anonymisss, I have no answer for you, youre asking the age old question of tzaddik v’ra lo. one thing I can promise you is that Hashem wants you to be happy more than you do, times are crazy right now, best I could tell you is that it’s a very very big kapara, maybe for you, maybe for the world. It says (somewhere, maybe gemara) that if a person is going through something, they should check their maasim, check for bitul torah, (I think, dont quote me) and if none of those need improvement then its yisurim shel ahava. It happens that someone will suffer for someone else. It seems like this is doing a good job on you, and dont be angry at yourself, youre normal, I doubt theres a person in the world who ever went through something and didnt ask questions. remember gal gal hachozer and my offer still stands if you want it. 🙂
keep smiling :):):):):)