I'm in my early 20s and am a bit of a BT. A couple of years ago I decided that I would find my match through a shadchan or at least with the help of some kind of 3rd party. In the summer I did this mixed (the guys and girls don't really talk to each other but it's mixed) chessed thing for a few days and caught sight of this girl and found it hard to take my eyes off her for the duration of the event. Is the fact that I'm physically attracted to her and she's vadai a tzadeket a valid reason for me to start mentioning her name to a shadchan?
YWN Coffee Room » Shidduchim
There's this girl
(16 posts)-
Posted 7 months ago #
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Absolutely!
Posted 7 months ago # -
lolololololol
Posted 7 months ago # -
sure, why not?
Posted 7 months ago # -
" vadai a tzadeket "
Please, tell me how to know this with 100% certainty. I'll be in the market for a DIL in the near future, and this skill will be a real time saver.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Sounds like you're smitten. Be careful.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Go for it! I know so many people that are happily married who met at some sort of chessed event. Hatzlocha rabbah!
Posted 7 months ago # -
bpt: sorry, take out 'vadai' and put in 'lichora mistama'
dr seuss: in hachi nami, i was probably over (my rebbe has since advised me that such things might not be right for me even though i didnt tell him i had previously been somewhat nichshal)
the rest of you who gave positive responses: i just didnt think this was the way its meant to work in orthodox judaism. am i not just attracted to her on a superficial level? if this is the way i go about things i may as well go speed dating or something, no? i thought the whole point was to be set up with someone who is compatible and only afterwards do you look at looks. not the other way round. or have i got myself into some bdieved situation?
Posted 7 months ago # -
jewww, only you know if you are attracted to her on a superficial level. We don't. So that is your call. And if there are other people who were part of this chessed function that may know her, and you feel comfortable talking to them, you can try find to find out more about her from them to see if you may be compatible. That would get you further with her than a shadchan who doesn't know her at all.
Posted 7 months ago # -
its not the ideal way to proceed l'chatchila.
but things happen.
i dont see any problem with proceeding.
just be sure:
1. you ask your Rebbes advice
2. you go through a competent 3rd party
3. you dont let your smittenness overide your evaluation of her characterPosted 7 months ago # -
I have the same reservation,
It seems like you are infaturated with her so your yetzer hara wants you to think she's a tzedeikes
Posted 7 months ago # -
I encourage you also to try, I had a good friend who was a BT in his mid 20's and met a regular FFB thru some hashgocha and despite some family objections at first they married and made a wonderful yiddishe home together.
Posted 7 months ago # -
I think Mod-80 said it right, things happen, maybe in this case for a reason. It seems to me like this girl is on your mind so much that you might not be able to give a different shidduch a proper chance since you might always be thinking, "what if..." So, bidieved now you should probably find someone to look into the situation for you and see if she would be compatible and if it looks possible, try to see if you could go out at least once just so that you'll have it clear in your heart and mind that if you said no, it's for a good reason. Also, if you were both at a chesed event, then you already have something in common, which is helpful.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Other than her looks, what attracted you to her? Referring to things that a shidduch should be based on: Baalas Chesed, Yirei Shamayim, Bas Talmid Chochom, etc.
Or was it just the looks?
Posted 7 months ago # -
If you marry her, will you show her this thread?
Posted 7 months ago # -
"take out 'vadai' and put in 'lichora mistama'"
I'm ok with "vadai", as I'm inclined to believe its not her tzidkus that helped you made a decision, but the externals she brings to the table.
That said, I'd ask her out. If she can work in a mixed envoirnment, she should be cool with being asked directly.
If you want to hedge your bets, ask her who you can get in touch with to reccomend a shidduch to. That way, if she balks, you don't spoil your chance. And if she bites, you can make your case.
But something tells me from your very yeshivsh choice of expressions, you are not really taking this seriously, or at least, don't think your family will. "lichoira, mistameh" is not the kind of talk that a boy who works in a mixed crowd would normally use.
My guess: You're as black hat as they come, and are having a pipe dream.
Let it go.
Posted 7 months ago #
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