The Pun Thread

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  • #595381

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    There’s a JOKES thread; why not lets start a pun thread!

  • #1098825

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Stealing someone’s coffee is called ‘mugging’.

  • #1098826

    Obelix
    Member

    I get my large circumference from too much pi.

  • #1098827

    At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

    Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

    He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

  • #1098828

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

  • #1098829

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A man jumped off a bridge in Paris; he was in Seine

  • #1098830

    coffee addict
    Participant

    Yaaaaaaaay!

    My dream finally came true, a pun thread!

    people the yeshiva world over will say it was a stitch in time

    now it’s an oPUN and shut case!

  • #1098831

    yossi z.
    Member

    Gummy bear what did you do? You have unleashed the PUNniness of all the cornys out here with an EAR for ROWS of GRAINS

    Now where is shticky guy?

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

  • #1098832

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

  • #1098833

    coffee addict
    Participant

    yes yossi,

    I hope people like corn,

    speaking of which wheres the best place to get corn?

    the corner drugstore!

    :p> mbachur <d:

  • #1098834

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    The poor guy’s whole left side was cut off but don’t worry;

    He’s all right now.

  • #1098835

    coffee addict
    Participant

    gummy maybe he can be a football player!

    then he can get his halfback

  • #1098836

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    Don’t hit your head on the chandelier; you’ll become lightheaded.

  • #1098837

    smartcookie
    Member

    Thanks for starting this thread! It is SEW entertaining!

  • #1098838

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    What do you call a meat thief? A hamburglar (from Shluffy Bokervekker).

  • #1098839

    toomuch00
    Member

    A good pun is its own reword.

    Larry said “you remind me of a pepper pot” i said “ill take that as a condiment”

  • #1098840

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    Smartcookie, you had me in stitches. Sew far, yours was the best pun in the whole thread.

  • #1098841

    oomis
    Member

    A short fraudulent psychic was on the lam. The news media reported him as a “Small medium at large.”

  • #1098842

    what do you call a guy who sells shoes all by himself? A sole trader

  • #1098843

    Poster
    Member

    How is his new store doing? It’s not your business…

  • #1098844

    coffee addict
    Participant

    I told this to my brother in law when his sister (my sister in law) had a baby

    It’s just an Adar (another) baby

    :p> mbachur <d:

  • #1098845

    RabbiRabin
    Member

    Pinskei Tshuvos

    1. What did the thirty-six hidden Tzaddikim call their Basketball team? Lamed-vav Knicks

    2. What does one call the son-in-law of a Chassidish Meshulach? Collectors Eidim

    3. What do you call a Chassidic Master who has no organization to collect for? Rebbe Without a Cause

  • #1098846

    usbaers
    Member

    “You don’t like my beard? Why doesn’t this hair hirsute you?”

    (One of my father’s favorites.)

  • #1098847

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    mbachur: Mazal Tov on your new niece! 🙂

  • #1098848

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  • #1098849

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Police backup was called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

  • #1098850

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    The worm fell off his hook, but he went on fishing unabated

  • #1098851

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Drink driving is a whiskey business.

  • #1098852

    coffee addict
    Participant

    thank you Gummy,

    two robber broke into two factories: morton salt company and duracell,

    they were charged with A Salt and Battery

  • #1098853

    gummy bear thats my fsvorite one

  • #1098854

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    Gummy Bear I think chayav means that’s the spirit!!

    Two guys were arrested for acting suspiciously last night. Turns out they’re both delusional; one thinks he’s a battery and the other is convinced he’s a firework. Police say they have decided to charge one and let the other one off.

  • #1098855

    smartcookie
    Member

    Thanks, Daas Yochid! We really are having so much PUN!

  • #1098856

    Phyllis
    Member

    Did you hear the joke about the jumprope? skip it…

    Did you hear the joke about the pencil? It has no point

    Did you hear the joke about the watermelon? It’s the pits!

    “These buns are raw,” she said frankly.

  • #1098857

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

    No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

    My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

    I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

    I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

    Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

    Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

    Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    Without geometry, life is pointless.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

    Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

    When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

    If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?

    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

  • #1098858

    Shticky guy- I was waiting for you to get involved this is your specialty.

  • #1098859

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    No my speciality is really limericks but nobody posts limericks any more (sob, sob, sniff) so i’ve stopped there for the moment. So I’ll post here cos though limericks are closed for me, here is still o-pun.

    From Kernel-In-Chief,

    Lieutenant Kernel Shticky

  • #1098860

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    I took a blood test and got an A-.

