http://www.madisontitle.com/tempdoc/KinusBrochure.zip
The brochure includes:
Challenges of our times, chochmo bagoyim tamin, solutions etc.
I think the content of this extensive booklet will be VERY agreeable to all.
This was what the Asifa was supposed to be about.
What went wrong is not important.
This is very helpful. But it must be said, the Asifa was absolutely wonderful and as close to perfection as possible.
I heard a decision was made not to distribute said booklet because R' Matisyahu Shlita had an issue with something contained within, why are you distributing it?
APY:
Don't trust everything you heard becaseu it's not true.
I'll take my chances after 120 with people who see this booklet.
If you care about someone you'll send them the link.
It's a wonderful piece of work.
AZ, why wasn't this distributed then??
The booklet doesn't mention anything about a filter for a windows phone. Does anyone know of one?
RE: filter for a windows phone
Call TAG (Technology Awareness Group). They will assist you.
718 437 1TAG
718 437 1824
What you ignored is, why you felt it appropriate to distribute something, the organizers deliberately chose not to.
As an aside, how do you think they would feel about its distribution online?
@AZ "I think the content of this extensive booklet will be VERY agreeable to all." you have to be kidding me my faith has been renewed in Rav Mattisyahu Solomon assuming he was the one who rejected this the beginning about filters is fine but the rest is anti-internet propaganda it is not helpful at all and would be a very big chillul hashem it does not appear to me that you read the whole pamphlet - this would have turned off a lot of people from looking at solutions.
The Asifa is definitely the most talked about thing as of late of ywn. It is so silly to me that everyone is still on here, talking about the issur of Internet and arguing with each other. Do people realize how foolish it seems to others? I have made no such commitment but, come on folks.
APY:
I received permission from the organizers to distribute it.
@MorahRach this is one of the most important issues of our generation and you think that it is foolish that people are discussing it? You can keep your condescension.
AZ:
What was the reason it was decided not to distribute this booklet and to cancel the planned exhibition at 5:00? Who made that decision and what was their concern that caused them to not want it?
And what other things about the Asifa bothered you?
I'm getting rid of my internet but I need a few weeks to download everything I'll need, like books and software to use instead. For example, I ordered encyclopedias to use for research and instead of dictionary.com. Any other ideas are welcome.
msseeker:
I totally agree with your choice. There is no reason for a Chassidishe Lady to be on the internet. In most cases, I would suggest that you use the internet at your local library. In your case though, you are doing the right thing by preparing.
Hatzlacha!
Did I say the Asifa was foolish???????? Did I at all????? I said people seem foolish for constantly starting new threads, online...about the Asifa. Get off the Internet then!!!!!! It makes Zero sense to me. Ywn is not for your Parnassa, you are on hear to give mussar about how dire it is to get rid of Internet. That is foolish if you are going to spend the better part of your day writing about it.. Online.
What was the reason it was decided not to distribute this booklet and to cancel the planned exhibition at 5:00? Who made that decision and what was their concern that caused them to not want it?
There are groups who are opposed to the interent altogether , they were against the Expo and the booklets. In order to accomodate these groups they agreed to their demands
Av Haben:
I am convinced you are trolling so i won't respond but zahavasdad got the gist of it.
The gave away their original motto "you can't live with it, you can't live without it".
They gave away having women attend,
They gave away the expo
They gave away distribution of the booklet
They gave away the message of using technology responsibly al pi torah.
It became DO NOT USE TECHNOLOGY
Thus the actual event wasn't broadcast on the internet (wouldn't that have been a responsible way to use technology??)
B"H for now hopefully with the asifa behind us and forgotten.
Each kehilla will move forward and for the most part disregard what was said at the asifa, and guide their kehilla as they see fit.
GAW, oh yes, there's good reason for me. It's really convenient for my work, but not absolutely essential. It'll be pretty hard, but I feel the sacrifice is worth it.
Unfortunately, in the eyes of some they also gave away their credibility.
msseeker:
B'derech Klal, Chassidish ladies work as parents, which is the best thing that a mother can do, and the husbands work.
If you are a "Yotze min Haklal", and your Rebba said that you should work, then you should speak to him regarding internet as well. As far as you know, he may have good resons why you SHOULD have internet.
As we always say here, ask your LOR.
Here is a text version of the introduction to the brochure which was supposed to have been distributed at the asifa. I will try topost more of it as I am able to format it.
It is no coincidence that Klal Yisrael has gathered as one to unite in facing the challenges of modern technology at precisely this moment. We stand in the final days before our annual renewal of Kabbalas HaTorah. Our unanimous declaration of “נעשה ונשמע!” over 3,300 years ago was our defining moment as a nation. Yet Chazal (Shabbos 88a) point out that generations later, Klal Yisrael was moved to reaffirm their dedication to Hashem and His Torah.
Throughout our generations of wandering since we entered this long and bitter golus, our nation has been faced with many trials. Only by standing together and remaining firmly entrenched in the faith of our fathers have we persevered. Yet today we find ourselves threatened by a test of frightening magnitude, one that has already done untold harm to our people. It is an unseen adversary that jeopardizes our very existence.
Once again we are standing at a crossroads, a defining moment in the history of our nation. Our Gedolim have risen to the challenge and called upon us, the rank and file of Klal Yisrael, to join them in taking up the fight. And on a personal level, this is a defining moment in the lives of each one of us. By joining the asifa we are reaffirming our dedication to the principles of the Torah, and we are renewing our proud rallying call of “!נעשה ונשמע” We are showing the world yet again that through our dedication we are truly worthy of being the nation of Hashem and the bearers of his Torah.
In the words of the Navi*: כִּי הִנֵּה הַחֹשֶׁךְ יְכַסֶּה אֶרֶץ וַעֲרָפֶל לְאֻמִּים, וְעָלַיִךְ יִזְרַח ה' וּכְבוֹדוֹ עָלַיִךְ יֵרָאֶה — The darkness will cover the land and gloom over the nations, but on you will Hashem shine and His honor will we visible upon you.” We are at a time when the world is covered with darkness, when it eagerly embraces a harmful and destructive path. Yet Klal Yisrael is prepared to stand apart, to buck the trend and fight the current. For this, the Navi promises us, we will earn that our paths be illuminated by the light of Hashem and we will merit that His glory will rest upon us.
To place this evening in its proper perspective, the following critical points must be underscored:
Internet Solutions
It must be made clear before we introduce the various solutions that will be offered for the internet, such as filters and blocks, that these are not true “solutions.” They do not solve the internet problem. The only real “solution” is to ban all access to the internet. And that, in fact, is what each of us who can do so must do.
A yeshiva bachur, kollel fellow or a melamed Torah, all of whom are not required to have internet for their job, should not own or come in contact with any devices capable of accessing the internet — with or without filters. There is no excuse for using the internet where it is not absolutely necessary. Internet access must be viewed as a “b’dieved,” an absolute last resort where there is no other possible means. The only reason we discuss filters and other solutions altogether is to accommodate business people and the like who are forced by their situation to use the internet. For them, there are various possibilities that will be discussed in detail to minimize the risks associated with going online. Anyone who need not expose himself to a dangerous and highly contagious disease is forbidden by the Torah to do so, even if he takes all possible precautions.
There is no excuse for using the internet where it is not absolutely necessary.
Internet access must be viewed as a “b’dieved,” an absolute last resort where there is no other possible means. The only reason we discuss filters and other solutions altogether is to accommodate businesspeople and the like who are forced by their situation to use the internet. For them, there are various possibilities that will be discussed in detail to minimize the risks associated with going online.
Anyone who need not expose himself to a dangerous and highly contagious disease is forbidden by the Torah to do so, even if he takes all possible precautions.
Uniting Against the Threat
The Gedolim have urged Klal Yisrael to gather as one to fight a common enemy. The problem is truly universal, and requires a united front to deal with. At this historic asifa, we must establish a basic standard for everyone to adhere to in their relation with the internet.
The purpose of our gathering together is to unify Klal Yisrael in recognizing the problem that affects all of us. Every Jew in every community must commit to dealing with it. The asifa will help us all understand what daas Torah dictates as the minimum safeguards that must be in place when we use the internet.
Of course, each kehillah must have its own Rav, Rosh Yeshiva or Rebbe to serve as its guide in all areas of life. This issue is no exception. Every kehillah may build on these basic standards according to the needs of its members. Praiseworthy are the communities that are able to implement even higher and better standards!
A Unique Opportunity
We are one nation and our gathering together tonight was intended to emphasize this point. Many of our actions and decisions are directly affected by those around us. For example, most of us have little temptation to work on Shabbos or eat non-kosher food, because we draw strength from our peers and the community around us.
This can be a powerful tool in the service of Hashem. At the same time, however, it makes our observance of the Torah and mitzvos much less personal. How much reward do we deserve for a mitzvah we may be keeping largely due to peer pressure?
The trial of the internet is entirely different. This is a very personal nisayon, a test of the individual’s character. Most internet use takes place in private. As such, the temptation to visit unsuitable sites is rarely tempered by a fear of discovery. It is a fight that goes on within the person and it is entirely between him and Hashem. This is an area where one’s Yiras Shamayim is of overriding significance.
