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There is an epidemic today of teens "off the derech" and I'm the parent of one. Our teens are going through depression, drug abuse, eating disorders, leaving religion, cutting (or self-mutilation) just to name a few. Besides professional help these teens need love and inspiration to come back to religion and heal. Someone or something has turned these kids off and we all have to help bring them back. My teenage daughter is a loving sweet, bright girl and B"H she lives at home, unlike some whom their parents unfortunately don't know where they are. Being she's left religion she dresses like the average American non-Jewish teenager. I live on a frum block with young parents of little children. It hurts me so much how you shun my daughter because of the way she looks. If she was turned off then don't turn her off too, help turn her on, just a kind word or even just hello could make a difference. Remember she was once a little girl just like your daughter. Your daughter could Chas Veshalom be this teen one day if we don't do something now to help these kids and stop this epidemic.
KBB
YWN Coffee Room » Out Of The Mailbag
Treatment of teens off the derech
(86 posts)-
Posted 1 year ago #
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I sympathize with your predicament greatly and bentch you that your daughter return to the derech very soon.
Without addressing the situation in detail, one point that I would like to make in the benefit of the neighbors that you refer to. Dressing "like the average American non-Jewish teenagers" means hardly dressing at all. As such, for the frum men it becomes impossible to interact with her, as they are halachicly forbidden from even looking at her in that state. And if they speak to her while avoiding looking at her, it may be possible that she will take offence, exacibrating the situation. As such it may be best that women be at the forefront in trying to be mekarev her.
This is just a thought, and without knowing all the details just take it as "food for thought."
Posted 1 year ago # -
I too knew so many troubled teens, guys and girls that lived through a very difficult time period in their life. Some turned to drugs and alcohol and many completely left the religion. Most of these guys and girls are now in their upper twenties and one thing that I have noticed was that in general, the ones that were shown love by their families and knew that they had a home to come home to are the ones that are now normal, functioning adults. I sense from what you wrote that you love your child deeply and understand that she is going through a most difficult time period in her life. Keep doing that. Get her help but make sure she always knows that you love her no matter what and you want her to keep living at home with you. You can't control how others treat her but at least she'll know that you only want the best for her. Good luck to you and your daughter and may God bless you both and protect her.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Thank you for the reminder, which I'm sure we could all use. May Hashem help her return to her roots in a healthy, positive manner, soon.
In case you are unaware, there are frum support groups for parents such as you, and also hotlines providing guidance. Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz of project YES is an amazing resource. If you care to join support group or need guidance, I may be able to give you a number of an organization that has helped people I know tremendously. Hatzlacha rabbah!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Would your daughter be interested in going to Israel, I have heard of a program that works with off the derech girls.
Posted 1 year ago # -
As the original post said, the way to get these people back is by showing them that Judaism is a great thing, and make them want to be frum. I was once a teen at risk, also. I didn't keep Shabbos, wasn't careful about kosher, etc. There were many things that all caused it, which I won't write about now (unless people want to hear it). Basically, I didn't see the beauty of being a frum Jew, I thought it was restricting, and that the rabbis who were supposed to guide people were hypocrites, and just not good people.
I had many friends who distanced themselves from me. Others remained close, but made certain things clear - they didn't want to discuss movies, or which girl I was currently dating, or things like that. If we stayed away from those things, they were fine with spending time with me.
Luckily for me, I found a few Rabbis I really respected, and came to see the true beauty of being a frum Jew. I still think that most of my family doesn't really get it, even though they're probably much more yeshivish than I am, and know much more about many things than I do - my brothers are either learning in Lakewood or used to and are in a different kollel now, some of my brothers learned in Brisk in Israel, etc. However, I feel I see things differently then they do. I won't say they're more frum than me, because who am I to judge what makes a person frum?
