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YWN Coffee Room » Shidduchim

More shidduch advice

(29 posts)
  • Started 2 years ago by Stamford Hilly Billy
  • Latest reply from Wisey

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  1. I went out with a nice girl for the first time last night. We talked about general stuff such has work, vacations, hobbies e.t.c . The questions is what should we be talking about on the second date? Is it time for the heavier stuff, such as kids, life goals, deeper hashgafa, how you want your home to be?

    Is this correct or should we be talking about something else on the second date? Also where is good to go for a nice second date, should we just continue with hotel lobbies, or move to something like bowling? Or do any of you have any other sensible suggestions?

    Just because you are bound to ask, I would describe myself has the bit more modern/yu type.

    All advise is much appreciated. Plus feel free to post suggestions of how to develop it after the 2nd date, in terms of where to go and what to speak about. Has you can tell I am not the most experinced in shidduchim despite being very much an alter bochur (29).

    Posted 2 years ago #
  2. Also any advice on how to deal with those akward silent moments, when you change conversation topic. I'm sure you all know what I mean

    Posted 2 years ago #
  3. BTGuy
    Member

    Hi Stamford Hilly Billy.

    I can only guess that the conversation will have a flow of it's own, but others may suggest more of a structure on how to handle this.

    The main reason I am posting is to say hatzlacha. This is very exciting!!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  4. popa_bar_abba
    Incorrigible; eccentric; somewhere between mean and average; sometimes only a bit over the top; arbitrarily engaged in cynicism.

    If you are mainstream YU, you will not be talking very much about life goals on a second date. Talk about the same stuff as the first date.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  5. soliek
    Member

    If you are mainstream YU talk kefira :)

    nah im kidding...a lot of my friends are YU guys who are also black...

    Posted 2 years ago #
  6. more_2
    Member

    Are you guys engaged yet?

    Posted 2 years ago #
  7. MorahRach
    Member

    What kind of girl is she? I would say YU type does not go straight to hashgafa and life goals etc on the second date. Unless you plan to date for a few short weeks before getting engaged? Ask her about her job/school background. What she likes to do in the summers, camps etc.
    Sometimes it can be very awkward, that is just a part of dating sometimes. Not always. But think about it you are sitting with someone you pretty much dont know from a hole in the wall, and expected to shmooze for 2 hours. It can be awkward!

    B'hatzlacha!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  8. i love coffe
    Member

    Guys I need help! Sorry Stamford Hilly Billy, I don't mean to take over your thread but im in the same "mess". What do you talk about on dates without sounding wierd? Im on my 5th date now with the same guy and all he talks about is Torah. (He is yeshivish black-hat).I like him, otherwise I wouldn't be on my 5th date, but I feel like I don't know him well enough yet. What kind of questions could I ask a Yeshivah guy? I feel like all yeshivah guys are the same with the same goals. (Sorry, I don't mean to be stereotypical, I have very little experience).

    Posted 2 years ago #
  9. Think first
    Member

    I love coffe- ask him what he likes doing on chol hamoed, in the summer, bein hasdarim,

    Does he like music?
    Excersizing?
    Smoozing with friends?
    Camp?

    You will not sound wierd if you talk about something other than torah, he's not expecting you to be like him, ur not a yeshiva bochur. Its ok and great to tell him about ur experiences in school and camp and whatever. You should be yourself and not turn into the person you're dating. Remember even after you get married you are still you, so don't hide it now. Good luck.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  10. Think first
    Member

    Stamford- second date you should still be just shmoozing and not getting too deep. Remember you just met this person, ur just trying to see if you enjoy eachothers company. As for a dating place, really anything that you feel comfortable going to is fine, dates don't think as much into the "place" they think into the "person".

    Hatzlacha!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  11. Nechomah
    Member

    How about some questions about how he spends his time bein hazmanim, where did his family go during family vacations when he was growing up, anything to get him thinking outside the box of yeshiva. Some boys have a hard time remembering that the girl is not his chavrusa and that he's not in yeshiva. It's good that you like him, now you just have to see what you have in common. You'd be surprised but not all black hat boys have the same goals and they're definitely not all the same.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  12. shuli
    Member

    black hat guys arent all the same?! huh?

