February 28, 2011 2:27 am at 2:27 am #595381
There’s a JOKES thread; why not lets start a pun thread!
February 28, 2011 2:32 am at 2:32 am #1098825
Stealing someone’s coffee is called ‘mugging’.
February 28, 2011 2:34 am at 2:34 am #1098826
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
February 28, 2011 2:37 am at 2:37 am #1098827
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
February 28, 2011 2:40 am at 2:40 am #1098828
A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
February 28, 2011 2:43 am at 2:43 am #1098829
A man jumped off a bridge in Paris; he was in Seine
February 28, 2011 2:43 am at 2:43 am #1098830
My dream finally came true, a pun thread!
people the yeshiva world over will say it was a stitch in time
now it’s an oPUN and shut case!
February 28, 2011 2:55 am at 2:55 am #1098831
Gummy bear what did you do? You have unleashed the PUNniness of all the cornys out here with an EAR for ROWS of GRAINS
Now where is shticky guy?
😀 Zuberman! 😀
February 28, 2011 3:05 am at 3:05 am #1098832
It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
February 28, 2011 3:09 am at 3:09 am #1098833
I hope people like corn,
speaking of which wheres the best place to get corn?
the corner drugstore!
:p> mbachur <d:
February 28, 2011 3:09 am at 3:09 am #1098834
The poor guy’s whole left side was cut off but don’t worry;
He’s all right now.
February 28, 2011 3:27 am at 3:27 am #1098835
gummy maybe he can be a football player!
then he can get his halfback
February 28, 2011 3:28 am at 3:28 am #1098836
Don’t hit your head on the chandelier; you’ll become lightheaded.
February 28, 2011 3:33 am at 3:33 am #1098837
Thanks for starting this thread! It is SEW entertaining!
February 28, 2011 3:40 am at 3:40 am #1098838
What do you call a meat thief? A hamburglar (from Shluffy Bokervekker).
February 28, 2011 3:47 am at 3:47 am #1098839
A good pun is its own reword.
Larry said “you remind me of a pepper pot” i said “ill take that as a condiment”
February 28, 2011 4:32 am at 4:32 am #1098840
Smartcookie, you had me in stitches. Sew far, yours was the best pun in the whole thread.
February 28, 2011 5:13 am at 5:13 am #1098841
A short fraudulent psychic was on the lam. The news media reported him as a “Small medium at large.”
February 28, 2011 7:06 pm at 7:06 pm #1098842
Stamford Hilly BillyParticipant
what do you call a guy who sells shoes all by himself? A sole trader
February 28, 2011 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #1098843
How is his new store doing? It’s not your business…
February 28, 2011 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #1098844
I told this to my brother in law when his sister (my sister in law) had a baby
It’s just an Adar (another) baby
:p> mbachur <d:
February 28, 2011 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #1098845
1. What did the thirty-six hidden Tzaddikim call their Basketball team? Lamed-vav Knicks
2. What does one call the son-in-law of a Chassidish Meshulach? Collectors Eidim
3. What do you call a Chassidic Master who has no organization to collect for? Rebbe Without a Cause
February 28, 2011 8:12 pm at 8:12 pm #1098846
“You don’t like my beard? Why doesn’t this hair hirsute you?”
(One of my father’s favorites.)
February 28, 2011 10:04 pm at 10:04 pm #1098847
mbachur: Mazal Tov on your new niece! 🙂
February 28, 2011 10:10 pm at 10:10 pm #1098848
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
February 28, 2011 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #1098849
Police backup was called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
February 28, 2011 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #1098850
The worm fell off his hook, but he went on fishing unabated
February 28, 2011 10:20 pm at 10:20 pm #1098851
Drink driving is a whiskey business.
March 1, 2011 3:26 am at 3:26 am #1098852
thank you Gummy,
two robber broke into two factories: morton salt company and duracell,
they were charged with A Salt and Battery
March 1, 2011 5:04 am at 5:04 am #1098853
chayav inish livisumayMember
gummy bear thats my fsvorite one
March 1, 2011 9:45 am at 9:45 am #1098854
Gummy Bear I think chayav means that’s the spirit!!