Anyway, the point is, many people won't associate with an at-risk teen because there's nothing to relate to. Would you be friends with someone who wasn't a frum Jew, who made you uncomfortable? Teens at risk make many people uncomfortable. I had friends who would do drugs. Would you feel comfortable hanging out with someone like that? Some people can handle it, some can't. It's where you can find out who your real friends are - real friends will stick by you no matter what. I had friends who didn't judge me when I wasn't frum, they slowly encouraged me to become frum again. I know that they will stick by me when I need them, and they always have.
In closing, just remember - punishing your at-risk child will not help, it will only make them more determined to stay away. You have to make them want to be frum because being frum is a beautiful thing, not because they're scared of punishment.Posted 1 year ago # -
First off, I would like to say my heart goes out to you and your daughter and may Hashem give both of you the strength to persevere while facing this challenge. We don't have a crystal ball to see what the end will have in store for us. It is my hope that your daughter will be able to find peace of mind with in herself and then to be able to find her place within Yiddishkeit (where ever and whatever that level might be).
This year as a personal project, I have been looking into kids-at-risk and trying to understand what it is that makes observant Jews (or those coming from such homes) turn away from yiddishkeit. It's not a new project since I too have been in the midst of being involved with a close realtive who is struggling with his connection to Hashem and finding his place with in religion. Yet this year as I see more and more people fighting within themself or dealinig with relatives, I'm hoping to make an impact (if even just in my home) to help reach out to others.
B'H, along our journy down this unexpected route, I think that all of us have gained from the impact that we have had on each other. However, there is an excellent book called "Off the derech, how to respond to the challenge" written by Faranak Margolese (who is an observant Jew) who was motiviated by her own struggles, did the research and put together this book that opens your eyes from the perspective of someone on the other side of the fence. (here are other good books as well as how to kindle a soul, and chinuch in turbulent times) I would recomend this reading for all parents, prospective parents and those dealioing with kids off the derech. While it would be impossible to write down everything in a simple short post, there are a few things that I would like to share.
First off, we need to stop the shunning and rejecting. Yes, it may make us uncomfortable to see others dress and acting differently but how hard is it to wish a good shabbos or good morning to them (even a simple hi). Plus if we can manage a smile we say it how good it might actually make them feel. Ignoring them won't change them or make them go away and outright criticiisim or rejection will just reinforce what led them down this path in the first place.
Next, while we need to set up consistant homes and lifestyles and concrete rules, we also need to give unconditional love. Stop judging people (as well as our children) by their actions but by who they are and who they can be. They are not malachim and it is ok to make mistakes.
Find a positive approach to reach your goal. Instead of yelling at your child for not wearing a Kippah, tell them why it's nice to wear one (and praise them one day when they are wearing it properly). Also keep in mind, the more you try to "force" them in keeping the mitzvoh them more likely they will rebel.
Find ways to make Yiddishkeit beautiful through your actions. Think of ways of connecting religion and belief in a way that you can share it with your children. Whatinspired you as a kid, what inspires your kids?
Treat others fairly, look for the positive and avoid negative talk.
Listen to your children with an open mind. They might be telling you a lot more than you realize and don't be afraid to talk about topics that ask questions about religion.
Last treat your family (your kids as well as all kids) with respect. Think about their feelings and what makes them feel important. Make them feel like they are part of something good.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Thanks for all your kind words. I do actually attend meetings through a wonderful organization, M.A.S.K. and I have consulted with wonderful caring rabbis such as Rabbi Horowitz, Rabbi T. Besser and Rabbi Wallerstein.
Posted 1 year ago # -
to lkaufman..we have people here givin b'h good eitozs so we cant add, but if there is some way you can post her name, i mean like 'rochel bas chaneh' when we say tehilem can have in mind..yes we read that tehillem helps for this too,can be stranger doesnt have to be parents.
Posted 1 year ago # -
to lkaufman..there is someone else in flatbush that is b'h very matzliach with the teens at risk. His name is Rabbi Yitzchok Mitnick. I know personally of many many lives he has b'h saved.He is a person who is able to speak and communicate with these teens. These teens know that he is their friend,and that they are able to speak to him about whatever is bothering them. He is a person who is not afraid of anyone or anything. If there is a problem to be dealt with he is there in the forefront to take care of it.
Posted 1 year ago # -
lkaufman -
Your letter is heartbreaking.
Most people probably don't know how to deal with or talk to an "at-risk" teen, so they just avoid them.
We (I) should keep in mind that these are neshomos that need warmth and guidance, not troublemakers to be shunned and avoided.
B"H your daughter has caring parents who are involved and doing what they can to help her.Feif Un -
The perspective of someone who has gone thru what this girl is now experiencing can be extremely helpful.
Most ffb's (like me) can try to understand, but it will be from an "outsider's" point of view.
Tizku limitzvos for "making lemonade from lemons" by using your personal tribulations to help others.Posted 1 year ago # -
Shindy, thanks we know about the school in Israel. My daughter has friends who go there but she didn't want to. She B"H is starting college in a few weeks but does plan to go to March of the Living/Birthrite during intersession, (Poland and Israel). I'm hoping it will make an impact oh her.
I know as one of you wrote that a the right Rabbi can show the beauty of being frum to someone who needs to see that. Is there anyone that would be good to show the way to a girl?
Posted 1 year ago # -
bina rickel bas baila leba. thanks
Posted 1 year ago # -
Bashieloo: please tell me how to get in touch with Rabbi Mitnick. thanks
Posted 1 year ago # -
Dear lkaufman,
I wish you much hatzlacha. And yes, the Israel trip is bound to bring great peiros, even if you don't see it right away.That she is sweet and focused - she's in school and starting college - should give you great hope. So many of the kids who stray these days seem to not have anything substantial to focus on. That your relationship and view of her is so positive is wonderful.
Maybe as an adult she will meet people who will reach her in ways that were not accessible as a child. There are great Jewish college programs and wonderful people on campuses. JAAM, and the Maimonides programs come to mind.
Posted 1 year ago # -
having a son like that is also disheartening, but bh he still is at home. these kids are looking for someone to show them apreciation of who they are and what they are not just another run of the mill guy. they (him and his friends) are lazy and need to find work that will give them self esteem. i've heard from other parents about what goes on and its really not so bad, but its coming from an attitude of "i dont need or want anybody to tell me what to do." we know whats good for us. i hear from the people that my son goes to on shabbos that hes a really good kid, but hes in with the wrong crowd. no drugs,or drink but a smoke yes. the aibishter should watch over him that he doesnt mess himself up.
Posted 1 year ago # -
That is wonderful that your daughter is going to college and plans on going on Birthrite. There are many parents of off the Derech teens that wish for that, as they watch their teens destroy themselves with drugs, alchohol, sex, and cutting. Show your daughter that you are proud of her and what she is doing positive in her life. Try to maintain a close relationship with her. As far as finding a Rov that will show her the beauty of being frum, is your daughter interested in speaking with a Rov? Is she able to even listen to his answers? A Rov can speak all day with these kids, but if their ears are not open and receptive, it is very difficult. It is very sad. But Boruch Hashem she is alive, and healthy, and young. keep being optimistic and above all very patient. I suffer with you, I've got one also....
Posted 1 year ago # -
Look up Rabbi Mitnick in the Brooklyn white pages (whitepages.com)
Posted 1 year ago # -
jjlkwd- why don't you try contacting rabbi mitnick. i understand he has had tremendous hatzlochoh with these teens. He is their friend and the kids know they can trust him. Maybe coming from a different perspective he would be able to make headway with your son. Hatzlochoh rabah!!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Shindy, you sound amazing giving me words of Chizuk and now you say that you too have one like that. Do you go to support groups like M.A.S.K. coz they have helped me alot.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Most of these replies seem to focus entirely on the "at risk" teen, but ignore the rest of the family and the community at large. What is a parent to do if there are many children in the family and one (or more) is acting in a way that has negative influence on the other children? If your daughter is dressing in ways that make it impossible for you (as a father) and your sons to make brachos when she is in the room, what are you supposed to do?
