Comments on: Out Of The Mailbag – To YW Editor (Shidduchim. A Different Type Of Plea)

By: lgbg

lgbg — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 18:31:40 +0000

frumpo

i know this is a little late but you sound like a solid good boy. i don’t think anyone was judgeing you, you went thru a hard situation and you baruch hashem overcame it.
you will be an amazeing husband, im sure of it.
may you find you zivug amiti without any more difficulties.

By: KSN

KSN — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 20:27:36 +0000

To the author, I am impressed you accepted the criticism and it sounds like your opinion changed for the good. That is a great quality in a person and I hope who ever marries you benefits from that.
Hatzlacha raba.

By: Frumpro

Frumpro — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 03:21:02 +0000

I am the author of this letter.
I would like to thank you all for your comment and criticism. Part of the reason why I wrote this was to enable my eyes to be opened beyond just where I see things. I have realized that many of my beliefs reflected here are immature and selfish. Sometimes it is hard to swallow your pride when dealing with such a personal topic, and I was acted shallow because of it.
I guess my core message of trying to be ethical remains the same, but I can see where I myself was wrong. Thank YOU for helping me grow through this.

I also would like to clarify a little bit. The description I gave of myself was not totally honest. I wrote it this way in order to change the actual facts of the story so nobody would be hurt and because I thought being both a yeshiva guy and college guy would allow for less stereotyped feedback.
An incident very similar (again, with changed facts) happened to me about a year ago, but I brought it up again when my friends started talking about their (mostly positive) opinions about double-dating and I was upset.
I am hoping that having this new perspective, given to me from the ‘Am’ of Klal Yisroel represented by all the comments, will give me the clarity to go forward and find my zivug.

ps. I mentioned the high quality girls I date not to boast, but as a way of expressing how incredibly impressed I am with the girls on the dating scene in general. Their schools and seminaries are doing a great job making well-rounded people.

pps. For all those who asked. I do date out-of-town girls occasionally. And I usually go to them (at least for the first date).

By: bina yesaira

bina yesaira — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 20:04:49 +0000

i’d like to know which situation you are in? the boy who has tons of names and sometimes dates more than one girl at a time to compare them? the girl who has no dates? the girl who has to travel to go to the boy when it is really his responsibility due to this glut of girls? are you a boy who dates for non-marriage purposes? how can we know what you are going though if you dont elaborate?

and by the way, why do you assume everyone who posted is married?

By: Who said what

Who said what — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:36:54 +0000

so funny how everyone just talk the talk try being in our situation actually if your married stay that way:)

you people have no clue what the heck is going on

By: bina yesaira

bina yesaira — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:06:42 +0000

Interesting that we havent heard back from the author of the letter.
When i originally read the letter, i was struck by the fact that maybe he should try to date out-of town girls, since in my experience, much of the “shtick” and deceit is not the way most of the out-of town families operate.(of course there are exceptions, but generally out of town families tend to be more temimusdik and dont know from such things). but as i read all of the comments, i realized that i had missed alot of underlying meaning in the tone of the letter, especially the part where he is “dating extremely sparingly” and the self-important tone with which he introduces himself. the conceit is unfortunately very common now with the shidduch situation the way it is- the array and plentitude of girls available for the boys to pick from, no, rather knocking down the doors to get them to go out with them, is enough to give anyone a swelled head.
that brings me to another topic that i would like to discuss. girls who will go in to date boys. of course it all stems from this situation of too many girls and boys having lists, but the lack of mentchlichkeit on the boy’s part that this practice fosters cannot be a good foundation to a marriage. there are many boys who say they will not travel out of the new york area to date, and that if the girls want a date, they should come to them. one boy even told me that if the girl ever came to new york he would “give her a date.” i asked him if he was the king to grant her an audience! what chutzpa!! it goes against “derech ish lachzor achar isha” that klal yisrael used as a guide for their middos all these years!
please boys, dont let yourself fall further into the trap of this shidduch situation. if and when you finally agree to “grant a girl a date”, she lives out of town, be a mench and salvage your middos as well. go to her.

By: lgbg

lgbg — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 17:47:15 +0000

It’s amazeing how many shrinks there on in the world. What’s done is done-in case no one realized the girls engaged!! Talk about crying over spilled milk!!! I’m sure this guy is hurt but welcome to the carreer of shidduchim!

By: funnybubby

funnybubby — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:47:39 +0000

“it was decided that I would date extremely sparingly (I was very busy as it was with school), and that I could not get engaged without giving this girl a date first.”
What does that mean? Did you TELL the shadchanim of the girls that you were “dating sparingly” that YOU had made a commitment to SOMEONE ELSE to go out after Pesach and WOULD NOT GET ENGAGED without giving the girl who seemed to be “absolutely fantastic” and from a family of the “highest caliber” a date?!!!

By: thinkinghelps

thinkinghelps — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:39:23 +0000

# 94,perhaps your talking from YOUR PERSONAL experience, but to make such a blanket statement is pure motzie shem ra on a klal,if i remember hilchos shmiras halashon correctly, you are mchuyav to ask mechilla from every girl that chose to go to israel for sem.

By: asinburt

asinburt — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:51:55 +0000

This young man sounds like a very fine, sensitive individual who has his priorities in the right place. It seems he was misguided into thinking the “dating extremely sparingly” routine would be okay. Either you are dating or your not. It’s like being “a little bit pregnant”!