Lenny,
I don’t know if there is any abuse going on or not, as I am not there.
Your wife feels that there is. You feel that there is not.
Since your wife feels that there is, the only therapist who can be relied on to handle the situation properly is one who understands and has experience with abuse. Whether or not *you* believe there is.
An additional point — in most (all? I don’t know) cases of abuse, the abuser truly does not believe that there is any abuse going on.
That does not mean that in your case there is. But it does mean that in your case there might be, without your being aware of it or seeing it for what it is.
You need a counselor who can help both of you deal with the fact that your wife feels that there is an abusive situation here.
For therapy to work, you both have to be open to changing. I don’t know your motivations, but *if* you are going into therapy to force your wife to change while you stay the same, perhaps you are using therapy as abuse (control).