If your daughter is having phone conversations with explicit references to certain subjects in the presence of the other family members, what are you supposed to do?
Is it possible that by trying to save one child you might sacrifice another child? How does one choose? It seems to me that an "at risk" child can cause us to focus on that child so much that the others come to feel that they have to "act out" if they want any real attention from their parents.
Also, don't be so quick to condemn people for their reactions. As ONLY ONE other poster pointed out, at risk girls who dress like "normal teen-agers" make it assur to look in their direction. Instead of criticizing people, make a suggestion. What is a frum man supposed to do when he sees a girl coming in his direction who is barely dressed? What if that girl is his daughter and she's coming to the Shabbos table dressed in a short sleeved tee shirt and a skirt that rides up over he knees?
Posted 1 year ago # -
lkaufman, I was thinking along Shindy's lines but not being in the parsha didn't say it so bluntly. I was in a similar position but with a medical condition. As difficult as it is for the child to be dealing with this condition he is doing remarkably well but has to pop a lot of pills. A relative whose son also has this condition said, do you know how many parents would trade places with you in a nano second?
If I would run into your daughter, I would smile and heartily endorse her for being so focused. I have in the past with kids I know and will continue to do so.
Posted 1 year ago # -
i looked up Rabbi Yitzchok Mitnick in the phone book and there are 2, one in Boro Park and one in Flatbush. Does anyone know which is the one? thanks
Posted 1 year ago # -
Yossel, you bring up many good points and a different perspective on the matter. However, when we think of a teen-at-risk, you have to understand that their behaviors and actions are usually of a result of incredible turmoil that is building up within. Yes there is a choice that they are making on some level (whether to rebel, attention seeking, or other) but it is only because they are looking for a way out of their misery and pain.
Imagine, Chas V'shalom, a child who is hit by a car and has been permanently affected about it. Do we say to the child, sorry for your pain but there are other family members so you just have to wait your turn? No, as in any family when there is a crisis you stop and do whatever you can to help your child. This child at risk may not have been hit by anything physical, but something happened to send this child off the path. Something so harsh, that they can't face the reality that they are living in. They are looking for an escape. They are looking for something that doesn't reject them for whom they are. They are looking to find a place in a world that doesn't seem to have a place for them.
Plus you never ignore the others. It's not an easy task by any means (no crises ever is) but as you are dealing with the crises, like any other, you reach out and look for support for yourself and others in the family who may need it at that time.
( More often than not, this is life or death situation. Many of these kids face depression as well. When they are drinking and doing drugs, they are trying to escape the pain. Then there is a very small line between Chas V'shalom overdose, suicide and many other health risks. )
Suggestions of what to do when you encounter such an individual, well what do you do when you meet any person not dressed appropriately? Most of us are already living in a place where we have no control how our neighbors dress. When it's your own daughter coming down to the shabbos table.....then you get therapy/ family counseling and talk. If it happened already, ask yourself how you reacted when it happened and what affect did it have. Are you able to communicate better after or did the opposite happen? What type of relation ship did you have before? What changed? That while it is possible that 2 wonderful and wholesome people will get a child who rebels, statistics show otherwise. When it reaches this point something had to have happened (whether in the home or outside) and her coming to the shabbos table dressed like that is the least of your worries. However, don't forget you are the parent and this is your table and there are rules that have to be established/followed. You have to think it through how you wish to implement it, but you have to find away to stand your ground without getting into a confrontation. This is where family counseling comes in. They can set up as a neutral party to speak on your behalf when they are at a stage where they are not able to listen. When you pick your battles and your daughter sees that your rules are consistent and fair she will respect you for it, although she may not follow it.
I think the key is to do what you can before this happens. Look at the family situation, are our kids sending out signals that things are not so good? Look at the environment, are our kids being treated fairly at school, shul, with their friends? Look at yourself, am I the type of parent that is consistent, fair, and open minded enough to accept differences for the things that are not so important.
