‘I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.’
‘I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize’
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.”
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.’
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.’
I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?”
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.’
Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been givin’ me lately.’
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography’
‘When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.’
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four O’clock’
‘If at first you don’t succeed… So much for skydiving.’
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.’
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?’
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.’
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.’
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.’
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.’
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor’
‘Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!!!!!!’