    Posted 2 years ago #
  13. more_2
    Member

    They most definitely are all the same color;) size, style can differentiate though...

    Posted 2 years ago #
  14. i love coffe
    Member

    Thanks think first and Nechamah. Those questions really became great conversation starters.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  15. i love coffe
    Member

    lol shuli,

    and hatzlacha raba Stamford.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  16. oomis
    Best Bubby EVER

    2nd date? Still shmoozing. Save the heavy stuff for when you see the dating going toward a definite potential goal. Hashkafa CAN be discussed in lighter ways, btw. You're not proposing on a second date, so don't get into such nitty-gritty stuff before there is a real possibility that there will be a third and fourth date and beyond. Just enjoy getting to know each other. When there is a silence and you feel comfortable with it - MARRY THE GIRL! Otherwise, find something interesting to ask her about, like who she thinks would make a good President for the next four years.Then ask her to defend her position (just kidding).

    Posted 2 years ago #
  17. yossi z.
    :D yossi :D

    Oomis: as much as you joke, the type of girl I would date, that question probably would come up from either one of us just for kicks to have fun with projecting.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  18. Logician
    Member

    I personally don't understand this big differentiation between light and serious dates. I find talking fluff a waste of time for obvious reasons, and heavy conversation a waste of time because you more or less know what they’ll say - that’s why you’re dating them (unless you don’t do good info before - then you’re REALLY wasting your time). Everyone has a good story to sell, the question is if they’re the real version of whatever they’re claiming to be. And yet you need the fluff to get to know and get comfortable with each other, and you need some answers to whatever it is you want to know. So....
    I think you talk light, but not fluff. You have light conversation about neutral topics in each others lives, getting to know each other. You then intersperse this with meaningful discussion. You say: “Interesting story. What type of person do you think does that ? Do you think its the right thing to do ?” etc...
    This way you don’t spend a few dates just shmoozing ‘bout nothing and then when you decide you like them you actually start figuring out if they’re for you. And if done correctly, you shouldn’t have much need for heavy dates at all, you can get a very good (and more accurate, if you’re good at reading people) idea what they’re all about without it, (unless you have an important goal/hashkafa/whatever that you want to share that’s unusual for someone of your type).

    I am working with the assumption that for marriage you have to be on the same page, not agree detail by detail about hashkafos etc - but that’s another story....

    Posted 2 years ago #
  19. 147
    -105

    As the Days get longer & warmer, Battery Park City is an excellent venue. Can sit near the Harbor, and watch life sail & pass by, without being charged for physically being there.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  20. yossi z.
    :D yossi :D

    Logician: I like the way you think (very logical), but sometimes you gotta recognize that logic may not be everything.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  21. Logician
    Member

    Worked for me, works for many people I advise. Obviously you don't follow what I wrote exactly, and I tailor my advice for the individual I'm helping.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  22. americaisover
    Inactive

    do something fun

    Posted 2 years ago #
  23. hockoftherock
    Blocked

    americaisover-noooo do something boring

    Posted 2 years ago #
  24. nanny
    Member

    this might sound weird but if you should "research" completly random, but interesting facts and just bring one up as soon as you get into that type of situation. That who-knows-how-random fact might just lead to a discussion--who knew!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  25. epis
    Blocked

    this a completly an inappropriate question to be asking on the ywncr. this is a question for ur rebbi or parents.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  26. sm29
    Member

    on my dates, we just let the conversation flow. Talk about interests like music etc. Or things going on in our life at the moment. Try to learn some things about each other's family. It's mainly a time to learn and become familar with each other, our values, interests, general goals. The heavier stuff comes up when you are both ready and feel that you are both leading somewhere

    Posted 2 years ago #
  27. yoyo56
    Look at me!

    i would say the first 2-3 dates is just survival getting to know the other person just like u meet someone new..nothing deep see if u enjoy eachothers company and stuff like that! after you can talk abt other stuff once it gets more intense.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  28. Basya
    Member

    One of the posters asked if your engaged yet... I think its only right of you to cme back and tell us...

    Posted 2 years ago #
  29. Wisey
    inventor of banana mush

    I saw a piece of advice on another thread that seems very true. "Akward silent moments are more common in places where you aren't doing anything like sitting in a hotel lobby as apposed to visiting the zoo."

    Posted 1 year ago #

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