Inviting friends' spouse to wedding

Home Coffeeroom Simchas Inviting friends' spouse to wedding

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  • #605767

    rabbi_dr
    Member

    Both me and my bride-to-be are from the later of our friends to get married. While making our wedding list we both noticed that now that our friends are married the number of invitations almost doubled!!!

    What are your thoughts on inviting just your friend without their spouse? we all know that nobody really wants to go to their wife’s/husband’s friend’s wedding anyway?

  • #919105

    I was in a similar situation and invited my friends’ spouses in the knowledge that, since my wedding was not in the same country as any of them lived, only my friends would come… However, I did write notes on the invitations thanking the spouses for letting my friends come.

  • #919106

    farrocks
    Member

    Don’t invite the spouses.

    Don’t fret about it.

  • #919107

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Totally fine.

    The way I do it is like this: I invite two couples on one invitation, and tell them they have 2 seats among the 4 of them and that they can work it out however they choose. They get the point.

  • #919108

    MorahRach
    Member

    I think it is proper etiquette to invite the spouses but I agree with your last statement. I was one of the first of my friends to be married, but my friends who are getting married now have the same complaints! I sympathize with you! I think it might be more reasonable if you invite only your friends but I think your wife needs to invite both. Hatzlacha and Bshaa Tova on your chasana!

  • #919109

    dhl144
    Member

    that would be strange to just write one of the people on the invitation w/o the spouse in my opnion.

  • #919110

    ishto kegufo. boy do you have a lot to learn.

  • #919111

    Whiteberry
    Member

    If I was the spouse of your friend, you would be doing me a great favor by not inviting me.

  • #919112

    RABBAIM
    Member

    Invite both but on he return card make a place to check off “Chuppah” Seuda” “Simchas Chosson Vkallah” and do it twice, once for each person. The spouse will be happy to sign on for less than the friend

  • #919113

    rabbi_dr
    Member

    so if it’s ishto kegufo i would only need to set one seat for both (assuming the hall let mixed seating)

  • #919114

    GeshmakMan
    Member

    Wow, I would think it’s unheard of to only invite one “part” of a couple!

    On the flip side, MOST married couples are makpid to give a gift b/c they don’t have the built in excuse/understanding of being single and not being able to afford it, etc.

    Then again if only my wife got invited to her friend’s wedding and they ignored me, I’d be very happy! I would also think the couple is rude as anything but i’d be very happy to stay home 🙂

    Ha – Hatzlacha and Mazal Tov!!

  • #919115

    HaKatan
    Participant

    Etiquette is nice, but the Torah is chas on the mamon of Klal Yisrael. However, if your friends are within their own respective shanim rishona, I would think one should ask one’s LOR about splitting up these couples for the evening and that might be a reason to invite the both members of the couple.

  • #919116

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    Most of the spouses won’t come even if invited if they don’t know you or any of the other guests.

  • #919117

    farrocks
    Member

    Don’t the guests who come (with or without their spouse) give a gift that at least covers the cost for their meal at the wedding?

  • #919118

    basmelech
    Participant

    It is proper to invite the spouses, but, I know that in my case if my husband doesn’t know the other party, he wouldn’t go to the wedding anyway and the same goes for me.

  • #919119

    dhl144
    Member

    I am not understanding what does the whole gift giving thing have to do with a chattan or kallah inviting their friends w/ or w/o spouces? I don’t thing it had anything to do with the gifts unlesss some1 could tell me im mistaken, and y?

  • #919120

    uneeq
    Member

    How do the invitations double if you invite MR and MRS on one invitation? Actually, you may even save some invitations if some of your friends married some of your fiancee’s friends.

  • #919121

    rabbi_dr
    Member

    Just as a follow up, we both ended up inviting the spouses and all but 3 or 4 declined. So we ended up being menchlich and it worked out.

  • #919122

    yeshivish7
    Member

    i was in a different situation i had to invite my sons therapist to do an evaluation did i also had to invite her husband? i did not think so but i am starting to doubt it

  • #919123

    Since when do therapists get invited to or come to family simchas? (Assuming the relationship is only as a therapist.) Unless you mean she was invited to do an evaluation on your son at the wedding. In which case why on earth would you think you need to invite the therapists spouse?

  • #919124

    What the world?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? That has nothing to do with a wedding.

  • #919125

    commonsense
    Member

    snow, it was meant to be funny, ha ha NOT.

  • #919126

    oomis
    Member

    PLEASE do not listen to bad and/or rude advice. The spouse of your friend is ALSO your friend and should be invited. Only exception might be the spouse of a co-worker,if you are not personally acquainted with that spouse. In that case, the spouse would probably not attend, anyway. But you asked about FRIENDS. It is not their fault that you married after they did.

  • #919127

    k, got it…

  • #919128

    rebdoniel
    Member

    If you’re Hareidi and have separate seating at weddings, why bother inviting the friend’s spouse? It’s not like they’d be able to enjoy a night out together. If you have separate seating, than I don’t see why you’d need to invite a spouse.

  • #919129

    147
    Participant

    rebdoniel hit the nail exactly on the head and straight to the point, just as s/he does in just about all of his/her postings to this coffee room.

    It is clear as daylight, that his entire etiquette of not inviting a married or engaged person to a social function with his/her souse/fiance[e] stems entirely from the culture of mixed seating, where it is entirely unheard of, not to seat a married/engaged person next to his/her spouse/fiance[e]. In fact it can be considered so embarrassing for a married man to attend a function without his wife, that there are Halachic rulings allowing an “Isho Aveiles” in mourning to attend a Simcha as part of her marriage obligations to her husband.

    Clearly this social etiquette’s reasoning is absolutely obsolete in separate seating functions, and more often than not, the spouse who doesn’t know the other party is so bored and feels so out of place in such scenarios.

  • #919130

    oomis
    Member

    Although the separate seating issue DOES lend itself to not needing the spouse at the wedding, nontheless, the spouse SHOULD be invited, and will most likely decline anyway, for the reason of not knowing anyone there except his/her spouse. OR, the couple can elect to attend a smorg and chuppah only. There is nothing obsolete in being socially considerate.

  • #919131

    rebdoniel
    Member

    147,

    Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to me. My approach is generally to be forward and tell things like it is.

    I am not afraid to express myself, since I don’t tow the party line for any group. I am proudly frum and grounded in my worldview, but learn from seforim and rabbonim of all atripes and feel at home among many different kinds of yidden. My mentors/teachers include YU-trained Jewish Studies Professor-Rabbis, Litvish roshei yeshiva, the Richmonder Rebbe, the Tyrnava Rav, and Sephardic hakhamim, all of whom I love and have learned a great deal from.

  • #919132

    147
    Participant

    You are welcome rebdoniel.

  • #919133

    N.G
    Member

    It looks strange but the spouse would be happy he/she didn’t get invited.

  • #919134

    N.G
    Member

    The spouse could get insulted .If you Know the spouse would get insulted invite him/her.

  • #919135

    yeshivish7
    Member

    if you know the spouse would get insulted send him/her to a doctor

  • #919136

    N.G
    Member

    lol

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