Two guys were arrested for acting suspiciously last night. Turns out they’re both delusional; one thinks he’s a battery and the other is convinced he’s a firework. Police say they have decided to charge one and let the other one off.
March 1, 2011 12:28 pm at 12:28 pm #1098855
Thanks, Daas Yochid! We really are having so much PUN!
March 1, 2011 1:23 pm at 1:23 pm #1098856
Did you hear the joke about the jumprope? skip it…
Did you hear the joke about the pencil? It has no point
Did you hear the joke about the watermelon? It’s the pits!
“These buns are raw,” she said frankly.
March 1, 2011 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #1098857
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
March 1, 2011 5:57 pm at 5:57 pm #1098858
Shticky guy- I was waiting for you to get involved this is your specialty.
March 1, 2011 7:53 pm at 7:53 pm #1098859
No my speciality is really limericks but nobody posts limericks any more (sob, sob, sniff) so i’ve stopped there for the moment. So I’ll post here cos though limericks are closed for me, here is still o-pun.
Lieutenant Kernel Shticky
March 1, 2011 8:45 pm at 8:45 pm #1098860
I took a blood test and got an A-.
When the students in cosmetology school failed their exam, they had to take a make-up test.
March 1, 2011 8:46 pm at 8:46 pm #1098861
From Shluffy again: What brocha do you say on burnt hamburger? Charcoal nih’ye bidvaro.
March 1, 2011 8:51 pm at 8:51 pm #1098862
The chosson had promised the kallah her own slave. When he turned out to be a midget, she went to the dayan. He paskened that even though, technically, he fulfilled his obligation, it was a little bitty eved.
March 1, 2011 9:05 pm at 9:05 pm #1098863
There was this young couple who were happily engaged, but when she found out that he had a wooden leg she broke it off.
March 2, 2011 12:13 am at 12:13 am #1098864
A soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray,
He is now a seasoned veteran
March 2, 2011 12:16 am at 12:16 am #1098865
After working for 24 hours straight, he decided to call it a day…
March 2, 2011 12:55 am at 12:55 am #1098866
whenever someone asks you “whats up?” tell them “the ceiling” or “lights” or call them an apikores (the mishna in Chagigah says these four things shouldn’t be asked one of them being what’s above the world (or in other words “what’s up”)
Whenever someone asks you “what’s going on?” tell them “lights” or “cars”
:p> mbachur <d:
March 2, 2011 2:38 am at 2:38 am #1098867
ha ha ha very corny dont forget to make a bory pri hadama
March 2, 2011 3:07 am at 3:07 am #1098870
The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
March 2, 2011 3:18 am at 3:18 am #1098871
Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and the quaker oatmeal guy are all in hiding.
A CEREAL KILLER is on the loose
March 2, 2011 3:21 am at 3:21 am #1098872
A man was driving on an icy, abandoned road when he noticed a road sign with half of it torn clean off. ‘That’s a bad sign’ he thought to himself 🙁
March 2, 2011 3:30 am at 3:30 am #1098873
There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees.
March 2, 2011 3:33 am at 3:33 am #1098874
March 2, 2011 5:34 am at 5:34 am #1098875
Mbachur- those puns were awesome!
Daas- I luv the slave one. Did you MASTER it all by youself?
March 2, 2011 7:29 am at 7:29 am #1098876
Adon know what you mean, smartcookie.
March 2, 2011 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #1098877
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
March 2, 2011 8:27 pm at 8:27 pm #1098878
I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
March 2, 2011 8:28 pm at 8:28 pm #1098879
People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren’t idiots. That would be stereotyping.
March 2, 2011 8:34 pm at 8:34 pm #1098880
a few days after beethoven died, someone went into his crypt.
there was beethoven, erasing all his symphonies.
the intruder said: “what are you doing?”
beethoven answered: “decomposing”
March 2, 2011 8:44 pm at 8:44 pm #1098881
Moderator-80: Pls can I have a subtitle?