We must recognize this uniquely personal nisayon as a golden opportunity. Perhaps more than in any other area of our Torah-based lives, the internet gives us the opportunity to display our love for Hashem and our determination to fulfill His will.
Each time a Jew holds himself back from visiting a website that he knows is not appropriate, from one wrong click, he is acting out his pure love and fear of Hashem. It is a moment to be tapped in to; a moment that calls out for reflection and prayer.
We are declaring through our actions: “Hashem, I am Your son! I love You and I want You to be proud of me! Help me overcome my yetzer hara, help me fulfill Your will!”
Maintaining our purity when dealing with the internet is a supreme expression of our dedication to and love for Hashem!
In Conclusion
The Torah states**, וְהִתְקַדִּשְׁתֶּם וִהְיִיתֶם קְדֹשִׁים — Make yourselves holy and you will be holy.” Chazal*** derive from the seeming redundancy a lesson that, אדם מקדש עצמו מלמטה מקדשין אותו מלמעלה-If a person makes himself holy below, he will be made holy from above.” In other words, if we invest our effort to purify ourselves and rise above the spiritual pollution that surrounds us, we will merit Divine assistance from above.
May your participation in this once-in-a-lifetime event carry you through all the trials you will face in life, and may this merit earn you unlimited blessings from above, for good health, abundant wealth and happiness for you and all of your family!
* ישעי’ ס’ ב
** ויקרא י”א מ”ד
*** יומא לט
Is this the booklet they intend to distribute at the Flatbush Internet Asifa?
Rav Solomon shlita will be there. So everyone can confirm he supports the psak announced at the main Asifa.
The real solution is the same as for all challenges, exercise self-control.
This is the booklet that was intended to be distributed at Citi Field. I don't know if it will be distributed in Flatbush.
Note to moderator: the websites at the end of this piece were printed in the booklet, so please allow the entire post through; thanks.
Family Security And Issues Of Lifnei Iveir
Rabbi Yosef Viener
Question:
I have internet in my home and office, and a friendof mine claims that if I do not filter or monitor the content, I could be violating the issur of lifnei iveir lo sitei michshol. He argues that my allowing unrestricted internet use by my family and employees will no doubt cause them spiritual harm, and the responsibility for the damage will be partially my fault. This concept is new to me. Is it indeed necessary for me to install the proper filtering software, or is it merely a suggestion for those who want to be machmir?
Answer:
We are going to discuss an issue that might seem like an old topic, because there have been many gatherings to address the issue. Much to my surprise and chagrin, however, the message does not seem to have hit home. The security we will discuss is that of the sanctity of the family, which is currently suffering from the most insidious and dangerous attack ever leveled against it: the internet.
If you are about to turn the page because you feel that you have heard all there is to say on this subject, please bear with me for a few pages. First of all, I doubt that you have heard everything. Second, even if you do not think that the subject pertains to you, you might learn in the course of the essay that it does. In my years serving the frum community, there has never been a burning issue that affects the community at large as profoundly as this one does. If I may borrow a term, the internet is the “silent killer” of the neshamah. It is very silent – it can be used in the privacy of a closed room in the home or office – and it’s very deadly. One can commit spiritual suicide, and those around him will be none the wiser, until it is far too late. No one can know whether this problem affects a neighbor, a tablemate in shul or a chavrusa sitting across from you. As we will see, if it affects someone in your close circle of acquaintances, then it affects you as well.
Yet, people are either oblivious to the danger or are deliberately choosing not to focus on it.
Years back, when the initial gatherings regarding the internet too place, the Lakewood mashgiach, R’ Mattisyahu Salamon, shlita, would travel from one community to the next and warn people about the danger. I would take the opportunity to “interview” friends and members of my shul who attended those gatherings. I would ask people what steps they would take based on what they had learned at the gatherings. To my dismay, a common response was, “I’m sure that this problem exists in other people’s homes, but baruch Hashem, my home is safe.” Another response that I would hear is, “I think that th Rabbanim are exaggerating in order to scare us into action.”
Unfortunately, the real story is no exaggeration. Rabbeim, rabbanim and community leaders will tell you that not a week goes by without having to deal with an internet-induced shalom bayis problem, chinuch problem, or with a very fine bachur – or at least what’s left of one – who calls crying and begging to help him extricate himself from the tentacles of the internet.
In discussing this topic, I will present an approach toward the internet geared to those who either absolutely need the internet or don’t have the courage to get rid of it. Before I do so, however, I must issue a disclaimer: If you are among the lucky members of Klal Yisrael who do not have internet in their homes, please do not change that because of anything I am about to mention. Ultimately, the best response to the internet remains, and always will remain, not to have any access to it. If you don’t need it, then don’t have it. Not at home, not at the office, not on your cell phone and not anywhere else. That is the best security policy of all. Many people convince themselves that they need internet access, but if they would honestly assess the reasons that they are connected to the internet, they would realize that they could get by without it.
A case in point: some claim they save $30-$40 per month shopping online rather than going to the mall. That claim is debatable. Many husbands who track their expenditures have told me that the built-in shopping mall at home actually costs a lot more than it saves, because shopping becomes so easy that it encourages over-consumption. But even if the savings were significant, it’s difficult to justify the danger of having the internet at home just for the convenience and possible savings of shopping online.
The Torah states that when we go to war, the Shechinah (Divine Presence) joins us in the battle and enables us to be victorious. But the Divine escort is contingent upon one factor: “V’hayah machanecha kadosh – your camp shall be holy” (Devarim 23:15). The Torah warns, “V’lo yir’eh b’cha ervas davar, veshov mei’acharecha – He shall not see a shameful thing among you and turn away from behind you” (ibid.). Ultimately, then, one ervas davar costs us more than all of the savings and benefits we have from the internet. If we don’t have the Shechinah with us, we cannot succeed in any of our endeavors. And the internet does not come with the potential for only one “ervas davar.” Rather, it affords access to thousands of them each hour.
My first plea is, therefore, that every person who has internet access should reevaluate the decision he made when he brought the internet into his home. He should determine whether he truly needs it, or if he can dispose of the potential pitfall – at least in the home, where it is most dangerous.
The rest of the advice in this essay is addressed to those who must have internet access.
No One is Immune to Harmful Influence
Before we move onto the practical realm of how to deal with the internet, it is important to address those people who feel that their families are impervious to the temptation provided by the internet.
In Parashas Vayeira, the Torah relates that Sarah Imeinu saw Yishmael interacting with Yitzchak in an inappropriate manner, and she implored Avraham Avinu to banish Yishmael from their home. The Torah states, “Vayeira hadavar m’od b’einei Avraham al odos b’no – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son”
(Bereishis 21:11). Simply understood, “his son” refers to Yishmael – i.e., Avraham was greatly distressed that he would have to banish his son from his home. The Chasam Sofer explains this verse differently, however. He says that Avraham was greatly distressed because of his son Yitzchak. My Yitzchak, the holy Yitzchak, is susceptible to the influence of Yishmael? Avraham wondered. There must be something wrong with him if he cannot withstand the likes of Yishmael. But Sarah Imeinu knew better. Hashem told Avraham, “Kol asher tomar eilecha Sarah, sh’ma b’kolah – whatever Sarah tells you, heed her voice” (ibid. 21:12).
Sarah Imeinu taught us an invaluable lesson. No matter how pure and holy a person is, when he is exposed to temptation he is liable to fall prey to it. And if that is true about the relatively innocuous temptation embodied by the presence of Yishmael in the otherwise spiritually uplifted environment of Avraham and Sarah’s home, how much more true is it about the presence of the internet which contains temptations that are so powerful and incredibly accessible.
One lesson we learn, then, is that no one can claim that he is impervious to the temptation of the internet. We must all seek ways to protect and distance ourselves from this threat to our spiritual security.
But there is another important lesson that we can learn from the story of Yitzchak and Yishmael. All of the forms of security we are about to discuss will help only for our own homes. The safeguards we put into place will not help if we do not know where our children are at all times, with whom they are associating, and what those children are exposed to and able to access.
While the problem of harmful influence from bad friends has always existed to some extent, a decade or two ago we could suffice with the knowledge that our children weren’t playing with “real bums.” But today, even the most innocent looking children, from the best families, may have access to the worst images imaginable.
Your son will tell you, “I’m just going to Motty’s house.” Sounds safe enough. Motty’s a nice boy, you tell yourself. He doesn’t watch movies or hang out with the wrong people. Little do you know that within minutes of being in Motty’s house, your son can sink to the lowest depths of Gehinnom. It is still an unfortunate fact that many Jewish homes have internet connections that are unfiltered or unmonitored.
Parents naively supply their children with media devices (such as iPad and most MP3 players sold today), without realizing that they all come with full internet capabilities via their wireless connection. It is the parents’ responsibility to thoroughly investigate the phones, media players and games that that they are providing to their children. One can download damaging content to be viewed with incredible ease, and erase the evidence shortly after viewing, thus leaving no visible trace of the damage that has been caused.
A fellow I know once came running to me, frantically seeking my advice. “My son went to his friend’s house,” he said, “and they saw some very inappropriate things. I thought it was a good home. I can’t understand what happened to this generation!”
