Soliek, as far as ‘from now on’, I will have to find ways of showing him that I love him and accept him. But are you saying that in the past, he must not have felt that I loved him ‘for who he is’, and perhaps he is testing us, so to speak?? Meaning, maybe he felt that he’d have to ‘become a Rebbe one day’, for example, for us to love him?
When I said I keep thinking of what I didn’t give him, I meant, emotionally, not materialistically. Perhaps materialistically, he was somewhat deprived, but emotionally? I can only remember showering him with love and praises, being truly impressed by his talents and abilities since he was born, not limited to learning Torah and mitzvos.
Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with having expectations for a kid, and no I don’t think that would be it. And you may very well have loved him for whoever he was. I never meant to call that into question, and if that’s what you thought I meant then I’m sorry. Like I said it’s possible for a parent to show a kid the most love in the world, and then something completely external comes along and negates it. Nothing to do with you, don’t pin this on yourself. When I said love him unconditionally I meant for the future, I wasn’t referring to the past.
RationalRose–All of that. Just…yeah. All of that. He needs to know that no matter what he does, you will always love him as a mother loves a son. Again, that does not mean you have to enable him, does not mean you have to give into his demands. You can set guidelines, and expect him to adhere to those guidelines (be reasonable but firm with them) but love him even if he breaks those guidelines.
Don’t push it, but make him aware that you’re available to discuss whatever is on his mind. If he doesn’t feel like discussing religion, then don’t bring it up, but don’t shy away from being as overtly religious as you feel like being, and don’t feel a need to pander to his interests.
Perhaps most important of all, don’t give up on him. I’ve dealt with parents who have gone through exactly what you are with your son and have given up on their kids. It may be hard, but don’t give up on him.
What came up last night was, that my son said if I want to keep him away from the chevra, I should buy him his own computer and let him do whatever he wants, watch any movies he wants, no getting involved. Should I consider this?
Absolutely not. That’s nothing short of blackmail. He’s not going to stop liking his chevra just because you buy him a computer, so don’t even bother.
My gut reaction is that I don’t really want to bring this into my house, and help him immerse himself further into the secular world,
Yep. No reason to enable him, or potentially influence your other kids negatively.
but on the other hand, it would keep him away from the bad crowd (hopefully)
It wouldnt. I wouldn’t say this applies categorically, but many times when a kid falls in with the wrong crowd it’s because the wrong crowd does something for him–it fills a void that he feels. Maybe it’s because they accepted him, acceptance is very important to teens. Maybe it’s something else. Who knows. But giving him a computer isn’t going to change the reason why he started hanging out with them in the first place.
but when I realized he was somehow putting garbage onto his MP4, and hanging out with this crowd, I stopped it.
If he wants it he’ll get it, but you don’t have to be the one who gives it.