Over all I hope you and those reading this don't perceive this as an attack. I honestly hear your concerns but feel that there is a bigger picture at stake, and we have to deal with that first.
Posted 1 year ago # -
On a separate note: There was a mention about these kids being lazy. I think it's also important to note that sometimes what we perceive as lazy is in reality a symptom of depression. They are "task avoidence" due to the fact that they don't feel connected to the world. They want to "shut down"/ "shut off" or what ever they can do to avoid the pain life gives them at this point.
Posted 1 year ago # -
tzippi, thanks if everyone were like you, who knows maybe there would be no such thing as "teens off the derech". Refuah Sheleima to that child.
Posted 1 year ago # -
lkaufman, I'm 99% sure it is Flatbush.
Posted 1 year ago # -
lkaufman - she's going to college..this is a disaster.
Colleges today are a den of immorality, znus, apikorsus, and kol minei nevola.
Please, this is priority number one right now, if you ask me - if she goes to college, le an ve'es daasi hakoton, she may never come back to the derech - college is basically the kiss of death when it comes to an at-risk-teen's frumkeit. she'll meet g-d knows what kind of boys, do g-d knows what with them(college parties are basically sdom x 1000), and learn things that no human being should be exposed to; the damage will be devastating.
Try to get her to go to a 'open-minded' or non'judgemental' seminary, where she may be able to come back.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I never went to MASK, but I did get help from project YES. My husband and I got free advise and counseling, and my other children got big brothers and sisters to take them out and talk to them. I actually own a tape in which Rov Shmuel Kamenetzky answers the question of whether or not to keep a child at risk home. I will try to listen to it again and quote his answer acurately, as it's been a while since I listened to it.
lkaufman, from the way you write I can tell you are a very good person, and you will IY"H have nachas from your child, just hang on and be very patient, it takes time and these kids need love and patience to work things through. LOTS OF LOVE, I cannot stress this enough. and acceptance. Benzy 18 also wrote many things that made sense to me.Posted 1 year ago # -
Bentzy18 - you're 100% correct. Most of these kids have gone through depression, etc. and have inner turmoil and pain. The first thing to take care of is not how they're dressed and if they daven, etc. but rather if they are emotionally healthy. They must have emotional good health or they are definately at risk for a downward spiral of destructive behavior and even suicide.
Joseph - thanks I actually heard there is a Rabbi Yitzchok Mitnick connected to "Our Place", so I'm assuming that's him and I will contact them.
Posted 1 year ago # -
matisyohu28 -i'm sorry to sound disrespectful but what you wrote i find ridiculus. college is also full of frum kids who are good kids. My daughter, although not religious anymore is a good girl and a nice loving girl. I'm proud of her that she's getting her act together and wants to go to college and make something of herself. My husband and I are not rich and unless my daughter is lucky to find a rich guy she should go to college and get a career. A kid off the derech who doesn't want to know from religion would never go to a seminary now. We give her alot of love and I have bitachon she will come back one day because of it on her own time. You say college is a den of immorality, znus, etc. Do you know I personally know of at least 2 Yeshivot, one here and one in Israel where the Rabbi was molesting the boys. I can say so much more, but enough!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Matisyahu, lkaufman wrote that seminary was suggested to the girl. She does not want to go. Teen girls at risk view seminary as a nunnery, and it is hard to change their opinion. You can't exactly tie them up and throw them in there! On the other hand, they can be going to college and make something of themselves. There are hillel programs at most colleges, hopefully she will get involved with that. And these kids need structure that going to school can give them, less time for hanging out and going to bad places...
I used to feel the same as matisyahu but now that I have a child like this it has made me change the way I feel. And if a parent looks down at their kid because she is being productive and going to college he or she is missing out on an important part of their relationship with their child. You can and should be proud of the good and productive things the kid is doing, not just being critical of the bad. Or else the kid feels that nothing I do is right in these frummies eyes unless I am frum, well I'll show them!!! Having a kid at risk is a very humbling experience! Sorry I am posting so much, hope this helped lkaufman.Posted 1 year ago # -
Bentzy18:
You write that "there's a bigger picture" however your bigger picture consists of one person, the "at risk" teen. I see a bigger picture which takes in the whole family.