“Did you check out the home before you allowed him to play there?” I asked.
“Check out the house?” he asked incredulously.
“I sit next to the father in shul. My son is in a wonderful yeshivah, and this boy is his classmate. I already checked out the shul we daven in and the yeshivah I send him to. I know the father personally. How much more checking must I do?”
“I’m sorry,” I countered, “but you have to start asking whether a home is protected from the dangers of the internet before sending your child to play there.”
“I can’t ask that question,” he insisted. “I’m afraid to hurt people’s feelings. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes!”
This response was astounding, considering what this fellow does for a living: he’s a trial lawyer. All he does all day is step on toes. He breaks a few, injures others… but for his son’s sanctity and safety he’s afraid to step on toes. He spends his workday being aggressive, but when it comes to this subject, he’s afraid to be branded a “frumak,” so he’d rather blame it on the generation than face reality.
The reality today is that part of your job as a parent is to make sure you know which houses are protected from the internet and which are not. It is a very delicate issue, and it can cause bad feelings, but if you are not willing to check into what your child’s friends can expose your child to, you are not doing your job as a parent. If you are in doubt, then it’s better to err on the side of caution. When you consider the grave damage that can be done to your child in seconds, you will probably agree that it is better to disassociate from those who are willing to take a risk, rather than have your child caught in the “Net.”
So while we will discuss what can be done to protect our own homes, it is equally vital that you know where your children are going each time they leave the house. It sounds wearisome, but a momentary lapse in your vigilance can introduce them to a yetzer hara that is extremely difficult to fight.
The Case of Shloimy
A bachur – we’ll call him Shloimy – once called me to request an appointment, several days before he was scheduled to return to yeshivah after Pesach bein hazmanim (intersession). Shloimy entered my study, closed the door, sat down and began to cry. He spent the next 25 minutes crying. I couldn’t make out any intelligible words from what he was saying, but the torture that he was going through was expressed clearly with out words. When he finally drew himself together, he told me that less than half a year earlier, on Thanksgiving weekend, his parents went away for a Shabbos and left him home alone.
The word “downhill” does not do justice to Shloimy’s trajectory over the eight or nine weeks that followed. His interest in learning went into such a tailspin that his rebbi called the parents to discuss it. “What happened to my star talmid?” he asked in concern. “I ask him questions during shiur and I realize that he was daydreaming; he hasn’t been doing chazzarah (reviewing)…”
The parents didn’t know what to make of Shloimy’s downturn. Rather than investigate the possible causes, they reasoned that children have their ups and downs, and they figured that Shloimy would eventually come out of the rut on his own. Shloimy – by his own admission – continued to spiral ever-downward for the rest of the winter.
Shloimy comes from an amazing family, and their entire home is run al taharas hakodesh. There are no magazines in the home, no television – nothing that can lead a person astray – except for one thing. Shloimy’s father is a businessman, and he feels that he needs a computer with internet access in his home. And on that
fateful weekend, Shloimy began a descent on the slippery slope that has felled so many.
A while after my conversation with Shloimy, I managed to have a conversation with Shloimy’s father without betraying to him that his son had spoken to me Shloimy’s father mentioned that he had been to two of the gatherings discussing
internet access.
“What action did you take after you left those gatherings?” I asked him.
He said that he understood that it was important for other families to have the systems that I encourage people to install, but in his family it was absolutely unnecessary. “You have to know your kids,” he said. “Each one of my children is a bigger tachshit (loosely translated: gem) than the next.”
“Besides,” he added, “I once installed a filter for a few days, and it blocked out too much, so I removed it.”
I add this last detail because aside from the naïveté regarding how powerful a yetzer hara we are dealing with, I found the lack of patience in this case to be a bit odd. When we are talking about the spiritual success or failure of our children, is a system that blocks too much so bad?
And if it is too much of a pain, why go without any system? Try another one, and then another if you must, but don’t go without anything!
Finally, with Shloimy’s permission, I told his father what had been going on for the previous five months. “It’s a shame that you didn’t accept the message from the asifos that you attended,” I said, “because now we have a broken person to deal with, and we can only hope to get him back.” I said we could only hope to get him back because, as Shloimy told me during his “confession,” not only did he feel terrible guilt for the aveiros he had already done, but even as he tried to do teshuvah, he simply couldn’t concentrate because of the images floating around in his head.
Certainly, Hashem gave us a gift called teshuvah, and just as a computer has a delete button, Hashem can help a person delete those images as well. However, if the proper precautions are not taken, a relapse is possible at any time. An integral part of the teshuvah process is ensuring that the proper steps are taken to help mitigate the possibility of transgression.
Issur Yichud with a Computer
I have had tens of cases just like this one. Young, budding talmidei chachamim who were at the top of their respective classes in yeshivah became broken and dispirited because they were left in a vulnerable position by parents who were too proud, or too naïve, to acknowledge that their son might be tempted by the impurity that is so readily available on the internet. For those who feel that they or their children are immune to the temptation posed by the internet, a quote from Rambam should dispel that notion. The Rambam (Hilchos Issurei Biah 22:18- 20) writes, “There is nothing as difficult for the majority of the Jewish people as [the mitzvah to refrain] from illicit relationships… Our Sages taught that theft and illicit relationships are sins that a person is drawn to and desires… Therefore, it is worthwhile for a person to subjugate his yetzer in this area, and to train himself to act in a holy manner and have only pure thoughts, and to plan properly to save himself from [such sins]. One should refrain from yichud, because it is the greatest cause [for sins of this nature].”
The Rambam is teaching us that the yetzer hara that people are falling prey to on the internet is the most difficult one to withstand. It is foolish to try to fight the most difficult yetzer hara on its “home turf.” We must try to avoid this yetzer hara altogether by getting rid of the internet, or at least diminish the possibility of falling prey to it by having the correct systems installed. Indeed, we must treat the computer with the issur yichud that the Rambam names as the greatest cause of sins in this realm.
I know that this last statement will sound outlandish to some people. After one gathering regarding the internet, I asked someone who attended, “What do you consider the most powerful line you heard at the gathering?”
He smiled and said, “I know what the most powerful line was, but I think it was a great chiddush. HaRav Mattisyahu Salamon said that if the internet was around in the times of Chazal, they would have enacted an issur yichud upon it. How can there be an issur yichud with a computer – it’s not a living being!”
The Mashgiach’s words were certainly not novel; in fact, they reach the crux of the issue. He understands how powerful this yetzer hara is because he has dealt with the fallout. Dealing with the fallout has shown that being with a computer, alone, leaves a person very vulnerable.
In fact, we might argue that in an ordinary yichud situation, we are typically dealing with two people who can have a variety of reasons for resisting inappropriate behavior: pride, fear, etc. In the case of the internet, we are dealing with one person, with no culpability. The computer will not protest or say anything to anyone later on. If the person’s conscience is unable to stop him – as unfortunately seems to be the case in an overwhelming number of instances – he is in a serious predicament.
On the very morning that I delivered a shiur on this topic, Hashem sent me yet another case. This time, a father called me up and said, “I have a very open relationship with my son, and he discussed something with me that I think you can help us with. We need to talk to you together.”
I spoke to the father for a few minutes, and then I asked him whether I could speak to his son privately. I knew that the situation would cause an untold amount of embarrassment to the boy, and I wanted him to be able to face his father afterward. The father agreed, and when the boy entered the room, the first question he asked was whether I had ever heard of the problem before. This boy was under the impression that he was the only one with this problem. I assured him that he was far from the odd man out. “You are very normal,” I said. “What makes you different is that you told your father, and I am very impressed that you did. Otherwise, you are unfortunately a prototypical case of a person left alone with unlimited access to the internet.”
I could see that it took a load off his shoulders. That doesn’t mean that I caused him to view the situation lightly – far from it. But it was comforting to him to know that he was struggling with a normal yetzer hara, and that he was not crazy.
This boy explained that when he started failing in this area, he sank into a deep depression, certain that he was depraved and that no one else was struggling with this desire. Once I explained that it was normal, he felt that he could deal with it.
Realize, however, that what I told him was the truth: the sort of honest relationship he has with his father is extremely rare. Most parents will have no idea of what their children are up to at all, and even if they do find out, it will be at a stage at which it will be very, very difficult to undo the damage. Bachurim come to me many times to discuss this problem on the condition that I not tell their parents. After hearing the extent of the damage and the frequency with which they have been falling prey, I often ask, “Don’t you parents know anything?” The answer is invariably, “They have no clue.”
The good news in those cases is that these boys are seeking help. (I can just imagine how many other boys are in similar situations, but are too ashamed to seek help.) The bad news is that I can’t tell the parents afterwards, because I have been approached in confidence, so I just have to hope that they attend a gathering on the subject and decide to eradicate the problem from the home without my intervention. Unfortunately, even when parents of boys that I have met with
do attend a gathering, their reaction to what they hear is usually, “I think that it was a very important d’rashah. I’m going to tell my neighbor about it the next time I see him.”
If the situation I portray seems frightening, it’s only because it is. We must make internet security a community priority and a societal norm, to the extent that no one would consider having unfiltered and unreported internet access.
