Comments on: Out Of The Mailbag: Living Within Our Means – A Quiet Revolution

By: sane

sane — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 21:00:35 +0000

Let’s start with Shabbos Kidushim. A Bar Mitzvah or kiddush for any other reason should have nothing more than sponge cake, schnopps and herring. What else do you need?

By: SJSinNYC

SJSinNYC — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:59:40 +0000

I agree with this…to a certain extent. I believe that people should not live about their means.

That being said, I see no reason why people who can afford things shouldnt get them. If you cant afford it, dont buy it. If your kids want it, and its out of reach, explain that to them! If they want a really fancy wedding, let them get a job to pay for it. Yes its hard to tell your kids that you cannot afford something and that they cant have what “everyone else has,” but if all the people who couldnt afford it didnt stretch themselves, then it wouldnt be the norm.

I remember being a kid and only having hand-me-down clothing because my father died and my mother was supporting the family. She didnt earn a lot of money so we had to scrimp where we could. My mother taught us the value of money and that we would couldnt always have everything. As I got older, my family was better off financially. At 14, I got a job working for a caterer in my shul. I worked that job until I was 21. I saved most of the money and was able to afford some small luxuries here and there.

When I got married, my (then) fiance and I sat down with our families and asked what our budget was. We worked within a budget. I chose not to have flower centerpieces on the table because my in-laws were working on a limited budget. We had beautiful flowers for me, anyone who walked down, the chupah and a little for the bedeken. I saved a few thousand dollars for them because I understand the value of money and what our families could and could not afford. We still had a beautiful wedding (our budget was still a nice size and we worked with what we had) but did not bankrupt our families.

(PS – I think I come up as anonymous and I am not sure how to change that. FYI – my nick on here is SJSinNYC)

By: tzippi

tzippi — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 13:14:34 +0000

And a P.S. Not all kids are supported.
And not all support is adequate – there are still kids struggling with partial support because they can’t find good jobs.
I do feel that there are some kollel couples out there that keep it real.

By: tzippi

tzippi — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 13:13:23 +0000

31, I disagree. My cash gifts are for the chosson and kallah, not the parents. If I would want to help the parents, one way would be a practical generous shower gift – one less thing they have to buy.

By: frenkel4

frenkel4 — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 02:28:13 +0000

I completely agree with the writer – and I think a good first step to solving the problem would be to give all monetary chasuna gifts to the parents of the couples, not the couple. Firstly because this will help them cover some of the costs of the chasuna, (and jewelry and such), and prevent the harrowing debt stories and subsequent health concerns. I don’t know why none of our supposedly caring and well-raised children have not thought of to do this on their own (at least I have not heard of any who did)
Secondly this makes sense because the people who give the checks are usually friends of the parents, not the young couple.
Thirdly, and most importan – I think this will stem some of the overspending we see from the young people. What usually happens is that the newlyweds are set up with everything they could possibly need when they get married – plus they have all this chasuna gift cash. So they get used to having all the necessities, and are able to spend on luxuries without a worry.
They say first impressions are important – so it’s that first year that ruins our young couples. Either the wife is working or they are being supported – but the first year without kids there’s not much necessary expenses, they got all their furniture and housewares bought for them. They don’t even have to spend on food for Shabbos – being invited out so much at first. So why not buy the jewelry, expensive wine and expensive cars.
I think even when the parents do want to support the couple – it makes no sense to do it the first year at all. Even if the chassan is learning, there’s no reason the wife can’t work before she has kids. If she’s just stuck at home – it just starts her off on bad habits of shopping, big phone bills and expecting others to the work – and her husband to buy her expensive jewelry just cause she cooks the most amazing suppers for him that take her all day. Nothing but bad can come from all this.
So all in all – it just makes so much sense for the parents to keep the chasuna cash. And if you do support – wait until the kids have less cash in bank account than you – then maybe.

By: blue shirt

blue shirt — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 09:04:19 +0000

Anonymous, You have made several interesting and valid comments on this topic. I am interested in knowing the source for borrowing to pay for “nice things” for shabbes. Let’s replace “borrowing” with “going into debt” to make the point. I find it difficult to accept this practice, when will this debt be repaid? Next week there’s another shabbes, then another….

By: intellegent

intellegent — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 21:41:54 +0000

#28,
SILVER BRACELET??
where do YOU COME FROM??
I got married not too long ago. I got an expensive ring, expensive gold and diamond bracelet, expensive watch, and a few months after marriage (not such expensive) earrings. While I appreciate that my in-laws are willing to be so generous, they are really far from rich and I don’t understand how they can keep this up for all their sons. There are people who get much more than me. I think I would personally accept it if they would have given me much less and be proud that I came into a learning family who cannot afford expensive jewelry. Unfortunately they feel they have to spend all this money. I do not want to be a Kafuy Tov. But I think it’s an Avla. I love my jewelry. They are really beautiful but it’s really not necessary!

By: plonis

plonis — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:21:12 +0000

A plea to the klal: please watch your language everyone. This is a yiddishe forum, and we don’t need to hear the language of the goyim.

#22 – not all schools allow the kids to wear sneakers. Anyway, you don’t always have to buy $85 shoes. If you wait until they go on sale…

I totally agree with the writer of this letter. Please tell me why people are so pathetic when it comes to money nowadays. Does a kallah really need a silver bracelet, a diamond ring, a gold ring, and pearl earrings? Nowhere does it say that a wedding ring has to cost thousands of dollars. Doesn’t it have to just be shaveh prutah?
With regard to the young couples – maybe if they don’t understand the value of the dollar and how to use it properly, they shouldn’t be getting married. My uncle is now an optometrist. When he was first married, he went to college and medical school. You know how they lived? Not like all the young couples are living now, that’s for sure! Now tell me, what’s the difference? Why can’t someone do the same thing if he wants to sit and learn? So you won’t buy the $60 bottle of wine for shabbos. Nu, nu. The world won’t fall apart.

By: BaruchHashem111

BaruchHashem111 — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:20:21 +0000

#26 you make me laugh
but you are right!

By: mariner

mariner — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 06:00:22 +0000

NONONONONO!!!

We are all living in our means!

We are being taxed out of our living!

ALl these jews here in this forum, for some reason or another feel the need to be registered democrats, whether in ny , or nj. IDIOTS, all of you! the dems have done nothing for jews. Well, you may say look at all the funding. well i say your an idiot, because that funding comes from YOU! the government doesnt have money of its own, it steals it from you, and then gives it back to you, and says here, see, arent we great. SAY NO! reregister republican, and send a message to albany and trenton, that we wont stand for this garbage any longer! we wont let a third of OUR paychecks pay for abortions. we wont let OUR money go to teach about activities considered to be an abomination to god. we wont let OUR money go to pay for social welfare programs that dont work, and are bankrupt, both socially and economically! we are tired of OUR money being taken in a ponzi scheme called social security that anyone under 35 today wont see a penny of, since it will be bankrupt soon. we wont let OUR money go towards socialized medicine, making medical treatment in america plummet to that of canada, england and cuba! we wont let OUR money go to programs that take away OUR right to defend ourselves against criminals with guns, by letting us protect ourselves with guns as well!

SAY NO TO THE DEMOCRATS! tell felder, hikind, silver, and the rest of these so called “on our side” politicians to fly a kite, and register GOP – the party of Freedom, Democracy, Guns and God!

McCain/Palin ’08!!!!!