First time caller, long time listener… I had to jump in on this topic.
So I’m an Ashkenazi guy that married a Bukharian girl and had the big Bukharian wedding (not in NYC). There are many cultural differences, but far more similarities than you’d think. A Jewish wedding is a Jewish wedding the world over.
Yes, guests are expected to pay for their seat. The amount is usually set by rumor. Some closer relatives will also give a gift to the chassan and kallah if they wish. We’ve given gifts to close cousins even when we don’t attend the wedding, and gifts far in excess of our seat cost to siblings. This is to defray the cost of the wedding. It’s always been done like this, even in the Soviet Union. Weddings aren’t just for the chassan and kallah, they’re for the whole family and community to celebrate. So they all chip in.
The result is that the parents recoup most of the wedding cost and are able to give a significant gift to their children. Families DO save for weddings. My kids are 5 and 2 (B”YH), and we’re already saving (I say it’s for college, but whatever). Several of my wife’s cousins got houses when they got married (usually a condo or townhouse, to be accurate), furniture, appliances, all the things a young couple needs to start out in life. Yes, a husband is expected to take care of his wife. But these people marry young, and it’s difficult for a 22 year old boy to have the cash up front for these large expenses.
It’s a different system, but it works. Our system is different to them. THey don’t understand how we can go to a wedding and not help pay the cost.
Yehudayona – I sympathize. My parents could not afford to pay for half of a lavish wedding. The custom is for each side to lay out the cost for their guests. So the reality was I had 24 guests (it was out of town for us) and my wife’s side had 350 guests. Our portion was smaller. Also, my parents bought us more stuff for our first apartment, as is their custom. My in-laws are wonderful people (yes, I’m saying that with all sincerity). THey understood the cultural differences and worked with us. B”H we had a beautiful wedding and now have a beautiful family. So talk to your machatunim (that’s “kudo” in Bukharian). I’m sure they’re just as nervous about accommodating your needs as you are about accommodating their’s.
Either way, MAZEL TOV!
The Rashbak