    When the students in cosmetology school failed their exam, they had to take a make-up test.

  • #1098861

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    From Shluffy again: What brocha do you say on burnt hamburger? Charcoal nih’ye bidvaro.

  • #1098862

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    The chosson had promised the kallah her own slave. When he turned out to be a midget, she went to the dayan. He paskened that even though, technically, he fulfilled his obligation, it was a little bitty eved.

  • #1098863

    Imanonov
    Participant

    There was this young couple who were happily engaged, but when she found out that he had a wooden leg she broke it off.

  • #1098864

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray,

    He is now a seasoned veteran

  • #1098865

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    After working for 24 hours straight, he decided to call it a day…

  • #1098866

    coffee addict
    Participant

    whenever someone asks you “whats up?” tell them “the ceiling” or “lights” or call them an apikores (the mishna in Chagigah says these four things shouldn’t be asked one of them being what’s above the world (or in other words “what’s up”)

    Whenever someone asks you “what’s going on?” tell them “lights” or “cars”

    :p> mbachur <d:

  • #1098867

    yoyo56
    Member

    ha ha ha very corny dont forget to make a bory pri hadama

  • #1098870

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

  • #1098871

    coffee addict
    Participant

    Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and the quaker oatmeal guy are all in hiding.

    A CEREAL KILLER is on the loose

  • #1098872

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A man was driving on an icy, abandoned road when he noticed a road sign with half of it torn clean off. ‘That’s a bad sign’ he thought to himself 🙁

  • #1098873

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees.

  • #1098874

    coffee addict
    Participant

    lol Gummy

  • #1098875

    smartcookie
    Member

    Mbachur- those puns were awesome!

    Daas- I luv the slave one. Did you MASTER it all by youself?

  • #1098876

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    Adon know what you mean, smartcookie.

  • #1098877

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

  • #1098878

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

  • #1098879

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren’t idiots. That would be stereotyping.

  • #1098880

    a few days after beethoven died, someone went into his crypt.

    there was beethoven, erasing all his symphonies.

    the intruder said: “what are you doing?”

    beethoven answered: “decomposing”

  • #1098881

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Moderator-80: Pls can I have a subtitle?

  • #1098882

    what subtitle do you want?

    but i have to leave for a few hrs right now

  • #1098883

    always here
    Participant

    these puns are hysterical & clever… I enjoy them sooo much!!

    anytime someone posts that they’re feelin’ down, they really should be sent to this thread (like someone suggested on another thread once already).

    kudos, y’all!! 😀

  • #1098884

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Yummy Yummy Yummy Yummy Gummy Bear

    or anything you like…

    Thanks For Responding.

  • #1098886

    I was learning how to be a carpenter and I was great at it in fact my teacher said I hit the nail on the head.

  • #1098887

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.

  • #1098888

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    I got really angry when my cell phone battery died.

    …My counselor suggested I find an outlet.

  • #1098889

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    How do you make antifreeze?

    Steal her blanket.

  • #1098890

    ZeesKite
    Participant

    I don’t get it. (If not clean please Del)

  • #1098891

    Obelix
    Member

    ZeesKite: Which one don’t u get? pls specify.

  • #1098892

    ZeesKite
    Participant

    Last.

  • #1098893

    Obelix
    Member

    How do you make Aunty Freeze?

    Steal her blanket…

    Keep up the good work gummy b.

  • #1098894

    ZeesKite
    Participant

    ty

    (told you I was s l o w)

  • #1098895

    Obelix
    Member

    Not slow, just o v e r t i r e d

    🙂

  • #1098896

    ZeesKite
    Participant

    Forgot that excuse!

  • #1098897

    deiyezooger
    Member

    Q: Why didn’t the pony talk? A: He was a little hoarse.

  • #1098898

    coffee addict
    Participant

    every time I’m tired i always say i’m a bicycle (two tired)

    :p> mbachur <d:

  • #1098899

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

    which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ….. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…..

    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  • #1098900

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    The two jungle tribes were constantly feuding. One tribesman, in the middle of the night, stole the ornate royal chair of the rival chief. When he brought it back to his tribe, he and his fellow tribesmen had to figure out how to store it in a place where their rivals would never find it. They decide on a novel idea; build a second story on their chief’s hut. This was an innovation; never had a straw hut had a second floor. Triumph turned to tragedy, however, when the upper floor collapsed, killing their chief. The tribesmen learned a valuable lesson:

    PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULD NEVER STOW THRONES!

