I think I spoke Lashon Hara!

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  • #1272238
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    In an email about a relationship and rabbonim experience to a human who knows the rabbonim.

    But I am not sure. And felt anxiety saying nothing and saying something.

    How do I know? What do I do now? After the fact, should I ask the human? Let it go? Let time pass? Etc? Apologize?

    Thank you 💙

    #1272254
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    sorry, LB, I don’t understand what you wrote. Can you clarify?

    You are not sure about what? Saying nothing or saying something about what? What do you mean by a human – who else do you send emails to?

    Are you not sure if it was loshon hora or not? Are you unsure if there was toeles?

    Please explain. I’m lost.

    #1272302
    Joseph
    Participant

    Ask the person you spoke l”h about for mechila.

    #1272310
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “Ask the person you spoke l”h about for mechila.’

    That may be assur. If no harm was done to them, you are not allowed to tell them that you spoke L”H about them. If harm was done to them, it is a machlokes, and you either have to tell them or you are not allowed to tell them (because it will make them feel bad).

    Either way, you have to do the regular teshuva between man and G-d which involves: Admitting your sin, regretting it, and taking on yourself not to do so anymore.

    You also have to try to undo any damage and/or do damage control. If it is possible to go back to the person whom you spoke L”H to and tell them that you were mistaken, you should do so. If you can’t actually tell them you were mistaken, at least find a way to make the L”H less bad (like by finding a “limud zchus” for the person spoken about or finding something good to say about them). Also, tell them not to send the email to anyone else or to tell anyone else what you said since you realize it may have been mistaken or inaccurate.

    But first, we have to clarify that you did in speak l’H. Again, I didn’t quite get the situation?

    #1272354
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Thanks okay so now I will elaborate a bit…

    Yes I sent an email to a person, the “human” (being vague so I don’t have to say gender or anything) — and it may have been loaded with lashon hara. I am so confused here though. I guess that I didn’t have to disclose anymore unless I wanted to ask another question.

    I don’t know what to do. This person is long-distance and I don’t know the person in real life. But I reached out to this person and said stuff about something that happened that may have been lashon hara.

    So now what?

    Thank you!

    #1272401
    ready now
    Participant

    Is the person Jewish?

    #1272405
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    LB – what was the reason that you wrote the stuff that you wrote?

    Did you say the person’s name/s that it was about?

    #1272414
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    ready now: Yes all persons that I spoke about were Jewish.
    ___________________________

    LU: I didn’t say the person’s name who it was mostly about –but I did say who that person was in relation to me.

    I did mention the names of the rabbis but just explained a series of events and how I got to speak to them in regards to the person of whom the email was mostly about (I talked about myself as well).

    I said that I didn’t know what my reason was. In all honesty though, it was a lot of stuff that I bottled in and wanted to share it with someone who would understand and maybe hopefully make sense of it because this person is close to said rabbonim and I really respect them.

    Thank you <#

    #1272430
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    LB – if the point was that you felt you needed to discuss it with someone because it was “all bottled in”, it was 100% mutar! Not only that, but it was probably an obligation! Hashem wants us to be emotionally healthy. You are allowed to talk about something if it’s for the purpose of your emotional health – to make you feel better about it.

    It is best if you can find the right person to talk to – someone who will understand and help you to deal with it. It sounds like that is exactly what you did!

    I think I once told you about a pamphlet called something like, “How to get deeper into Torah without going off the deep end”. I believe it talks about this issue here – it gives a basic guideline for knowing when it’s forbidden and when it’s permitted to speak l”h.

    One of my teachers once pointed out that sometimes people are too careful about L”H and don’t speak when they should.
    When you are trying to figure out if something is L”H or not, I think the two things to think about are: 1. What is your purpose in saying what you are saying? 2. What will the results be?

    Bottom Line: no teshuva needed here.

    #1272474
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Bottom Line: no teshuva needed here.

    I don’t know how you could have gotten enough information from this thread to say that so absolutely.

    #1272504
    Avi K
    Participant

    Ready now, while it is not technically prohibited to say LH about a non-Jew the Chafetz Chaim says that it is better not to get in the habit. Tanna d’bei Eliahu says that one who wrongs gentiles will come to wrong Jews. The Be’er HaGolah in Hichot Geneiva says that someone who takes advantage of halachic technicalities in his dealings with gentiles will be punished by Hashem.According to . Rav YY Weinberg, Rav SR Hirsch, , Tiferet Yisroel to Baba Kamma Chapter 4, Meiri in many places, Rema Responsa 10 and Chatam Sofer Collected Responsa 90) these laws no longer apply in today’s moral western societies where all property is protected by law. In addition, if it is discovered it is a chillul Hashem.