March 2, 2011 8:49 pm at 8:49 pm #1098882
what subtitle do you want?
but i have to leave for a few hrs right now
March 2, 2011 8:51 pm at 8:51 pm #1098883
these puns are hysterical & clever… I enjoy them sooo much!!
anytime someone posts that they’re feelin’ down, they really should be sent to this thread (like someone suggested on another thread once already).
kudos, y’all!! 😀
March 2, 2011 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm #1098884
Yummy Yummy Yummy Yummy Gummy Bear
or anything you like…
Thanks For Responding.
March 2, 2011 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #1098886
I was learning how to be a carpenter and I was great at it in fact my teacher said I hit the nail on the head.
March 3, 2011 12:49 am at 12:49 am #1098887
He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
March 3, 2011 12:56 am at 12:56 am #1098888
I got really angry when my cell phone battery died.
…My counselor suggested I find an outlet.
March 3, 2011 2:21 am at 2:21 am #1098889
How do you make antifreeze?
Steal her blanket.
March 3, 2011 2:37 am at 2:37 am #1098890
I don’t get it. (If not clean please Del)
March 3, 2011 2:44 am at 2:44 am #1098891
ZeesKite: Which one don’t u get? pls specify.
March 3, 2011 2:53 am at 2:53 am #1098892
March 3, 2011 2:57 am at 2:57 am #1098893
How do you make Aunty Freeze?
Steal her blanket…
Keep up the good work gummy b.
March 3, 2011 3:00 am at 3:00 am #1098894
(told you I was s l o w)
March 3, 2011 3:05 am at 3:05 am #1098895
Not slow, just o v e r t i r e d
March 3, 2011 3:14 am at 3:14 am #1098896
Forgot that excuse!
March 3, 2011 4:02 am at 4:02 am #1098897
Q: Why didn’t the pony talk? A: He was a little hoarse.
March 3, 2011 4:08 am at 4:08 am #1098898
every time I’m tired i always say i’m a bicycle (two tired)
:p> mbachur <d:
March 3, 2011 5:21 pm at 5:21 pm #1098899
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ….. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
March 3, 2011 6:36 pm at 6:36 pm #1098900
The two jungle tribes were constantly feuding. One tribesman, in the middle of the night, stole the ornate royal chair of the rival chief. When he brought it back to his tribe, he and his fellow tribesmen had to figure out how to store it in a place where their rivals would never find it. They decide on a novel idea; build a second story on their chief’s hut. This was an innovation; never had a straw hut had a second floor. Triumph turned to tragedy, however, when the upper floor collapsed, killing their chief. The tribesmen learned a valuable lesson:
PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULD NEVER STOW THRONES!
March 6, 2011 3:37 pm at 3:37 pm #1098901
Reb Shlomo CarlebachMember
Its been a cold winter; now summer’s coming, the trees will be releaved
March 6, 2011 7:45 pm at 7:45 pm #1098902
whenever im sick i say “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired”
:p> mbachur <d:
March 6, 2011 8:05 pm at 8:05 pm #1098903
My car iz (sic) and tired.
March 6, 2011 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #1098904
DY- tired and exhausted!
March 6, 2011 9:52 pm at 9:52 pm #1098905
Shticky guy: LOLZ!!!! She’ain kamohu!
😀 Zuberman! 😀
March 6, 2011 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #1098906
We’re wheely having pun on this tread.
March 6, 2011 11:27 pm at 11:27 pm #1098907
Ad Dilo YadaParticipant
What do you call a piano down the mail chute? a miner(minor)
March 7, 2011 2:47 am at 2:47 am #1098908
what happens when Pesach falls on Purim?
You rush him to the hospital!
March 7, 2011 5:11 am at 5:11 am #1098909
When I asked a local volunteer paramedic how he could drink on Purim, he told me “Revach V’Hatzalah ya’amod la’Yehudim mimakom acher.”
March 7, 2011 5:17 pm at 5:17 pm #1098910
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
with her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
March 7, 2011 6:55 pm at 6:55 pm #1098911
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
March 7, 2011 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #1098912
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
Khakis: What you need to start the car.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
March 7, 2011 11:50 pm at 11:50 pm #1098913
On a divorce lawyer’s wall:
“Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.”
