What would you say if someone said this to you?

Did you just see that seagull drop a fish from up there?

Because while you were talking that bird just swooped into the sea and def came up with a fish.

You didn’t see it? I thought that’s what you were talking about, just metaphorically or something.

Depends on whether your acquaintance is rooting for the seagull or fish

I get it and I’m sorry that you feel ashamed of yourself. You’re a wonderful person and Hashem made you YOU to fulfill a very special mission that only YOU can accomplish.

I have questioned myself at times when someone was offended for something that I also did not believe was offensive. And honestly, it really got to me. I started doubting myself, adapting my words so that I dare not offend anyone, and still there were times that someone got offended. Where did I go wrong? I cannot be myself and I cannot be someone else!

Then I spent some time away. Really thinking about whether or not I belonged. Whether or not I had something to contribute. I realized that sometimes someone else’s offense has nothing to do with me. At least, I am okay. I was okay and will be okay. It still hurts. But maybe instead of taking it personally, I can just appreciate the person because I know that this speaks of what the other person is going through.

Plus, I am not perfect. Maybe I too take offense at times when someone else did not mean to be offensive. And I can be more forgiving. And learn to think of the best intentions in each person, as long as I ensure my own health in the process.

The reason why I am sharing this with you is because I want you to know that you are not alone. Hashem will guide you. And please remember that you are here because the world needs you. Just as the world needs those that get offended. It may not make sense.

And anyway, did you see that seagull? Maybe the dropping of that fish back into the ocean was a sign. Sometimes it feels like we are in the jaws of death. Suddenly taken out from our entire universe. We cannot survive without that water. Yet some terror swoops in and who am I? Am I a fish? Why am I in the air? This hurts! A lot! And then bamm. Back into the sea! Let yourself feel proud. And come back and see that you are you for a very special reason.

Thank you 🙂

“They weren’t even in the group that it was supposedly offensive to”

That shouldn’t make any difference. We are supposed to identify with others and feel offended when others are put down. In fact, we should be more upset when someone else is put down.

RebYidd23,

Imagine if an acquaintance sat down next to you and said the following:
“Years ago, when people got offended by something I said, I was deeply offended by their taking offense.

That’s understandable. It doesn’t feel good when someone gets offended by something you say, especially if you didn’t mean anything bad.

They weren’t even in the group that it was supposedly offensive to

I don’t think offense is limited by any social rule to members of the group spoken about; for example, I feel grateful when non-Jews are offended by and stand up to anti-Semitism. Sometimes a lack of knowledge can lead to misinformed offense, however, such as when a non-Jewish acquaintance of mine thought that the word “Jew” was a pejorative.

(whether I am is a machlokes among the experts),

Is this an offshoot of your disagreement with Syag Lchochma over the shoes-Autism joke?

and what I said shouldn’t have been offensive to anyone, in group or not,

Unfortunately, we don’t get to be the arbiter of what another person finds hurtful or offensive.

but their offense led me to question my identity. I’ve started feeling ashamed of who I am again.”
What would you answer them?

Why would someone’s offense affect you so deeply (beyond the pain of experiencing someone’s offense)? You didn’t mean any offense, and the vast majority of posters didn’t seem to find your comments offensive (if I’m interpreting the impetus of this thread correctly). So why not just compassionately explain your viewpoint? Also, from what was written before, I’m not sure the person taking offense was necessarily “out of the group”, as in, unaffected/unrelated.

“AND WHAT I SAID SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE, IN GROUP OR NOT,”

“Unfortunately, we don’t get to be the arbiter of what another person finds hurtful or offensive.”

“Would you be okay with it if you were there while someone mentioned Jews in a neutral way and a goy got up and said wow that’s offensive some of us have to deal with Jewish people every day?”

That’s actually an interesting discussion. I once mentioned to a friend that someone once was offended by something I did, and I don’t think she should have been. My friend responded that you can’t say that someone shouldn’t be offended by something.

But I think she is wrong. If someone tells me that she is offended by the fact that I wear shoes, she is wrong, and I should not stop wearing shoes and I should not feel bad about it.

On the other hand, it is important to be sensitive to other’s feelings (even when it makes no sense to you) and try not to do things that offend them when possible. But that has to be balanced by a realistic sense of the extent to which it makes sense for you to take their feelings into account without hurting yourself.

RebYidd23,

Also, what makes you the arbiter of what my acquaintances find offensive about what others find offensive?

lol, you’re right of course, but you asked us what we’d say to the acquaintance.

RebYidd23,

You don’t know what offended the person (and neither do I). I was talking about a real-life former friend who asked me that years ago. We lost touch and I just randomly remembered this a week ago and wondered if I’d answered correctly.

Ok. Out of curiosity, what was your answer?

What? It’s not about an imaginary person. It’s about ME being upset because another Jew or another person is being put down.
Let’s say someone says something offensive about Sephardim, I don’t have to be Sephardi to be offended. I am upset because someone just put down my fellow Jews. It bothers ME that they were put down. Even if c”v the Sephardim died out and there were no living Sephardim to be offended, I would be upset that all the dead Sephardim are being put down even though they can’t be offended because they are dead. I can still be offended.

Wouldn’t it upset you if someone put down your brother or your friend?

Has Loshon HaKodesh now been banned from the Coffee Room? And after the CR staff worked so hard to make it possible to post in loshon haKodesh?