What to put on shidduch resume?

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  • #1170541
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “lilmod, I’d consider it a problem if she didn’t know how to bake and instead of taking baking lessons she, instead, focused on mastering the Ramban.”

    Seriously? You know how many girls don’t know how to cook or bake before they get married and they become excellent cooks once they are married? When a girl is single, she has an opportunity to learn that she probably won’t have once she is married, so why shouldn’t she take advantage of it?

    #1170542
    Joseph
    Participant

    The primary point from Rav Shach, that he was conveying to the girls with his response, is that family matters are more important for a girl than mastering Tanach and meforshim.

    That is also the lesson intended to be conveyed when people retell this story.

    #1170543
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Everyone should know how to cook.

    #1170544
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    As I pointed out in another thread, people put their own interpretations into stories and just like the details are changed, often the exact words and expressions are twisted around to make different points. I have often heard the same Gadol story told in more than one way, giving over a completely different message. This is often the case even when the details are the same.

    I think that is definitely the case with this story.

    #1170545
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Rebyidd23 -only one person per family needs to know how to cook. In many homes, only one spouse knows how to cook.

    #1170546
    Joseph
    Participant

    lilmod, the Litvishe Gedolim have mentioned that the BY movement has often overstepped their bounds in the emphasis on Meforshim, sometimes crossing the line into things that may not be learned per the halacha it is prohibited to teach girls Torah shebal peh. Rav Shach writes in one of his letters that teaching girls Meforshim in depth would be assur because of this, (the problem is quantifying “in depth”, which makes it easy to rationalize). It is not the Gedolei Yisroel that created the curriculum that they use today in BY. And not all Gedolim agreed with the BY movement altogether; the Hungarian Rabbonim objected to the teaching of Rashi to girls (and certainly Rambans and Maharals) on the basis that it constitutes Torah shebal peh. Others said that since Rashi merely explains the pshuto shel mikrah – the simple meaning of the text, it would be considered Torah shebiksav in this sense.

    Some girls who attend high-end BY schools have serious questions about basic Judaism, are confused about their commitment to religion, and possess precious little knowledge of Yesodiei Hayahadus. Aish HaTorah’s Project Chazon became wildly popular in the BY schools by virtue of the fact that they come in and teach basic emunah – the basics of the basics, like Hashem exists, Judaism is the only correct religion, etc. – and the students lap up the material like malnourished children. This is the material that was previously used for beginner baalei teshuva that was imported into the BY’s. And they need to import it because they are not equipped to provide it themselves.

    But some of these same girls, who, if you were to ask them why Hashem cares if they’re frum, and will tell you they have no inkling, can successfully tell you the different opinions of how the Egel was formed, which Korbonos were brought for which aveiros, and whether the tzefardeah were frogs or alligators. To the point where Roshei Yeshiva have endorsed that someone trained to educate beginning Baalei Teshuva should be invited to these high-end BY schools and teach the girls why they must be frum. What’s wrong with this picture?

    #1170547
    Mammele
    Participant

    LU: Be aware that a person can be a great speller and still misspell words. The brain can actually trick people into thinking a word is spelled differently than it actually is because it “knows” what the word is supposed to be. Immediate proof reading very often won’t help in such a case, but may help when the writing isn’t freshly written and the words ingrained.

    If there was only one spelling mistake and you think he actually wrote the resume himself, he’s probably better at spelling than the ones that have perfect resumes written by others.

    And here’s my two cents of advice: since you consider yourself Jewishly educated, you’ll have a much harder time respecting an Am Haaretz than a bad speller. And for most people, spelling can be improved much quicker than lack of Torah knowledge, especially with spell-check.

    I’m not saying that guy was right for you, but choose your spouse wisely. In the scheme of life, there is so much more that you can/should respect in a husband than proper spelling. And unless you plan to mostly communicate by text it’s almost a non-issue.

    #1170548
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    The important thing is that once she’s married, if her husband wants her to learn how to make potato kugel, she will do so. And she will do so because she wants to make him happy and not for any other reason.

    But, if it’s important for her to learn Ramban, he should also make sure that she has the opportunity to do so. And if he does, the potato kugel will probably taste better!

    #1170549
    apushatayid
    Participant

    “family matters are more important for a girl than mastering Tanach and meforshim.”

    If this is the intended take away from the story, why is the message being given to the girls and not those who are in charge of their chinuch, namely, their parents and those who are running the high schools and seminaries.

    #1170550
    Joseph
    Participant

    apy, see my last (three paragraph) comment above.

    #1170551
    Mammele
    Participant

    LU: I was wondering if you saw my post as it went up right before yours.

    #1170552
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Mammele – I saw it but didn’t respond because it would have taken too long, and I didn’t have time. Basically, you misunderstood what I meant, so your comments were irrelevant. I wasn’t talking about anything specific. There may have been some resumes that I came across on websites years ago which were poorly written. I’m not talking about a misspelled word or two, but about guys who were clearly inarticulate and stupid – guys who clearly were not Talmidei Chachamim. When you constantly see hundreds of resumes floating around cyberspace, it makes sense to choose to look into only those that sound reasonable based on the resume.

    The point about the guy who misspelled intelligent was just that I thought that it was funny – l’maaseh, it could have a typo, but it was still funny.

    #1170553
    writersoul
    Participant

    Joe: “writersoul, MO folks generally have shidduch resumes? I though the rule of thumb there was they “meet naturally” rather than being introduced via a shadchan.”

    Not generally, but sometimes. The particular cases I mean are through a relative of mine who teaches in a MO setting and whose students “flip out” and decide they want to date the yeshivish way.

    I currently know people who met guys on their own, met them on dating websites, or were set up by someone who knew both parties. I do know some MO people with resumes, though.

    #1170554
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    lilmod ulelamaid: Thank you!

    Everyone: Thank you!

    So what I did so far was super basic with a little about me, and about my family, and that I am looking for a healthy-minded person… blah blah blah

    I am still trying to figure out my own life, so I feel weird about stating what kind of person I am looking for in regards to hashkafah. Well truthfully I want someone who is way more liberal, but what that translates to can fit so many profiles.

    A friend said that it’s never a bad thing to “have some bait in the water,” so it’s okay to be out there despite my apprehensions or feeling like my shidduch resume is yet up to par. Meanwhile, I wonder if having my “bait” or name out in the water, and feeling exposed by handing it out to strangers essentially, exposes me to sharks as well.

    Is it really better to try, because obviously I want to find my bashert and get married, and do the histadulus of becoming a vessel for Hashem’s hashgachat pratis [despite being nervous because the effort and discomfort is part of the process]?

    Thank you all so much for your help thus far!!!

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