March 9, 2011 11:39 am at 11:39 am #1098914
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
6. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
9. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
10. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
11. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.
12. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eyed deer.
March 9, 2011 1:41 pm at 1:41 pm #1098915
Some of these are screamingly baaaad!!!
…which is why I’m sending them to my friends 😉
March 9, 2011 3:47 pm at 3:47 pm #1098916
LOL! I like the deer ones. (They’re so “deer” to me :P)
March 9, 2011 5:50 pm at 5:50 pm #1098917
henry stein commits a murder and doesnt even try to cover it up
instead he goes into his newly invented time machine and steps out years later, after the statute of limitations is up.
they are waiting for him and the case eventually comes before the supreme court.
the judges decision, letting him off is written:
“A niche in time saves stein.”
basically from a short story by isaac asimov called “a loint of paw”
March 9, 2011 6:15 pm at 6:15 pm #1098918
I never thought you were a doe nut
March 9, 2011 6:17 pm at 6:17 pm #1098919
After being in the mafia for 30 years as a hit-man, Artie decides it is time to stop. Joe, a good friend of Artie, asks him to get rid of 3 guys who have been causing him problems. Artie says that since Joe is such a good friend he will do it as his last mission and will only charge Joe $1. Joe tells Artie that these men meet at the fruit store on Wednesdays at 3:00. Artie decides he will not shoot them because it will make too much of a scene rather he decides to strangle them and dump their bodies near by. On Wednesday Artie goes to the fruit store and waits for the men. The men arrive and Artie scans the area for other people. The area is clear and Artie makes his move. Everything goes fine but as he is leaving the scene he notices a person who was standing nearby who saw the whole thing. Artie runs home and is later arrested. The headlines of the paper the next day were:
ARTIE-CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT THE FRUIT STORE
March 9, 2011 7:55 pm at 7:55 pm #1098920
LOL Mbachur do nut even think so for a hole second!
March 9, 2011 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #1098921
onegoal – Super!
These puns are amazing!
March 9, 2011 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #1098922
Has anyone mentioned the butcher who slipped and fell backward into his slicing machine?
He got a little behind in his work.
March 9, 2011 9:36 pm at 9:36 pm #1098923
How’s the guy who fell into the blender while making pancakes?
March 9, 2011 9:39 pm at 9:39 pm #1098924
And the jewelry saleslady whose head is directly connected to her shoulders?
March 13, 2011 8:29 pm at 8:29 pm #1098925
I’m inclined to be laid back.
March 15, 2011 4:08 pm at 4:08 pm #1098926
Gotta Love my Drug Dealer’s new automated phone service. I just called up and it says “If you want to buy Marijuana press the Hash key”
March 23, 2011 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm #1098927
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.
March 23, 2011 10:38 pm at 10:38 pm #1098928
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
March 23, 2011 11:24 pm at 11:24 pm #1098929
Gummy: ROTFL!!!! Where’d you GET ’em???
March 24, 2011 3:06 am at 3:06 am #1098930
you PARK your car in a DRIVEway but DRIVE on a street called a PARKway
March 31, 2011 10:59 pm at 10:59 pm #1098931
okay, this is not a pun but i love it
Due to the recession, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off….:)
November 7, 2011 5:59 am at 5:59 am #1098932
am yisrael chaiParticipant
This thread is hilarious!
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the Capital wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18.In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .
21.A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looked at him and said, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The
other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
January 24, 2012 12:37 am at 12:37 am #1098933
Oh I so did not want to post here when I saw that am yisrael chai was the last poster. Why remove his name from the last poster column. But here goes:
I used to think very highly of russian dolls, but now I think they are very full of themselves.
January 24, 2012 9:40 pm at 9:40 pm #1098934
7 days without G-d makes us “weak”
January 29, 2012 11:02 am at 11:02 am #1098935
Blinky very sweet but you only wrote 6 of the days of the week. The one you missed out you could have called Frei day (as in a frei yid)
January 31, 2012 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #1098936
Whoops, thanx for catching my “weak”ness!
