shidduchim advice

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  • This topic contains 72 replies, has 19 voices, and was last updated by  Robert 6 months ago.
Viewing 23 posts - 51 through 73 (of 73 total)
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  • #1244198

    rebshidduch
    Participant

    I have another question. How do I know what type of guy to date?

    #1244199

    Joseph
    Participant

    When you’re 25 (for example), a guy who’s 15 years older than you is still young, but when you’re 45 (for example), a guy who’s 15 years older than you is very old…

    A third problem is simply that 60 is old and 45 isn’t, and most 45 year old girls don’t want to marry someone old.

    Lilmod, Why is it less of an issue for a 25 year old to marry a 40 year old than for a 45 year old to marry a 60 year old? When the 25 year old becomes 45, her husband will also be 60.

    #1244236

    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Did anyone read pliskin book on marriage? Is it good?

    #1244363

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Whoops! Sorry WTP! Thanks Mammele!

    Rebshidduch – I read it many, many years ago. I remember liking it, and I think it might be a good book for you to read. As far as I recall, it has a lot of stories so it’s very entertaining and pleasant reading.

    btw, your question might be avak loshon hora. One is not supposed to ask others if they liked a certain book or person or whatever because you may lead someone to speak loshon hora about the book, etc.

    If anyone wants to answer Rebshidduch, they should only do so if they have something positive to say. Otherwise, they should not say anything (and should not leave a blank post either :))

    #1244365

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Joseph – but at the point that you are marrying them, they are not old yet. Everyone gets old eventually but you don’t want them to be old when you marry them and you’d rather it be as far away in the future as possible. The 25 year old still has many years until her husband gets old.

    #1244650

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    The 25 year old probably does think that the 40 year old is old.
    That’s human nature. Anyone who is more than 15-20 yrs older than you is old, and anyone 15-20 yrs younger is a kid. No matter how old you are. there will always be almost a generation in between.
    PS no harm done, I figured you must be responding to someone else, just could not figure out who.

    #1244752

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    WTP, it’s not really proportional. When I was 20 years old, I did not think that 20 year old guys were old. Now that I am not 20 anymore, I do think that guys my own age are old, but I know that I have no choice but to marry someone old and I’d just prefer that they not be too old.

    Funny story about that: (I don’t remember the exact ages in the story, so I will approximate): A friend of mine suggested a 40 year old to me. I responded, “Wow, that’s so old!” Meanwhile, I had completely forgotten that I was 35 years old, and momentarily thought that I was 25 years old. As soon as I remembered my age, I realized that 40 was not too old for me. Meanwhile, my friend probably thought that I was very picky!

    #1244885

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    LU, you raise a different point now – denial. You felt that the 40 year old guy was old, but you were not old at 35 since you didn’t think of yourself as old, you still felt 25. So all we have to do is extend that open-mindedness to others, and they too won’t be old!
    question: when you turn 45, will you still think that the 40 year old guy is old? I guess it will depend on whether you still feel 25.

    #1244892

    Chortkov
    Participant

    “Age is an issue of Mind over Matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain?

    #1244915

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    WTP – the difference is that I do seem very young for my age. Most people who don’t know better think that I am way younger than I am. When people meet me, they think I am younger because I look younger, but the funny thing is that even when people just speak to me by phone (and have never seen me), they also think I’m much younger. I think it’s because I have a youthful personality or something. What’s even funnier is that even on this site (where people can neither see nor hear me), I think that many people may have thought at first that I was younger than I was (in addition to thinking I was a boy), until I disillusioned them.

    Maybe that’s why I forgot my age – because I’m so used to people thinking that I’m much younger :).

    I think that this may have to do with what Mammele wrote earlier – that men age faster than women do. I think that by and large most of my friends who are around my age look much younger than most men I know of similar ages.

    #1245032

    Health
    Participant

    LU -“A third problem is simply that 60 is old and 45 isn’t, and most 45 year old girls don’t want to marry someone old”

    First of all, I’m not 60 – so I can comment on this!
    A 60 y.o. male can still have kids, but not all 45 year old females are able to have children!

    #1245075

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Health – whether that is true or not, it doesn’t mean that 45 year old women want to marry 60 year old men.

    #1245752

    streekgeek
    Participant

    <quote> Yekke2-
    “Age is an issue of Mind over Matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain? </quote>

    Age is just a number -said the girl who (gasp) married a man younger than she

    Seriously though, health concerns can affect anyone, any age. There are some 20 year olds that can’t have kids, lo oleinu. I don’t think age should be a deciding factor in marriage.

    That said, my grandfather a”h was 7 years older than my grandmother. They started dating when she was 18. He had no idea how old she was, nor did she know his age.

    #1245890

    Joseph
    Participant

    Supply and demand gives men the upper hand in shidduchim.

    #1245918

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Biologically, people are less attracted to people who are much older than them.

    #1245963

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “Supply and demand gives men the upper hand in shidduchim.”

    It lets them think they have the upper hand which helps no one. There are many older single guys who keep getting older and staying single because they will only go out with girls who are much younger than them, and girls are rarely willing to marry guys who are so much older than them.

    #1246161

    Joseph
    Participant

    My comment (which holds true) was not specifically referring to age differences.

    #1246246

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Joseph, sorry if I misunderstood you. In any case, I think my point may hold true to some extent for things other than age (although it is probably the most so with age).

    It is possible that guys’ thinking that they have the upper hand can lead them to be “unnecessarily-picky” since they assume that they can marry whomever they want. That can backfire and harm their shidduchim leading them to remain single. This seems to be the reason or part of the reason why at least some older single guys are still single (although definitely not all, and it may be a small percentage).

    I can also see its potentially harming their middos and/or causing them to become too superficial in terms of what they are looking for in a shidduch.

    And of course, it can cause harm to society as a whole in many ways.

    #1246280

    Joseph
    Participant

    That all could be true. I was merely pointing out the numerical reality. There are a notably larger proportion of older single never-married girls than older single never-married boys.

    #1246355

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Also, older single girls are usually reluctant to go out with older never-married guys and prefer going out with guys who were married before. I don’t know what you mean by “older” – I am referring to the 35+ age range.

    #1246333

    Health
    Participant

    LU -” whether that is true or not, it doesn’t mean that 45 year old women want to marry 60 year old men”

    And there are some 60 year old men who wouldn’t go out with a 45 y.o. woman – because they want to have kids!

    #1246320

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “There are a notably larger proportion of older single never-married girls than older single never-married boys.”

    That’s what many people think, but I’m not sure if it’s true or not. It seems to me that there are plenty of guys around.
    edited

    #1466586

    Robert
    Participant

    HKBH makes matches that we have no right to judge. If someone is married and happy, who are we to judge what is too old? We are all allowed preferences, but over time, priorities may change in our shidduch criteria.

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