Reply To: Going off the Derech

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#1181210
RSRH
Member

Write or Wrong:

Forgive me for saying so, but you sound like your in a bit over you’re head. And its important that you keep yourself cool and objective so that you don’t make things worse, and hopefully, make them better over time.

Please don’t take that the wrong way. Let me explain:

In some communities (call them MO, more worldly, ect.), parents tend to handle teens going OTD a bit better than in other circles (more yeshivish, chareidi, lakewood, ect.). From your posts, it sounds like your family is more yeshivish. Oftentimes more chareidi families and parents have a narrower view of what is within the range of acceptable than those who are more MO. I’m not saying that is a good or bad thing; just trying to state the facts.

Anyway, with that more insular worldview comes a more emotional reaction to a teen’s going OTD. For many MO parents, even when a teen does things that are completely unacceptable by any measure (chilul shabbos, kashrus, ect.), they can handle the change rationally and proceed just as ProudtobeaYid suggested – they remain accepting of their child as a person, support him/her emotionally, and leave the door open and light on. While it may tear at their hearts for their teen to come home in a car from a Friday night concert or the like, they will not scream or yell, or even give him the cold shoulder when he walks through the door with a cell phone in his/her hand talking to his/her buy/girl friend, ect. Ultimately, they make sure their child can return home, and as long as he can respect their choice to be frum (i.e., no cheeseburgers in the kitchen; no loud music on shabbos), they can respect his choice not to be. Its a tragic and painful way for the parents to live, but oftentimes it results in a positive change years later, and if not, at least the relationship between child and parent hasn’t been destroyed forever (who know, maybe that connection can bring back grand children).

More yeshivish parents (in my many years of experience with OTD and BT teens) tend not to react this way. Their attachment to the “ritual” of our religion is very emotional and they often react to a child’s violating those “rituals” in an angry or very emotional way that just drives the kids further away.

While it is important to seek to help you son, if he will accept it, it is even more important for you to seek help and guidance from a professional – a successful TEEN kiruv person (try getting in touch with NCSY, they really know how to give OTD teens their space to be and how to handle boundaries in terms of your frum home and your OTD child) – so that you get a handle on how to handle this right, and not react poorly and drive him away even more.