shidduchim advice

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  • This topic contains 72 replies, has 19 voices, and was last updated by  Robert 6 months ago.
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  • #1241384

    rebshidduch
    Participant

    How much older is it okay for a guy to be than the girl?

    #1241402

    bmyer
    Participant

    I know a guy that is about 55 years older than his wife…

    #1241423

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    bmyer – for real??? How old were they when they got married?

    I know a guy who is approximately negative 16 years older than his wife. When they got married, he was around 23 and she was around 39.

    #1241449

    Joseph
    Participant

    Up to 10 years older.

    #1241443

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    I know a guy who is approximately negative 16 years older than his wife. When they got married, he was around 23 and she was around 39.

    I know someone who did the same.

    The Wolf

    #1241453

    rebshidduch
    Participant

    How about 6 years older?

    #1241467

    Meno
    Participant

    How about 6 years older?

    No I think it has to be at least 7. Just wait another year.

    #1241577

    MTAB
    Participant

    There are exceptions but generally 7 years. I have known differences of 10 years that work out. Depends on the people.

    #1241628

    misteryudi
    Participant

    In Rapa Nui and Sweden, it’s up to 23 year and 4 months older. For the rest of the world, it’s up to 11 years and 8 months.

    The difference is the clean, cool air of Sweden and the delicious margaritas of Rapa Nui make people live longer, so it’s okay for the ages to be further apart.

    #1241642

    Moshe1994
    Participant

    My father is 9 years older than my mother, and they have been happily married for 24 years and counting.

    #1241711

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Wolf – really? It must be the same couple – how many can there be like that?

    #1241713

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Since this should not be an issue that is best left up to people’s individual feelings, levels of maturity and preferences, we need to make a rule.

    calculate the difference in age of the girl’s parents, and the boy’s parents, and the girl’s grandparents and the boy’s grandparents. Then calculate the average of those 4 values.
    To that, add 1 year for every 1 inch difference in the boy’s and girl’s heights.
    To be machmir, average the boy’s and girl’s IQs. If it is an even number, add another year to the value gotten above. If it is an odd number, subtract a year.

    #1241722

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Joseph – Up to 10 years seems to be a common opinion.
    I know a shadchan who seems to consider that a halacha. Whenever I ask her if she can set up two people with each other, if they are more than 10 years apart, she will nix the idea immediately and say “they are more than 10 years apart” as though it’s assur to set up people who are more than 10 years apart.

    Personally, when people ask me up to what age I would go out with, I don’t like to give a specific number since I don’t believe in making such hard and fast rules, and I think it depends on many factors. But if I am forced to give an exact number (for example if I am filling out an online form), I usually say up to 10 years older.

    I do know girls who married guys who were more than 10 years older than them and they seem to be happy. And I don’t believe in making age too much of a factor (in either direction) unless it really bothers the person.

    The only real problem I have with girls going out with guys who are much older than them is that it gives older guys unrealistic expectations and they refuse to go out with any girls who are older than 10 years younger than them (since they know that they can occasionally find girls younger than that to go out with them) Meanwhile, these guys just keep getting older without getting married and there are many girls who are still single because these guys won’t go out with them.

    #1241742

    misteryudi
    Participant

    So my friend got divorced recently, and we’re pretty close, so I asked her what happened. She said it’s because her husband was more than 10 years older than her, so their marriage just couldn’t work.

    Real life proof that 10 years is a real barrier that separates marriages.

    So to all who are more than 10 years older or younger than your spouse: Quickly, if you want to save your marriage, find a Delorean with a working flux capacitor.

    and Plutonium

    #1241758

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Misteryudi – you’re a lady? I thought you were a guy!

    #1241769

    misteryudi
    Participant

    Mod – Thanks, I forgot that part.

    Lilmod – Looks can be deceiving, my dear:

    #1241780

    rebshidduch
    Participant

    misteryudi, I did not know you can paste photos?

    #1241790

    misteryudi
    Participant

    rebshidduch, only if you have the deluxe account. ($50 a month)

    #1241830

    There is a chasidish couple in my neighborhood that got engaged about 2 weeks ago. She is 30, he is 22.

    #1241850

    rebshidduch
    Participant

    misteryudi, no thank you.

    #1241948

    misteryudi
    Participant

    rebshidduch, are you sure? It comes free with a “Pin the tail on the troll” game, and a “Honk if you’re Joseph” bumper sticker. You won’t believe how many honks I hear every day.

    #1242080

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    I think I’ll make that bumper sticker myself. Then I’ll buy a car to stick it on.

    #1242218

    bmyer
    Participant

    LU: He’s around 90 and they have a teenage daughter..she’s not his first wife…

    #1242230

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I once heard of a bumper sticker: Honk if you believe in G-d; text if you want to meet Him.

    Wouldn’t it be funny if the CR really started producing bumper stickers that say, “Honk if you’re Joseph”? That could make a lot of money that way.

    #1242228

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    bmyer – is this a joke? I mean, people are always trying to get me to go out with older guys, but that’s a bit extreme!!! That would mean that she’s around 35. If they have a teenage daughter that would mean that when they got married, she was no more than around 21 and he was 76.

    I guess that’s a joke.

