“Lilmod, how do you explain the super high divorce rate for second marriages?”
In at least some cases (and probably many), the person never worked on the issues that led to the first divorce. And this does not mean that the person was a bad person or even necessarily, the one “at fault” for the divorce.
I’ll explain what I mean. I am in shidduchim, and often divorced guys are suggested to me. Sometimes, while checking them out, I find out that they have been divorced twice. A very common pattern is that the guy was the sensitive type and his wife was too strong – both times. Seemingly, the wife is “at fault” for being too strong and not being sensitive enough.
I then ask the reference, “Don’t you think maybe the guy has a problem that needs worked out if he keeps getting into the same situation?” The response always is, “Of course, but it is very hard to tell someone that they need therapy if they don’t realize it themselves.”
I have had this exact same conversation several times when checking out divorced guys.
If someone goes through a divorce, they MUST go through some kind of therapy procedure. They can’t just say, “it was my husband (or wife’s) fault. It is never that simple. Each person is somehow a party to the situation – even if it was just a matter of “falling” for and marrying the wrong type of person (although I think there is usually more to it than that anyhow).
A relationship always involves two people. If you got into a certain situation once, it can and probably will repeat itself if you don’t try to figure out what happened, why it happened, and what you can do to try to avoid it next time.
Another important point that I think I should mention here – it seems to me that your approach regarding your situation is to try to figure out who is to blame. That is a very natural response, and the way that most people deal with most conflicts.
However, it is counter-productive and meaningless. The issue is not “who is to blame?” The question is, “Is there something that I can do differently?”
People don’t like to look at things that way, because they feel that it is an acknowledgement of guilt. But it is not. No one is perfect; we are all trying our best with the tools G-d gave us. If you think you are perfect, then that is a problem. Everyone can improve – not because they are bad, but because that is what life is about – constantly trying to see how we can be better.
If something is not working out (whether it’s your fault, her fault or both), you should be trying to see what you can do differently. Even if it is too late for this marriage (which may be the case), you have to figure this out so that things will be different next time.
If you do get divorced, it is crucial that you go for therapy afterwards. If you do get remarried, it is crucial that you go for therapy both beforehand and during the entirety of your second marriage. (to a reliable therapist, of course).