Comments on: Out Of The Mailbag – To YW Editor (Wedding Issues)

By: knaidel41

knaidel41 — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 12:04:22 +0000

this letter is unbelievably accurate as far as i am concerned. at my daughters wedding which ran early (not just on time) when i looked around the hall during the serving of the main course (9:45 p.m.) half the tables were already empty. i do understand people leaving on a weeknight when a chosson and kallah spend too much time taking pictures etc and come our ridiculously late for the first dance, but when things are run in a timely manner it seems unfair to pay for guests who never had any intention of staying and eating. the ehrlicher caterer at our daughters wedding told us point blank to undercount. he said to take off 20% for “friends”- (real friends do stay!…fringe friends who should not have been invited to begin with and the tend to”sneak out”) the caterer even suggested we should reduce by 10% for family. we did just that and still had empty seats. when i analyzed it later i realized that those people who did not stay should never have been invited for the whole wedding. so when it came time to make up a list for my son’s wedding i deleted most of those “fringe friends”, and at his wedding when we looked around during the serving of the main dish 99% of the seats were filled (with those who really loved and cared about our simcha) it’s time to start X-ing people off your lists!

By: chevraman

chevraman — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:36:31 +0000

Recently I was at a most beautiful chasuna that solved this whole issue and alot more. The Shmorg was served after the chuppah,and Simchas Chosson V’kallah took place right after that. It allowed everyone to participate in exactly what the purpose of a chasuna is meant to be, SIMCHAS CHOSSON V’KALLAH. After that the seudah was served to family and out-of-town guests only. Of course many others came to join for dancing later, and were served kugel and fruit. It alloed people to join without wasting so much precious time. the Baal Simcha tols me that it also saved around $5000..

I hope to be able to make mine like this IY”H. It’s time someone finally put sanity into simchos

By: aidelmaidel

aidelmaidel — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 18:16:02 +0000

why cant we adopt a standard of having family only for the seudah,and everyone else for a shmorg.
i was at a bar mitzvah recently where this was done. the simchah was beautiful and i didnt mind being invited for the shmorg.
the only way for things to change is if people who can afford the lavish affair cut down to a more simple simchah and set an example for eveyone else.

By: mdlevine

mdlevine — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 12:44:47 +0000

#52, I did receive a response card like that. It was perfect (I really should have responded ) to that one).

regarding the issue of husbands and wives going to the Chassunah – both should be invited and let them decide if they both can go. with K’AH a house full of kids, there have been more than 1 Chassunah where, my wife went and I stayed home (or the opposite way) and we responded as such. sometimes we both attended, but had to go separately (location, time – many factors) generally speaking, the only time you see your spouse at as Chassunah is when you park the car and when you leave. The rule that we apply is if it is close, mrsmdlevine goes, if it is further, I go – (if able we both go) but we switch depending on circumstances.

May we always have simchos to share in!

By: z

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 05:31:34 +0000

Ps notice that right after this article is the one about at risk. People who r out every night with chasanas they don’t have to go to are putting their kids at risk

By: basmelech

basmelech — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 04:53:33 +0000

To smr – I disagree with you on that the food belongs to the caterer. The caterer is probably not allowed by law to use over the food that is left over and besides usually the baal simcha has to pay for a minimum of portions, so if less than that amount of people show up for the simcha, the baal simcha has to pay anyway, so the leftovers should go to him.

By: z

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 03:48:19 +0000

I b’n always respond I’ll hopefully be there but don’t pay for a seat.
I don’t eat dinner at 10 pm.
If I’m hungry I will eat at the shmorg.
The seuda should just be for family and out of town real close friends.
ALSO the meal shouldn’t be held hostage until after the first dance. That’s crazy. Chuppa, seuda and by the time they come out we can dance and leave and go to sleep at a normal time.

By: tzippi

tzippi — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 02:17:51 +0000

33, what some places do is set a minimum, say 300 people for 20/head, and if you have less, they will charge 25/person. It would be great if this were widespread.
35, Bais Faige has a bare-bones package, 350 people for $$$$ (and you can have fewer with a price adjustment) and a very specific menu. You are given some, but very few, choices. (Choosing a menu took 5 minutes You can get fancy, if you feel like paying more. The bare-bones is actually quite bekovedik. Clearly they can do it there because the hall is bli ayin hara so busy so they can keep the costs down.

By: MiMedinat HaYam

MiMedinat HaYam — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 01:36:35 +0000

interesting,. no one asked about “daas torah” here.

well, that’s because “daas torah” specifically exempted themselves from their own “takanah” knows as simcha guidelines (google it to find the text).

to the one who commented that weddings in budapest are in the back of a shul, this cannot vbe so. hungarian rabbonim in 5626 met in micholvich (today michalovce in “slovakia”) and mades severak importasnty takanot (sucvh as a shukl without a bima in the center is forbidden, etc) and that weddings are forbidden in shuls. so today, hungarians (even in america) do NOT have weddings in shuls (or outside of shuls) (the shayla is — what about a consrevative / reform “temple”?)

for all the talk here of not giving full meals, etc to guests, it wont fly. it is expected, and thats that. true, a surprising 10% or more of people one definitely expects to come, will surprisingly not show up. and caterers always have 10% extra to supply, so better to (somewhat) understate to your caterer.

there is a TREMENDOUS amount of food thrown away at every simcha! some organizations, such as “shearit haplate” will come and collect this food, but this is only a dropp in the bucket. and goyishe caterers (and some that do kosher jobs) are afraid of legal liability for giving possibly dangerous food, or more probably, will get sued even when they dont supply the food, or the food is not properly refrigerated, etc.) so from a civil legal perspective, it wont go.

dont get me wrtonmg, i support many of the proposals mentioned here.

anfd by the way, i am involved in food service business, so i know what i am talking about.

By: baltimore yid

baltimore yid — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:44:33 +0000

A truthful RSVP would also avoid another unpleasant chassunah experience. When we RSVP, attend a chassunah, and end up sitting at the table we are assigned, where half of the seats are empty. Not only has the baal simcha paid for meals that are not being eaten, but those who are there for the meal end up without company at their meal. Seems to rather lessen everyone’s enjoyment.