Filtering and Accountability
Let me outline the system that I feel must be in place on every computer that has internet access, whether at home or in the office. Again, the best solution is still to have no internet access in the first place, but in cases where that is not an option, we need to have a two-tiered security system comprised of filtering software and reporting software.
There are dozens of programs available, with varying levels of efficacy. Interestingly, many well-meaning non-Jews realize that the moral fabric of this country is decaying because of the terrible impact of the internet, and they are inventing software to combat the problem. So concerned are they about the problem that they are making their software available for free or for a nominal fee of $10 or $20 a month – a small price to pay when we realize what is at stake.
Some programs do both filtering and reporting, and some do only one of the two; you can install more than one program on your system to provide comprehensive coverage.
Let me explain the purpose and operating method of each of the two types of software.
Filtering Software
The purpose of filtering software is to block inappropriate material from reaching your computer screen. Most filters will allow you to “white list” the websites that you need to use, so that you can confine your internet access to the minimal number of websites that you really need. You can also “blacklist” specific sites that you don’t want people in your home to access. Aside from the white lists and blacklists, the filters use frequently updated information and advanced technology to scan websites and block those that contain offensive language and objectionable material.
Unfortunately, though, the people who are attempting to spread tumah are very determined to get their filth through the filters, and they will stop at nothing. They create thousands of sites each day, many of which are designed to “outsmart” the filtering systems.
In addition, a determined child (or adult) can figure out a way to work around a filter so that he (or she) can get to the inappropriate material, or he can stumble on the password for the filter and disable it.
It is therefore imperative that you add the second layer of protection: a reporting system.
Reporting Software
Reporting software can track anything on your computer, down to each keystroke and click of the mouse if you set it up to do so. Its most important function, however, is to track website visits and searches. The software then generates a report and sends it to you and someone else via email. It is imperative that you send the report to someone who you will have difficulty facing if the report is unfavorable – a chavrusa, a Rebbi, or a rav.
I have made the following offer in public, and it stands for anyone reading this essay: if you cannot find someone with whom you are uncomfortable enough to send the reports to, I am willing to read your reports, as long as you are willing to accept some warm divrei mussar if I find something troublesome on a report. I already receive numerous reports each morning, many of which are for internet use of people I don’t even know. Each report takes me only a few seconds to read, because the first few lines of the report contain a brief synopsis – something to the effect of “looks good,” “report needs review,” or “report needs close review.”
Employing this two-tiered system is the only way to have internet access without presenting a clear and present danger to the sanctity of our homes. Many people who have suffered from an internet addiction have been cured after installing such software and being forced to face a rav or Rebbi who actually took the time to read the reports and contact their mispallel or talmid and discuss it, thu successfully weaning him off of the addiction.
A case in point is a fellow who came over to me after Maariv one night and asked to speak to me in private. He waited until all the other people who were waiting finished asking their sh’eilos, and then he sat down and said, “I am a regular, card-carrying member of the frum community. My children attend good yeshivos, I’m professional, I make plenty of money, I learn daf yomi each day, and… I have been addicted to the internet for several years.”
“I’m a lawyer,” he told me. “It is not considered strange for me to stay in the office until 11 or 12 o’clock at night. Little did anyone know that I usually finished my work much earlier (due to the downturn in the economy) and I spent the rest of the time tearing apart my neshamah.” Quite a résumé. I had to give him credit for coming in person. Most people with this problem call and discuss it anonymously over the phone. “I need your help,” he continued. “I want to have the reports of my internet use sent to you.”
“I’ll be happy to have you send them to me,” I said, “but only on the condition that if I call you up and give you mussar, you’ll listen to me. If you are going to hate me for it or avoid my phone calls, then we are not going to accomplish much by having you send me reports.”
“I’m aware of the consequences,” he replied. “But I’ve heard from others using the system that it works very well, and I need help!”
This man has been on the filtering and reporting system for two months. The good news is that many of the reports were good. That bad news is that several weeks ago, the headline on the page read, “Report needs close review.”
I sent this man an email, “Please contact me ASAP.” He wrote back, “I am having tremendous bizyonos (embarrassment) because of this, and it’s going to get better.”
I’m happy to report that it did get better. The last few reports have been much better. Does this mean that he won’t cave to his yetzer hara ever again? No. But he knows that if he does slip, he’ll have some explaining to do, and that is a very powerful deterrent. It is a perfect application of R’ Yochanan ben Zakkai’s blessing to his students, “Yehi ratzon sheyehei mora Shamayim aleichem kemora basar vadam – May it be [Hashem’s] will that your fear of Heaven should be akin to your fear of a human.” Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible to muster up enough mora Shamayim when it comes to this yetzer hara, so we had better employ ‘the fear of getting caught’ (mora basar vadam) to boost our immunity.
I cannot overemphasize the need for the reporting software. Filtering is simply not enough. The people who invent these reporting programs consider it so vital that when you set up the options for the frequency at which the reports will be generated, you will notice that one of the options is to have a report sent every hour. If the team that created this software realized how dangerous the internet is, how much more so should we.
A Word on Passwords
One more important point regarding filtering and reporting software: In order to set up these systems, you have to apply a password that allows you to control the level of filtering, the websites that you want to enable access to, and other features. It is imperative that the people most susceptible to this yetzer hara not be the ones to set up the password. If a lonely husband spending summer nights alone in the city finds himself in the vulnerable position of having access to a computer on which all he must do is enter a password and change the filtering levels, then we haven’t gained much by setting up the filtering system.
One possibility is to have the husband and wife each enter a few of the characters in the password, so that neither of the two can make a change to the password without the other one’s knowledge. If that is not practical, have a neighbor or friend set up the password.
Toward Greater Productivity: Internet at Home
The art of “killing time” has been perfected through internet use. A simple search often turns into hours of nonsensical activity. It should be obvious that as frum yidden we must realize that our job in life is to utilize all the precious time give to us for the avodas Hashem that we were created to do. Wasting time surfing the net, even if nothing improper is viewed, and no lashon horah is read, is akin to committing suicide with an installment plan. It is a crime to waste precious time on endless net-browsing for men who have precious little time for their daily learning, and for busy women who struggle to find time for their children, davening or chessed.
Toward Greater Productivity: Internet in the Workplace
One fellow who came to discuss the problem of the internet with me is a lawyer who owns a large law firm. I told him that aside from the internet security system he must set up in his home, he must also put a security system in place in his office. If an employer has a computer system (for Yidden in the office), he may be transgressing, “Lifnei iveir lo sitein michshol” if he does not have a filtering and accountability system in place.
Although lifnei iveir applies only when it is certain (or very likely) that another person is going to sin because of your actions, in the case of the internet it is almost guaranteed that those working on an unprotected system will be misusing the computer. The misuse will not only be limited to improper viewing. Wasting company time also involves serious issues of g’neivah as well as loss of potential revenue for the firm. And if these sins are not in the realm of Even Ezer (which includes the sins associated with viewing improper sites), then they will be in the realm of Choshen Mishpat, because employees will waste company time surfing the net if they are left to their own devices.
It took a few weeks of intense nudging to convince the managing partner of the law firm to install an elaborate security system on his computer network. But once the system was installed, it took only a few days until he called me and said, “Rabbi Viener, I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Baruch Hashem!” I said. “You have the tz’nius under control?”
“Not yet,” he said, “but I already fired three people. They were caught spending over 30% of their time on the internet—on my dime!”
I don’t see why the CEO of any company – frum or not – wouldn’t rush to install a filtering and reporting system on their computers. If for nothing else, it keeps honest people honest, and productivity will naturally go up—hopefully to the levels that it should be at in the first place.
Similarly, if you are an employee in a firm and you sit alone in an office with a computer that is not filtered, make sure to get the computer technician in your office to place a filtering and reporting system on your computer. If it is impossible to make such changes in your office, perhaps it is time to reevaluate your working there. Remember, turning the Shechinah away from you will only hurt your parnassah prospects.
A Note to Women
Chazal teach that women lead the way when it comes to maintaining the sanctity of the home. In Parashas Bo, Pharaoh offers to allow the men to go serve Hashem in the wilderness, as long as the women and children would remain in Mitzrayim. In Divrei Aggadah, Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv explains that Pharaoh realized that if the men were allowed to serve Hashem on their own, they would not last long. They could only succeed if the women were backing and supporting them in their efforts.
Harav Elyashiv cites a Midrash as proof. The Midrash states that a righteous man was married to a righteous woman, and they did not have any children. They decided to divorce and they each married another person. The man married a wicked woman and he became wicked. The woman married a wicked man and she made him righteous. We see, concludes the Midrash, that “everything comes from the woman.”
Women: I cannot overemphasize the difficult yetzer hara that the internet presents for your husbands and children. I don’t want to cause shalom bayis issues, but trust me it is far easier to prevent the problem than to deal with it when it turns into a real issue, chas v’shalom.
Please do not assume that you are not in danger as well. Although women are generally not as susceptible to the yetzer haras that plague men, the enticing nature of the web can (and unfortunately does) ensnare both genders.
