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Marriage

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  1. rtabs
    Member

    How can I get my wife to dress more attractive ?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  2. Naysberg
    Joseph

    She should ONLY dress more attractive when in private at home. It is improper tznius to do so on the street or in public or when with someone other than her husband.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  3. more_2
    Member

    More attractive or more prorogatively? Big difference.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  4. oomis
    Best Bubby EVER

    I am assuming you are not looking for her to be attractive to other men. BUY her something you find attractive, to wear just for you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if you don't like what she is wearing, go shopping with her (yes I know how much men love to shop with their wives), and show her things that you would like for her to try on, and then be enthusiastic about the purchases.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  5. aurora77
    loves cats

    Hello rtabs,

    When I saw your thread named "marriage," I was not expecting the post you opened with. You surprised me!

    Posted 1 year ago #
  6. mewho
    Member

    go shopping with her and prepare to spend

    Posted 1 year ago #
  7. MorahRach
    Member

    More2 did you mean, provocatively?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  8. The Goq™
    Founder, President, Vice President and CEO of the CR Welcome Wagon!

    "prorogatively"

    what does this word mean in your world more_2?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  9. aurora77
    loves cats

    I've been thinking...the question in the original post would be a great one to ask the Coffee Room's resident advice columnist, Popa bar Abby :-)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  10. Are you suggesting that your marriage is (to some degree) conditional on appearance? How you would answer this would make a world of difference in how to respond appropriately to your opening question.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  11. Mammele
    Member

    This question seemed like a typical troll/bored teenager question so I clicked on the OPs profile and my hunch was probably correct - rtabs is a brand new member. What gave me a good laugh though was when I read under Topics Started "Marriage Started: 6 hours ago". Too funny.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  12. popa_bar_abba
    Incorrigible; eccentric; somewhere between mean and average; sometimes only a bit over the top; arbitrarily engaged in cynicism.

    Are you suggesting that your marriage is (to some degree) conditional on appearance? How you would answer this would make a world of difference in how to respond appropriately to your opening question.

    Are there really people in the world who would answer that question in the negative? They should see a shrink.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  13. anon1m0us
    Member

    You should definitely purchase the latest burqa. It's the latest fashion craze and I heard that they are being sold out all over. So if you are serious about this topic, I would suggest you quickly go to the frum stores and ask them to show you their latest fashion of burqas. Your wife will love you for it and you will accomplish your goal.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  14. rtabs
    Member

    mamele I'm married for a few years

    Posted 1 year ago #
  15. Bochashem
    Member

    remember its important to look attractive to you.. but not attracting to others!

    Posted 1 year ago #
  16. popa_bar_abba
    Incorrigible; eccentric; somewhere between mean and average; sometimes only a bit over the top; arbitrarily engaged in cynicism.

    remember its important to look attractive to you.. but not attracting to others!

    I don't even know if I'll agree to that. Maybe it embarrasses me that other people think she is a slob.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  17. Naysberg
    Joseph

    He is definitly correct that she should not be "attracting to others" (as he put it.)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  18. MorahRach
    Member

    I'm with popa.

    For everyone jumping on the OP, there is a difference between showing off your features and trying I attract men, and just looking put together and attractive. Take a look in the clothing stores In Brooklyn and Queens, clothing is beautiful ( overpriced) but beautiful. There is no reason to dress slobbish, we should be attractive for our spouses.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  19. Yiddishe Kup
    Member

    Sometimes women don't care about how they look because they don't feel good about themselves. If this is a problem, then show her more appreciation and give compliments as often as possible. In short, treat her well. Don't know if this is the issue, but it's a reason for some people who don't take efforts with how they dress.

    In addition, your wanting for her to dress better should be because you care about her too. If you just show that you want her to look good for your image or only for your enjoyment, then forget it.

    (Just suggesting possibilities, not saying it definitely applies.)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  20. popa_bar_abba
    Incorrigible; eccentric; somewhere between mean and average; sometimes only a bit over the top; arbitrarily engaged in cynicism.

    Also, maybe start pointing out who in shul is dressed nicely (just kidding, unless you want to be sleeping on the back porch tonight)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  21. momX4
    Member

    rtabs can be my husband. He knows I love the coffee room. It’s the best/funniest reading material out there on-line. If you are in fact my husband the following is for you. They say “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. Your version of attractive is unfortunately me dressing like a rebellious teenage girl (at best). Grow up please. FYI- when we go out as a couple, don’t you notice I put a lot of effort in my appearance? The problem is we don’t do it often enough and “dressing up with nowhere to go” is no fun. The following is for you as well.

