December 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm #607409
A few days ago Zeeskite wrote a post saying that discussing the abuse trial is not fit for this atmosphere. I just want to give my opinions for why I believe it is important.
I implore everyone to go speak with a survivor of any kind of abuse from within the orthodox community- that you trust- and ask them if they think its important to discuss such matters on frum internet forums. They will say yes.
If you dont know someone who was abused that you trust- that’s part of the problem- because they exist, and you would never know it. Over my years, I have come across hundreds of orthodox young women who were abused- and I promise you , you would never ever know.
Most of those abused in the frum world go their entire lives without telling anyone. Forget testifying or accusing- there is such a taboo and so much shame just to admit in our community that you were abused.
I am a young orthodox woman. I am not OTD. I was abused for many years by a frum person. It wasn’t until I found an internet forum, for FRUM people, that were discussing the issue- that I had the courage to ANONYMOUSLY (imagine the shame when not anonymous??) type the words “I was abused” even as i write them now, i feel shame. Because in our community where shomer negiah and the sanctity of anything sexual are greatly emphasized, admitting to abuse is even harder then in other communities. Thats why survivors need your support more then ever.
When a case like weberman is publicized, it takes away a little bit of the shame I feel. It makes me know that I am not alone and that justice is acheivable. When I see it being discussed on Jewish websites it makes me feel like there is progress and hope for the next generation. You really cant understand how important it is to survivors to see abuse being discussed by frum people- but hopefully this post will make you understand a little bit. When abuse is being discussed, it gives a “go-ahead” for people who may be holding onto demons to come forward and admit that they were abused. When abuse is not discussed, very few will ever come forward. We see this now, many have commented on the fact that “once XYZ said they wee abused, all these other people claimed they were too, we should believe all of them” YES. EXACTLY. that’s the point !!! when abuse is no longer something to be incredibly ashamed and taboo to speak about, the stories will come. they are already coming.
In conclusion, the discussion of topics such as abuse and the weberman trial in a frum place, serve as a means for frum abused people to feel less shame, feel hope, and find a little peace. I think every Torah Jew should feel a desire to be a part of enabling that, and not disabling it by saying things like “this is not the place for discussion of such disgusting topics”
December 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm #913322
December 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm #913323
And FYI if its not disussed here it will be discused on a more general forum for survivors in an enironment most here would not approve it
December 13, 2012 at 4:28 pm #913324
Shkoyach for your post.
December 13, 2012 at 4:35 pm #913325
I “hear” you.
I feel for you more!!
I’m regrettably (fortunately, for everyone) not qualified to give you any advice, direction, support, I’m sure there are others here who can. There are plenty of anonymous support forums, I think.
I hope you are healing.
December 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm #913326
*(pause for) standing ovation*
Bravo for coming forward and bringing up this most important topic for discussion!
Kudos for speaking out here on YWN CR- EVEN if you are anonymous- and for the record NO ONE looks down upon any victim such as yourself, as such you need not feel any shame whatsoever. I’m so inspired by your courage and determination to push this topic to the forefront of our communities’ agendas, and to dig our ‘buried far-frumpteh heads out of the sand’.
The facts are that it’s a HUGE problem in our time, it’s affecting/destoying too many people, “Deal with it, Don’t ignore it!” should be the outcry to each communities’ Askanim and Rabbonim.
Thank you, sw33t!!
December 13, 2012 at 4:46 pm #913327
Thank you for “hearing”. It truly means a lot!
I am healing, B”H I have been in a good place for a number of years now.
But there are many who aren’t , and need a supportive community. Everyone here can be a part of that support.
December 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm #913328
Thank you for your support. When I posted this I thought maybe one or two people would respond and everyone else would ignore and pretend it didn’t exist. Thanks for proving me wrong !
I hope we can all see the change we want in this world, hopefully, that time is soon.
BaalHabooze, your words really mean a lot to me. You nailed it right on the (buried) head.
December 13, 2012 at 5:35 pm #913329
I want to say that I totally agree with everything the above posters say – you should feel no shame. The person who abused you should be filled with shame to have done this to an innocent child/person. It is terrible that you (and others) feel unable to come forward to accuse the person who did his damage seemingly without recourse.
I think the reason this site has issues with discussing this topic stems from the way the site is set up. Basically there is one main group of active threads and the person who starts the thread can name it whatever he/she wants, often giving the potential reader no clue as to the topic. In sites like imamother, there are topics that you must be inside of first before creating a thread. I have often opened a threat to find out that I have no interest whatsoever in the topic. Usually what I do is close the thread without responding, but unfortunately there are many people who either have a hard time doing that and then feel “compelled” to comment, but since they had no real interest in the topic when they opened the thread, they lack the seichel to think before they post idiotic comments.
I don’t know if this problem can be fixed in any way without completely revamping the CR, but people should really think twice before they post unnecessarily.
I am glad that responses to this issue and your thread have given you confidence that this issue is not going to be ignored any longer. You should continue to have strength to fully overcome what happened.
December 13, 2012 at 5:36 pm #913330
sw3, I have come out of retirement / emerged from hibernation because your post was one I could not ignore. I have no personal experience with your issues, and am in no way qualified to give you guidance. However, as a member of the human race, I am quite familiar with all manner of pain, emotional and other, and with the feeling of being alone in a room (or blog) full of people, who I’m sure can’t imagine what I’m feeling. I wish I could find the right words to offer you some comfort in the face of the horrible things you have experienced. I want to thank you for your post. I don’t know if it has given you any amount of solace, but I feel it was extremely important for all the rest of us to read. Also, if you are familiar with the vagaries of the CR, you will know that the nitpickers in our midst cannot resist typos, poor spelling, and grammatical errors; and in addition to the facts and sentiments expressed, your post was beautifully and cogently written.
December 13, 2012 at 6:06 pm #913331
Nechomah- thank you. I actually really like imamother (even tho I’m not a mother ;])
Golfer- your post means a lot to me. Your words are very uplifting. One thing I’ve learned from my experience is that there are no magic words, but just knowing that someone cares, can move mountains.
Yes, writing this post has given me solace. I’m glad you think it’s important for everyone else to read- to me that is the most I could ever ask for.
December 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm #913332
December 13, 2012 at 8:10 pm #913333
just my hapenceMember
sw33t – Bravo. You have earned my undying respect and admiration. Once again, bravo.
December 13, 2012 at 8:18 pm #913334
+1 as well. We can only hope as this issue becomes more open, that people & children will know what to avoid.
December 13, 2012 at 9:38 pm #913336
Hatzlacha with your life. May you and yours never be a victim again!
December 14, 2012 at 2:38 am #913337
+10,000 to everyone for being supportive, and for your kind words. I am inspired and strengthened by them.
December 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm #913338
I just wanted to add my voice to those others here supporting you in your bravery and humanity, speaking out as you have so that other survivors feel more comfortable coming forward. You have done a wonderful thing by doing so, and I pray that every day of your recovery brings you greater peace and comfort.
December 16, 2012 at 1:29 am #913339
+1 and well done for saying something.
December 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm #913340
Aurora, Showjoe- Thank you.
Many of you have written to me expressing admiration and respect, which I greatly appreciate, but when it comes down to it, I haven’t done anything in life except been exposed to something terrible, and come out the other end still standing. The real inspiration is all of those who have no reason to care for me or my well being, but you express words of comfort,encouragement and support anyway.
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