  • #1098901

    Its been a cold winter; now summer’s coming, the trees will be releaved

  • #1098902

    coffee addict
    Participant

    whenever im sick i say “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired”

    :p> mbachur <d:

  • #1098903

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    My car iz (sic) and tired.

  • #1098904

    smartcookie
    Member

    DY- tired and exhausted!

  • #1098905

    yossi z.
    Member

    Shticky guy: LOLZ!!!! She’ain kamohu!

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

  • #1098906

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    sc,

    We’re wheely having pun on this tread.

  • #1098907

    Ad Dilo Yada
    Participant

    What do you call a piano down the mail chute? a miner(minor)

  • #1098908

    coffee addict
    Participant

    what happens when Pesach falls on Purim?

    You rush him to the hospital!

  • #1098909

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    When I asked a local volunteer paramedic how he could drink on Purim, he told me “Revach V’Hatzalah ya’amod la’Yehudim mimakom acher.”

  • #1098910

    blinky
    Participant

    When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

    The batteries were given out free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    with her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

    You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

    If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

    In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

    Acupuncture: a jab well done.

  • #1098911

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.

  • #1098912

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

    Khakis: What you need to start the car.

    Pasteurize: Too far to see.

    Alarms: What an octopus is.

    Think!

  • #1098913

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    On a divorce lawyer’s wall:

    “Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.”

  • #1098914

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    6. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    9. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

    10. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    11. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.

    12. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eyed deer.

  • #1098915

    Some of these are screamingly baaaad!!!

    …which is why I’m sending them to my friends 😉

  • #1098916

    smartcookie
    Member

    LOL! I like the deer ones. (They’re so “deer” to me :P)

  • #1098917

    henry stein commits a murder and doesnt even try to cover it up

    instead he goes into his newly invented time machine and steps out years later, after the statute of limitations is up.

    they are waiting for him and the case eventually comes before the supreme court.

    the judges decision, letting him off is written:

    “A niche in time saves stein.”

    basically from a short story by isaac asimov called “a loint of paw”

  • #1098918

    coffee addict
    Participant

    smartcookie,

    I never thought you were a doe nut

  • #1098919

    After being in the mafia for 30 years as a hit-man, Artie decides it is time to stop. Joe, a good friend of Artie, asks him to get rid of 3 guys who have been causing him problems. Artie says that since Joe is such a good friend he will do it as his last mission and will only charge Joe $1. Joe tells Artie that these men meet at the fruit store on Wednesdays at 3:00. Artie decides he will not shoot them because it will make too much of a scene rather he decides to strangle them and dump their bodies near by. On Wednesday Artie goes to the fruit store and waits for the men. The men arrive and Artie scans the area for other people. The area is clear and Artie makes his move. Everything goes fine but as he is leaving the scene he notices a person who was standing nearby who saw the whole thing. Artie runs home and is later arrested. The headlines of the paper the next day were:

    ARTIE-CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT THE FRUIT STORE

  • #1098920

    smartcookie
    Member

    LOL Mbachur do nut even think so for a hole second!

  • #1098921

    Poster
    Member

    onegoal – Super!

    These puns are amazing!

  • #1098922

    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    Has anyone mentioned the butcher who slipped and fell backward into his slicing machine?

    He got a little behind in his work.

  • #1098923

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    How’s the guy who fell into the blender while making pancakes?

    Batter.

  • #1098924

    DaasYochid
    Participant

    And the jewelry saleslady whose head is directly connected to her shoulders?

    She’s necklace.

  • #1098925

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    I’m inclined to be laid back.

  • #1098926

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    Gotta Love my Drug Dealer’s new automated phone service. I just called up and it says “If you want to buy Marijuana press the Hash key”

  • #1098927

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

  • #1098928

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

  • #1098929

    observanteen
    Member

    Gummy: ROTFL!!!! Where’d you GET ’em???

  • #1098930

    brotherofurs
    Participant

    you PARK your car in a DRIVEway but DRIVE on a street called a PARKway

  • #1098931

    dancinggirl
    Member

    okay, this is not a pun but i love it

    Due to the recession, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off….:)

  • #1098932

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    This thread is hilarious!

    Puns for Educated Minds

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for

    littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the Capital wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

    seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18.In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

    21.A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

    stewardess looked at him and said, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

    23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The

    other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/good-jokes/page/21#post-307694

  • #1098933

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    Oh I so did not want to post here when I saw that am yisrael chai was the last poster. Why remove his name from the last poster column. But here goes:

    I used to think very highly of russian dolls, but now I think they are very full of themselves.

