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SHEVA BROCHOS JOKES/GOOD LINES

(25 posts)
  • Started 2 years ago by my opinion
  • Latest reply from funnybone

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  1. my opinion
    Member

    I am also looking for something to say at a siblings sheva brochos. Athough, unlike last poster, I am not looking for a dvar torah, that I will come up with on my own. I was wondering if anyone had any ideas of good lines/jokes to say. Something that will make people laugh. Everything will be appreciated.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  2. zen3344
    Member

    How about this:

    Mazel tov to the chosson and kallah! Just a few pieces of wisdom that were told to me over the years:

    First, a man is not complete until he is married. Then, he's FINISHED!

    Second, a man does not know true happiness until he is married. And then, it's too late!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  3. MDG
    Member

    "First, a man is not complete until he is married. Then, he's FINISHED!"

    That's why the bride is called a Kalla, from the Lashon of VaYichulu - when Hashem finished the earth.

    That is also why the groom wears a burial shroud called a kittel - from the same lashon of Bar Ketalla - sentenced to death.

    Marriage is more that a word; it is a sentence.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  4. oomis
    Best Bubby EVER

    As long as she is a kallah and not a killeh.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  5. simcha613
    Member

    Marriage is a three ring circus- engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

    Posted 2 years ago #
  6. my opinion
    Member

    Thanks for the ideas. Anything a little bit less solemn?

    Posted 2 years ago #
  7. bpt
    never caustic

    How about this:

    A wife will give you a taste of what Olam Haboh is like :)
    A shivgger will give you a taste of what Gehenom is like :(

    Posted 2 years ago #
  8. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    True story:
    Right before a friend of mine walked down the chuppa, he turned to a rebbi nearby and asked "please rebbi, do you have some last minute advise or words of wisdom before I get married?"
    His rebbi, who has a great sense of humor, was put on the spot, neverthess answered,
    "Marrige is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious 'til you take a bite out of it!"
    And with that, he was whisked by his parents down to the chuppa. LOL!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  9. outoftownjew
    Member

    A message to the chasan: Remember when you stomped on the glass under the chupah? Well that was the last time you will put your foot down in your marriage.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  10. outoftownjew
    Member

    Another message to the chasan: Do you know the two most important words in marriage?? Yes, Dear!!!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  11. Marriage in Judaism is holy, not something to make fun of.

    Why are nasty jokes necessary?

    Posted 2 years ago #
  12. Feif Un
    Proud Modern Orthodox

    I was once asked to speak at a friend's Sheva Brachos on about 3 minutes notice. I had no divrei Torah to say, and had nothing prepared. So I got up and said the following (with made up names for the couple):

    "I'm sure by now we all know that Avi and Sarah are absolutely perfect. Every speaker has praised them and told us how they've never done anything wrong. Well, guess what: it's not true! As much as we like to pretend during this week, let's face facts: they're not perfect! In fact, I can tell you stories about Avi... (pause for a moment)... but I don't think I will. I don't know Sarah well enough yet, but I'm sure she's not perfect either (nothing personal, Sarah - nobody is perfect!)

    So what do we do with our imperfect couple? Am I wrong for pointing this out? No! Their imperfections are a fantastic thing! After all, your spouse is supposed to complete you. Where one isn't perfect, and is lacking, the other one fills in. That's how they complete each other. They complement each other, and support each other when one is lacking. This is the basis of marriage, and only like this can a bayis ne'eman be built.

    My bracha is that they should be able to help each other, to lean on each other, and to complete each other, and in this way, build a bayis ne'eman b'Yisrael."

    So I started off seeming like I was teasing them, then turned it around.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  13. cherrybim
    Member

    Jokes are necessary because marriage is wonderful but tough and in order for it to be successful, you need to work at it every day. Just like you must be b'simcha in order to be a frum Yid; so to with marriage, you need a sense of humor.
    -------
    "Another message to the chasan: Do you know the two most important words in marriage?? Yes, Dear!!!"

    Or, I always have the last word; "Yes Dear".
    ---------
    Why is marriage like taking a hot bath?
    Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  14. shtusim
    Member

    there are three rings in marraige
    engagement ring
    wedding ring
    SUFFER RING

    Posted 2 years ago #
  15. BaalHabooze
    On the rocks

    Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
    ---------------------------------------------
    In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
    ---------------------------------------------

    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
    ---------------------------------------------

    A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
    ---------------------------------------------

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
    ---------------------------------------------

    Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up

    Posted 2 years ago #
  16. Patri
    Joseph

    Another message to the Kallah: Do you know the two most important words in marriage?? Yes, Dear!!!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  17. Aishes Chayil
    Member

    1.A kallah normally goes to the Koisel several times before she gets married. Why? She has to get used to talking to a wall!! lol

    There was a story about an older Bochur who was looking for a shidduch .
    Its brought down if you have a bad wife, you go straight to Gan Eden. He asked a shedchan to get him a real witch! He would like to secure his plaCe in GE.
    The shadchan called him back a while later and told him that she found the perfect girl. She will make his life miserable guaranteed.
    Fine, they married and it turned out that she was soooooo nice.
    Always prepared beautiful sumptuos meals. She really tried to please him in every way.
    The man approached the shadchan very disappointed. 'I aksed for a witch, and you gave me an angle!' he exclaimed.
    The shadchan went back to the wife and asked her for an explanation. She had always had a name for being so mean. What happened.
    Without hesitation, the wife replied, 'YOU REALLY THINK I FARGIN HIM GAN EDEDN,,,,??????'

    Posted 2 years ago #
  18. my opinion
    Member

    thanks for all your ideas. any more??

    Posted 2 years ago #
  19. cherrybim
    Member

    BaalHabooze: Good Ones!

    Aishes Chayil: I heard a much longer version of that story (from my Rov); thanks, it's great.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  20. bpt
    never caustic

    BaalHabooze - Soap bar and year 3 = very funny!
    Cherrybim - hot tub = also very funny!

    -----------------------------------------
    " Why are nasty jokes necessary? "

    They're not necessary; they just make the suffering more bearable

    Posted 2 years ago #
  21. Aishes Chayil
    Member

    Cherrybim,

    Can you please fill me in on the details which I was missing?
    Tks;) Just curious....

    Posted 2 years ago #
  22. mobico
    Member

    A wise man spoke at his son's Sheva Berachos. He said, "Son, now that you're married, it's time to learn the fine art of compromise. Let me give you an example. Let's say that it's time to paint the kitchen. Your wife wants to paint it pink, but you prefer white. So you compromise - you paint it pink!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  23. tzaddiq
    Member

    a guy gets up by a sheva brochos, reaches into his inside jacket pocket and retreives a whole packet of papers, maybe 10-20 sheets. audible gasps are heard throughout the crowded hall, everyone anticipating yet another loooong drasha that will drag on well into the night. Before he begins reading his speech however he begins tapping his pockets, the jacket pockets pants pockets, this side , that side. after a pause, he hesitantly closes in on the mike and says. it seems i have forgotten my reading glasses. the reaction from the guests are immediate and spontaneous, as he receives loud round of applause and a standing ovasion.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  24. SayIDidIt™
    Why does everyone (except me) want a subtitle so much?

    Marriage is more that a word; it is a sentence.

    Loved it!!

    SiDi™

    Posted 1 year ago #
  25. funnybone
    humerus

    When looking 4 a speaker 1st they asked a big talmid chochom. Being humble he declined. next they asked a person who is a big yiras shomayim. Being humble, he declined. Finally they asked me (say how you're related) and I accepted. I didn't want to say "no" 3 times!

    Posted 1 year ago #

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