    #1272571
    ready now
    Participant

    AVI K, nevertheless it is not Lashon Hara if the person spoken about is a rasha.

    #1272796
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    That may be true but LB wanted to know if she spoke LH and needs to do teshuva.

    #1272793
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    rasha and non-Jew are not the same.

    #1272792
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I hear your question, and I have an answer, but I’m not sure I can give it in a public forum. Sorry!

    Suffice it to say, I would never have written that unless I thought it HAD to be said. Let’s just say that it was a combination of this: “In all honesty though, it was a lot of stuff that I bottled in and wanted to share it with someone who would understand and maybe hopefully make sense of it because this person is close to said rabbonim and I really respect them.” and what I already know about LB.
    והמבין יבין

    #1272807

    and what I already know about LB.
    Please keep in mind that this is an anonymous forum, you have never actually met LB and when discussing halacha that may not be an adequate measure of factual information.

    #1272837
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    29 – That is a very good point. Thank you! And thank you for caring enough about the issue to respond.
    As I was writing my post, I realized (and was even hoping) that someone would make a similar point that basically means the same thing (although I hadn’t thought of it in those precise terms).

    That is the fact that even if I knew LB in person, of course one nevers 100% for sure that his response is the correct response. This is the case whenever a person chooses to speak or not speak, to act or not to act. And yet we have an obligation to speak or to act many times a day, without ever knowing 100% what the correct course of action is.

    With the knowledge that one has, he has to weigh both sides (what the likely consequences are for acting/speaking vs. the likely consequences for not doing so), and decide which way the potential damage is greatest and act accordingly.

    In this case, I felt the potential danger in not adding those words was both the more likely and the greater danger.

    #1272844
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I disagree with that decision.

    #1272855

    I wasn’t talking about adding those words, it was about “issuing a psak”, telling her ,”it was 100% mutar” or that “no tshuva is needed”. This type of assurance needs to be done in person by someone who is given all the facts to the situation. Even on a hotline it is real people having a real time conversation (and my understanding is that it is Rabbi’s authorized to pasken).
    An appropriate response would have been that you are of the opinion that…but that she needs to check with her rabbi or a posek.

    #1272883
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Thank you everyone!!! … So quick update please. I heard back from the person and all is good. Thank G-d!!!!

    I was worried that it was lashon hara after skimming through another thread and I don’t know, sometimes when I open up to someone about something, especially like in the case that I asked about here, there is this anxiety and fear because I only want to say good things about every single person. At the same time, I was discussing a series of experiences that were less than pleasant with someone and asked for advice on how to read this person especially since when I spoke to rabbonim they did not know those details. If they did know those details, then said rabbonim may have given me different advice. Then again, if everything happened as it did, what was the message from Hashem?

    Okay so I ended up saying more than I expected right here. It may still be super vague. Anyway. I confided in someone who knew the parties and this person actually heard enough to guide me. For a really really really long time I wanted to talk about this but was afraid that it was lashon hara.

    Recently though something came up and I realized that by not talking about it with someone close to the rabbonim, I blocked myself from really getting over it. Or I don’t know.

    I do know that I am blessed and very grateful.

    Thanks everyone here and IRL 🙂 🙂 🙂

    #1273017
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I believe I already responded to everything you wrote, but I will clarify some points that may not be clear.

    You are wrong – this is the type of “psak” that everyone has to make all the time.

    First of all, in general, anyone who knows the halacha can and should tell others what the halacha is if asked or if there is a situation that necessitates it. I teach halacha and write halacha sefarim and I answer people’s halacha questions (if I know the answer. Granted, there aren’t that many topics or that many questions I am qualified to answer, and I don’t pretend that there are. But I know when I am qualified to do so and when I am not and when it would be better to answer my question myself and when it would be better to refer the person elsewhere).

    Second of all, even the most unlearned people have to “posken” on some level all the time. We posken every second of our lives. Every decision we make every second is a halachic decision and we have to posken for ourselves much of the time. We have to know when we can posken for ourselves and when we have to ask someone else.

    We also have to posken for others all the time. I think you mentioned once that you have kids. I sincerely hope that you issue these types of “psakim” for your kids on a regular basis. If not, you should start going to chinuch classes or speak to a Rav about it.