  • #1098934

    blinky
    Participant

    7 days without G-d makes us “weak”

    Sin day

    Mourn day

    Tears day

    Waste day

    Thirst day

    Shatter day

    🙂

  • #1098935

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Blinky very sweet but you only wrote 6 of the days of the week. The one you missed out you could have called Frei day (as in a frei yid)

  • #1098936

    blinky
    Participant

    Whoops, thanx for catching my “weak”ness!

    Its Fight day

  • #1098938

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    If a judge likes the sound of his own voice you can expect a long sentence

    Dalmation dogs were first spotted in 1763

    I’m reading a book on anti gravity force. I just cant put it down

    Police were called to a day care where a 3 year old was resisting a rest

    I could not remember how to throw a boomerang successfully. Eventually it came back to me

    Accupuncture is a jab well done

    The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now completely recovered

  • #1098939

    Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Choni hamaagel slept for one hundred years. The rest, they say, is history.

  • #1098940

    did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?she got fired cause she couldnt control her pupils!

  • #1098941

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    The inventor of the ballet skirt was

    struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together.

    How long does it take to shoot an apple off someone’s head with a bow and arrow?

    Time Will Tell.

  • #1098942

    yekke2
    Participant

    When i backed into the meat grinder yesterday at my butcher shop, I got a little behind in my work!

  • #1098943

    yekke2
    Participant

    9. A hole has been found in the Capital wall. The police are looking into it.

    Whoever wrote it — nice change. I saw the original!

  • #1098944

    Shticky Guy
    Member

    If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster

    It’s a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you

    No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation

    The indecisive rower couldn’t choose

    either oar

    A cardboard belt would be a waist of

    paper

    If you wear a blindfold at the shooting

    range, you won’t know what you’re

    missing

    Old colanders never die, they just

    can’t take the strain anymore

    I dropped out of my communism

    class because of lousy Marx

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like

    a banana

    My new theory on inertia doesn’t

    seem to be gaining momentum

    It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

    Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive

    Henceforth, cannibalistic Jews shall

    be referred to as “The Snackabees”

    I usually take steps to avoid elevators

    The royal pharmacist wore a tuxedo

    and dispensed with formality

    I got a gold filling and put my money

    where my mouth is

  • #1098945

    She wears a size 16 because she just ate and ate.

    The woman kept her purse open because she heard there would be some change in the weather.

    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “So what’s with the long face?”

    I hear this new cemetery is very popular. People are just dying to get in.

    The actor playing the astronaut was killed by a shooting star.

    Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

  • #1098946

    WIY
    Member

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

    Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

    I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

    Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

  • #1098947

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

    Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

    I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

    When chemists die, apparently they barium.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    Why were the Indians able to settle in North America first? They had reservations.

    We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

    I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro – what a rip off!

  • #1098948

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    During the war, my grandfather refused to fight in windy countries. He was a draft dodger.

    I’m often asked what makes a good tongue-twister. Well, it’s hard to say.

    If you want to work for a company that makes moisturizer, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

    I thought my friend would be mad when I switched his Chapstick with my glue stick. But so far he hasn’t said a word.

    My psychologist thinks I have a superiority complex, but I’m better than that.

  • #1098949

    oomis
    Member

    Ken Zayn, those were a hoot.

  • #1098950

    WIY
    Member

    “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?” – “Because it was two tired”

    A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

  • #1098951

    Git Meshige
    Participant

    Geremany was Hungry had a little Turkey, slipped on some Greace and broke a little China

  • #1098952

    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

    little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered

    from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s

    good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  • #1098953

    showjoe
    Member

    ???

    One day the Duchess of Bialy woke up and decided that more than anything in the world, she wanted to be a cauliflower. She went to the royal witch and said “turn me into a cauliflower!”. The witch, who understood this deep need to be a cauliflower, nodded solemnly and said she would do it, but that the Duchess should know once she was transformed there was no returning to human form.

    “That’s fine by me!” said the Duchess..for she really truly wanted to be a cauliflower.

    There was a poof! and the Duchess was changed.

    One day this cauliflower is walking down the street and sees a young boy standing in the middle of the road and he is completely oblivious to a giant truck speeding right towards him. The cauliflower leaps to the boy’s rescue, scoops him up, deposits him safely next to his panicked mother, and then runs away.

    The boy looks up at his mother in shock and awe and asks “Mom, who was that?!”

    “Don’t you know my son?” she replied, “That was super cauliflower ex-Bialy Duchess”.

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