    #1242281

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Wolf – really? It must be the same couple – how many can there be like that? –

    Probably more than you know. It could be the same couple, but I highly doubt they are the only one.

    The Wolf

    #1242308

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    There are very few men who are married to women 16 years older than them. And even amongst those that are, it is unlikely that there are too many who davka got married at those particular ages. And we are limited to the Frum community. And we are talking about someone in this generation (at least someone who is alive right now). And I assume we are both talking about Americans. And since you live in New York, there’s a good possibility that we are both talking about someone who lives in New York (or at least used to live – I have no idea where they are now, but I know they were talking about moving oot). So I think it’s more likely than not that it’s the same couple.

    #1242332

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    about someone who lives in New York

    The couple I know of never lived in NY as a married couple.

    The Wolf

    #1242340

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I met them in Queens, so I thought they lived there, but it’s possible they were just there for Shabbos. I’m pretty sure his family is from Queens. Is the family of the guy you are talking about from Queens, and did they get married around 2005-2007?

    #1242361

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Is the family of the guy you are talking about from Queens, and did they get married around 2005-2007?

    No and no. I think that pretty much settles it. 🙂

    The Wolf

    #1242460

    apushatayid
    Participant

    As wide a gap as both sides are comfortable with. It is their comfort level that matters, not yours.

    #1242594

    Mammele
    Participant

    RebShidduch: when someone is young like you seem to be, it’s not just the age difference in years but in percentage older than you that matters. When you’re 20 for example, 50% older than you is too old IMHO even if it’s “only” 10 years.

    However, if you’re not involving your parents, you definitely need a shidduch mentor.

    Good luck!

    #1242726

    bmyer
    Participant

    LU: No jokes. I think she was 18-19 so he was low 70s…

    #1242744

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Wolf – oh, well. I guess you’re right and it’s more common than I thought. So maybe there’s hope for me…:)

    Mammele – yes and no. Many people seem to feel as you do and expect older girls to go out with guys with a greater age difference than they did when they were younger. And there is definitely truth to what you are saying.

    But there is another side to it as well. When you’re 25 (for example), a guy who’s 15 years older than you is still young, but when you’re 45 (for example), a guy who’s 15 years older than you is very old.

    One problem with marrying a 60 year old is that their average life expectancy is not too far off. Another problem is that it can be scary marrying a 60 year old man who was never married before (if we are talking about someone who was never married before). A third problem is simply that 60 is old and 45 isn’t, and most 45 year old girls don’t want to marry someone old.

    So while there is truth to what you say, there is another side to it.

    #1242746

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    bmyer – wow! Was there a story behind this? Why would a teenage girl marry an old man?

    #1242750

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “However, if you’re not involving your parents, you definitely need a shidduch mentor.”

    I agree with that. And I also agree with you that Rebshidduch should not date 30 year olds. I wasn’t arguing with that point.

    #1242881

    Mammele
    Participant

    LU: I hear you, but when you’ll be 60 Iy”h (married with children) I hope you won’t consider yourself old… Everything is relative.

    On a similar note however, there is a problem in our society – and I’m really generalizing – of men become “old” and less active at an earlier age than their female counterparts.

    #1242883

    Health
    Participant

    Bmyer -“I know a guy that is about 55 years older than his wife”

    I wasn’t that much older than my ex.
    OTOH, if I was, maybe we’d still be married!

    #1242995

    misteryudi
    Participant

    Can everyone please just move to Sweden or Rapa Nui, and solve the shidduch-with-someone-more-than-a-specific-number-of-years-older-or-younger-than-you crisis.

    Free margaritas on me.

    #1243028

    bmyer
    Participant

    Health: Why?

    #1242994

    bmyer
    Participant

    LU: Either because he’s a great person and has great middos or because he’s really charming…but he does HAPPEN to have A LOT of money…

    #1243153

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    WTP – if my husband is 75, I probably will.

    #1243169

    Health
    Participant

    Bmyer -“Health: Why?”

    Why what?!?

    #1243185

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Why would you still be married if you were much older than your ex-wife? I was wondering the same.

    #1243243

    huju
    Participant

    Depends on how much money the guy has. The more, the older.

    #1243247

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    huju – why, because you’ll inherit it faster?

    #1243285

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    LU: “WTP – if my husband is 75, I probably will.”

    Will what? What is this in response to, I don’t recall writing anything about any husband being 75 or anything like that.

    Besides the inheritance issue, there have been cases of technical marriages between a younger person who was a caretaker for the older person but could not live in the same house unless they were married.

    #1243405

    Health
    Participant

    LU -“Why would you still be married if you were much older than your ex-wife?”

    Because whatever​ the reason was that she would marry an older guy – this has not changed!

    #1243562

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    WTP – you said that you hope that when I’m 60 I won’t consider myself old. This was part of a conversation about marrying guys who are 15 years older. So I was pointing out that if I do marry a guy who is 15 years older than me, then when I am 60 he will be 75, so it’s likely that I will consider myself old.

    I wasn’t being completely serious, btw.

    #1244183

    Mammele
    Participant

    Sorry LU, it was me that mentioned that, not WTP.

    And sorry WTP, for not correcting her earlier post when the chain of errors began. I wasn’t 100% sure at that point exactly what’s going, on so I let it slide. Mistakes happen.

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