W.O.W. – whether you agree with the community standards or not is not really the issue. The issue is what message youre actually conveying to your son. If you keep giving the message that hes not living up to the standard set by the community, he’s only going to keep running away from the community, not join it. And he’ll view you as a pushover who cares more about reputation in the community than about him. Again, not saying that is how YOU feel, but it is how you will look to a teenagers eyes.
To use myself as an example again – when the kids in my school used to tell me i wasnt frum and other garbage, did it make me want to be more like them? No! I thought to myself “wow, these people are insane and just plain cruel. I will never be like them, and I will make sure my kids aren’t raised like that either”
You generally cant intimidate someone into being more like you (through threats of “standing out from the community” and such) and make them love and cherish it. Even if they do conform to the “standards”, it will be half-hearted and with a lot of deep-seated resentment. Like I’ve tried to say for my last few posts – the sooner you lose the attitude that he is not living up to community standards and stop conveying that message to him, the better off you all will be.