I can barely get my thoughts together to make this post intelligible, because I am suffering from postpartum depression, and have gone off Zoloft, and I need to be back on it. Until I can get my head together, and figure out what to do and where to go with my life plans, I am really ....um...what is the word I am looking for??? confused? Sad? Lost?
Today and yesterday, and the day before and the week previous to that, and actually for the whole past year or 2 (my husband and I) are fighting a real lot. He is harsh in his responses to me, over anything and nothing. He snaps, he is a grump,of course it hurts my feelings, ruins the shalom bayis, I turn sulky, beg for his acknowledgement and apology or at least to notice he did something wrong, but he does nothing except justify his actions.
Very lately he is turning into a monster. The anger and whatever (call it depression) is escalating with in him, and he is taking his frustration in the marriage out on the kids. This depressive mood is almost tangible in the house since I am in a deep depression because of him and the life he has to offer us with all his problems.
But today (shabbos) I was in a miserable mood seeing as I am basically stuck in this marriage with him, and from how he has treated me yesterday. So i told them to go ahead with the seuda and I laid down and let him deal with the kids. I heard him yelling / barking orders at them, typical Saadam-Hussein-Style, and then all of a sudden a major commotion out there and a massive Bang followed by a child crying and him storming out of the room. I felt in my heart "oh my g-d he has hit one of them!!!". (not that its unusual) Just it sounded worse than usual. I sat up in bed, and decided I just got to go see what this is all about. Its like I could "smell" the violence. I saw my daughter standing outside my room, looking wounded emotionally, standing there crying, so I motioned for her to come into my room. I asked her what happened. She said Daddy threw me (or my head) into a wall. I looked where she was pointing on her forehead and there was a MASSSIVE bump. White and real big. I felt sick. I felt so helpless to protect her. It later turned bluish green now.
IT brought back memories of 7 yrs ago he did this to my older daughter for talking on the phone to a friend he had said she couldnt talk to, then he changed his mind that she could, so he caught her doing something he had given permission to do, and then gone and taken the phone out of her hand and slammed in on her head leaving a wallop of an egg sized bump in blue and green color.
So now I hugged this little one tight and broke down shaking and crying with her. He appeared angrily at my bedroom door and shouted "What is this?". "What did she say"?" So I said look what you did to her. I ( had asked he what happened. and she told me)He denied it. He said I am putting words in her mouth. She said in front of him, then also, that he had done it, but he kept standing there and in an angry voice intimidating her until she said "well I dont know how it happened. maybe I fell". ( she is only 6 and became confused obviuosly) Because thats what he kept saying thats how it happened TO HER. I got up and put our coats on. He approached us at the door. "Where are you going"?? he barked. I said "I am going down the road to the Police Station. I will not PROTECT you anymore". (protect him from being exposed as the abuser, that he is)
He slammed the door shut with a massive intimidating bang and said no you are not. He admantly kept lying that he did not do that. Its so obvious. In fact, its ridiculous because at one point he said "I had no idea she had fallen off the bed and hit the wall". I said that not true or else you would have asked her sweety what ever could be wrong when you see she appears in the kitchen holding her head crying." Or when I showed it to you you would have felt empathy for her bump. You were just defensive and angry.
Last night, after the children got into pj's I told them if they were good they'd get a treat of candy. so I gave them the end of a bag with a few pieces. Suddenly he was running into my room, at me angry, and I just stood up to him and said "What are you angry at me for now"? And he said "that one is already so fat/chubby how can you feed her candy?" So i said its already a tradition that on friday nights we give a treat, and its only a bit. So he stormed out of the room and went up to that child on the couch, violently grabbing the poor little girl who had been sitting there peacefully in her cute pj's, and grabbing her by the arm whipped her off the couch screaming ITS BEDTIME NOW.
She was shocked. She had no idea what she was doing wrong. Why her father was doing that. She started crying.
I had to intervene and tell him to behave again. I really hate how he is treating us and not even being self reflective, or honest enough to admit he was wrong and will ammend. The kids are always biting and screaming and fighting in this unhealthy house where I am losing my temper and them and him, and he is losing it on them and me, and they are losing it on each other. There is no peace in our house.
So I thought and thought all day what am I going to do wtih my life? I told him to leave the house or I will leave. BUt i have no where to go. Literally. Except a shelter? I dont know how I even have the courage to post this shameful story but i am seriously desperate, and hopefully fully anonymous in this CR.
He doesnt want to leave. He is adament that we can work it out. However I am past the snapping line. I have zero interest, and not just because of this one incident. We are talking here about a highly controlling character in all fields of life.
What do I do? If i expose him, he is finished in life, and the community. Our family is finished. We/he will be farshamed.
I feel like i have to just silently push him out, b'shalom. Without taking action about the physical abuse? Or was it abuse? Maybe its always just a "one time incident of losing his temper"?
Or should I give him another chance since it seems to me that he is suffering from depression, and could possibly still get treatment and we keep the family together?
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