Also, you paint with a pretty broad brush. I don't agree that every "at risk" teen is a life/death situation. You may find this hard to accept, but some kids simply don't want a spiritual perspective, be it religion or anything else. Some kids simply want to live a secular life-style and it doesn't necessarily have to do with life-threatening crises.
As a parent with several children, I think it's unfair to focus on one child to the exclusion of the genuine needs of the others. If a child had, Chas V'shalom, a terrible accident, the parents would certainly tend to that child but would not ignore the needs of the rest of the family.
Your advocacy for the "at risk" kid is commendable, but I think YOU are the one who is not seeing a bigger picture. Perhaps it's time we realize that as kids grow, they have to assume responsibility for their choices. Just because a kid doesn't feel like putting on tefilin or dressing properly, that doesn't mean we parents have to be blackmailed by holding life/death situations over our heads. Perhaps these kids ought to "get over themselves" and just GROW UP, as the rest of us have had to.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Matisyohu28,
1) Are you a college graduate?
2) Odds are she's going to a local NYC college. That's probably the best thing for an OTD kid to do. At least she'll have something to focus on.Posted 1 year ago # -
Shindy - you are an inspiration to me, thank you.
Yussel - it's obvious from your words that B"H you are not the parent of a teen off the derech and lucky for your kids that they're not either!
yossiea - you're right, it is a local nyc college.Posted 1 year ago # -
LKaufman and Shaindy - kol hakavod to both of you for the way you are dealing with this situation.
As has been pointed out in this talkback, we are basically talking about kids who are dealing with inner turmoil. It's important that the love you give them is stronger than the pull from the streets.
Mishpacha has been dealing with this topic for some months - many accused them of hanging the dirty laundry in public. I say kudos to them. We need to see, to know, to learn.
And for the rest of us - continual davening; there are no promises that any of our kids are going to become the next Rav Shach. We live in frightening times. Some of the biggest Tzadikim in almost every kehilah have at least one kid "off the derekh" We need a LOT of siyatta d'shmaya.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Yussel, you are right, not all kids who go off the derech are in a life or death situation (well physical death that is). There are many people who left the fold and have lived long lives. Maybe it's important to distinguish between the two, since kids-at-risk are usually further down the spiral descent than just giving up on religion. So for this moment I will just comment about going off the derech.
Next, I don't know if you were able to focus on where I was going, maybe it wasn't clear or maybe you are stuck on this kid issue, but "the big picture" really deals with the events of the family and/or community that interacted with this teen that brought him to this point. Why would all of a sudden a child who goes to a Jewish school, raised by religious parents, sheltered in an environment that guides how we eat, how we dress, what we should say, how we act (and so on) turn around when he is a teen and say, no thanks, I don't feel like being religious anymore? I have yet to meet a teen or young adult who was born in a religious stable family that decided it was too much of a burden. It is only after investigating and looking into the "big picture" do we see that there were many outside factors that contribute to it. Most of the time it is some sort of rejection for not living up to the expectations that were set for him. These rejections might have come from his/her parents, their teachers and Rabbi's or the social circle they were raised in.
If it were just motivation that he was lacking then how will telling him to "get over yourself" ever accomplish bringing him back to the fold? We as part of Klal Yisroel are responsible for each other and are just as much responsible to him/her in showing the beauty that lies within Yiddishkeit.
I think we agree that you don't exclude any other child in a family (which I stated very clearly in my post)for the needs of just one. However, as a parent, I know that you sometimes have to prioritize your attention to the child that needs it the most. If you are unable to be there physically or mentally for everyone, then you get help. Focusing on a child that is going off the Derech doesn't mean that you have to miss your sons chumash play, or daughters doctor appointment or even doing bed time with your kids. It can be a challenge, it can be hard and there will be times you question yourself if you can do it, but it can be done.
