Reply To: Staying happy as an older single

Thanks everyone for responding! Thank you for all the interesting life experiences, the good tips and the general cheering up. I really appreciate you putting time and thought into your answers (Please check out my other thread “question to those who used to be older singles”)

My main reason in opening this thread was so that people could share some difficult experiences they’ve had as older singles and how they overcame them. That’s why I didn’t explain what exactly might be hard about being an older single – because different people can experience it differently. Few people have actually chosen to share that. Maybe “overcoming sadness” was not phrasing people felt comfortable identifying with. I still appreciate all the answers though.

To answer my own question, I think that the most important to remember when being single is(as you said WinnieThePooh) not to live the shiduchim period as a waiting time until you get married. I know this is something many singles have problem with, me included. It’s not always easy to achieve but it’s worth the effort.

An anecdote that illustrates why the above might be difficult: when my sister got married I told some relative of mine that now I’ll have to give my mother double help in the house to replace my sister. His answer was: “Beezras Hashem you’ll get married so soon you won’t have too”. This is one example of how people around you make you feel (falsely) that everything you experience now is just transitive, and that your real life will start once you’re married.

flastbusher: “but understand that if you are sad, it is a negative feeling that do not attract people” that’s an extremely insensitive thing to say. I hope you don’t usually tell people who are sad they should cheer up because it is not attractive.

golfish: You have a really awesome life! I like Jeruzalem too! I’d like to note that some of the challenge for older singles is living a meaningful life even when your life looks very boring. For example in Israel it’s very uncommon for a girl to leave her parents’ house before she is married (maybe because everything is so close, living separately seems like a strange step) You can imagine how it can be more difficult for a girl who lives at home to live her life in the present and not think constantly about getting married.

Thebabbler your answer really warmed my heart… Thank you very much for everything you said.

LU thank you very much for sharing everything, and thank for considering me a wonderful person.

Regarding point 4 – I didn’t know it was like that. Personally I’m so young that I can hardly call myself an older single (I know my two threads probably gave different impression) and yet people constantly give me broches that I may get married soon. I thought we were supposed to be miserable as well (:

I suppose things might be very different here in E”Y. Here they didn’t even there was a crisis (“Mashber Hashiduchim” is an American import)

Maybe people feel bad for the girls because they have to see them all the time. Most chareidi boys are in the yeshiva and are below everyone’s radar. Also maybe there is some prestige to being an Elter Bochur. I’m sure it’s less fun than it seems though.

As for older single guys being picky andor unable to commit, If I tried to refute every brainless stereotype there is out there it would take too much of my time. Let dumb people think what they want. The truth is usually much more complex.

Thank you for saying it’s clearly wrong in my case. The fact is I’m a bad test case as I’m both still young, and also have my own personal reasons for having difficulties in finding my zivug.