    Additinally, it is important to keep in mind that while halacha covers every aspect of our lives and each decision we make, there are many different types of halachos that call for different types of “knowledge” and “aitza”. Anyone who is in a position of giving advice or guiding others (which is everyone, but especially parents, teachers, therapists, and anyone who is in a similar position whether formally or informally) is poskening for the person when they give advice. As I wrote, every decision a person makes has to be made based on halacha, so every piece of advice you give someone has to based on halacha, since halacha covers every single thing that a person says, thinks, or does.

    Some “piskei halacha” must be based more on those things that people think of as halacha and some times they are based more on factors such as psychology (Torah psychology not Freudian psychology). Although as I said everything is included under the umbrella of halacha on some level.

    My response to LB was based on a combination of my knowledge of hilchos LH and my knowledge of Torah psychology (as learned from the Torah, my rebbeim, life experience and hilchos LH themselves). “Poskening” hilchos L”H usually involves a certain knowledge of (Torah) psychology.

    I did not tell her to ask a sheilah for a combination of several reasons. I would have preferred not to go into them, but I suppose it is necessary in order to clear up any misconceptions. First of all , I felt very strongly that I knew the answer. Additionally, I did not know who she would ask and I do not have reason to believe that she would ask someone who knows better than me. The fact that someone holds the title Rabbi does not necessarily mean that he would know the answer to this question better than me. As one of my friend’s husband says “you only ask a question if you don’t know the answer.”

    Regarding hotlines, I (and others I know) have had experiences in which we were given the wrong answer. In some cases, this was because the Rav answering the question knew less about the particular halachos than I did (and admitted that fact when I referred him to the appropriate source), and in some cases it was because he did not understand the situation despite my attempts to clarify (and yes, in the cases I am referring to, we asked another Rav who confirmed that the first Rav was wrong).

    Some of the problems with hotlines are: 1. The Rabbanim are not always super-knowledgeable or super-capable of issuing piskei halacha. 2. It is often very difficult or impossible to give over all the pertinent details. This is particularly true when dealing with a question that involves more psychological insight and less technical knowledge of the Shulchan Aruch per se’. In some cases, it actually can be easier to give over the needed information in writing (like here) to a “friend”.

    I would like to qualify the above by saying that I have had some wonderful experiences with hotlines (usually with Shmiras Haloshon ones), but I have also had some very bad ones. I had no way of knowing whom LB would turn to or what her experience would be like. Since I did feel that I knew the answer, it was better for me to give it to her than to tell her to go elsewhere without having any way to know that.

    The most important reason why I wrote what I wrote is something else though. Based on my knowledge of psychology (attained through a lot of life experience as well as Torah and knowledge of hilchos LH), I felt that it was crucial for LB to know that there is no question that she did the right thing and she should know that she should not hesitate to do so again.

    I had a Rav once who quoted a certain Gadol as saying that sometimes people are too careful about hilchos LH and do not speak when they should. This was a case in which LB was supposed to speak based what she wrote. The possible damage when not speaking can be greater in some cases. The possible damage in thinking that she can never speak without calling a Rav first is also greater.

    We can not and should not feel like we have to ask a sheilah each time we open our mouths or take a step. We can not and should not feel like we have to ask a sheilah to verify if we have to do teshuva for each word we spoke or each step we took. This is something that I know and have learned from my Rebbeim (and it should be self-evident in any case). When a person is emotionally upset about something, he has an obligation to discuss it with someone if it will make him feel better or if the person can help him understand the person being spoken about better. When a person does so, it is not healthy for him to second-guess himself each time and be concerned that he was oiver on hilchos L”H.

    From what I know about LB, it would not have been psychologically unhealthy for her to feel that she has to ask a sheilah each time she speaks to find out if she needs to teshuva. My words to her were based more on psychology than technical halacha. Perhaps some people would have started out the discussion by saying that it wasn’t a halachic “psak” but a psychological “psak”. I was hesitant to do so since everything is included in halacha and there is no such thing as a decision that is not based on halacha. Also, the psychological aspect involved is in fact covered by the halachos, and I felt it was important for LB to be aware of this.

    #1273040

    Insistence that you, a woman, have the ability, and the authority to pasken a shaila for someone you don’t know and are not able to have a basic conversation with is frightening. People need to know that that is not how halacha works.

