-I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you
-I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad I take something for it
-sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough
-suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
-my short-term memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. also, my short-term memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be
-a bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
-I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other
-money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch
-whoever said money can’t buy happiness just doesn’t know where to shop
-reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
-courdory pillows are making headlines!
-I want to die while asleep like my grandfather. not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car