-Whatever the questions is, Liquor Is The Answer
-An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, So far so good!
-People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
-Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares?
-Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
-I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
-Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were
-Today is the last day of some of your life.
-Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
-Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
-I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
-Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
-This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like it.
-A good friend is cheaper than therapy.
-It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
-There are two things to aim at in life; first to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind has achieved the second
-Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
-Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest
-When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
-You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
-If nothing lasts for ever, will you be my nothing?
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still like you
-When we lose God, it is not God who is lost
-I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter
-Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it
-Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.
-For the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense?
-Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people
-Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
-its all fun and jokes till someone gets hurt…then its HILARIOUS!
-some ppl are like slinkys…not rlly good 4 anything…but they still make you smile till u push them down a flight of stairs
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics