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I’ve learned a lot about psychology and good chinuch and one thing that really helps is positive reinforcement to encourage growth. Of course, it’s easy to just the notice the negative and overlook the positive. But if we want children to grow and keep growing, we need to encourage that in a positive way. By rewarding, with our love, their good effort, it encourages them to continue their good efforts.
Brings back memories of my essay on my SAT’s… Just wondering, why are you limiting it to rewarding with our love? For most people, especially kids, physical rewards will encourage them as well, if not even more than something not physically tangible.
physical rewards will encourage them as well, if not even more than something not physically tangible.
I agree that you could supplement the love but I think it is very wrong to say the physical rewards encourage more. Kids who get prizes from teachers who are not warm do not internalize the success the same as they do from teachers who give affection and pride.
A cool illustration of this – I ran a pre-school group and asked the teachers not to use “rewards” lichatchila. The children recieved praise and privileges and were very motivated. Sometimes I would give out treats and say, “the whole class is receiving this treat because of these 5 boys who had exceptional behavior this week (or day, or morning)”. Even though everyone got a treat, the other kids also wanted to be the ‘reason’ for the treat.
Yes, when my kid does well in school I scratch him behind the ears.
PBA: Ooooh, cool, you have a pet goat?
And silly me, I thought obedience school was just for dogs…
Elementary school grades are worthless. Therefore, I plan to encourage my kids to do poorly in school.
Then, when they become teenagers, and it becomes important for them to do well to get into college, they’ll do well in order to rebel against me, and they’ll get into good colleges and fine jobs.
Writersoul: exactly, thank you for undrestanding my point. I don’t believe in manipulating kids into doing things regardless of that it is for a good purpose.
You should speak positively because you are yourself a positive person and actually see people that way-not because it “works”. Obedience school is for dogs.
PBA: Okay, taavah’s too big, I’m going to take credit for that one :)… but especially because it’s true. Working over the summer in a camp for special needs kids with a big focus on life skills, we gave positive reinforcement, but it was REAL positive reinforcement because we were thrilled when a girl did the right thing. If someone had said, okay, if Shprintzy hits Yenty you should give her positive reinforcement, that just wouldn’t happen. When a girl got up from the table right away after dinner, or participated in an activity, or davened well, it was a great feeling for us and the point was to make sure that that great feeling washed over them as well. If you can’t give positive reinforcement as a natural consequence of the right thing, as an outgrowth of your happiness that your beloved child/student did the right thing, then that’s a problem.
I actually have a teacher who is eerily fond of giving us articles all about how too much praise is bad for students and how the ones who barely received any positive reinforcement were more successful. REALLY fun to read…
streekgeek- im taking a psychology course right now and we just learned about this topic! As much as tangible rewards seem great in the present, the excitement for them dissipate much quicker than the feeling one gets from knowing something like love from a parent or friend is always there. An intanigble reward is a much stronger reinforcer in any situation. But that should not disregard physcial rewards. There should be, but they should not dominate, otherwise you cannot be sure if a child will be doing something just for the reward or mainly because he loves it.
it’s not manipulating kids to do things, it’s teaching them that they are worthwhile and appreciated. And when they set an example of middos tovos they deserve recognition. I couldn’t care less about grades, when I say ‘do well in school’ I mean in regard to following Hashem’s path.
Why are we apologizing for chinuch? Or parenting? Of course it’s our responsibility to teach our children/students! Yes, and when a kids bentches nicely, we should reward him! Or, as the OP says, praise him! And when a child doesn’t want to go to sleep at night, yes, make a chart for every night he goes to sleep on time he gets a smiley and ten smileys is a prize.
funnybone: the point is, don’t do it on purpose, or with a goal in mind. Do it automatically and instinctively because you really ARE thrilled and proud.
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