Nashim tzidkaniyos! Insist that the internet be removed from your home if it does not need to be there. If you must have internet access, see to it that a filter and reporting system be installed on all computers, Blackberries and iPhones. If your husband is resistant, speak to his Rav as soon as possible, because your husband may already be in trouble. If he doesn’t have a Rav because he frequents too many shuls, make sure he finds one. Very few can win the battle without the help of a spiritual mentor.
Finally – and I address this exhortation to both parents and children – daven. Daven that your efforts to maintain k’dushas habayis by protecting yourselves and your families from this terrible danger should succeed. Only with tefillah can our hishtadlus to raise frum ehrliche Yidden be met with hatzlachah.
I will end on an optimistic note. The fact that the yetzer hara has grown so strong in our time, in large part due to the influence of the internet, is a sure sign that Mashiach is on his way. Just before the time comes for the yetzer hara to be eradicated, Hashem is allowing him to unleash every tool in his arsenal to try to lead us astray. It is up to us to neutralize the yetzer hara’s most powerful weapon, so that we merit to greet Mashiach with pure eyes, hearts, and minds.
A small sampling of the many filter and reporting programs available:
• WebChaver: http://www.webchaver.org
• Jnet – filter for computer, Blackberry and other mobile devices: http://www.thejnet.com
• Eblaster – very thorough reporting system: http://www.eBlaster.com
• NetNanny – http://www.NetNanny.com
• Accountable2you (free): http://www.accountable2you.com
• WebSense – an enterprise level product if you run a medium size business or larger: http://www.websense.com
For a rundown on these and other filter programs, see internet-filter-review at www. toptenreviews.com. Also, see the Re-Solutions section of this publication.
"There is no excuse for using the internet where it is not absolutely necessary."
This is why everyone needs a Rav. What is necessary for me, may not be necessary for you. Perhaps there should be a prequel Asifa, discussing the need for everyone to have a Rav.
True Stories… As told to the Rabbonim and Professionals who deal with victims of the internet
The following is a selection of some of the many stories of people who have
fallen victim to the internet. They are far from the worst stories, but they reflect
the broadest spectrum of people, experiences and communities.
The greatest problem with the internet epidemic is that it is a relatively invisible one. Yet, the destruction it leaves in its wake is often all too visible. There are numerous tragic cases of those who shed belief in Hashem due to the internet’s pernicious influence or whose addictions led them deep into the darkest abyss. Others seem normal on the outside but live behind a façade; they walk among us and dress like the typical frum person, but are corrupted to the core. For some, it is not enough to have become corrupted but they must spread their disdain through conversations and blogs posted on the internet (in English and/or in Yiddish), expounding upon demoralizing or heretical thoughts of their own making simmering inside them. Many who have not succumbed to this treacherous virus are infected nonetheless, some mildly and others more severely.
And yet, bad as we may think it is, the destructive influence of the internet is worse than people imagine. It is chilling to think about. Yet, this is the reality we live in.
The first step in dealing with this reality is… realizing that it is the reality—and just how profoundly it has affected lives. Therefore, we present a series of real-life stories about others who have fallen into the internet trap. One cannot
imagine how many families have been affected. Aside from the spiritual dangers – which a person can mistakenly take less seriously because they are less tangible—these stories testify to the very real physical and financial perils also posed by the internet.
Please note that these stories have been chosen for their relatively “benign” content. They are far from the worst. Yet, they reflect the experiences of all types of people, from all communities and from all walks of life.
How the Internet Ruined Me Financially
A chill runs up my spine as I recall the dismal levels to which I had sunk before Hashem guided me to the help I desperately needed in the nick of time. It is unnecessary to relate the entire chain of events in all its gory details. It is enough that I describe to you just the tip of the iceberg, enough to help you imagine just how destructive this technology can be, sans the proper precaution.
It all started when I entered into a partnership with my friend, opening an online business together.
I was delighted that I no longer had to haul heavy boxes or answer to a demanding boss. I was the luckiest person on earth, or at least
that’s what I thought.
At first, I would share an office with my partner as we worked together. After a while, however, I found myself alone in the office. While my partner was preoccupied with other activities, I was responsible for the computer work. And we became quite friendly, him and me, and by “him” I mean the internet. A bit too friendly, as I realized only much later.
I gradually became more and more hooked on this miracle technology, and I would spend hours upon hours in its tentacles. Everything fascinated me and I left nothing unexplored. It came to a point that I simply did not have enough hours in
my day to visit all my favorite websites, to chatwith all my electronic friends, read all the interesting blogs and surf around the endless sea of the internet. I just had to spend every spare second I had in cyberspace. I would often tell my wife
that I had to return to the office in the evening to finish up some business, and then I would sit there well past midnight, clicking my way through the
great wide cyber world.
I had often heard drashos and read about the dangers of the internet, and I had always assumed that the only peril was accessing decadent and immoral sites. Now, however, I realize that just being addicted to the “benign” parts also posed serious problems. With my addiction to the web, I was only one step away from ruining my life. The shalom bayis in my home was adversely affected, I did not have a spare minute to spend with my children, and I had no peace of mind. I lived in my own isolated, fantasy island.
But I finally had my rude awakening when I was struck with a heavy financial blow. My partner eventually realized that I was fooling around and my part of the work was not getting done properly. One dark Wednesday, after an acrimonious
exchange, I found myself without a partner and without a job.
I was stunned and shaken. My world had turned black, but I decided to keep the news from my family for as long as possible. Meanwhile, I still hadn’t lost my other, more important partner: the internet. And this partner afforded me a fulltime
job. This was now my official occupation all day long. I fooled myself into thinking I would find other employment shortly. Obviously, however, you find nothing by floating through cyberspace, except for more problems.
My financial situation continued to go from bad to worse, as did my emotional equilibrium. I went through some terribly trying times I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I became embroiled in many other trials and tribulations that I would rather not talk about. I will only tell you the fortunate conclusion to my story, which took place when a relative got involved and helped me find employment. The new job did not come with the greatest salary, and was pretty similar to my first job— hauling boxes, but I was happy. Yes, I still had that powerful yearning to sit in front of a computer, but in my heart I knew that this was the only way to keep from falling into the trap again. The suffering I sustained was enough to convince me beyond a doubt that the internet was no game, and it could totally ruin an entire family forever.
Dear friend, if your job necessitates sitting at a computer, do everything you can to ensure you will not get addicted and lose yourself to the world of the internet. Don’t let yourself be trapped or you might just end up paying for it with all that is near and dear to you. And you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Koachshtikah,
A quote from Rav Viener's essay: "One lesson we learn, then, is that no one can claim that he is impervious to the temptation of the internet. We must all seek ways to protect and distance ourselves from this threat to our spiritual security."
koachshtika, I sort of agree with you, though I'd say it a little differently: The real solution is to give each of us the confidence and tools to overcome our yetzer harah, and not let the yetzer harah control us by deceiving ourselves into believing that we are powerless over it.
MP,
You're talking about a very wonderful ideal - that everyone had the tools to overcome the yetzer horah, and always utilized them, without any external help. We don't live in such a world, though.
If we did, we could leave our doors unlocked at night.
If we did, Chaza"l would never have had to institute any gezeiros.
If we did, we wouldn't daven "al t'vieinu lidei nisayon" because we would relish the challenge.
Rather, we are supposed to dread sin and distance ourselves as much as possible, especially as it pertains to these specific desires.
Hitting Rock Bottom
Undoubtedly, we have all heard and read about the evils of the internet with its inherent pitfalls and dangers. And, quite likely, there are those among us who are tempted to think that these “alarmists” are surely exaggerating. They must be taking things way out of context! Well, as someone who has learned the hard way, I am now painfully aware that these “alarmists” are in fact realists – with one caveat: If anything, they are understating the perils of the internet, probably because most of them have not been personally exposed to it, and therefore cannot possibly know all the sordid and gory details. Otherwise, they would surely leave no stone unturned to eradicate this dreadful plague.
Allow me to share my story with you: It all began with a BlackBerry back when I was a kollel yungerman, fully supported by my father-in-law, unencumbered by any burden of parnasah. I am by nature an inquisitive type and my BlackBerry, with its ready access to the internet, swiftly opened new vistas for me. All my free time (as well as my not so free time) was spent searching and surfing the web. This was a big, broad new world and I just couldn’t get enough of it.
Eventually, I found the BlackBerry’s small screen rather inadequate. In order to satisfy my insatiable desire to experience ever more, I approached a friend of mine who had a small office that he only used for a couple of hours a day and got permission to use it. I ended up spending so much time there at his computer that my friend once remarked jokingly that he almost felt like an intruder when he came by to conduct his business there. That clinched it for me. I couldn’t continue to abuse my friend’s goodwill and take advantage of his kindness. I would have to get my own office!
And so I did. I rented a tiny cubicle of an office – just enough to accommodate me… and my computer. It goes without saying that now I was able to spend unlimited time at my beloved computer. So much so that that diminutive office soon became my second home. Or, better said, my primary home.
It was as if I was glued to my chair in front of the computer and nothing could entice me to leave it. And when I absolutely had to leave, i.e. to go home for dinner or the like, it was always with much reluctance, and I impatiently schemed how I could quickly return to the magic of the screen. Not surprisingly, this addiction came at a cost.
