Comments on: Report: Lowering the Cost of a Shidduch

By: eyesopen

eyesopen — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:13:27 +0000

This money is not referring to shadchanus fees, it is referring to how much money parents will give to support the married couple. Since this system has been operating for at least 25 years, theoretically we should be having thousands of gedolei Hador by now. So all you talmidei chachamim whose father in laws supported you in learning, gave you an apartment, and you let your wife earn the money, bear the children and run the home, reveal yourselves!! Who are you? Where are you? We should be having hundreds of gedolim to turn to in these troubled times if indeed that was the justification for this “system”.

PS Many 40 and 50 year old men have dropped dead from trying to manage the apartment buying for their children. Stop the madness altogether. If a couple is old enough to marry, let them figure out how to support themselves . (My husband learned in kollel and we figured out how to support ourselves on our own without parents support for years)

By: tentwenty30

tentwenty30 — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:15:09 +0000

I have a novel idea … how about going out and working like the rest of NORMAL people out their, and not expect anything to come to you? I will fully criticize any “rav” who says that it is ok to make that expectation on parents/inlaws … who is that much of a total and utter ingrate that they expect their parents, who have spent so much on them already, owe them even more money. It absolutely disgusts me

By: danielb43

danielb43 — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:35:58 +0000

To #21: Bochurim who make ridiculous demands will never be Gedolim like Rav Eliashiv or Rav Steinman, although they may wind up following in the path of Ben Azai.

By: frumimaof3

frumimaof3 — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:10:19 +0000

#21 does have a point. However, the Gedolim would never want to put such a strain on the parents. They would be more considerate. These parents have to hand over all this money all at once. It is not like they can save up for this.. nor is it fair to put the burden on others for this. That is why there is something called Gemach Mercazi where parents could put away 10-30 dollars a month away and then when it comes time for shidduchim the parents could borrow this amount.. for some even this is not feasible if they have a large family.

By: danielb43

danielb43 — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:46:28 +0000

To #33: Kol Hakavod that you’re working. You don’t need anyone’s Haskamah, certainly not mine, but let me state clearly: you are not doing anything wrong by working. Anyone who says otherwise is attempting to be more Frum than the Torah (most Meforshim understand that “Sheises Yamim Taavod” is a Reshus, although some consider it to be a Mitzvah. Either way, no one holds that it’s Asur).

There are plenty of people interested in a working Ben Torah for their daughters, although in some communities, people are scared to admit it. You don’t mention what type of work you are doing, but you would do well (if you have not done so already) to get training in a field that can provide long-term Parnasa to your future Mishpacha. At the same time, keep Shteiging in your learning and Avodas Hashem. Finally, broaden your search to communities that respect Torah im Derech Eretz. Much Hatzlacha to you!

By: americaisover

americaisover — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:43:40 +0000

why is everyone surprised. I am working bachur and now cannot get shidduchim since I am doing something wrong, (actaully making money and not living off others) my “learning” freinds have demands that I would not fathom.

By: frumimaof3

frumimaof3 — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 10:52:23 +0000

There is nothing wrong with parents helping their children buy a dira. However, when it is demanded . that is where the problem lies. It is a common thing even in America for many parents to help their kids buy homes.
I live in EY.. and guess what .. my parents and in laws did not help at all. My husband and I took out loans and have been shoveling out 2,000 shekel a month on OUR OWN. it is only now that my husband’s pay got slashed are we getting a bit of help.
I for one as a caring and loving parent would do anything to help my children avoid that. As parents we want to give our kids the best start in life. There is nothing wrong with parents helping.. but there is something wrong when it is DEMANDED of them.
Parents who can’t should be saying.. we would love to help you but can’t.. this mentality that parents can stop taking care of their kids just b/c they go under the chuppah is ridiculous. Once a mother, always a mother.. Even if I can’t afford to help buy and apt.. you can bet I will invite them for shabbos.. help buy things for the kids etc etc..

By: Uri in Jerusalem

Uri in Jerusalem — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 08:12:01 +0000

Someone mentioned above that we need to pay these amounts to create the next gedolim. I can assure you that any of the gedolim that you can think of, didn’t demand anything resembling amounts like this. The reason they are gedolim is because they had bitachon that Hashem would look after them without looking to make demands on others. If a bochur demands money or a dira, I think you can be 100% certain that he will not be among the next generation’s gedolim.

By: wanderingchana

wanderingchana — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:47:13 +0000

#21 theari: when you become your generation’s R’Elyashuv (shlita), I’ll consider buying you an apartment. Until then, get busy!

By: wanderingchana

wanderingchana — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:03:31 +0000

We eschew the entrapments of the secular world but “try to limit as much as possible” extorting each other or the sake of shidduchim?

WHERE are the middos?? I sure don’t want my child marrying a Yid who doesn’t have any, chareidi or not!