-Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you
-Jokes from the Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.
Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.
How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians?
It bombed!
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty!
Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it’s just a stone’s throw from Israel!
A small plane carrying Hama and alltop lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed.
Who is saved?
The world!
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
“Live ammunition.”
A Palestinian girl says to her mommy: “After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?”
-Pres. Bush pushed the button to the elevator in the white house. He was alone. The door opened up and he went in. Inside was Moshe Rabeinu. Bush gasped. Moshe ! The real Moshe. I need to ask you many things. Moshe was silent. Please Moshe tell me about all of the plagues and the wonders. Again Moshe Rabeinu was silent. The doors opened up and Moshe walked out and down the hall. Bush went after him and shouted Moses why don’t you talk to me? Moshe finally replied, ” The last time I spoke to a Bush, I spent 40 years in the desert!”
-A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
>with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
>”honour thy Father and thy Mother,” she asked, “is there
>commandment that tells us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
>Without hesitating one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered,
>”Thou shall not kill.”
A rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a man dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses. Gabriel addresses the man, “I need to know who you are so I can determine whether or not to admit you to Heaven.”
The man replies, “I’m Moshe Levy, the taxi driver.”
“Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says, “OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter Heaven.”
Now it’s the rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I was the rabbi of Temple Beth Am for forty years.”
Gabriel looks at his list and says, “OK rabbi. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter Heaven.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’