Because of the wording directed towards me in your post, there is something that has touched a sore point with you. I don't know what that may be. But, what I do know is that these kids don't just happen to loose faith. I have yet to meet a kid or person born in a religious family who has left religion behind because it was too hard. If a parent feels like they are being blackmailed into submission in order to control the behaviors of a child then they have to look back into what events put them to where they are now. Kids (and teens) by nature look up to their parents as the most important people in the world. It is through the mitzvah of k'vod av v' aim that we are able to comprehend that there is a Rebona Shel Olem. Something happened that broke the connection between the parent and child and it wasn't the child who did the damage. This isn't a belief, this is a fact based on statistics on Jewish kids who went off the derech. A child who finds the need to "hurt" their parents by acting out is merely reacting to something that was done to them. So yes it's not "fair" to the rest of the family to deal with this, but then again "fair" wasn't in the equation when they were young with the dealings and actions done to them.
Last point, what is there to be done when the actions of the teen are affecting the other kids in the family. For that there is no easy answer and one must speak to a qualified Rav who is competent in such matters. However like many have mentioned there are several groups and Robbonim who deal and assist with such matters. It is not an easy call, and needs to be handled with the greatest of sensitivity. He is not a rasha and all the halachos related bein adom l'chaveroh apply.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I understand to love them no matter what and g-d I know some days that can be challenging.
I have 2 younger ones 11 and 14 at home and the almost 16 year old has been difficult since 2 years old!
I can handle her dressing in jeans and a sleeveless shirt, though sometimes it is very low cut even the 14 year old girl will tell her to pull it up. But the foul language when mom says no, or we move out of the room because she won't listen and how it affects the others in the household is the hardest... yes i understand picture a handicap as she is handicapped without it being visible.
We are in counseling-family, though she refuses to go, so the others go including I. Her father does nothing wrong, only mom does. Dad refuses to let her come live with her and it's all mom's fault. Some days it is hard to be strong.This year she will be going to public school. The day school says she gets more against judaism the more they try and teach and if a topic comes up that she is displeased with, like tznius (one of her favorites). Though the school has been positive and wonderful, including her friends.
Now she is in jeopardy of loosing her best friend as the parents say she can no longer bye friends with my daughter if she goes to public school. It would be nice if the parents would be more open and accepting and this would be a connection for my daughterThank you for the different resources, I will see if any such ones are in my area as I am not in the NY area.
Posted 1 year ago # -
lkaufman: I AM dealing with a similar situation at home. It's a little complicated but be assured I'm speaking from experience.
bentzy18:
First: I disagree with the attitude that lays ALL responsibility for the teen-agers actions at the door-step of the parents. Tell me, who do you know that grew up with no issues between themselves and their parents? Is there a human being alive on this planet who doesn't have "issues" with Mom and Dad? Yet somehow, people manage to grew up and get on with their lives even in the face of "issues". I think your perspective is a product of our "victim" oriented culture that sees everybody as a victim who is not able to take responsibility for their actions.
Second: When I write about neglecting the rest of the family, I'm not writing about skipping a chumash play or missing a bed-time story. I'm talking about dealing with the problem of different standards for each child. What do you do when you have a daughter who is, for example, dressed inappropriately, and brining her "friends" to the house and your other daughter (who is an "eidel" Bais Yaakov girl) feels that she has no place in her own home beacuse her parents are compromising on Yiddishkeit for her sister? Perhaps that "eidel" daughter will begin to act out (anorexia comes to mind) and then what do you do?
Third: I reject the notion that leaving the "derech" is always a product of emotional issues. That attitude reminds me of the old USSR where they would put political opponents in mental hospitals. A perfectly normal and well-balanced person can still choose a secular life style. To say otherwise is to reject "bechira Chofshis".
Posted 1 year ago # -
bentzy18 - WOW! what can I add after your beautiful, sensitive piece! All I will say is that if anyone is interested there is an excellent book by Farank Margolese called "Off the Derech".
Posted 1 year ago #
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