Lenny from what you’ve written, it sounds like you’re spending your money buying everyone else’s approval with your charity. While no one except your wife and the rabbi knows what you’re really like at home. Having a life that looks good on the inside doesn’t mean that you’re pleasant to deal with and a courteous spouse always.
The good news is that controlling behavior can also be a violation of boundaries. Based on the information you provided, you are fixed in making your wife do as you wish despite her insistence of her suffering. None of us can tell her what she feels. None of us have the right to say that she feels otherwise. Even you, despite your desires to make her jump through extra hoops after 20 years of getting the courage to confront you, have an obligation to recognize and validate her feelings.
Based on the information here, it seems like you are at the very least crossing her boundaries that even a wife is permitted to assert and obviously needs for her own well-being.