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the torah says to love your fellow jew like your love yourself but to what extent? do you need to be friendly or be best friends with every jew of your gender? what if they want or need more than you can give(emotional presence in a friendship) ? halachically are you obligated to give up your own comfort for them?
Loving them as yourself means you also have to care about yourself. If a relationship is destroying you, you have to protect yourself. And no, you don’t have to be best friends with everyone. That would be impossible.
the torah says to love your fellow jew like your love yourself but to what extent?
A- It’s a machlokes among rishonim if you are obligated (/able) to love another person like yourself. Almost all agree though that you have to care for them and their possessions and not hurting them. There is also a “mitzva kiyumis” – active mitzvah which one can perform (not required) of helping them achieve what they want, giving them what they need, etc.. If you see a Jew running for the bus, if you hope they reach it is a kiyum of this mitzvah.
do you need to be friendly or be best friends with every jew of your gender?
A- The mitzvah is not gender specific.
halachically are you obligated to give up your own comfort for them?
No. But the gemara says by this concept that if you say “it’s too uncomfortable” too often, hashem will make sure that you get bitten back. (“Sofo lavo lida kach”).
I have heard from prominent poskim that by doing chesed, if one has kavana to do a mitzvah – he accomplishes nothing with his actions. The mitzvah is to love a jew, so the kavana must be to love the jew. By laleches bidrachav, the kavana must be to be like hashem. So before you do a chesed, make sure to have the right kavanos!
Just treat people with decency and respect.
It’s important to define terms. What does “love” mean?
There are different kinds of love we experience. There’s love for children, parents, other relatives, close friends, etc. Which type of love are we obligated to feel towards another Jew not in one of the aforementioned categories?
Rabbi Dessler, zt”l, in “Michtav m’Eliyaju” writes that the best way to to come to love another Jew is to help them. By investing one’s self in the advancement and development of another, one comes to love the recipient of those efforts. In a much smaller scale, he suggests that this is a component of the parent-child bond.
Why?
Raf: That’s an important Machlokes Achronim. A minority opinion holds that you aren’t Yotzei Bein Adam L’chaveiros unless you have Kavanah for the Mitzvah. An even smaller minority holds that you aren’t Yotzei if you do have Kavanah.
Love comes from seeing the positive or yourself in another. Sometimes I find it very useful to imagine aanother jew I have trouble loving as if he is my brother or father. This immediately changes the way I think about him allowing me to judge much more favorably and if the imagery is sustained, even love like a brother. Giving is usually a result of that perspective not a cause. In fact ahavah, love and achvah, brotherlinness probably have more etymological connection than the Aramaic hav, to give, as Rabbi Dessler suggests. However there may be an indirect connection through ta’ava desire and avah, longing, passion, or avah with a Beth meaning will. This may become a willingness to give or give in. Abba, father may also be connected to love. (Some of these ideas come from ‘the origin of speeches’ by Isaac Mozeson.)
rashi in shabbos says that when the gemoroh says ma dsane loch lechaveroch lo savid means veohavto lreiacho komoicho, [what you dont like for yourself dont do to your friend]
the ramban in chumash and the maharsho in the gemoro say that if one loves some one else as themselves they wouldn’t be complied to keep the law of chayecho kodmin so the ramban says it means as “raf” said
as far as gender there is a chiyuv to every one every gender no difference at all we are all yidden, addarabe the chiyuv of one to love his spouse is based according to most shitois on this chiyuv with additions drabbonon
OP – Do you have any specific situation in mind?
do you need to be friendly or be best friends with every jew of your gender?
In a way, yes. But it applies only to those who are shomer Torah u’mitzvos.
It’s impossible to be best friends with everyone. Even just saying hello to everyone would take all day.
When you daven, you can have in mind that H’ should bless all Jews with health, parnassa, peace, etc.
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