is it still a problem to put such a Siddur on top of a Chumash?

    **

    Not bakavodik, to be sure, but how serious a violation

    of halacha is it? (Also, familiarity breeds contempt, as they say…)

    #1136558

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    It’s only right that I update the CR on the situation. Also, I’m confused, maybe some of you can help me figure out what happened, because I can’t.

    We sent the picture in (I’m not saying which celebrity it was, because it might give away my identity), all photoshopped to look like a BY girl, but the shidduch didn’t work out.

    They said he already went out with her!! Can anyone offer a possible explanation?

    #1136559

    golfer
    Participant

    Yes I can, DY.

    He already went out with her.

    #1136560

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Then he certainly wasn’t for my great granddaughter. I guess we dodged a bullet.

    It just shows you the kind of boys who want pictures.

    #1136561

    cozimjewish
    Member

    DaasYochid, just skimmed through this thread – since when do you troll?! (Not that you’re half-bad, btw 😉 )

    #1136562

    ironpenguin
    Member

    You know how people say its a shidduch market? Markets work by supply and demand, and this is no different. Girls are in supply, boys are in demand. No one goes crazy over, “OMG, the chassan is so handsome!!, He’s a stunner! Wow, his suit is gorgeous!!, He has such a fantastic…..” No one does that, its just reality even though chassanim are an equal participant in the wedding. People want pretty girls, pretty is a commodity, just like money is. You ask what type of parnasah her parents have, makes sense you would ask for a picture also.

    #1136563

    ABS-SA
    Participant

    I think they should save some of the $400K for the divorce attorney!

    #1136564

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I should have listened to shtusim and oomis.

    #1136565

    mybrother
    Member

    In my opinion its the shaddchanim who are so busy “selling girls” that they dont hesitate to lie to your face just so you’ll accept the date and waste Hours of your time… yea.. its those people you should be upset at…

    #1136566

    “You trust me on her middos, surely you can trust me on her looks”.

    I don’t think so. Middos (not personality, middos) are

    an objective matter. The appeal of looks is subjective.

    #1136567

    oomis
    Participant

    Middos, oddly enough, can also be a little subjective. Here is an example. A guy is a strong leader, self-assured, runs a business with seichel and confidence (not arrogance). His leadership ability is admired. A WOMAN does the very same thing – she is a tough cookie.

    I have no love for Hillary Clinton. NONE. But from what I have heard on the news, what she did with her email account was also done by John Kerry (unless the reports really were grossly inaccurate), and there was no brouhaha over him. So I think that what is perceived as improper action (bad middah) by one, may not necessarily be viewed that way in someone else, who seems to get a pass.

    And yes, there are CERTAIN traits that are inarguably good or bad middos.

    #1136568

    Sigh…

    #1136569

    golfer
    Participant

    Not “CERTAIN” traits, oomis, only one–

    Me’od me’od hevei sh’fal ruach.

    Other than that, find the middle ground.

    But I digress. The subject was pictures. So I’m handing the floor back to you.

    #1136570

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    Daas Yochid can we please get back to our shuffleboard?

    #1136571

    (I think what I meant was that I was writing about relying on a description. Someone’s middos can be described, and you then know

    what their middos are (so far as the information was accurate),

    but a description of looks isn’t nearly, if at all, as helpful.)

    #1136572

    nfgo3
    Member

    Well, I think the opening post has given us a clue about the tuition crisis: a Rosh Yeshiva is a very wealthy person. Was it inherited money, or frugal living, or high compensation that made him wealthy?

    #1136573

    i don’t need a pic, and only charge $300k

    #1136574

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    How is it any different than a driver’s license picture? You need a license to drive, and a license has a picture. You need a resume to date and a resume has a picture.

    #1136575

    Joseph
    Participant

    You also need to give your social security number to get your drivers license.

    #1136576

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    How is it any different than a driver’s license picture?

    If they looked the same as driver’s license pictures, and everyone needed them, nobody would go out.

    You need a license to drive, and a license has a picture.

    A license has a picture so that when the cop pulls you over, he knows it’s really you.

    If you’re worried that you’ll end up going out with a different girl than described in the resume, I suppose you should ask for a picture.

    #1136577

    oomis
    Participant

    How is it any different than a driver’s license picture? You need a license to drive, and a license has a picture. You need a resume to date and a resume has a picture. “

    So Popa, now you want the GOVERNMENT involved in our shidduchim??????

    #1136578

    Joseph
    Participant

    oomis: you do need a government license to get married…

    #1136579

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Joseph, is there a picture on a marriage license?

    #1136580

    apushatayid
    Participant

    Do you need a government permit to date?

    We have told shadchanim a number of times already, “no, no photo, our Rav quoting Rav dovid Feinstien Shlita says it is a horrible idea, if the fact that we listen to our Rav is a problem for the other side, then this is not a shidduch we are interested in”.

    #1136581

    147
    Participant

    Go with the flow and supply a good photograph:- Remember:- A picture is worth 1000 words. It is this simple! Period!

    #1136582

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Just write a thousand word essay reflecting your many merits.

    #1136583

    apushatayid
    Participant

    A picture might be worth 1000 words, but if your teacher asked for a 1000 word essay and you turned in a picture you would get a zero.

    #1136584

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    If you really need a picture you can look at the girls WhatsApp status pic.

    #1484526

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    So there are now a whole bunch of WhatsApp shidduch groups and the like where resumes are sent out to hundreds of people all over the world. Besides wondering why someone would actually agree to do that with their daughter’s picture…I have no interest in sharing mine. I have worked with shadchanim who have said that it is perfectly acceptable to refuse but these groups were pretty insistent and said they won’t work with me.

    So here’s the question. I don’t care if they won’t work with me, Hashem isn’t limited to phones and internet. But what if someone sends me a random resume they got off the group that they think would be great for my kid? If they won’t redt the shidduch can I just take the name elsewhere? Do they have copyright or something?

    #1484558

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    IMHO refusing to give a picture is perfectly reasonable (and that’s an understatement). As long as you give the source of the resume the opportunity to redt the shidduch according to your terms, if they refuse, you can try to find someone else to redt it who will do it in a way you are comfortable with.

    #1484567

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    It depends. If you’ve already arranged to meet, and you’re meeting in a public space, a picture can help you find the person you’re supposed to meet.

    #1484674

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    No need to send a picture. Just wear your Rebyidd costume.

    #1484936

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    We have made 3 shidduchim without ever asking to see a photo of the girl. If asked for a photo of my daughter my response would be to ask for a photo of the boy.

    #1484972

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Having a picture of the boy on his resume is not unheard of either.

    #1485005

    TheWizard
    Participant

    umm, can anyone explain why having a picture of the boy on his resume is merely not unheard of but having a picture of the girl on her resume is somewhere between common and expected? why the discrepancy??

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