    Once again, An appropriate response would have been that you are of the opinion that…but that she needs to check with her rabbi or a posek.

    #1273131
    lesschumras
    Participant

    LU, I agree with the moderator. What are your qualifications? Do you have Smicha? Where did you learn and for how long? On what basis do you deem yourself a posek?

    #1273180
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Mod 29 and lesschumras – you clearly have not read my post carefully, and are taken things out of context. Please read it again. I am not sure if you are deliberately pretending not to understand what I wrote or if you really are having a hard time. In either case, I don’t think there is anything more I can do. I apologize but I really spent a lot of time and effort in order to try to explain it to you. Maybe you can find someone else to explain it to you.

    I did realize after I wrote it that there is a way I could have explained in shorter form that may be easier for you to understand. I will, bli neder, try to do so in a separate post.

    #1273191

    “Maybe you can find someone else to explain it to you.”
    These types of condescending remarks will be edited or deleted.
    I don’t need help understanding your opinion, I am telling you you are mistaken.

    #1273192
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    29 & Chumras – I also should point out that you are misquoting me when you say that I wrote that I can posken. What I actually wrote was that I can “posken”.

    I thought I made it clear that I was using the term posken as you used it although it may or may not be the accurate definition of the term. I realize now that that may not have been entirely clear. I think I had originally intended to include some lines in my post about that I did not end up including. I still think it should be clear if you read my post carefully. But in case it is not, I hope it is now.

    Again if it’s not, maybe you can find a Rav or someone who can explain it to you.

    #1273184
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I realized after I wrote the long post that I could have responded more simply as follows:

    I don’t understand how you can possibly question what I wrote since you yourself have responded in similar ways with less reason for it. How about the fact that you wrote (or implied) that you didn’t think that LB should be askinig about bubble umbrellas? How can you posken that it’s definitely fine? Why didn’t you tell her that she must ask a sheilah? In that case, the issue was about something that is not mentioned one way or another in halacha, so how can you assume that it is mutter?

    In this case, LB had not spoken loshon hora according to what she wrote. Why should she be made to feel that she has to ask a sheilah about every word she has ever said if there was no reason to think there was a problem?

    #1273187
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “Insistence that you, a woman, have the ability, and the authority to pasken a shaila for someone you don’t know and are not able to have a basic conversation with is frightening. People need to know that that is not how halacha works.

    Once again, An appropriate response would have been that you are of the opinion that…but that she needs to check with her rabbi or a posek.”

    I hope you realize that every time you make a decision regarding whether or not to post something you are poskening. I wonder why you think that you are qualified to do so? Have you asked a sheilah regarding whether or not you are allowed to do so?

    #1273260
    ready now
    Participant

    Lilmod Ulelamaid, you said “rasha and non-Jew are not the same” but it could be in this case, and furthermore it could be a Jew, has v sholom. Its a mitzvah to warn another person if the rasha is a thief, that could defraud someone or who is in some other way a danger.

    #1273268
    lesschumras
    Participant

    LU, why are you avoiding the issue. When you tell a person something is assur, rather referring them to a Rav, you’re issuing a psak. What are your qualifications to determine what is assur?

    #1273276
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    For the record, LU was addressing the poster that I call “me” and you call lightbrite or LB or etc.

    As the poster on the receiving end of LU’s information, from what I have gathered and absorbed from LU, note that I did not say “know,” all I heard was someone telling me that I may be okay and if it was what she gathers that it is then that is okay and none of this was any official psak. Of course she doesn’t have all of the details. No one here does. She was giving me the information that I can take with me to ask my LOR. That’s how I took it. Not as a literal command that no rabbinical counsel is needed. And it is rough to read a lot of posts addressed to LU, especially because it makes me think of Rabbi Akiva’s brilliant students who argued with one another and there must be a better way.

    Thank you!

    #1273837
    Lefty SoferStam
    Participant

    WHAT?!?!
    A LADY says that
    “I teach halacha and write halacha sefarim ”
    and nobody commenting on that?!?!? Not even JOSEPH?!?!?!
    Is this an open orthodox coffee room?!?!?!

    #1273851
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    We don’t use the O word here. It’s associated with a movement that is against Yiddishkeit. We “uncover” our pickle jars.

    #1273861
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    LU already told us that she teaches at a very frum women’s seminary in Jerusalem.

    Are there no absolutely no frum books that women write about halachic topics?

