yekke2 -that was definitely not the type of thing I was talking about! I’m not even afraid of spiders. I am scared of a lot of other things, but I hope that no matter what happened, I would not call my husband during Seder!!!!!!
I just meant that my husband shouldn’t just be marrying me so that I can be his slave and support him in Kollel, and he shouldn’t make me feel like my needs aren’t important.
Also, he shouldn’t consider it bitul Torah to ever talk to me or do anything for me (during bein hasedarim obviously).
What had really offended me was the choice of words, “He has you and he has his learning.” Your wife is not an object; she is a person.