It is of course impossible to spend so many hours on the unfiltered internet, no holds barred, without becoming ensnared in the web – both figuratively and literally. For a long time, its influence remained subtle. I still recited berachos and still davened (more or less). But, my heart and soul were not in it. I was but a shell of the man I had once been, and I did everything by rote without any real feeling. Initially, I wanted desperately to believe that I was still the same ehrliche yid. It was a long time before I realized the stark truth – that the tumah of the internet and kefirah are intertwined. For after all, when one allows his eyes and heart to wander after the depravity of the net while he is safely ensconced in the privacy and solitude of his home or office, he is essentially expressing pure kefirah. He is intrinsically denying the presence of a much higher force, Hakodosh Baruch Hu, because if he would be aware that Hakodosh Baruch Hu sees and hears everything, he certainly would never have had the guts to click on that mouse. But, at the time, I was so bogged down in filth that such reasoning was beyond me. Slowly but surely, I lost every vestige of yiras shamayim. At first I would only miss a mincha or a maariv, and then a shacharis. Eventually, it got to the point where I did not step into shul from one Shabbos to the next. My wife, of course, was blissfully oblivious to this tragic turn of events. As far as she was concerned, her husband’s schedule included shacharis, mincha, maariv, as well as several hours in kollel. I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into a quagmire of decadence and deception. But I was too powerless to extricate myself. Every now and then I would experience fleeting pangs of remorse, but my behavior continued unchanged.
This went on until Rosh Chodesh Elul when my brother made a bris for his newborn son in shul, which I absolutely had to attend – my absence would have been too obvious. After davening, the gabbai took out the shofar and blew tekiah, teruah, tekiah. Somehow, the sound of the shofar struck a chord in my heart, and I was gripped by an almost palpable pachad. Where was I headed? What would become of me? How low could one sink? But sadly, the yetzer horah, tapping into the power of my addiction, quickly quashed these thoughts.
And then came Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. At one point in the middle of davening, I paused to take stock of my ruchnius, or lack of same. I was overcome by a sudden surge of profound regret. I let my tears flow unabashedly as
I thought about my abysmal state. Would Hashem ever forgive me? By motzei Yom Kippur I felt cleansed. I experienced a measure of tranquility that had eluded me for months.
I wish I could tell you that I then turned over a new leaf and never looked at the internet again. But sadly, the fact of the matter was that the very next day, one day after Yom Kippur, I was once again seated in front of the computer surfing the internet. It was as if I was part of the internet. I’d rather not detail the anguish that my family and I suffered because of my addiction. Suffice it to say that after a long and painful odyssey, I did recover, but only because I had the siyattah dishmaya to encounter a group of people who dedicated their time and resources to helping people like me overcome addictions.
Today, I spend much of my time doing teshuvah and being mispallel that Hashem forgive me for all that I have wrought. But I know only too well that the decadence and indecency that I have imbibed will not soon dissipate and will always come back to haunt me. I no longer have a computer, but I do have a BlackBerry, albeit with a J-net filter.
If only I could turn back the clock, I would know now that internet addiction is not to be taken lightly. It is as corruptive as it is addictive, and it is far easier to be ensnared in the “net” than to extricate oneself from it.
Trust me. I know.
DY. The Skverre Rebbe Shlita disagrees with you. He is on record as having said, a person filled with yiras shamayim and a healthy entusiasm for yiddishkeit is unlikely to fall victim to the internet. Unfortunately, too many people live, what R' Shafier Shlita calls, "robotic judaism", they are bored and unenthusiatic aboit yiddishkeit. Into that void comes the lure and excitement of "the internet". It need not be the dark seedy side of the web, it could be something as silly as spending all ones waking hours playing solitair. In conjunction with facing the challenge of the web, is an even greater challenge, how to instill in each and every person the enthusiasm for yiddishkeit and the yiras shamayim that leaves no void for anything labeled "tuma"to enter. enters.
apushatayid: And there is no internet connectivity in any home in New Square. I'm pleased you appreciate the Skverrer Rebbe's position on this matter. (Which is the reason no home in NS has internet.)
APY,
There is nothing in your presentation of the Rebbe Shlita"s viewpoint which I disagree with.
I'm not sure why you think there is.
I'm sure you don't imagine that the Rebbe Shlit"a has internet access.
When I Lost My Husband
It is not easy to talk about it, but it is crucial for people to hear about the havoc that the internet can leave in its wake. Until recently, I would never have believed that the internet could so effectively destroy someone. Even today, I do not entirely comprehend the powerful grip it could extend to the point that a normal intelligent person loses complete control of himself. But, simply put, it happened to me.
Ever since my husband acquired a computer with internet connection, I basically lost him. In the beginning, I didn’t realize how far matters could go. I didn’t want to nag him about it and always pull him away from the computer. I thought
I was being nice, but as time went on, however, things only became worse, to the point where I couldn’t pull him away even when I desperately wanted to. When I sometimes took it upon myself to look into just what he was doing on the computer, I realized that pursuits in cyberspace were simply endless: he would search for information on various products, scroll through dozens of news websites, peruse politics (both within the Jewish community and in the world at large), view all kinds of clips (i.e., weddings of Chassidic Rabbis,
silly tricks and stunts and other nonsense), chat with pals he befriended on the internet (for which he even set up a microphone system), play games for hours on end, manage bank accounts, do computer-related favors for family members like finding the cheapest prices for anything they might want to purchase, Googling any phone number or address they needed, and providing them with computerized directions to any destination. And last but not least, checking for new emails every few seconds and then forwarding them on to others. I felt he was interested in everything in the world except me. I simply did not hold his interest.
On the rare occasions that he wasn’t sitting at the computer, he was playing with his iPod.
He just had to be connected to technology every second of the day. I already knew that “I’ll be done in five minutes” often meant endless hours. Even when he said that at midnight, I knew that he still had countless websites to browse before he could part with his computer. Strangely enough, he didn’t at all consider himself an internet addict, since he was always busy “getting things done” on the computer. But someone who is familiar with addictions once explained to me that an addict cannot bring himself to stop what he’s doing for any price. And it was clear that this was my husband’s reality. It had taken over his entire life – and I remained alone. I felt helpless. I had no idea how to deal with it.
You sometimes hear the term “living orphans.” I was a married divorcee. I was alone in the world. I had no one to share my life with – no one with whom to share the pleasure of seeing our child take his first step or saying his first words. My husband just wasn’t unavailable. He was like a piece of wood, an inanimate object, with the exception that he ate and slept. And if you think this was the worst it got, read on.
My husband’s addiction quickly spiraled out of control. It might have started innocently, but after a while he began visiting “unacceptable” websites, to put it mildly, and that was when his addiction reached its climax. He simply couldn’t tear himself away from the screen. He was so attached to the internet that he neglected his job. Needless to say, it wasn’t long before he was fired.
But if you think that was enough to jolt him out of his addiction and make him realize the dire straits he was in, you are mistaken. In fact, it was just the opposite. Now he had nothing to keep him from his addiction. He stopped supporting the family altogether. We subsisted completel on government assistance, which was obviously not enough to feed a family, pay the rent, electricity and water bills. But he didn’t care. I pleade and cajoled, but to no avail. It was as if I was talking to the wall He kept a crazy schedule. He woke up in the morning, rummaged through the pantry and the fridge, looking for food. Then he went into hi computer room, locked the door and remained inside all day. He browsed the most depraved of websites and watched a host of immoral films. I the evenings, he came out and gruffly demanded dinner. After devouring his meal in solitude, he returned to his dark world and once again isolated himself from his family and the rest of the normal world. There was no “good night” to the children, no questions about how their day had been.
Nothing. Zero.
I cannot begin to tell you how many tear I shed during that period of my life. I wept and grieved, but kept my pain to myself. I was ashamed to speak to anyone about it, and tried my best to ensure the children didn’t feel they were lacking something because they didn’t have a father. And so I suffered in silence until it came to a point that I could no longer keep quiet.
One day, my husband apparently forgot to lock the door of the computer room, and one of the children abruptly pushed the door open. My husband leaped up and tried to cover the screen, but it was too late. To this day, I don’t know just what the child saw. But, my husband lunged out of the room, ranting like a madman. How come I couldn’t take proper care of the children? Why couldn’t I teach them not to bother their father when he was busy? That was when I fell apart. The fact that it had come to a point where my children’s spiritual and physical wellbeing was in jeopardy because their father was addicted to the worst of the internet broke m completely, and I decided that the time had come to demand a divorce.
Dear mothers and wives, don’t let it come to that. Don’t let your family go to ruin because of the poisonous internet. It is bitter and painful.
Save your shalom bayis before it is too late.
"MP,
You're talking about a very wonderful ideal - that everyone had the tools to overcome the yetzer horah, and always utilized them, without any external help. We don't live in such a world, though."
DY, first off, I don't really intend on getting into another discussion about this with you, though our first one was pleasant and civil, and I thank you for that. But I just want to say a few things:
Of course we currently don't live in a world such as the one I described. If we did, there would be no reason for any concern. But I believe that is what we should be STRIVING for. It is not unattainable. Now, you said "without any external help". I believe, as I've said before, that having external help (such as filters) is a very good thing. But it's not THE solution. It's just a temporary patch on a problem that runs deeper. External help doesn't take away the source of the problem. INTERNAL strength is what does.