    Doesn’t Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, a”h, of blessed memory have books published that talk about practical halacha? For example, *Torah for Your Table* published by Artscroll

    Thank you and for the record, I’m not a pro at the details of lashon hara… but I’m pretty sure that your insinuation that LU’s comment speaks of some open orthodoxy in the CR is pretty lashon-hara-ing.

    Yepp yepp – thanks!

    #1273879
    Lefty SoferStam
    Participant

    Ladys publish books not SEFARIM!!!!

    #1273877
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    It’s just that women don’t write as well as people do.

    #1273890
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    BOOKS are SEFARIM!!!

    ENGLISH to HEBREW.

    Or is this a cook vs chef argument? Women are cooks. Men are chefs?

    Is this your apology?

    #1273895
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Does Ladys rhyme with Gladys?

    #1273900

    LB, people usually use/save the term sfarim for sifrei kodesh.

    #1273891
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    And people don’t write as well as pigeons do.

    #1273919
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    “LB, people usually use/save the term sfarim for sifrei kodesh. ”

    Ahhhh… kay thank you Mod-29!

    Hmm… Question please: Are books by rebbetzins not sifrei kodesh? What are sifrei kodesh? Beyond books by rabbonim?

    Is a sfrei kodesh more like universally recognized holy texts such as the Shulchan Aruch?

    Thank you again!!! <3 🙂

    #1273988
    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    There are many very fine, very bright female Torah educators who are teaching other women and girls. Many have recorded shiurim. Every so often, one of these will collect her teachings into a sefer (not book, it is about Torah topics), this way she can teach to more than those in her immediate community/school. It might not be so common, but it has been done. Women can read too, you know. I even know some men who have read/learned these sefarim. It’s far more tznius learning Torah from a woman’s book than directly from the woman.
    Examples: Nechama Leibowitz, A”H
    Reb. Shira Smiles, Torah Tapestries
    There must be more- probably some under male pen names.

    #1274015
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    WTP – I also agree that there are bright female Torah educators but I have never heard those books referred to as sfarim (in the manner you refer to). Not even when I was in a class where we were learning it!

    side point –
    “There must be more- probably some under male pen names.”
    does not sit right with me at all.

    #1274238
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    So the same exact book is a book when written by a woman, but a sefer when written by a man?
    (Male pen names have been used by women throughout history to get their work to be taken seriously.)

    #1274251
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    There must be more- probably some under male pen names.

    The Midrash Says.

    #1274310
    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    I was using the word sefer as any written work that teaches Torah. A novel or collection of stories, whether fiction or non-fiction is a book. Anything with Torah content is a sefer. I would not take a sefer-book into the bathroom, for example, Shira Smiles’ work, but I would a novel-book. Some sefarim are more intensive than others, some are light reading, some are lomdus. A compilation of nice thoughts on the Parsha may not be as choshuv, as say, Ramban al HaTorah, but it’s still Torah.
    I was wondering how you define a sefer- a volume in Hebrew? Part of Tanach or Talmud? Commentaries by Rishonim? Halachic discourses? Mussar works? Does it have to be bound in leather to be a sefer? Or does the level of the author determine if it is a sefer?
    By the way, Pachad Yitzchak, which consists of ma’amarim given by R’ Hutner, Z”L, was mostly edited/compiled by his daughter, Reb. Bruriah David, although you will not find her name on the sefer (or is it book?)

    #1274314
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Wow, lots of cynicism here. Was I not supposed to express a differing opinion or life experiences? Gee guys, so sorry. Or is saying “guys” offensive too?

    #1274321
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    No, some of us encounter gender every day. How can you be so insensitive?

    #1274327
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    I have no idea what you are trying to say.

    #1274328
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    When you tell a person something is assur, rather referring them to a Rav, you’re issuing a psak.

    While I haven’t changed my opinion that her statement was too big of a reach, I think you are overgeneralizing.

    As an example, if someone asked you if you were allowed to open a light on Shabbos, and you said no, would that be a psak? No, because it’s a well known, accepted halachah. Someone may have studied a particular inyan well enough to answer a question definitively, even without being a “posek” per se.

    Again, I don’t feel that this applies here. Saying something negative is by by default assur. In some cases, it may indeed be “toeles” to vent, but there aren’t enough details available here in the CR to make that determination.

    Had a general statement been made that on occasion there may be a heter based on emotional​ needs making the saying of L”H toeles, I think there are people who may be well enough versed in hilchos lashon hora to say that, even without being a posek.

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