Comments on: Out Of The Mailbag – To YW Editor (Divorce Crisis)

By: holy brother

holy brother — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:05:16 +0000

1. Make sure your spouse’s family is on the same page as your spouse, meaning they are happy with your spouse’s choice, and they are ready to accept you for who you are, what you stand for etc, don’t think it’s enough that your spouse’s seems compatible, the family needs to be compatible also. If your spouse expresses early on (while dating) that one of their parents are problematic, this must raise a red flag, you must research the issue at length, don’t ignore it thinking “hey if he\she realizes that it wont be a issue.
2. Every marriage needs guidance even for trivial issues, make sure you have proper torahdikkeh guidance.
3. If chas veshalom something goes wrong and there is talk about divorce, make sure to choose a rabbi that wont state a opinion without fully meeting both sides and hearing them out 1000%. Sadly today there are people that consider themselves rabbis and they state their opinion without meeting the other side.

By: classofTASHAM

classofTASHAM — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 04:22:39 +0000

To #38: That was an important entry.
I’d like to add that when therapy starts helping, the meds are often phased out.

Do you think a boy/girl in the above mentioned situation can look for a mainstream shidduch, or are they more limited?

We’d appreciate your opinion.

By: tvt

tvt — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:50:38 +0000

onlyemes,

I was being restrained. I know exactly of what you speak.

By: Clarity

Clarity — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:13:00 +0000

Regarding pre-marital guidance, I have heard some very nice things about the Shalom Workshop (which I have seen advertised, right here on YeshivaWorld). There are options for those that want to shore up their marriage skills, BEFORE the fact.

Wishing much hatzlacha to all.

By: tvt

tvt — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:50:42 +0000

Frumyid1

I believe I’m one of the trolls to whom you were referring in comment #74.

I would certainly defer to your expertise as someone who is in the field. Morover, I really don’t think that the commentors your are criticizing are saying what you think they are saying.

Speaking for myself, I of course recognize that Kollelim play a critical role in the production of future “Rabbanim, Rabbeim, Maggidei Shiurim, etc.”

What I and others are protesting, is the relatvively recent phenomenon (LAST 10 – 20 YEARS) of EXPECTING VIRTUALLY EVERY YOUNG MARRIED MAN WHO ISN’T LEARNING DISABLED TO SPEND A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME IN FULL-TIME LEARNING POST-MARRIAGE.

It is this one-size-fits-all hashkafa, and the implcit second-class status of a boy who wants to work, that I and others object to.

The concept of Kollel is obvioulsy a good idea. The notion that it is for everyone is almost assuredly not a good idea.

This was understood one short generation ago, and I am not aware of that generation having had any significant difficulty proudcing rabaninm, rebeim, poskim, maggidei shiur, choshuva baalei batim, Torah imbued homes, happy healthy marriages, askanim, or any of the inumerable institutions of Torah and Chesed that we now enjoy.

I simply question why a generation that was so seemingly succesful seems so convinced that it must radically alter its approach by adopting an attitude in which the overwhelming majority of boys shun education and work and by teaching girls that the overwhelming majority of them should marry such boys.

I truly find it baffeling. What are the 50-60 year olds so ashamed of that they feel that their children can’t be raised in a similar manner?

I have my theories, but that’s a different subject.

By: tvt

tvt — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:31:22 +0000

Frumyid1 # 74

By: tzippi

tzippi — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:13:36 +0000

TVT, I think we’re on the same page. I thought you were referring to a degree of mingling that won’t work now and did work earlier last century. I definitely agree couples should take as long as they need, but also accept the real possibility that it can go quicker than 2 -3 months.

The tighter controls weren’t referring to a couple dating, within, as you put it, halachic guidelines, but increasing opportunities for mingling for younger singles, which I thought you might be alluding too. Sorry about that.

By: halavai

halavai — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 08:42:25 +0000

Firstly, alot of divorces happen because many young couples feel pressure to make a decision faster than they are ready to. I personally know of several young women who might never have entered into disastrous marriages if they had taken but another month to decide. Also, although the letter writer rightly understands that marriage is more work than fairytale (Petrified, there is no need to be scared- that you understand this concept will be to your advantage!), unfortunately, many others really don’t get it. In this day and age, even though many wonderful, yosher families have no tv, goyishe values have still managed to penetrate our children, causing some unrealistic expectations. It is crucial that couples not only learn halachos before marriage, but also hashkafos and proper advice.
Another related problem bears mentioning. The children of broken homes have a problem with their own shidduchim. A child of divorced parents myself, I can attest to the pain of being looked down on as somehow contagious, or inferior, because of my parents’ mistakes. B”H, I had no problem w/ shidduchim (my husband was the first guy I met with), but I have quite a few friends who had trouble because nobody wanted to redt a girl from a broken home. And although I found my bashert easily, I had many problems with my in-laws, who viewed their son’s choice as inferior. I understood when they wanted to be sure that I psychologically sound- but once that was ascertained, there was no excuse for thier behavior. They were cold throughout the engagement, and not-so-subtly tried to convince my husband to back out; they treated my parents as though they were terrible poshim, even though both of them had been happily remarried for years. Even after the wedding, they were very cold, until we bore their first grandchild. Even then, they did not fully trust me until we had surpassed the 5 year mark and were still happily married.
Ever since watching my parents’ marriage crumble when I was but 5 years old, I had been motivated to never allow that to happen with my own family. My mother told me how much work goes into a marriage; she did not need to tell me about the consequences of failure, because I knew them painfully well. I carry these painful memories with me, and whenever I am discouraged, I remember how much I love my husband and children and would never, ever want to hurt them the way I was hurt. Hashem sent me to grow up in a broken family; if there is but one tikkun for myself and my parents, it is to build a stable, loving home. So please don’t look down on children of divorced families! We too are worth something!

By: Mavoid

Mavoid — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 06:30:23 +0000

A lot of this could be avoided if people told the truth when it comes to Shidduchim. If only people would know the real Halachos of Shmiras Halashon. If people will not bash others giving references for them/child/relative/friend. The truth is the truth. and if we all tell the truth these problems could be avoided.

By: KSN

KSN — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 06:05:50 +0000

to #74, I understand that this is upsetting to you but many people here come from that lifestyle so comments will reflect that lifestyle.

I think though that there is a difference between a person learning all day and a BEN TORAH. A Ben Torah acts in every way according to the dictates of the Torah. Someone learning the whole day may be doing so just by default. A BEN TORAH is much less likely to have problems in marriage since he will act according to the derech hayosher of Torah and consult in rabbonim every step in the way. A BEN TORAH can even work part day or all day, it does not change the fact that he is living his life only with the Torah and ratzon Hashem in mind.