Thank you for posting all those tragic stories about people who've ruined themselves, and their families, due to making bad choices on the internet. But you see, those stories are the ones that people tell over to everyone, and that gets everyone scared that they will fall to the same fate, and that having proper control and responsibility is impossible. But we don't hear about all the people who use the internet responsibly, and that's because there are no issues to report. All your stories scare people into believing that they are powerless, and the the INTERNET is the problem, that the internet is some vast, poisonous beast that is evil and tears us apart no matter what we do. But the real problem is not the internet, it is US. When WE make bad choices, when WE don't have the skills, maturity, and control necessary, we fall pray to our yetzer harahs. It's the bad choices that are the PRIMARY cause of a person's destruction, not the tool used to make those choices. And the internet is just a means that the yetzer harah uses, it's merely a tool, and because of it's ease of access and opportunity to lead us into BOTH (good and bad) extremes, it has become the easiest way for our yetzer harahs to control us.
It is when people view the internet ITSELF as evil, as a sin in itself, that we have these issues. But that is a very warped perspective of what the internet is, and people get that perspective when fed all these horror stories and are forced into believing that they have no control, and never will. It's only a nisayon if you make it out to be one. But it doesn't have to be one. I would say though, that while a person doesn't have the skills, confidence, and maturity to use the internet responsibly (which may be many frum people, at this point), having a filter or supervision is vital, because without the control necessary, everything you are saying is correct, and it is a nisayon, and caution is of the highest importance. But if we really want to solve this problem, we must be able to believe that we DO have the capabilities to use the internet responsibly, we CAN have the control necessary, and just that confidence alone can provide a major step in the right direction.
MP: Most people who leave a loaded gun on their dining room table, their kids don't kill themselves or a sibling with it. It is only the horror stories that you hear about. So it really is okay to leave a loaded gun on your dining room table.
MP,
Since Adam Harishon, we've had a yetzer horah, and that isn't changing. We have to deal in that reality.
Rav Mattisyahu Salomon has said on many occasions that the internet is not evil, just a nisayon. You appear to have been misled into thinking that there's a campaign to call the internet evil. There isn't. There's a campaign to educate (in some cases, in very forceful ways), that it's potentially dangerous, and must be treated as such. But it's not about calling it evil, just a very powerful tool i the hands of the yetzer horah.
On e comment of yours really puzzles me. You write, "It's only a nisayon if you make it out to be one. But it doesn't have to be one." What does that mean? It is one! Can someone decide that yichud "doesn't have to be" a nisayon and therefore ignore those halachos? HKB"H wired us a certain way, and demands of us that we deal with that reality, not in a world of ideals.
The Gemara says, "יצרו של אדם מתגבר עליו בכל יום, ואלמלא הקב"ה עוזרו, אינו יכול לו", that without Hashem's help, we are unable to overcome the yetzer hora. The "confidence" you speak about is misplaced. One can only be confident that he can overcome the yetzer hora if he has Hashem's help. How can one expect Hashem's help when he doesn't follow His guidelines?!
My next post, also copied from the Kinus Brochure, will highlight the aspect of the need for yiras shomayim.
The Best “Accountability” Program
We know that everyone who needs the internet needs ways of protecting
themselves from unrestrictive use, and one of the best weapons in this battle is an “accountability” or “reporting” program. This is when all the websites one visits are recorded and sent to a person (e.g=., friend or Rav) in front of whom one would feel ashamed if they were found to have visited inappropriate websites. Well, long before the advent of software, and even computers, the Jewish people had the original “accountability” program. It is presented here as an excerpt from Rabbi Avigdor Miller, zt’l, in a new, recently published book of his teachings: Rav Avigdor Miller On Emunah And Bitachon (Judaica Press in conjunction with the
Simchas HaChaim Foundation).
QUESTION
When saying Shema Yisrael, what should you think about?
ANSWER
The first thing is kavanah p’shuta. You have to know the “simple translation” of the words and think about the words you’re translating. But I will give you a good suggestion [to go beyond kavanah p’shuta]. Every day you can add in another peirush, another layer of “meaning,” to that. Shema Yisrael Hashem Elokainu Hashem Echad—echad means He is “One.” What does One mean? That if you will travel to the North Pole, Hashem is there. If you travel to the South Pole, He is there too—and in between, by the way. You can go all the way to the west or east—wherever you go you will find Hashem.
If you travel to Tokyo and are all by yourself in a hotel with a lot of money to spend and a lot of leisure time, know that Hashem is looking at you. You have to behave. If you go all the way to Hungary, in a hotel in the mountains, and have a lot of money—behave, because Hashem is looking at you. If you’re in the North Pole all by yourself—behave, because Hashem is looking at you. If temptations
come your way, behave like He is on the spot—which He is. Think this thought every day. Mizrach, maariv, tzafon, darom, maaloh umatah [“East, west, north, south, up and down”]—He is One everywhere.
That is one kavanah [one meditation]. Do this for homework one day—and the next day think about the next kavanah: Hashem Echad, “Hashem is One”—there is only one interest in our lives. We have a lot of interests, but he is the One interest. When I go to work, it’s only Hashem that I am thinking about. When I get married—only for Hashem. When I am raising children—only for Hashem. When I eat—only for Hashem. Even when I daven, I am davening for Hashem. (It’s a good idea, by the way, to remember Hashem when you daven.) And therefore, echad means: In all the things I do in this world, He is the only interest I have.
The next day, add a new kavanah, a new layer of meaning. Think Hashem Echad in the following terms. Hashem is in this world—Atah hu b’Olam Hazeh, v’atah hu b’Olam Habah, “You’re He who is in this world; and You’re He who is in the next world.” Hashem is in both worlds, this world and the next. Be aware of Him in this world and fulfill His mitzvos, because in the next world we will be together with Him too. You can’t take a dive off the Empire State Building and get rid of Him. No. Im esak shamayim sham atah – “If I will go up to the Heavens,” King David said in Tehillim (139:8), “there You are. If I will go down to the depths of the sea, there You are.”
Another layer of meaning you can have in the word echad is as follows: Hashem, You’re the only One that exists. Nobody exists in this world. Nothing exists. It’s all Hashem’s imagination. Hashem imagined the sun and it came into being. If He would withdraw His imagination there would be no sun. Think about that. When you look at the sun or moon you’re seeing only the dvar Hashem, the “word” of Hashem. B’dvar Hashem shamayim nasu—it’s only His word that you see (Tehillim 33:6). When He said yehi, “Let there be” (Bereishis 1:6), it came to be. That is all you see, the word of Hashem. There are no trees… no people… no houses… nothing. There is only Hashem. He is the only One that has real being, as the Rambam says in the beginning of Hilchos Yesodai HaTorah. Hashem Elokim emes—He is the only true being. Hu levado emes—He is the only One that is true. All the rest in the world is only imagination. [See also: Sing, You Righteous, para. 470-476.] That is another meaning of Echad. In this manner, you can add another kavanah (“meditation”) every day in the word Echad. I gave you a few things to think about. When you finish with them see me for further homework….
I'm told, someone please correct me if I'm wrong, that in NS, those who are allowed to have an internet connection (for whatever reason) may have one, however, it may not be in their home, it may be in their neighbors home.
Be that as it may, my point was, and is, everyone is harping on "the internet" and not focusing on the other portion of his statement. Excitement for yiddishkeit. Filled with yiras shamayim. Where is discussion about that part of the equation? If that remains neglected, the "internet" will just be replaced by something else.
Naysberg, you are coming from exactly the same angle as DY, and essentially saying the same thing, just using an analogy instead. You are comparing children with loaded guns, who lack the maturity to use them properly, to particular adults who lack proper responsibility to use the internet. And your analogy would work when referring to those particular adults. My point is that adults can be responsible, attain the necessary skills to make the right decisions, and be in control. And for those adults, your analogy doesn't work at all. Whereas children generally cannot be trusted with guns, adults who are responsible, are. Children don't generally have the maturity to use a gun. But adults do. We generally trust adults with guns, unless they're lunatics. And adults also have the maturity to be able to use the internet properly. I am referring to mature adults in my post. And those tragic stories that DY posted are of adults who DIDN'T have that maturity and responsibility. Regarding children with the internet, OF COURSE it is unsafe to allow children unsupervised internet access, because they generally won't be able to understand why certain things are not good for them, and how much it can affect them. There will come a time when the children grow up, and will be able to learn those things, and it is very important that they do.
APY,
I actually posted a section of the brochure which deals with yiras shomayim, ut it hasn't (yet?) been approved. It's "an excerpt from Rabbi Avigdor Miller, zt’l, in a new, recently published book of his teachings: Rav Avigdor Miller On Emunah And Bitachon (Judaica Press in conjunction with the Simchas HaChaim Foundation)."
Possibly, the moderator on duty is scared of copyright issues, although I see no problem since the PDF of the brochure has been made publicly available (I've just copied, reformatted, and pasted).
Of course, yiras shomayim is the key here. The issue being discussed is how a yarei shomayim should act vis-à-vis internet access.
It's clear to me, from the words of Chaza"l, that a yarei shomayim is supposed to impose gedarim on himself to avoid sin, and not merely rely on his yiras shomayim.
