Many of us are getting upset about the judgemental attitude experienced on a number of threads.
We believe it is wrong and not middosdick.
WE RANT ABOUT IT AND DEMAND IT MUST STOP.
But it continues.
I believe we need to analyse and understand what’s causing us to be like that. We are not intentionally going against Torah, so what’s happening?
I discovered a book "Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life" that tackles this problem.
He gives these examples.
If my wife wants more affection than I`m giving her, she is "needy and dependent." But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is "aloof and insensitive".
If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is "picky and compulsive”. On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is "sloppy and disorganised."
He explains that the person is expressing his own values and needs "without being aware of it." He is hiding them from the other person.
THAT CAUSES HIM TO JUDGE.
He needs to learn and be willing to consciously be aware of his values and needs. Then he will be willing to consider that others may have different ones than his.
THEN HE WILL NOT HAVE THE URGE TO JUDGE
So if my wife wants more affection than I’m giving her, I am prepared to contemplate that maybe her needs are different than mine.
If I want more affection than she is giving me, I will attempt to explain to her what my needs are all about as she may not be aware of the difference.
This will only work if each one wants to give to the other what they need. If the basis of their marriage is LOVE OF RECEIVING then I will not be interested in finding out the difference between mine and the other ones needs. Even if I am made aware of them, I will not want to change myself for the sake of the other(which is what GIVING is all about).