Its Fight day
May 6, 2012 7:36 am at 7:36 am #1098938
If a judge likes the sound of his own voice you can expect a long sentence
Dalmation dogs were first spotted in 1763
I’m reading a book on anti gravity force. I just cant put it down
Police were called to a day care where a 3 year old was resisting a rest
I could not remember how to throw a boomerang successfully. Eventually it came back to me
Accupuncture is a jab well done
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now completely recovered
May 6, 2012 2:51 pm at 2:51 pm #1098939
Choni hamaagel slept for one hundred years. The rest, they say, is history.
May 6, 2012 5:17 pm at 5:17 pm #1098940
did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?she got fired cause she couldnt control her pupils!
August 27, 2012 7:16 pm at 7:16 pm #1098941
The inventor of the ballet skirt was
struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together.
How long does it take to shoot an apple off someone’s head with a bow and arrow?
Time Will Tell.
August 29, 2012 1:18 pm at 1:18 pm #1098942
When i backed into the meat grinder yesterday at my butcher shop, I got a little behind in my work!
August 29, 2012 1:35 pm at 1:35 pm #1098943
9. A hole has been found in the Capital wall. The police are looking into it.
Whoever wrote it — nice change. I saw the original!
August 29, 2012 11:41 pm at 11:41 pm #1098944
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster
It’s a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation
The indecisive rower couldn’t choose
A cardboard belt would be a waist of
If you wear a blindfold at the shooting
range, you won’t know what you’re
Old colanders never die, they just
can’t take the strain anymore
I dropped out of my communism
class because of lousy Marx
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like
My new theory on inertia doesn’t
seem to be gaining momentum
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive
Henceforth, cannibalistic Jews shall
be referred to as “The Snackabees”
I usually take steps to avoid elevators
The royal pharmacist wore a tuxedo
and dispensed with formality
I got a gold filling and put my money
where my mouth is
September 13, 2012 3:24 pm at 3:24 pm #1098945
frummy in the tummyMember
She wears a size 16 because she just ate and ate.
The woman kept her purse open because she heard there would be some change in the weather.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “So what’s with the long face?”
I hear this new cemetery is very popular. People are just dying to get in.
The actor playing the astronaut was killed by a shooting star.
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
September 13, 2012 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #1098946
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
December 14, 2012 10:38 am at 10:38 am #1098947
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians able to settle in North America first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
January 23, 2013 9:55 pm at 9:55 pm #1098948
During the war, my grandfather refused to fight in windy countries. He was a draft dodger.
I’m often asked what makes a good tongue-twister. Well, it’s hard to say.
If you want to work for a company that makes moisturizer, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
I thought my friend would be mad when I switched his Chapstick with my glue stick. But so far he hasn’t said a word.
My psychologist thinks I have a superiority complex, but I’m better than that.
January 24, 2013 2:21 am at 2:21 am #1098949
Ken Zayn, those were a hoot.
February 26, 2013 1:28 am at 1:28 am #1098950
“Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?” – “Because it was two tired”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
February 26, 2013 2:36 am at 2:36 am #1098951
Geremany was Hungry had a little Turkey, slipped on some Greace and broke a little China
September 3, 2015 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #1098952
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s
good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
September 4, 2015 9:49 pm at 9:49 pm #1098953
One day the Duchess of Bialy woke up and decided that more than anything in the world, she wanted to be a cauliflower. She went to the royal witch and said “turn me into a cauliflower!”. The witch, who understood this deep need to be a cauliflower, nodded solemnly and said she would do it, but that the Duchess should know once she was transformed there was no returning to human form.
“That’s fine by me!” said the Duchess..for she really truly wanted to be a cauliflower.
There was a poof! and the Duchess was changed.
One day this cauliflower is walking down the street and sees a young boy standing in the middle of the road and he is completely oblivious to a giant truck speeding right towards him. The cauliflower leaps to the boy’s rescue, scoops him up, deposits him safely next to his panicked mother, and then runs away.
The boy looks up at his mother in shock and awe and asks “Mom, who was that?!”
“Don’t you know my son?” she replied, “That was super cauliflower ex-Bialy Duchess”.
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