MP,
Who determines which adults DO have the necessary maturity and responsibility to avoid the pitfalls of the web?
DY, very good points. Though I would say that in some circles, there most definitely IS a campaign to show that the internet is evil. And even in other circles where that isn't the campaign, we see a common human characteristic, which is shifting blame when we don't want to face an uncomfortable truth. For example, in many of those stories you posted about people who had made bad choices and didn't take control of their yetzer harahs, there are some lines that portray this idea:
For one of the stories, the title is "How the Internet ruined me financially". That title is very wrong. He HIMSELF ruined himself financially, by having a lack of maturity and responsibility, and the tool he used was the Internet.
In another story, here's the opening line: "Undoubtedly, we have all heard and read about the evils of the internet with its inherent pitfalls and dangers." The second part of the sentence might be true, but clearly, the first part, "the evils of the internet" is a warped way of looking at it. But later in the story, I was happy to see that the author wrote "I’d rather not detail the anguish that my family and I suffered because of my addiction." I'm glad he was able to openly say " because of my addiction" and not say "because of the internet".
In another story, here's a quote "Don’t let your family go to ruin because of the poisonous internet." In my mind, saying "the poisonous internet" is basically saying "the evil internet", and we both agree that saying that is something which isn't correct.
Now, here's a problem. You said "There's a campaign to educate (in some cases, in very forceful ways), that it's potentially dangerous, and must be treated as such." Now, the people who didn't yet know that internet can be potentially dangerous probably don't have the internet. So they are probably clueless about using the internet altogether, for good or bad. So "educating" them strongly about the dangers it contains will most definitely cause them to believe that the internet IS BAD.
If I grew up not knowing anything about guns, and then my parent told me that guns kill people, and said countless stories that show it, I will think that guns are completely evil. That is NOT proper education. Proper education is showing, yes, guns can be used for bad, but they do have a positive side as well (and in the case of guns, it is for self defense, so it's not exactly a good analogy), and showing the benefits of using a gun properly, and showing, and understanding, the downsides of using it improperly. That is real education.
I agree that we have a yetzer harah. That is the reality. But the reality is also that we have the ability to overcome it. And yes, you are most definitely right, having siyatta dishmayah is a key component in overcoming it. But we must make our OWN efforts, and yes, having filters is an effort, but a greater effort is to try to gain the maturity and responsibility to exercise self control. THAT is real effort. That shows Hashem that we are really trying, and in turn, Hashem will help us too in overcoming the grasp of the yetzer harah. But if we don't have the confidence to even try that, then we'll never get anywhere. So the confidence I speak of is, I don't think, misplaced, rather it is a goal. It may not be where we are holding now, but it where we should want to be.
About the nisayon aspect, you are right. I was very wrong in saying that it doesn't have to be a nisayon, because it IS a nisayon. I should have said "It doesn't have to be an insurmountable nisayon. It can be a nisayon that we are able to deal with." I think the reason I said that it doesn't have to be a nisayon is because that is how I have been able to live my life. I'm not sure if you are aware of my family issues, though I mentioned them on a few other threads, but suffice it to say that I went through, and continue to go through, extremely difficult situations because of my father.
And the main thing that has kept me going is realizing how the situation I was put in is really ideal for me and the best way for me to grow to my full potential. So I am using my "nisayon" in a way that shows that it really isn't the nisayon it seems to be. Rather, it is the best thing for me. Are there difficult times? Yes. But those difficulties continue to make me a better person. And I believe that is true with any nisayon. Yes, we shouldn't run after them, but if we do encounter them, we should realize that it is an opportunity for us to grow and become more holy. And this idea is in one of your posts:
"We must recognize this uniquely personal nisayon as a golden opportunity. Perhaps more than in any other area of our Torah-based lives, the internet gives us the opportunity to display our love for Hashem and our determination to fulfill His will.
Each time a Jew holds himself back from visiting a website that he knows is not appropriate, from one wrong click, he is acting out his pure love and fear of Hashem. It is a moment to be tapped in to; a moment that calls out for reflection and prayer.
We are declaring through our actions: 'Hashem, I am Your son! I love You and I want You to be proud of me! Help me overcome my yetzer hara, help me fulfill Your will!'"
And the skverre rebbe is saying that one who is filled with yiras shamayim is unlikely to fall victim of the internet. He implies strongly, that ingredient is missing.
Take away "the inernet", great, the nisayon will just manifest itself in some other way. I'm not into predictions and won't say what that might be, but someone who is not equipped to handle a nisayon, is not helped in the long term when his immediate nisayon is removed from him, the yetzer hara will simply find another for him. These are band aid solutions, and very good ones, but long term, a generation steeped in yiras shamayim will easily recognize a nisayon for what it is and deal with it. Of course there will always be individuals who do not or can not, but won't reach a tipping point where gedolim feel the need to fill citi field and address it.
The Skeverer Rebbe attended the asifa.
If people had proper yiras shomayim, they would take the proper precautions.
One who doesn't take appropriate precautions is not a yarei shomayim.
Little Anecdotes of Internet Victims
A businessman relates:
We once encountered a problem with our computers at the office. Everything began going ever so slowly and freezing. I needed to call an internet technician. His diagnosis was that a virus had entered through one computer and infected the entire network. He found the computer that had started it all, which belonged to a certain young man who had been working at the company for many years.
After taking care of the problem, he showed me the history of that computer, which included everything our employee had been up to. It emerged that this employee had been spending hours on countless websites that had no connection to his work duties. And I had only become aware of this after he had been working here for three years! (As an aside, according to the computer technician, the virus had entered the computer through one of the decadent websites.)
I was surprised that I hadn’t caught onto it earlier, and I couldn’t even say that I would’ve guessed it from the young man’s demeanor. I had never even suspected him. I immediately summoned the culprit and summarily informed him that he was no longer welcome to work at our office. I also told him that he might want to ask a Rav if he wasn’t required to compensate us for the many hours he stole from the business. He broke down, crying and pleading with me to give him another chance. I did not have the heart to refuse him, and I agreed to give him another chance. But I immediately limited his internet access by creating a whitelist, which only allowed him access to specific, preapproved sites. I only regret that I hadn’t done it three years earlier.
In my mind, saying "the poisonous internet" is basically saying "the evil internet"
I disagree. Poison also has it's positive uses. Which is why it's a powerful metaphor.
So the confidence I speak of is, I don't think, misplaced, rather it is a goal. It may not be where we are holding now, but it where we should want to be.
Dovid Hamelech had that goal, but failed his test. We are to take a lesson from him that this is not where our avodas Hashem is. Our job is to avoid nisayon wherever possible, and, yes, build ourselves so that the nisyonos which will inevitably come will be conquerable.
Yes, we shouldn't run after them, but if we do encounter them, we should realize that it is an opportunity for us to grow and become more holy.
I think in this paragraph you said it better than I did.
In my view, the Citifield asifa, the directives issued, and all of the follow up is directed at the first line in that paragraph.
For all practical purposes, based on human nature, allowing oneself such free and easy access to the temptations available on the internet is running after nisyonos. In the scheme of things, a filter, or refraining from an internet connection altogether, is merely a tool. But the magnitude of the problem, with lo aleinu thousands of "korbonos", necessitated that a spotlight be shone on this tool.
DY, regardless of the technical definition of "poisonous", I doubt the author had that in mind. As for the rest of what you said, we both agree that trying to avoid nisyonos, when we can, is a good thing. But we obviously just disagree on whether the internet is an "avoidable" nisayon. I say it's not, and therefore, we must properly educate ourselves on how to deal with it. You obviously think it is. And again, for what feels like the 5th or 6th time, I think filters are a good thing, you don't need to convince me of that. And quite honestly, I feel that I don't need to say anything more because just about every point I've made in my previous post holds ground. And you've made some great points as well. So that's all that needs to be said. Thank you for this discussion.
Just one question though: Something that I quoted in my last post from one of your posts seems to be something that you would vehemently argue with, and so I wonder what you think of it. Here's the quote:
"We must recognize this uniquely personal nisayon as a golden opportunity. Perhaps more than in any other area of our Torah-based lives, the internet gives us the opportunity to display our love for Hashem and our determination to fulfill His will.
Each time a Jew holds himself back from visiting a website that he knows is not appropriate, from one wrong click, he is acting out his pure love and fear of Hashem. It is a moment to be tapped in to; a moment that calls out for reflection and prayer.
We are declaring through our actions: 'Hashem, I am Your son! I love You and I want You to be proud of me! Help me overcome my yetzer hara, help me fulfill Your will!'"
Obviously, you believe that doing the above in wrong, because it's wrong to put ourselves into such a situation altogether. Yet it is part of the same brochure that was supposed to be handed out at the asifa.
Obviously, you believe that doing the above in wrong, because it's wrong to put ourselves into such a situation altogether.
Why is this more of a question on me than on you, since you also agree that a filter is important?
As far as I know, the brochure wasn't written by a Rishon, and it's pointless to try to make diyukim to "farenfer a shvere shtikel asifa kuntres" (although I could), but that statement is certainly true when one happens to find himself in such a predicament.
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