One of the critical problems is that young people enter marriage with zero preparation. Purchasing towels and dishes, a wardrobe, and even learning the relevant halachos of taharas hamishpocho are completely inadequate preparation for the totality of marriage, as much as each of these ingredients is needed.
Among the attitudes that render marriage less than a permanent establishment are the following:
* Since marriage can be terminated with divorce (get), then it need not be seen as a permanent lifelong enterprise. If the going gets rough, just end it and move on. Unfortunately, a spouse is considered as disposable as a used tissue.
* It must look good in the pictures. We have sunk to the place where the image and appearance is prioritized over the emotional and spiritual aspects of the relationship. Who are the mechutanim, what will people say, does it “pass”? Such questions are likely to be asked, even if not verbally.
* “Es kumt mir”. Everyone deserves comforts and conveniences. What if the particular “needs” are not in common or compatible with the spouse?
* We all marvel at the conveniences of technology. Why, if so many things are done faster and more efficiently, do we have less time for our family and loved ones? Have these advances made lives easier or harder? There is this cartoon about a couple lying in their beds texting good night to each other. Now that has got to be a good marriage – they’re texting to each other!
* Normalization of what was once taboo. Interacting with others, particularly of opposite gender, has achieved a status of acceptability which was heretofore considered off limits. There are all sorts of excuses for cutting corners – it’s only digital in text, social networks, etc., not physical contact. These connections outside the marriage threaten the uniqueness of the emotional relationship. It is said that the yetzer horah has another name, “Heintige Tzeiten”.
* There are toanim and attorneys that earn quite substantial incomes from representing people going through divorce. They encourage the fights and battles. Mediating a settlement would risk having to sacrifice too much. besides, divorce involves anger, revenge, and hate. Why not fight? It will occupy much of the day until the process is over, and then some.
* The myths about the “dangers” of therapy abound. They are found on all the frum websites. The claim is that consultation with rabbonim leads to reconciliation, while therapists direct their clients to divorce. That is a blatant falsehood. What is tragic is that couples avoid professional help until there is an accumulation of “bad blood”, which is much harder to resolve.
* As parents, have we provided an adequate role model of marriage for our children to emulate? Do they have other role models of how to treat a spouse? Are newlyweds limited to the didactic “shmooze” and perhaps a few good Judaica books on the subject, or is there something more useful to serve as a life guide through the new world of married life?
* As preparation for marriage, have the two kids been trained how to argue or disagree without fighting? It is primitive to believe this will not happen. Some problem solving skills might be in order, and can even be taught in high school, and need not spell out this as a marriage skill.