    If you are not my husband, then what does attractive mean to you and to your wife. You might have different definitions. Take her out on a date- give her reasons to dress up…..and make wardrobe suggestions. I’m sure she owns shoes/top/skirt/sheitel that you find attractive. Ask her if she can wear it. When she’s all dressed give her a real compliment on something you like – even if it’s just the perfume. Don’t just say you look good. After a while of building her up, you can suggest that you are bored of her wardrobe and ask if maybe you can go shopping together. Be prepared to spend. Only purchase items that you both like. Don’t overkill, buy one or two outfits. Go shopping with her for clothing for yourself, even if you are a great dresser and have everything. Don’t be stingy either. If she likes a belt for you… buy it. Otherwise how do you expect her to change?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  22. cantgetit
    Joseph

    FYI- when we go out as a couple, don’t you notice I put a lot of effort in my appearance? The problem is we don’t do it often enough and “dressing up with nowhere to go” is no fun.

    This horrible attitude is exactly the problem. You should exactly be dressing up when at home alone with only him and NOT when going out in public.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  23. rtabs
    Member

    momx4 I don't know if u are my wife, but u definitely sound like her.
    tnx everyone for they're tips, keep em coming.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  24. momX4
    Member

    cantgetit-

    Unfortunately my husband’s version of attractive is not something I can live up to. I do dress more to my husband’s taste than mine (I like classy, he thinks I am a teenager). I don’t wear “black” (usually) and stick out a bit in my neighborhood. I do have young kids also and I cannot dress up every day (ever tried giving baths in a sheitel and heels). I have tried setting up “dates @home” after kids are sleeping. It doesn’t work out because I can never fulfill my husband’s version of attractive, even in private. He sometimes falls asleep while waiting for me to get ready, which is very hard on me. When we go out of the house, the date is much earlier because it is dinner. I try; I know I can always improve.

    It is a sore point in my marriage, but we do know and appreciate how perfect we are for each other in many different ways.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  25. more_2
    Member

    Morah rach that's an obvious yes.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  26. The content of this thread is becoming irritating. It sounds like the equating of "attractive" with "provocative". The former is acceptable, though not the ideal goal, as we are told explicitly "שקר החן והבל היופי". The latter is plainly assur, and constitutes a violation of creating challenges of hirhurim. It is as assur for men to be triggered as it is for women to be the cause of such triggers.

    Couples should spend enjoyable time together, and it does not need to involve the glorifying of taavos. There are forms of enjoyment that couples should have which are not meant for publicity, neither in the actual involvement nor in the public discussion of them.

    My suggestion is this thread either be closed, or the comments limited to the aspects of this subject that are appropriate for exposure and public discussion.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  27. more_2
    Member

    Why are u guys discussing it here.... Sit down and discuss it as a couple...
    Why hang your dirty laundry in public wash it.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  28. The Goq™
    Founder, President, Vice President and CEO of the CR Welcome Wagon!

    Mods can we close this troll thread?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  29. Toi
    beware the cleats

    I really dont like this thread.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  30. I don't like this thread either. But the maybe-his-wife and maybe-her-husband talk above was good for a nice laugh here. :)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  31. rtabs
    Member

    If someone dont like it, dont read it. if you want to help and or discuss then kudos. Ignoring or throwing under the rug does not help.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  32. Luna Lovegood
    Quibbling In the CR

    rtabs - Buy you wife some nice jewelry or perfume and try to subtly hint to her that you want her to dress better or in a different way but at the same time respect her wishes to dress a certain way as that is how many women (myself included) express themselves.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  33. shinina
    Member

    popa theres a HUGE difference between not being a slob and attracting other men.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  34. phdmom
    Member

    Just like with parenting children, when they do something right- praise them to the hills. they hear what makes you happy and want to please you. positive reinforcement really does work. so give your wife opportunities to dress up and tell her how much you enjoy that. dont tell her what you dont like, - criticizing is hurtful and ineffective, but letting her know what you like in a positive way is much more likely to get you what you want. every time she does something that you like, let her know very loudly. of course, that's assuming that she ever does dress the way you want. if not, then you might want to suggest going on a shopping trip together. be very careful with her feelings- if a woman hears that her husband does not find her attractive- whoa, you dont want to go there. if there's something particular that you would like, find the right moment, perhaps an intimate moment, when she is feeling good about herself, and start the conversation by telling her how much you appreciate her- and give specifics, and tell her something like that you dont want to be old fogeys, and remember when we were young etc. ask her if there's anything you can do to make her happy. she might just tell you to take the garbage out. hopefully, the conversation will come around to reciprocating. you can think about it a second and say, you know what i would love, if you would try x for me. and if it's something that might not be tznius, tell her to buy it just for you, at home.
    and to the womenfolk, myself included, i say, yes of course, we should be dressing up for our husbands at home. what does that say, if we dress up to go out of the house, but not for our husband? dressing up does not mean heels and hose, but at least something- look in the mirror around the time that your dh comes home, and do something extra, put on some lipstick for him. in this scary world out there, with lots of opportunities for acting on our taayvos, the women have the power to protect our marriage.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  35. 2scents
    Mint and Raspberry

    phdmom,

    Your last sentence is very true.

    "the women have the power to protect our marriage."

    Posted 1 year ago #
  36. shmoel
    Joseph

    momX4: If your husband wants you to dress like that only at home in private, then he is correct and you should. If he wants you to dress like that publicly, then you are correct and you shouldn't.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  37. WolfishMusings
    The Wolf

    Whenever my wife and I go out on a date, I make sure she wears the most hideous clothing she has, so that she shouldn't appear attractive at all.

    Oh, wait... no, I don't do that...

    The Wolf (who is waiting for someone to come along and say that married people have no business dating).

    Posted 1 year ago #
  38. Toi
    beware the cleats

    will it help if i throw you under a bus?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  39. yitzchokm
    Member

    i smell troll.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  40. Toi
    beware the cleats

    argh. i hit you with club stick.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  41. rtabs
    Member

    what's wrong if she dresses for her husband outside ? if that will protect their marriage as phdmom wrote in the last sentence...

    Posted 1 year ago #
  42. 2scents
    Mint and Raspberry

    Rtabs,

    Dressing outside is to much to ask, since its against Halacha and its more for the husbands ego.

    After all, she is not you trophy.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  43. DaasYochid
    a singular mind

    If someone dont like it dont read it
    If someone dont like the comment disliking the thread dont read it (same to me, ad infinitum).

    Posted 1 year ago #
  44. Nechomah
    Member

    Really rtabs, do you want other men looking at your wife who is "dressed to kill"? She can be machshil other men. How do you want them to view her? or view you? Why do you need her to dress so attractively outside? If she dressed that way inside, can't you use your imagination to think about how she looks when you're at home alone even when you're out in public? Do you want to share her good looks with other men?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  45. haifagirl
    Chief of Grammar Enforcement Commandos

    You wife can't dress "more attractive." Nor can she dress "less attractive."

    What you want is for her to dress more attractively.

    "Dress" in this case is a verb and must be modified by an adverb, not an adjective.

    The CR makes my BP rise.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  46. phdmom
    Member

    rtabs, i hope you mean dress up appropriately outside? while it is definitely a good idea for a couple to get dressed and go out together, she should never compromise her tznius by dressing up inappropriately outside of the house, because that means that the motivations on both their parts are not for the marriage itself. she can dress however she or he likes within the confines of their home, and she should definitely take more care in her general appearance for him at home.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  47. DaasYochid
    a singular mind

    The CR makes my BP rise.

    Are other internet chat rooms and blogs better?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  48. haifagirl
    Chief of Grammar Enforcement Commandos

    Are other internet chat rooms and blogs better?

    Facebook is not perfect, but it's better. The only other place I frequent is a Mensa site, and it's far, far better.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  49. Toi
    beware the cleats

    It's ok, you can stay there and not bother us about grammer. We don't really care.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  50. MorahRach
    Member

    Why do people assume the OP wants his wife to compromise her Tsnius? Argggg! That's not what he said. I see perfectly Tsnius women everyday on the streets who still look beautiful. It gives me motivation since having my child I have been a wee bit lazy, but I'm trying!

    Posted 1 year ago #

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